is he lying? and why?

[lonelydoormat]

I am a single mum and have a partner of 3 years. We've had a lot of problems from other sources eg.exes, kids etc but I have always been there for him. But don't feel I have the same back.

I won't go into detail about the past but just want to know what you think of this?

He rarely phones and I'm not allowed to phone him at work (he's a builder).Only if important reason. Then he'll get back to me.

Today, I had to contact him for something (important!) regarding his work - I answer the phone for him. He didn't answer and after an hour I tried again and waited a while. I tried several times over 4 hours till about 3.30pm. A few times it was busy
and I know that a client spoke to him.

Eventually, he called back from his flat, very flustered saying he suddenly realised he had to take his van for MOT midday after he had worked for a few hours and had left his phone in the van before he took it to garage. when i asked why he didn't call me when he dropped the van off he said too busy as had to walk back to the job he was doing. So I asked him how he managed to speak to other people? he ignored that and got angry and kept going on about the MOT. He was very vague about where he was working.

I picked him up 10 minutes later from his flat to go get the van and although he'd said he was filthy, he was clean and changed.He is usually covered in dust from head to toe. He said he hadn't even had time to wash it was such a hectic day.

He was really pissed off that i am giving him a hard time when he's been busy all day.
But what I can't understand is how he had several opportunities to contact me eg when he was walking from garage or to home (half hour walks!). Also, he kept changing his story re where he was working.When he did have his phone on him, he didn't notice missed calls or bother to answer my calls. And if the job was so urgent that he stopped working by 3pm at least!

Sorry, this is so long! But he's done this on several occassions and it never adds up. If I question him he slams the phone down or storms off home.There are other strange things too.

He did say yesterday that he was too busy to see me today.

Ultimately, if he's not lying surely he could have spared a few minutes to give me a call whether I phoned or not?

Do you think I'm being unfair?

Thanks for reading this

He's giving you the minimum that he owes you, with the (informal and therefore unenforceable) agreement you have squeezed out of him regarding child support. As long as finances remain informal he will think he still has you dangling on that particular string, which is the correct way to look at things. Even if he seems nice and respectful, I would get everything spelled out in writing, legal and entered in the courts. Do you think he is now seeming a bit more respectful because he knows you are growing a bit more confident? Being friendly with this man will only lead to being walked on. I would aim for 'civil'. Do you need to be liked by him? Do you have a fear of being disliked? (Just a thought).

You do seem to be in a much better state of mind than you were in your first post.

Hello i've just found this thread... I've just split up with a man and we were in a Long Distance Relationship, opposite sides of the country, for 18 months. At first it was wonderful. I have raised my teenager alone for 14 years so was used to my own space. Seemed great for me... He worked abroad with his job at times too, but he always seemed to email or phone. (Should I mention he was legally separated from his marriage of 12 years)?? Anyway about a year ago, I found out he'd lied about where he was, I lost trust in him.. (been there several times before with others you see)... He wanted it to continue and said he'd understand when I 'wobbled' over this. Well to cut the story short, even though we continued to speak on the phone daily and catch a couple of weekends a month, he seemed to 'back off'. I think it was because I wobbled at times.... I would email and send cards, but I kept hearing "I'm too busy to text back when you text, too busy to put my computer on to email.. to busy to stay another day".. I never knew some of the time what was making him so busy... He also was not able to talk about problems, he refused to 'waste time arguing'....Anyway we've split now after me asking him for a few emails of loving words a week, to make up for not being together. He said he loved me all the time btw and when we got together it was good... I'm heartbroken and as you ladies do, keep thinking of good times and wishing to fast forward to the "Oh, I haven't thought of him today" feeling... I'm 43 now having tried a few relationships since my divorce 15 years ago, wonder if I'm ever going to meet the right one for me... Not looking forward to Christmas, but will obviously put the brave face on for my daughter. Best wishes to you all...

.. darn it.. posted it again with divorced for 15.. I have been divorced 13.. sorry, just means a lot that I had my daughter when I was married and he left when I was 8 months, so raised her alone.. Which I'm proud of

..sorry new here, so finding my way around.. So imo... I think you are right to feel a bit insecure with his treatment of you.. my advice would be to give yourself some space, not easily done I know. Keep smiling too, even if you're not on the inside.. it does help

bubalicious, this is an old thread and many may not look at it

you could try posting your own thread in "relationships" if you are wanting a bit of support

Hi Bubalicious,

Haven't been on for a long time but just want to say thanks for reading my story.

Things went from bad to worse for us and have had no contact at all for two weeks as now he won't even see DS. Too busy off to pubs (have seen his van in car parks) after work, on contact nights. Spent two hours in car with Ds one night waiting for his lordship to arrive. kept saying will be there in 15 minutes. I gave up in the end and when he finally phoned didnt answer as was settling DS and could not be bothered anymore.

I am convinced now he is a nutcase. Possibly NPD man. It culminated for me when one access day I was with him and he kept taunting me about the fact that another woman was dealing with a renovation project on a house. How capable she is unlike me as she can answer phone, deal with decorators etc (?!)(all the things I have always done). I kept calm until finally he said that as I am useless for the business, he has to ensure the best outcome for HIS future. I got angry then, as having put all my money to clear his debts and buy everything for the business to the detriment of the children, he sees any money as just for him!

It culminated in him attacking me. Enough to leave bruises on my arms and leg where he gripped me so hard and pushed me. I left with DS.

The next day, he appeared at my house with flowers and champagne to celebrate the fact that he had got this building project and how far the business had developed! Not one word about what happened the previous day!He then started taunting my teenage daughter about her not having friends and she threw something at him. To which he got angry and said he was not happy to have her around his DS due to her violent nature! And walked out.

At 2 in the morning, he phoned to tell me that he had bruises on his leg where she had thrown the toy at him.

The next morning he turned up again and I said we need to talk (meaning about attacking me and the way he treats my daughter) and he got angry, before i'd even told him about what. He proceeded to take all his furniture that had been stored (temporarily!) for 3 years in my dining room and took it out and smashed it all to pieces with an axe and dumped it. he made sure to tell me that due to my behaviour, he has lost about £500 as he could have sold it and our DS would have had the money...

No contact since. So as you see, HE is the victim of this story.

But I can tell you now that I am so relieved to have nothing to do with him. If he wants to see DS that's his choice but I am through with his controlling games.

Sorry to rant on, but I just want to say that i think you should think of it as lucky you have got out now as it appears he is playing games with you eg cant text, too busy etc. And the "you are to blame" routine because you dare to ask for little things like emails to make up for lack of contact. He was using you when it suited him and always under his terms.

You sound like a lovely woman who deserves better than this user/loser. They push the boundaries so far till you lose all sense of what YOU need in a relationship.

I am 45 with 14 year old daughter and 2 year old DS, and wonder too if there are any decent men around and I think that's why we end up falling for the ones that help to alleviate the loneliness a little. It is hard, but you can get through it. Just remember all the good things like your daughter and the things you have achieved in your life.

Is there a hobby you can take up or maybe get fit? Things to keep you occupied rather than thinking too much.

Anyway, I wish you luck. I know how you feel and you will get through this. Please do talk if you need to.

Bubalicious,

Forgot to add, as Anyfucker suggested why not start your own thread? It really helped/helps me to come on here to keep my head straight.

You get such great advice and support from all the mumsnetters that it just keeps everything in focus and definitely made me stronger!

< waves at ld >

Hi again, thank you for words of advice. LD bless you, you've been through the mill and back with that one!!! I think he sounds very toxic and you're definately better off without him messing up your life!. To AF thanks for mentioning about hobby, I do go to an Amateur Dramatic group and dance class, so that's why what's happened is so depressing... My life is full with daughter, job, hobbies and him being away wasn't too much of a problem regards fitting in time for each other. I guess I just need to feel more affection than he?? I dunno, scare myself sometimes wondering if I have to much of a 'need' to be with someone... BUT.. I LIKE, go give affection as much as receive.. if you know what i mean.. Anyways thanks for the advice. Just reading about people in the same boat kinda helps, although not good that we have to go through the mill at all.. lol. Take care girls

Thanks bubalicious, and I know what you mean about wanting/needing affection. It's only human I guess. Though i know that i can manage on my own, it would be nice to meet someone special (haha, does he exist? bitter laugh!). Good luck to you too.

Anyfucker, big wave back and thanks for all your words of wisdom

he does exist

Where?! Lol