I've fallen in love with someone else help and advice sorely needed

[houseontopofahill]

I'm married, we've been together for ten years. Two kids. I've had a lot of regrets along the way, and have basically felt that I didn't choose the right person for me but have felt trapped because of the children. We've had a very hard time financially over the last few years which has brought further difficulties to our relationship. I feel very guilty because my husband adores me, I just don't feel the same way about him.

A couple of months ago I got chatting to a friend of a friend and we really clicked. I suggested that him and his wife come to ours sometime. We swapped email addresses, which led to facebook, which led to some light hearted banter, which led to some flirtation. We saw each other a couple of times socially and realised we had feelings for each other. To cut a long story short we're now well on the way to an affair, though as we both have young children this is all fairly impossible (to meet up), but we're speaking on the phone, texting and chatting online. We've had two clandestine meetings, both of which made me feel utterly awful and guilty, yet at the same time made me feel so happy (because of the blossoming new relationship).

Basically - if this is the right man for me, I'll leave my husband and go for it. But how on earth can I find out if he's the right man without entering into a horrible affair?

Having made a mistake already and spent 10 years with the wrong man, I'm not willing to leave without knowing a lot more about the new person. But how can I find out about the other person without doing something I'm not meant to be doing?

Financially you don't feel cared for..?

Well what are you doing about it. Why should income fall on your DH's shoulders?

Why is he responsible for your financial security?

Are you Victorian?

"It is so tempting to want to run away with someone who seems to care about me and share my dreams".

"seems" is the operative word here isn't it? The reality of two divorced households would soon quash dreams I imagine. You'd probably end up with even more money worries.

Oh and those angry harsh posters... no I 'suppose I'm not shocked by your response, it's just there's a nice way of saying stuff and a nasty way of saying stuff.

And some of you have gone for the nasty way'

LMFAO at this coming from someone who wrote, 'Basically - if this is the right man for me, I'll leave my husband and go for it.'

You know, I'd rather call someone who does a nasty thing and really seems to consider doing an even worse thing a spade and be seen as 'harsh' and 'angry' than have so little consideration for my own young children and his that I'd consider jettisoning all of their lives to serve my own adolescent, selfish, lost magnet of a moral compass.

Nope, I'm not a betrayed wife. Never have been.

Just someone who happens to think that when you have kids you actually mature enough to think of things other than oneself.

I really hope this is someone just making all this up, tbh.

If you think you've had some tough responses here, how do you think you would cope in RL if when people find out what you have been up to/planning?

Sometimes the very best advice we ever get is the stuff we don't want to hear.

'Despite the fact that my husband refuses to change his artistic career, even though he doesn't earn enough to pay our mortgage and bills and I am constantly stressed and worried about how we will manage from one month to the next. We have two very difficult children with behaviour problems and sleep problems.'

GET A JOB THEN!

And guess what? There's a poster on here with three young children, the eldest of whom is very severely autistic, who works full-time.

If your spouse is in an artistic career, these are great for being more flexible than a lot of other types of jobs.

Well, gees, mrsjammi, in fact, a lot of us have lived with people who are not just hopeless with money but also have next to none.

In fact, not even a fortnight ago, we were homeless.

one word PATHETIC and selfish uuggghhhh - your last post just made me even more angry!

Do you think no one else ever has a tough time, has unsupportive OH's, has money worries, and children that dont sleep???

Most of us dont rush off into another man/woman, its a pathetic childish self centred response - and you DO need to grow up!

So sorry if you find that harsh, I found it harsh when my XH decided to escape our marriage problems by shoving his dick into someone else and complaining to her (instead of me) how hard his poor little life was...

You come across so amazingly selfish and childish I find it hard to believe you are an adult !

houseontopofahill - I feel sad that you posted that last message about a nice/nasty way of saying things etc. Everyone is different and expresses themselves differently, and you know yourself that your situation will have raised some very strong feelings and reactions from people (me being one of those people). Even the posts that you dont find particularly "helpful" should make you think about what you are doing, and therefore they ARE helpful.

I think its better to get the full picture of the range of opinions that you sought out opinions on - when my husband and I saw Relate, the counsellor said to us that there would be a LOT of stuff we didnt want to hear and that may be said in a way we didnt like or found harsh from eachohter. Its still communication.

I was massively in debt by the time I went back to work. Our baby was premature, he has still got sleep problems and feeding problems, and I was depressed and snarling - and I guess my husband's thinking was similar to yours - that it was all very difficult to cope with and he wanted to get across to the greener side of things. So he took matters into his own hands and off he went. He could have tried talking to me, or saying he was considering leaving, or suggesting counselling etc but he didnt. From that hindsight, I would suggest to anyone in this situation to TALK first and try to sort it without outside/external influences - as a trained counsellor, surely you would suggest the same to anyone who came to see you too.

I hope you get this sorted before your husband finds out some other way.

So, apart from money problems, what makes you think that you are with the wrong man?

Well, actually, I can see very much where the OP is coming from. Her H sounds like a total parasite, the sort who tells her he loves her when what he means is 'keep doing the cooking and cleaning and all the childcare while I fanny around being special'. He's cast himself as the person in their household, and her as a bit player, a domestic appliance, a support worker.
So it isn't that surprising that she's taken a fancy to another man and this is what's shown her the possibility of an escape route from a miserable marriage.
House, basically what you need to concentrate on is escaping from your useless H, then worry about this other man (you will probably find that once you are settled in a life free of your H that the idea of having a relationship at all becomes less appealing for a while.)

I instinctively also wanted to write a harsh message but I think there have been enough of those. Unfortunately, I don't think you want to read everyones negative views on affairs you wanted people to write and give their blessing saying it was OK for you to embark on a trial run with a new man.
I think you sound really unhappy at the moment and you have fallen in love with the idea of being in love. But surely you must have loved your DH at some point, if that is the case it can be re-kindled with some hard work from both parties. It sounds like your DH would do anything to keep you. Wouldn't it be a better idea to talk to your husband who really knows rather than some random man that you have only known for a couple of months and try to work at things. If you don't feel you want/can't do that then you have to leave your husband, have some time on your own to figure out what you want before impulsive decisions affect other people.

If you want to start seeing this new man, then at least do your DH the courtesy of leaving him first. It's all well and good to be testing out a new man with your husband as back up should things not work out, but grow up!

Grow some balls and come clean with the man you have lived with and raised a family with for the last 10 years. You might not be happy but you are not the only one with feelings at stake.

Oh good grief. This poor cuckolded man has gone from being an adoring husband (OP's words) to a parasite who treats his wife like an appliance, all in one afternoon...

Look, I'm glad you're at last thinking about his wife in all this - if you've taken nothing out of these posts, at least you've absorbed the pain you're causing her (and you are already doing that, OP).

Now re-read the bit about your own children having sleep and behavioural problems. How could those be improved by the chaos you're creating?

It's pretty childish to sniff at contrary points of view on here, especially when you review the language and tone of your posts. The point of Mumsnet is that we can be judgemental when our friends, with their investment in us still liking them, might not.

You've had a lot of advice on here from people with a whole range of life experiences. That's the richness of this forum and you asked for people's views.

The single most decent thing you can do now is to tell your husband what's been going on. Give him the chance to change the unsatisfactory things about your relationship. If you don't even want to give him the chance to do that, then leave him. Or leave him if he doesn't heed this warning.

You don't need another woman's husband to take care of you. Take care of yourself and your children - and feel some sorrow for the man who is going to lose daily contact with his children.

I am a little bit in awe of WWIFN...

vipers are so unsupportive!

The thing is the tone of the posts doesn't matter - everyone on here thinks you should either make it work with your husband, or try then leave or just leave.

No one has said it is a good idea to have an affair with this man as a test run of a 'blossoming relationship'.

So you need to do that. Find the emotional and financial support, work?, that doesn't come in the form of someone else's husband.

A RL friend or even on here in a different thread, saying why you are so unhappy in your marriage, and people will start to help you.

dont do it! stay away - if you really don't love your husband then leave him because of that, not for another man. It is not worth destroying everything in your path for the sake of the feelings you are having now. Give yourself some time or try and work it out to save your marriage, and lend your husband some dignity.

oh and bin facebook/stop email contact with om - until you have sorted your life out

The advice you have received on here will be hard to take, but it is probably in the main spoken from those who have been in similar situations, or who have been affected by such a situation.

All the best with your decision x

Hmm - you sound very unhappy in your marriage. And I can see that this other man is a very convenient and attractive escape from the problems and difficulties that surround you. It's exciting and different and full of possibilites.

Trouble is, it's all fantasy. You will still have your problems, you will just have to deal with the fallout from an affair as well. And while your husband's, lets say - inadequacies - obviously contribute to your current dissatisfaction, having an affair isn't going to make them go away or ultimately make you feel better.

You need to work out if you want to leave. If you do, fair enough, but you can't bank on the safety net of another relationship.

You do sound miserable and I'm sorry for your pain, (and I can fully understand why you're getting a bit chippy about some of the responses), but you also know deep down that you need to figure out another way to deal with your situation. You sound smart enough to do this the right way. Be brave.

House.

If I was one of your friends and we sat down for a coffee I would tell you to stay away from him. At least for now.
You feel like a teenager again and the world is full of promise after some difficult times.

But stay away, get your thoughts in your head clear, because if you're on here asking the advice of strangers you are not in a good place.

Think, long and hard.

how old are the dc?