I've fallen in love with someone else help and advice sorely needed

[houseontopofahill]

I'm married, we've been together for ten years. Two kids. I've had a lot of regrets along the way, and have basically felt that I didn't choose the right person for me but have felt trapped because of the children. We've had a very hard time financially over the last few years which has brought further difficulties to our relationship. I feel very guilty because my husband adores me, I just don't feel the same way about him.

A couple of months ago I got chatting to a friend of a friend and we really clicked. I suggested that him and his wife come to ours sometime. We swapped email addresses, which led to facebook, which led to some light hearted banter, which led to some flirtation. We saw each other a couple of times socially and realised we had feelings for each other. To cut a long story short we're now well on the way to an affair, though as we both have young children this is all fairly impossible (to meet up), but we're speaking on the phone, texting and chatting online. We've had two clandestine meetings, both of which made me feel utterly awful and guilty, yet at the same time made me feel so happy (because of the blossoming new relationship).

Basically - if this is the right man for me, I'll leave my husband and go for it. But how on earth can I find out if he's the right man without entering into a horrible affair?

Having made a mistake already and spent 10 years with the wrong man, I'm not willing to leave without knowing a lot more about the new person. But how can I find out about the other person without doing something I'm not meant to be doing?

You know what I dont get? 2 people cheat with each other on thier partners, yet they always seem to think its unique and its true love, but how can anyone love somebody who shows such disgusting lack of respect for thier partners, and how the hell could they ever trust each other when they are both clearly selfish cheats. I mean seriously houseontop, open your bloody eyes.

houseontopofahill, are you just trying to wind us up?

FFS stand back and look at the big picture. The one that potentially involves totally devastating other people's lives.

Selfish just doesn't cover it.

I think some posters on here should stop being so aggressive.

This woman has come here asking for your advice and help but from the majority she is receiving a public flogging.

It's all too easy to type out nasty little words on a keyboard isnt it?

I used to come on mumsnet a few years ago to watch, chat and listen and my God has it changed. I'm shocked at how nasty some people are and SO judgemental.

You are an interesting paradox. On the one hand you appear to be the 'adult' in your relationship with your DH - you are the one who worries about the money, who stresses about your future, who deals with your tricky children, (god, you even had another child for him!) whilst DH, blithely unaware, faffs about being 'arty', telling you he adores you and squashing your dreams. Where's his backbone? Where's his sense of responsibility? Who is looking after you when you are looking after everyone else?

And yet on the other hand, you sound woefully immature. You meet a man you barely know and before long you are holding him up as the possible answer to your problems. Your question isn't 'how can DH and I get back on track, or how can we make this work"; rather: "is this new man the one for me coz if so I'm going to ditch the hubby. Obviously."

It seems a terribly self-centered attitude. There is no thought for your DH, no mention of the other man's intentions. (What if he doesn't share your feelings and is viewing you as a quick fling?)

You mention your depression after your first child was born. I wonder if you are not still a little depressed? You certainly sound very passive.

Perhaps be more pro-active - tell your DH what you have told us (leave out the other man though or else all your DH will hear is 'affair' and he won't hear 'us').

Perhaps in the end you won't be able to make your marriage work. But you need to figure that out between you, from inside your marriage.
Courage!
Communicate!

An affair is the coward's way out.

OP - support doesn't equal unconditonal endorsement of plans that will hurt you, hurt your husband and another woman and goodness knows how many others. Sometimes the truth does hurt.

Think some of the posts are a bit harsh, an unhappy marriage would make almost any other man seem like Richard Gere by comparison (talking from experience). I must agree with those who say an affair is not the answer, its just a symptom of someone who is in an unfulfing relationship.

This new man seems to give you all the things your husband doesn't,but I can assure you if you were seeing him daily, washing his pants, and hearing him snore every night there would probably we little difference with the man you are married to.

Don't stay in an unhappy marriage, it isn't fair to you or your husband, but give yourself a bit of space before rushing into another relationship.

All the best.

So far you have seen the other man through rose-tinted spectacles in unreal circumstances. When he has to deal with your difficult children, whilst he is separated from his own, things would come crashing to earth with an almighty bump.

In addition, when solicitors start having a field day with both divorces, and start sending thousand pound bills, it will detract somewhat from the euphoria.

I'm not surprised by the aggression of some posters: some people invest so much in the cult of monogamy that any deviation from it has to be brutally punished. Yes, it hurts to be dumped and/or lied to, but if it 'devastates' you and ruins your life when/if a partner breaches monogamy then perhaps you would have been happier and suffered less if you'd paid more attention to the rest of your life rather than investing everything in preserving the exclusivity of a couple-relationship. It's a dreadful mistake to make your happiness and wellbeing dependent on another person's behaviour to this extent.

lavendarkate thank you so much for your post. and thank you to anyone else who has been able to offer supportive advice (by the way, 'support' does NOT mean agreeing with a person's bad behaviour, that is not what i am expecting or asking for)

no, i am not victorian. i have worked since we were together, until i lost my job a year ago in the recession. until then i paid 50% of the mortgage, bills and all outgoings as my husband expected me to. whilst doing the lion's share of the childcare as well (with dh often away for months at a time).

i have been trying my hardest to find another job but have had no luck so far. i continue to look for work, and to research other options that could help us (eg selling up and renting so we could get housing benefit). my dh refuses to discuss most of the options i research. until this man came along that was all i thought about morning, noon, and night, how to make our situation better, how to try and make things better between us. i've talked about it with my dh who has made promises that haven't been kept. i've told him that if his lack of willingness to share responsibility for our situation doesn't change then i will divorce him. and still he doesn't change.

i am clearly an inadequate person. obviously so many of you on here manage to look after difficult children on low or no incomes and don't feel tempted to have affairs, or give up on your marriages. i take my hat off to all of you, and only wish i could be as capable, mature, and sensible as you.

perhaps i could give you all my address and you could come round with a basket of stones, drag me out in the street and kill me with a public stoning? it seems a just punishment for some shitty inadequate like me who has fallen in love with someone else's husband, and stopped to take advice on mumsnet before turning it into a physical affair, or taking it any further.

lol at the stoning!!

you have my sympathies regarding job hunting,its a bloody nightmare!! nothing out there is there?

I agree with everything loupiots says. And I kind of know where you are coming from as well so I do offer some sympathy.

Not sure what other advice there is for you which hasn't been said already but you seem to like you could do with a break from the hysteria.

You're not acting like a teenager - they don't have the burden and stresses that you have and you seem like you have been pushed to a point and this OM is offering an escape route for other feelings that get pushed to the side from day-to-day stresses. But I think you probably know that there is no easy answers and that the best thing is to work on things with your husband as the OM isn't going to help your problems go away.

Hope it works out for you.

House: it basically sounds as though the New Man is a distraction from the real problem which is that your H is a drain on you. A new relationship is never the answer to existing problems, but given the endless propaganda to the effect that a couple-relationship is the most important thing in the world, it's not that surprising that people in unhappy relationships only see an escape route when a potential new partner appears.
It may be that the NM is in an equally awful relationship, of course, and sees you as his escape-inspiration. IN which case, when he's left his W and you've left your H you can see what happens, but right now your main concern needs to be either giving your H one more chance (I appreciate that you've probably given him enough chances and he hasn't taken then) or sorting out the least painful way of separating from him and then sorting out what you want for yourself and yoru DC.

oh FGS there is a huge difference in being "obsessed with monogamy" and being betrayed and lied to in an underhanded and manipulative manner by someone you love - which is exactly what the OP intends/is already doing to her H and indirectly to her OM's W!

See people always think that if an op like this one is irritating that it is some way to do with people's own relationships.

It's not, I can say if dh wanted to or did cheat that is his problem (well it would become mine too if course) but I am not possessive. I don't own him.

But in any situation where a woman wants to have a married man my feelings go to the wife. The one who will be guessing, lied to, and feeling terrible and will have to deal with the children's pain more than anyone else.

Everyone has the right to take control of their life based on the correct information. Not the crap that the mm or ow might be believing. True love bollocks and all that.

All this talk of stoning etc is ridiculous. Take time out to see where you want to go which is not an affair and get support for that.

If the om wasn't on the scene would you leave your dh ?
Can you seperate for a period of time before moving things further with this om , maybe you might see him for who he is then and not the 'escape' you are believing him to be ?
Likewise your dh may find it within him to see how very unhappy you are and address some of the things that are making you feel like this ?

Please don't have an affair though , the hurt for everyone if it comes out is unimaginable. I agree with other posters sometimes it hurts to hear the things you don't want to hear.

House: oh dear! Don't take all this to heart.

I find sentences such as "Don't you realise this will make you an Other Woman?" really odd, as though this is some sort of vampiric cult...

Take a deep breath and try not to take the slightly harsh posts too personally. Unfortunately, lots of people read posts like your OP and all their own issues come out. Which is understandable. But not actually anything to do with you.

So, it sounds like your life is shit and the fantasy of having a handsome prince arriving on a shiny steed to whisk you away from all this crap is jolly alluring. But he isn't going to take you to his castle far away. Unfortunately, due to the whole breeding programme thing, he will instead take you to a shitty studio flat with your various screaming children even MORE screaming and troubled and with his screaming and troubled children thrown in for good measure. Chances are, there will be no champagne-nights with lurv-making on the rug - not while you are both reading goodnight stories to other people's children and staring at the damp patches on the wall. Wot fun.

Life sucks sometimes but you need to look at all of that properly and calmly and not whip yourself into a frenzy. Falling in love is horrible when you can't do anything about it without dropping a bomb on people's lives. You have my sympathy. It's the most awful, horrible experience in the world and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

So - back to what you've got at the homestead: I think you could do with asking Prince Charming to stay away for a year or so while you sort your head out. He isn't the person you need to be turning to right now. De-friend him on Facebook, delete his number, drink vodka in the evening until you've forgotten him.

Sit down and do the sort of life-coaching exercises you have probably seen done with counselling or coaching clients - put everything on paper, write mind maps: look at what is making you happy and what is making you unhappy. Personal Fulfillment - spiritual fulfillment - career fulfillment - sexual fulfillment - write everything on paper and ask yourself where you are, and where you want to be. Then think about Next Steps for each of these things. Maybe you could go to Relate, maybe go into therapy again yourself, maybe get some childcare, maybe speak to your GP, or take up a neglected hobby, maybe sit and work out your budgets - whatever is needed to get control of the parts of your life that are shit at the moment, and start to move them forward in a more positive way.

I think it might be good if you could make your husband come to Relate with you. The cost of that will be cheaper than the rent you'll be paying in the shitty studio flat with the 9 screaming children. Be honest with him.

It isn't the sound of hooves you can hear coming towards you. Be honest with yourself too.

Why are these posts about people's own issues?

Why cannot it just be that most think it's a better idea to not have an affair and take stock of her own marriage?

House, I have nothing much to add here other than that you should read, read and read again Morning Paper's post.

Personally, I agree with everything she has written and couldn't put it better myself.

I disagree that it is about other posters' issues, it is everything to do with the op and her actions.

Anyway good luck to you really whatever you decide, hopefully you'll find a better way out.

Look house - we (or I, certainly) am trying to save you form completely f'ing up your life. If you think your marriage is unhappy, wait till you have been thrown out of home or worse are living with a man who has been at least your friend and partner in everything for 10 years but now hates you and hates the sight of you. Not to mention what picking up on that will do to the childrens' behaviour.

What everyone is saying (some more subtly than others!) is just don't go there. You don't know this man from Adam really - and bluntly, he is promising you the moon on a stick at the moment because he wants to get in your pants. I bet hs wife would be very surprised by half his tales of their 'unhappy' marriage...

I wish you could talk to my H but I don't want to give away my mumsnet identity. His affair was with a woman he worked with (and closely - she was his assistant for a year). Once she realised he was interested she bonded with him by making up sob stories about someone who'd died but was actually still alive, mirrored all his likes using info from Wikipedia. You get the gist. You have no idea what you are getting into and it won't have a happy ending. Betcha.

blimey house well i feel for you its not easy. I am in the same situation as you except my kids are teens. Hes not married but is living with someone and has been for 25 years. His kids are grown and gone mine are 15 and 16. My dh works away a lot which doesnt help but he adores me too. There are no money worries we are all well off but I have had these strong feelings since christmas. I have been with my dh since i was 15 doesnt bear thinking about hurting him but I so want to be with om and he me. He is planning on leaving but i dont know if i could go through with it. I imagine myself telling dh and its awful. But i think about om day and night and have booked a counselling session for myself cos think I am going out of my mind. My children are keeping me here for now but I dont know what I thing about the future I really don't. My dh would be devastated if he knew I had any feelings at all for someone else but i already think is is too late because I am not the person he thinks I am. Think long and hard because as time goes on feelings get stronger and stronger.

I'm shocked how many people are so judgmental. Affairs and dreams of leaving don't happen in perfectly good marriages. Who could be bothered to stay in a marriage that requires constant work, so that the dullness can go on for even longer?

I say go for it but make sure the sex is decent - he might do a really annoying fast panting thing or cry out like a dead small animal.

Live.

what if you follow it all through and end up at the same point with him as you are currently with dh - mundane domesticity??? unless your marriage is genuinely unpleasant on a day-to-day-basis (addictions, domestic violence, children being truly damaged by your lack of domestic bliss etc.) you should stop meeting up and then stop contacting each other - gradually over say, one year, would be a lot easier than ending all contact abruptly - if you suspect that he is your soulmate then he will still be just that, in five or ten years (forever really) ... in the future, your current relationships may eventually fizzle out & you could really go for it then. With no stigma attached and nobody getting hurt it would be more likely to last ; your children may also be old enough by then not to be so badly affected by it all. i really feel for you but i cant see why you can't just 'keep it sacred' if it means so much to you, rather than reducing it to a torrid affair.