I've fallen in love with someone else help and advice sorely needed

[houseontopofahill]

I'm married, we've been together for ten years. Two kids. I've had a lot of regrets along the way, and have basically felt that I didn't choose the right person for me but have felt trapped because of the children. We've had a very hard time financially over the last few years which has brought further difficulties to our relationship. I feel very guilty because my husband adores me, I just don't feel the same way about him.

A couple of months ago I got chatting to a friend of a friend and we really clicked. I suggested that him and his wife come to ours sometime. We swapped email addresses, which led to facebook, which led to some light hearted banter, which led to some flirtation. We saw each other a couple of times socially and realised we had feelings for each other. To cut a long story short we're now well on the way to an affair, though as we both have young children this is all fairly impossible (to meet up), but we're speaking on the phone, texting and chatting online. We've had two clandestine meetings, both of which made me feel utterly awful and guilty, yet at the same time made me feel so happy (because of the blossoming new relationship).

Basically - if this is the right man for me, I'll leave my husband and go for it. But how on earth can I find out if he's the right man without entering into a horrible affair?

Having made a mistake already and spent 10 years with the wrong man, I'm not willing to leave without knowing a lot more about the new person. But how can I find out about the other person without doing something I'm not meant to be doing?

Most people start new relationships before ending the existing relationships because most people have bought into the myth that being single is awful and that the cure for miseries is a New Relationship and True Love.

Ah! I see. Because being single is a fate worse than death (obviously).
And, of course, new relationships always lead to true love....

I think many grumble along in unsatisfactory relationships .
The shiny new relationship shows up the old one as lacking

I just think it's sad that there seem to be a lot of people who are completely unaware that their partner is "making do" until something better comes along.

agree that's sad

I'm sorry its just plain selfish and immature...and totally pathetic! Lots of people are in bad relaionships, they dont go off lying and cheating, hurting and betraying people, with no fault to the consequences!
I understand "overlap", but the actual lying and skulking around IMO is just so pathetically disgustingly amoral on both sides, TBH they deserve each other!

I think it is commonly known as monkey syndrome - monkeys will not let go of one branch until they have got hold of another one.

house - will make a more considered reponse later - but - and I'm not being entirely flippant here - don't have an affair with anyone who isn't going to deliver lots and lots of great sex, because ending up with a sex life that is inadequate when you have two men in your life is a bit of a pia.

If you are genuinely unhappy with your husband you should leave him and be alone for a while. If this new man really is the love of your life he will wait. One massive thing to consider is how your children will view all of this when they are older. I think they will forgive a parent who leaves because they are unhappy and want to be happy and who is alone for a while, but they will never properly forgive a parent who shafts their other parent by going off with someone else after seeing them behind their back for ages. I know adult children whose parents have done this and years later they still won't speak to them. Is that how you want your children to see you, as someone who put thier own desires and feelings over everyone elses. And that's what they will see.

Please listen to the voice of experience here and try your hardest not to get involved any more than you already are. Once you are on that rollercoaster it is so hard to get off. I'm a married woman who has been having an affair with a single man, and I wish I had never started anything. While it was exciting and fresh and made me feel like a teenager again, it's all gone a bit Pete Tong like it was bound to and now I feel like my guts have been wrenched out. I've not been found out thank god, but more and more people know and because of that we've ended it. But I hang on his every contact with me, I feel like he has me dangling asnd as much as I know it's right to end it and I will be ok, if he said jump, I'd say how high. Try getting over a break up when you can't let anyone see how upset you are. I'm sure H has done stuff over the years, I found evidence in the past but nothing concrete, so it's best he hasn't found out. I'm going to chalk it down to experience. If we get through it, we get through it, if not I'm probably best to be single anyway and I'm leaning towards that life anyway. But I implore you, don't go there, it sure isn't a bed of roses.

roxi, if quite a few people know already, you can bet your last sixpence it is only a matter of time before your husband finds out...

Also as Hambler said, this OM gave me everything that was lacking in my marriage, strangely it took meeting him to open my eyes that I was unhappy. Only thing is now those things are still lacking and I realise it now. So although it has ended without anyone getting hurt but me, my marriage is still probably going to end.

AF I'd rather it didn't happen, I have female solidarity on my side and the trouble makers are all on his side and they don't know me, but you're right, it could happen even after the event.

There is no need to be dishonest to your husband or him to his wife. Which means they both must be told. Tell your DH you are falling hook, line and sinker for someone else and are really tempted to walk away from your marriage. Bre completely honest about how it all came about and what has and has not occured. I think you owe him that. Whether your DH can change sufficiently to make you stay (and not proceed to find out whether the new man makes dying , small animal noises when he orgasms ) and whether you want him to change is another matter.

And definitely new man should do the same. I don't think I'd like forge a relationship with someone who is at root dishonest.

People's relationships overlap because it's quite normal and human to want to be with someone else and a romantic partner offers you the sort of intense support that no other friend can offer you. Shit relationships can go on for years and it takes something very major to end them - sometimes, falling in love with someone else IS that something major.

I appreciate that the monkey analagy is supposed to imply that people whose relationships overlap are basically animals, but I can't help but feel sorry for the poor monkey when the alternative is to plummet 200foot to certain death.

Very true MP.

the excitement of a new relationship is unique,isn't it...i think it can be quite addictive too. how long til it all wears off and we're bored again though??

Not EVERYONE is bored in their relationships you know

never said that everyone was,just an observation.

am not bored either.

The other man is confusing the issue. You can't possibly sort out your problems when there is someone else on the scene. Perhaps the best thing is for you to leave your husband or maybe just maybe there is still a chance that you can work things out.

You need to cut this other man out of your life and work on the problems in your life. Of course he seems exciting and wonderful, at the moment he is an escape to the drudgery of everday life, he makes you feel desirable and interesting. It is forbidden fruit it isn't real life. The reality of a future with this man won't be exciting at all, there will be tears, there will be anger, you will both have a juggling act to follow trying to balance your relationship with that of your families. You will all be skint because you have two families to support. The feelings that you are experiencing now will become a distant memory and resentment will creep in as you both have doubts about what you have done.

Do everyone a favour and dump this bloke. Concentrate on your problems before you muddy the water by jumping into bed with someone else.

MP speaks a lot of sense I hope you have taken this advice on board.

People's comments are as strong as they are sometimes becuase they ahve been in the other families position, everyones experience builds your own views.

You must be so unhappy. If you are unhappy then it is possible the children are too.

This man may well turn out to the be answer to your prayers, it does happen, it is more likely to not turn out the way you would like to dream it though.

Would he really be so attractive and tempting if your marriage was in a better state?

If you told him you wanted to start a new life with him, and he refused to leave his wife what would you do?

Why doesn't your husband take your comment re divorce seriously?

Am I alone in being shocked at how many people seem to advise simply "if you're not happy, leave your dh" (or words to that effect? Is it really a decision to be taken so lightly?

I'm always surprised at that too Scarlet! If I had left at the first hint of trouble our marriage would not have lasted 5 minutes. I think people forget that marriages have ups and downs. Having children and financial problems, particularly the latter puts a huge strain on your relationship. It is normal to go through periods when you don't feel "in love" but you can come out the other side.

I think a lot of people (this is not directed at the OP) expect it to be like it is in films and be all hearts and roses. Real life isn't like that!

House - what have you decided to do? Morningpaper's long post was just about the best think I've read on this difficult subject - it is so easy to fantasise about life with "the one" and not realise you are just heading to a more complex and messy life and one where you suspect everyone you know and love will hate you. Hope you are OK, general rule on mumsnet is if in doubt get some counselling, that is what I'm doing later on today.