is he lying? and why?

[lonelydoormat]

I am a single mum and have a partner of 3 years. We've had a lot of problems from other sources eg.exes, kids etc but I have always been there for him. But don't feel I have the same back.

I won't go into detail about the past but just want to know what you think of this?

He rarely phones and I'm not allowed to phone him at work (he's a builder).Only if important reason. Then he'll get back to me.

Today, I had to contact him for something (important!) regarding his work - I answer the phone for him. He didn't answer and after an hour I tried again and waited a while. I tried several times over 4 hours till about 3.30pm. A few times it was busy
and I know that a client spoke to him.

Eventually, he called back from his flat, very flustered saying he suddenly realised he had to take his van for MOT midday after he had worked for a few hours and had left his phone in the van before he took it to garage. when i asked why he didn't call me when he dropped the van off he said too busy as had to walk back to the job he was doing. So I asked him how he managed to speak to other people? he ignored that and got angry and kept going on about the MOT. He was very vague about where he was working.

I picked him up 10 minutes later from his flat to go get the van and although he'd said he was filthy, he was clean and changed.He is usually covered in dust from head to toe. He said he hadn't even had time to wash it was such a hectic day.

He was really pissed off that i am giving him a hard time when he's been busy all day.
But what I can't understand is how he had several opportunities to contact me eg when he was walking from garage or to home (half hour walks!). Also, he kept changing his story re where he was working.When he did have his phone on him, he didn't notice missed calls or bother to answer my calls. And if the job was so urgent that he stopped working by 3pm at least!

Sorry, this is so long! But he's done this on several occassions and it never adds up. If I question him he slams the phone down or storms off home.There are other strange things too.

He did say yesterday that he was too busy to see me today.

Ultimately, if he's not lying surely he could have spared a few minutes to give me a call whether I phoned or not?

Do you think I'm being unfair?

Thanks for reading this

Thanks for replies.

Nancy66, yes I am a doormat!I have always been lacking in selfconfidence but I seem to be even worse since I've been with him.

Originally,I helped him financially as it was supposed to be for our future together and even though we'd just had a baby when he started the business, I put my all into helping him eg. phone, running errands, picking up keys from clients, delivering materials to him sometimes in other towns,emailing clients, delivering leaflets, etc (all with baby in tow)as well as looking after the baby full time. He was working all hours and was very stressed and not a very nice person to be with but I put up with it for the first year as I knew it was hard for him.

Eventually, things eased when he got a good client base and got someone to work with him.He was able to work more normal hours.I thought that then we would spend more time together in the evenings and look towards living together (as we'd discussed). In fact,I saw him less and he'd be in the pub every night with friend and too tired to see us after!It all came to a head a few months ago because i confronted him and he told me he could never live with me as I don't give him an easy life! ie questioning him about our relationship!

gonnabehappy, you are right he is like a little boy.I saw him yesterday for a drink after work (he was covered in dust this time!)and he just pulled faces when I asked about avoiding phone calls.

Mankymummymoo,I'd never considered gambling and others have said it which is interesting.
If there is another woman he could easily go to her place.I rarely go to his flat and he eevades the subject of me having a key. He won't let me stay there alone.

Gonnabehappy, glad you say i'm not paranoid.I have been doubting myself as he says i should sort out my jealousy!I've never been the jealous type and I just question myself now that I am the one being difficult.

Sorry, this is such a long one after me saying I wouldn't go into detail!. There is so much more eg internet sex dating (no hard evidence though) which is where i think he might be meeting other women.

Thanks all for confirming I'm not mad as he says!

Good lord, Lonelydoormat, you've had a baby with him and he won't give you a key to his flat ???

He is a cocklodger

You are not being paranoid.

Get as muh of your money back as you an and run for the hills

Next time you want to call him either phone from a friends number or 141 then wait for the 'broken' dial tone (this shows as private number on his phone) if it's a mobile block your number in your settings.

None of it sounds good to me.

Take comfort in the fact that no-one here has said you are mad.

He will get angry because he wont be able to control you any longer.

It's so good to have all you netmums!

My head goes round in circles all the time as I think I am actually too trusting and want to believe him then he blatantly lies. Even when I tell him how I know it's a lie he will say I'm crazy! which is why i just feel constantly confused.

I have tried for the last 6 months to ask him where I stand but get nowhere.

Eg the keys to the flat : I did have them then after one of my 'confrontations' he took them back and now he skirts around the issue and then says I have no reason to be there when he's not around. I can't argue about that but on the other hand if it's a true relationship surely that would happen!. So now i have got mine back. But it's all so childish.

I'm supposed to stay at his tonight with DS but he's being all vague again about needing to chill (he's working today)after work and relax which is not possible with me around. He feels he has to look after me and won't be able to if he's tired and then will feel so bad that he's let me down!! So better next week! What a load of trite!I said all I want is for us to see him and for him to spend time with his son. Also, he's never been bothered about letting me down before! Anyway, begrudginly he's letting me stay.

Forgot to answer some of the questions netmummers asked. Sorry. He must owe me at least £4000 just for the business. But also I supported him before the work took off and often paid bills, petrol, materials for jobs for him. Also, he pays nothing towards son just bought him the occasional items.

I know that I have had enough but I'm so unsure for myself.I did not want to be a single mother and he still says he's working towards 'our' future- but when does that start! When he's 60 and decides he does want a family life!

Also,I've had a failed marriage and I'm in my early 40s - though from my story we sound like teenagers(!) - and have a teenager at home.I just have this vision of myself in my 50s with a young son who has no dad or family and a lonely, depressive mother who has no money and can do nothing for him.

So I guess part of me wants to believe him and if it means there is a better future ahead. But deep down I can't take any more of this. As he refuses to talk I find it hard to know if I'm just being unfair.

I know if a friend told me this story I would say dump him and that he's a user etc. but I can't seem to be strong myself!

I am just so scared of my own future and spend too much time crying instead of sorting things. Am crying now just writing this.

I also feel a fool for staying with him but on the other hand my son adores him.

It's all such a mess.

Lonely, speaking as someone who has been taken financially for a ride by blokes, please don't let this continue. Being lonely is horrid but so is what he is doing to you. You must stand up for yourself. You worry about being alone, but at least you'll have your sanity, not be constantly lied to and told it's all in your head. You worry about being broke, well, I'm pretty sure that even if this man started making money he'd hide it from you and you wouldn't benefit from it.

Have you read, "women who love too much" by Robin Norwood?

Reality,thanks for pointing out my mistake re netmums! Lol.

Everything you say is true and I tell myself the same things but then there is that nagging feeling that I'm making a big deal out of nothing and that I shouldn't throw it all away due to my 'paranoia'. I should be patient. But there is the other part that says what everyone has said and that I should get out now while i have my sanity and my son is too young to get too hurt (he is 2).

I am worried that he will see our son even less if I end it and I think part of the reason he wants me to stay is to avoid paying maintenance as he is 'working towards our future together'. Then in a few years will dump me when I'm no use to him because of all the 'nagging' on my part!

Dittany,you are right he treats me like shit.
I suppose I just have to think of how I can turn my life around while i have the chance.

AnAuntie, thanks for your advice.How did you cope with what happened to you? I still half believe that he is seeing other women for sex and I'm just there for the financial and practical help and so he can avoid his responsibilites.

I just wish I had some concrete proof re affairs as it would be hard for him to get out of it and explain it away as work!

Others have mentioned being sucked dry and i do feel that way after almost 4 years with him.Leech is an apt word.

I am amazed that no one has suggested that anything he's said is reasonable and fair which makes me realise that when I say some of these things to him that i'm not talking nonsense after all! Not that i ever get a word in edgeways as he always shouts me down then storms off.

Thanks for reading this MUMSNETTERS (please note, reality!).

One of the reasons I think he may be having affairs is that he does sometimes 'disappear' like the other day and then finally phone me with a reason why he didn't contact me. No hello or anything just straight out with the reason. very strange. Also, after me discovering the internet sex sites which he registered on on my computer, he went out and got new computer. his phone was stuck to him and often he won't take calls if I'm around despite the fact it could be work related!And even though he doesn't text me as he's too busy I know there are a couple of numbers he seems to text regularly.

Sorry to go on but what do you think of this?
The other day he stormed off again after a long lecture (lots of yelling on his part) about me being boring as I can't always do what he wants due to looking after kids. Wouldn't let me get my bit in. The next day he actually did text and said sorry - the first sorry i have ever had from him as he's always right.when i spoke to him on the phone the next day I jokingly said I was in shock from his text. He audibly gasped and said what text? As it was the first one for months, i was surprised and told him. and asked why he reacted like that. He then said that it was the way I put it so of course he was shocked. I then thought maybe he thought he'd sent the wrong one to me. I probably am just being paranoid here..

I really have to be strong and I think I am going to try and have it out with him.

Thanks for reading this far

You asked me how I coped. Well, I have to admit that I didn't have a child to consider and, with the ones I helped with money, there were not other women involved (although I did have a fling with a builder once and he had more women on the go than I'd have thought possible so excuse my inbuilt prejudice against builders..). I just decided that life alone, with the possibility of something better in the future was a better choice. The second time it happened I couldn't believe I'd let it happen again, some patterns are hard to break! I realise now much more about why I let it happen. In a way, I was helping these guys lead a fantasy life to stop facing up to my own life.

Newsflash -- you are a single mother.

And another headline -- You are with a man who shouts you down and storms off, steals money from you, cheats on you (yes, he does), and makes you doubt your sanity. That makes him an abusive, worthless, user.

How he will explain things at work is as follows: he will tell all his mates and colleagues that you are the world's biggest witch/ho/skank/nag/insert-any-other-unflattering-title-here, that you stole money from him, that you are ungrateful for all the support he gave you and his DS.

Please tell him it's over and go and see a counselor to get to the bottom of why you are setting the bar so low with him.

OMG, the phone glued to his side, the gasp at your mention of a text...

I'm so sorry, but at best he's only playing away, at worst you've just been had/scammed big time.

You need to try and get your money repaid, no matter what he says, it was your money.

Then you need to ideally change the locks and get him out of your house. If he wants any stuff back, he can have it in return for the money you have given him. He won't give it back, I don't think, but then set the CSA on him big time. Amass as much info on his work as you can so he can't say he's not earning...

I'm sure I'm not the only person that would welcome getting him in a small room so I can beat the crap out of him on your behalf...

Sorry haven't answered sooner. I did stay the night at his yesterday.

Dittany, I am not quite sure why i stay with him. I think you may have hit the nail on the head (if that's the right saying). I am not originally from the UK and there was a big fuss about me marrying my English ex even though my mum is English. Even more fuss about divorcing him. My parents were supportive but deep down disapproved although they disliked him and blame him for many things.Even more fuss when I meet another man and have a baby but don't get married. So even though for me it's ok to be unmarried, I think that I hate the thought of being in another failed relationship. Having my son caused so much fuss but they adore him now but I just can't face causing more disruption.

AnAuntie, what you say has struck a chord too.You are right, I'm not facing up to my life. When I divorced, I also decided that life alone was better and I started sorting my life out before I hit 40. I feel now that I have totally ruined everything that I achieved and by ending my relationship means I have to face up to that.

Math, funny you should say that about what he says at work. Apparently, he tells them he doesn't answer the phone because of the grief I give him! Yet I am so careful to only phone if it's to do with work and I get straight to the point eg. about answering an email and then end the call. No chat, nothing. He says I should just text him and that I am checking up on him.The other thing is that he says they have a bet that he won't get through on the phone to me and complains that I am losing him clients by not answering. It's true sometimes for example if I am at a toddler group and my phone is not near me but I always get back to him/them soon after.

Whedonzgal, I am even more shocked by your story! Are there really men like that?! I was happy too to take things slowly but when things improved, instead of us getting closer he started to lead a seperate life which is why i started to question things (not just possible affairs).

Yesterday we had a whole night of arguing as I found out that he hadn't been working on Thursday morning. Eventually, he said he had gone to a nearby city to buy me a present for my birthday which he showed me. Then he took van for MOT. Trouble is looking at the receipt, the time does not fit with his story. When I questioned this, and asked how he got there and back with no van and then to work he got very angry at my lack of appreciation for present and refused to discuss it further. By the way, my birthday is months away..

Also, I was meant to go to his flat at 8pm last night, after he had 'chilled' and had time to relax and have some space(saturday)but by chance I was nearby dropping my daughter off to meet friends at 7.30 (initially was meant to go to their house but they were late so asked me to meet them in town instead). While i was waiting in the car guess who walks past all dressed up texting on the phone! so i went up to him. He said he was on the way to supermarket to get us food and cook a nice meal. I said could I go with him and he said he prefers to go alone but didn't want me to go to flat. He said he'd see me at 8 as agreed. I went for a drink (with toddler) then at 8 phoned to see if he was back but no answer. So then I went to flat around 8.15 and buzzed intercom. I could see no one in. Phoned again. Must have phoned 10 times over half hour.In the meantime, went for another coffee (luckily DS not tired). Eventually, at 8.45 he phones to say he has been waiting since 8 and food is cold! When I got there, there was soup and a pizza waiting! I asked why not answering phone he said it was in the bedroom and hadn't checked. But could'nt give an answer about not hearing the buzzer. I almost believed him until i saw the receipt. He'd bought 5 items and paid at 8.25pm! I got really angry that he lied. it doesnt take an hour to buy 5 items and obviously he wasnt in when I buzzed. I persisted in asking where he was till he said went to meet a woman re work but she didn't turn up! I then asked why he had to lie about it, why dress up, why saturday night - should be with me, and why lie about having to chill before i turn up! All night we argued.

Sorry for all this detail but he refused to elaborate who the woman was and where he went. Said I have to stop going on at him and the reason he doesnt tell me things is he needs space from my going on at him. that from all my picking on him he backs away more and more.

Today, he said I'd ruined the weekend because I spent so much time questioning him and insulting him, like calling him a liar (am I thick for calling someone who lies a liar?!) and that he treats me this way because I am destroying our relationship.He wants to try again but he is giving ME one more chance!

Reading this I can see how stupid I am but he always manages to convince me I am at fault. I almost believe him but still it doesn't ring true.

You are all right, he is a shit and please bear with me while i get the courage to ditch him.

Ultimately, I am the one with the problem not in the way he says but for being so weak.

Tomorrow, I am going to start sorting myself out.

Please do all keep replying because what you have all said is making me begin to see sense and it really helps. Thanks.

You say you are a single mum. Can I ask what you are living on?

If you're on benefits (I'm only assuming) then he is seriously taking the piss. You have a child together, he is working, he doesn't support you and he's got you working for him? For nothing I assume?

What exactly are you getting out of this 'relationship'?

This is one of the saddest and most frustrating threads I have read for a while...

I seriously hope you are finally having your "LIGHTBULB" moment and you are getting your head straight to ditch this utter user

Am speechless as to why you are still with him, and why you stayed over last night when, having read in your posts, it is completely obvious you are not held in any loving esteem by him

He kept you and a toddler "waiting"

oh, fgs, tell me where he lives, I want to come round and punch his fucking lights out

and then tie you up, so you stay the fuck away from him

please, re-examine your life and find some self-respect from somewhere

You can't throw good years after bad with this apology for a man just because it will upset your parents.

If they knew what he was really like would they want you to live in misery?

Thanks for advice, Dittany. I think the same thing re snooping in flat but he would go mad if i said that and claim he's had enough of my questioning.

I am so hurt by all this and really you are right that i should consider myself unlucky rather than a failure. Trouble is I'm also scared that I will fall apart if i end it. So in a way i am living in a fantasy to not face up to the truth.

Yes on benefits now and take phone calls/run errands for free. Had job and savings when met him - now major overdraft and debts which is why I think he's slowly dumping me as not as useful to him. and yes, not sure what I get from this relationship. More to do with my guilt to DS if no dad (maybe blame me if finds out i ended it). My reasons for being with him, I can see now are not valid and are more to do with my mental state.

Anyfucker, actually all you lovely people are making me have my lightbulb moment. I think this has gone on for so long, and I have been waiting for 'our future' to start that I have lost myself along the way. And now finding it hard to get back.

He can be very charming and convincing, and i know that i am too trusting and suffer from guilt.

But from all your replies, I am beginning to see more clearly.

Thanks hambler. I think my parents would be supportive but I just feel ashamed and embarassed that I have failed again. But at the same time they would see me as totally irresponsible to have had a baby then end up alone! I know it's my choice but because of my foreign background i can't get rid of my feelings of shame and guilt.

i also resent that i am a 24 hour mum and that my partner can do all this and then walk away as if it has nothing to do with him.

I need to work on myself and just concentrate on being a decent mum. I feel very depressed at the moment so finding it hard to be positive.

Of course your DS won't blame you for ending it! He might blame you for sticking with this waste of space though and being miserable, stressed and unhappy throughout his childhood.

AnyFucker put it far better than I could. He doesn't treat either of you with love or respect. As you said, you were the banker and now things have changed.

However, he can still be a good father if he chooses to be without you being in a relationship with him. That choice is his but you really need to move on for your sanity and self respect.

And no, the phone calls and errands are not free. The state is subsidising his business and you are putting yourself at risk of being investigated for benefit fraud. Do you think that DWP would believe that the father of your child isn't paying you anything for working for him? He's a right charmer isn't he?