I've fallen in love with someone else help and advice sorely needed

[houseontopofahill]

I'm married, we've been together for ten years. Two kids. I've had a lot of regrets along the way, and have basically felt that I didn't choose the right person for me but have felt trapped because of the children. We've had a very hard time financially over the last few years which has brought further difficulties to our relationship. I feel very guilty because my husband adores me, I just don't feel the same way about him.

A couple of months ago I got chatting to a friend of a friend and we really clicked. I suggested that him and his wife come to ours sometime. We swapped email addresses, which led to facebook, which led to some light hearted banter, which led to some flirtation. We saw each other a couple of times socially and realised we had feelings for each other. To cut a long story short we're now well on the way to an affair, though as we both have young children this is all fairly impossible (to meet up), but we're speaking on the phone, texting and chatting online. We've had two clandestine meetings, both of which made me feel utterly awful and guilty, yet at the same time made me feel so happy (because of the blossoming new relationship).

Basically - if this is the right man for me, I'll leave my husband and go for it. But how on earth can I find out if he's the right man without entering into a horrible affair?

Having made a mistake already and spent 10 years with the wrong man, I'm not willing to leave without knowing a lot more about the new person. But how can I find out about the other person without doing something I'm not meant to be doing?

My bil had an affair. It was a huge mess the ow got pregnant, then had a miscarriage. My sil is a pita but she didn't deserve that. After the miscarriage the affair ended, the ow's dh found out and they moved away together. My sil generously gave bil the option to stay, which he has done for the sake of the children. They got on with things and for about a year or so everything was ok. Now all they do is fight (which is what they did pre the affair) at home and in front of everyone (which is very embarrassing for all). Dh and I think they would have been better off going their separate ways. Dh and I think they will separate once the youngest dc (9) is a bit older.

I can see where you are coming from, especially if you are unhappy in your marriage but I think you would be better to split and give the children time to adjust before embarking on an affair.

I also know someone who had an affair with her friend's husband. They now live together and the children from each relationship have been thrown into living with each other, two of whom are in the same class at school and are always fighting (I work at the school) because of their situation.

You must think carefully about ALL concerned.

expat said it perfectly !
Did you expect us all to say - ah you poor little lamb thats ok then you wreck your H, some other poor W, and all the DC involved, but as long as you get to ride off into the sunset it'll be ok!
Grow up springs to mind!

I do think it is ok to be human and make mistakes - i forgave my h and the ow and i am now re-building my relationship.

But what a lot of people are telling you is to really really think about the impact this has on you.

It does take two and although you do not owe anything to his wife the reaction you have had here is nothing compared to what you would get if you really did go ahead and decieve your husband.

If this man really is the one for you by all means go for it but give you h the chance to do the same please.

You can be alone you know...

Do the tight thing and leave your husband to be free to meet someone who will love him.

monkey makes a good point about this already being an affair. You are having an emotional affair already.

Maybe try to stop it now and give your self a year to really work on your marriage without contacting OM.

I think whatever happens, contact with OM has to stop for a considerable amount of time to allow you to think very clearly without your judgement being clouded. Hope you can sort this out.

Houseontopofahill - I couldn't believe that hving just updated my post "I know I'm not going to be popular but..." Here is someone else facing exactly the same dilema I was in in May/June this year when I began to develop what I thought were amazing feelings for a colleague/neighbour who seemed to be trapped in a loveless marriage etc.et. Well, the relationship was great for all of 2 months, then I slowly discovered what a shit he was, and of course the more mumsnet warned me the more I wanted to be with him (mumsnet is a bit like your mum in its effect sometimes) Anyway yesterday he dumped me - quite surprised and very shocked, feel like shit and can only say I should not have got involved in the first place and I'm very pleased no one saw me stomping around the village in my pyjamas this morning to have it out with him! You just can't tell with an EMA - the glitz, excitement and heady romance of all the texts and emails is so i intoxicating. But I don't know how to answer your question - you can't tell what he would be like if you were with him full time. Everyone on here laughed at me but I did do a spreadsheet which told me firmly to say NO to X and I'll look at it again now to try to convince myself it is right and cheer myself up. It is however very rare form men to leave wives and children for "the other woman" and if they come away once they often get back together again.Please just spare yourself the misery and either work on relationship with DH or leave him and start again from the beginning in a "real world" relationship. Your feelings are real and agonising but he almost certainly is not the key to your future happiness. Apparently affairs typically last about 3 months so could you just put your feelings on hold a little and see if you go off him before anything serious happens? this is just about the most constructive thing I can say, but I know it is not much.

anyone know which shade of green it is over there on the other side??

does it ever fade?

I am regretting my earlier posts a little bit. I think I am going to ask for them to be deleted; we can do that, right?

What I've said is not secret from DP, as obviously we talked about it at the time, but it feels too personal to have discussed a pretty serious wobble in our relationship here without namechanging.

it always looks much greener - and the older i get the more i think it must be because my eyesight is getting worse (in reverse).

Thats why love romance novels are so popular.

Basically you are just wanting to hedge your bets aren't you? You'll leave your husband if this guy is a go-er - but if he isnt then you'll just stay where you, in a relationship that is nit right, in which your husband loves you, but you dont love him... talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it...

I have been in aa similar position to you, although there were no dc's on either side, and om wasnt with anyone - an old flame got back in touch, and within days I knew he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with (we now have ds and are getting married on Sat), what I am saying is, if thia bloke is the one for you then you would know - no "well maybe" - if he is the one have the courage of your convictions, stop pissing about, tell your husband that its ober and see if man feels the same. If it all comes crashing down and yu are left alone then you will hace no-one else to blame.

And please please dont expect any sympathy from many folk on here - as after all it o
could be any one of our dh's/dps that you are messing with.

This is not about 'erring and being human'.

This is about a conscious, rational choice you are making.

You're not pissed right now. This is not a drunken mistake. He didn't fall on top of you and let his dick fall in you.

YOU are choosing your behaviour. Your posts are rational and well thought out. If you're marriage doesn't work and you don't want to try to make it better then leave and be on your own. Take time to reflect on what you want.

Then, and only then, go into a relationship with open eyes.

I second the idea that you are getting the advice you need - you just don't want to hear it because it doesn't condone what you are doing.

How would you feel if your husband did this to you - basically lined up a replacement and then one night without warning went 'see ya' and blew your life apart? Don't you have any respect for him, even as a man who is your friend and the father of your kids and who has stuck by you for 10 years? You say he adores you, so can you really bear to destroy his feelings that much? Because if he finds out about what you have been doing so far it will.

If your relationship is not right then leave - don't just use the father of your children as cheap babysitting / someone to share the bills with and support your lifestyle while you sneak about and test drive other options. As has been said, if this man was decent he wouldn't be having an affair behind his wife's back and he would also be asking for space to make sure he was doing the right thing. I bet he's not.

You are lining yourself - and your children, and another woman and her kids - up for a whole load of pain. So you've been meeting. well, these things have a habit of coming out. The weird behaviour from you and him while this is going on won't have gone unnoticed, I'll bet. Could you really bear your H to read all those texts? How would you cope with seeing his face after? How would your kids cope with living with all that misery?

Sorry to be harsh, but this is the reality of what you are doing, not all the romantic soulmate stuff that you are currently focusing on. And it's what is coming at you from round the corner so fast you just can't see it yet.

WHY why why cant people leave marriage without another person being involved

Do you not think of his wife at all?

Obviously not.

Dh has never had an affair and probably never will (so my feelings do not come from a place of insecurity). It is NOT just women who have been in the wife's position who will think your op is seriously selfish.

I do find myself incredibly irritated by your desire to hedge your bets on some shitty marriage you may be experiencing without any realisation that there are other people involved.

Just leave your husband if you wish. Take the chance, maybe you'll end up alone, maybe not.

Do they have children?

dorothea, yes you can ask for your posts to be deleted

OK, have done so.

Now a bit worried that if DP ever sees the blank spaces where posts were, he will think that they were confessing an affair. DP, if you're reading this, they weren't - nothing in posts would've been news to you (including that I have, in the past, been an arse)

Ah, at last some more thoughtful and insightful responses.

It is useful to read all (well, most) of your thoughts... I think lots of you are right in that I probably need time and space without contacting the OM to focus on whether I can make my marriage work, or whether to leave.

I do know that marriage isn't a f mills and boon. I've been married for ten years and have been giving it my best, up until now. Despite the fact that my husband refuses to change his artistic career, even though he doesn't earn enough to pay our mortgage and bills and I am constantly stressed and worried about how we will manage from one month to the next. We have two very difficult children with behaviour problems and sleep problems. I didn't want a second child but I had one because that was what my husband wanted. I suffered heavily from depression after my first.

We never have enough money to do anything fun or enjoyable (don't even have enough for the basics like kids shoes and clothes), and yet my dh takes no responsibility in working out how we could change our situation. All the worry and stress falls on to my shoulders. It feels like I've been miserable for ever, although it's probably just a few years. So yes, the grass does look a lot lot greener elsewhere. I feel so uncared for in my marriage (my dh adores me but he can't understand how heavily the stress about money weighs on my shoulders, so in that way I don't feel cared for). My dh also refuses to dream (if I even talk about the idea of going on holiday he won't talk about it because it isn't a possibility for us).

It is so tempting to want to run away with someone who seems to care about me and share my dreams. But so many of you are right, it is not the right thing to do, and to do that to his wife would be truly awful. It's easy to get carried away with it all and forget how much pain I would cause his wife if I let this go on.

house, although I have a leetle bit of sympathy for you too (in that I feel sorry for anyone so confused/unhappy...), I think you are out of order to dismiss all the replies that were not sympathetic to your siuation

all the posts were "thoughful and insightful", its just they were given from the other point of view, it was rather ignorant of you to ignore them as not helpful. They are helpful, but you don't like them because they show you in a poor light

you do sound very selfish

Okay, you have made an assumption here OP. It is that you don't have the right to leave a longstanding marriage if you have made a mistake. That the only circumstances in which that would be an okay thing to do is if there is someone else in the picture that you care about a lot.

This is a false assumption. It is perfectly possible to leave a marriage if it feels wrong, if you think you married the wrong person etc. You need no other reason. The issue of whether the OM is a worthy person to start a relationship with is irrelevant. (But I mean... For a start, he is married. Obvious but... he is married. That would normally be a non starter, eh? His feelings about his marriage may be rather different to your feelings about your marriage. So you can't possibly consider him until he is a single man)

If you are single, then finding out whether this man is right for you is another thing entirely, something to think about perhaps when you are not wrangling with you ex over custody, or running round like a headless chicken trying to care for your DC's alone. No doubt when they are in bed, you can mull over the implications of entering into a relationship with this man (only if he is divorced, naturally) and whether he and you would make a good match. But there's no rush. If you and he, both single, would be interested in each other, great.

You need to get a divorce first though. Put men from your mind and just work on extracting yourself from a marriage that is obviously not right for you.

Oh and those angry harsh posters... no I suppose I'm not shocked by your response, it's just there's a nice way of saying stuff and a nasty way of saying stuff.

And some of you have gone for the nasty way.

I've been trained as a counsellor and so I suppose I know about listening, being non judgemental, letting the other person talk about their feelings, and guiding the other person to find the right answers from inside themself. It is the best way to bring a person to the right choices.

But it seems some of you prefer the judgemental, harsh, angry, totally non constructive way. Not very helpful. And actually, for future reference, probably more likely to make a person ignore your advice and go the other way.

Thank you to all those who have been able to offer their thoughts and opinions in a more constructive manner. You are the ones who are helping me work out (as I sit here crying my eyes out) what I need to do, to do right by everyone else who will be affected by this situation.