is he lying? and why?

[lonelydoormat]

I am a single mum and have a partner of 3 years. We've had a lot of problems from other sources eg.exes, kids etc but I have always been there for him. But don't feel I have the same back.

I won't go into detail about the past but just want to know what you think of this?

He rarely phones and I'm not allowed to phone him at work (he's a builder).Only if important reason. Then he'll get back to me.

Today, I had to contact him for something (important!) regarding his work - I answer the phone for him. He didn't answer and after an hour I tried again and waited a while. I tried several times over 4 hours till about 3.30pm. A few times it was busy
and I know that a client spoke to him.

Eventually, he called back from his flat, very flustered saying he suddenly realised he had to take his van for MOT midday after he had worked for a few hours and had left his phone in the van before he took it to garage. when i asked why he didn't call me when he dropped the van off he said too busy as had to walk back to the job he was doing. So I asked him how he managed to speak to other people? he ignored that and got angry and kept going on about the MOT. He was very vague about where he was working.

I picked him up 10 minutes later from his flat to go get the van and although he'd said he was filthy, he was clean and changed.He is usually covered in dust from head to toe. He said he hadn't even had time to wash it was such a hectic day.

He was really pissed off that i am giving him a hard time when he's been busy all day.
But what I can't understand is how he had several opportunities to contact me eg when he was walking from garage or to home (half hour walks!). Also, he kept changing his story re where he was working.When he did have his phone on him, he didn't notice missed calls or bother to answer my calls. And if the job was so urgent that he stopped working by 3pm at least!

Sorry, this is so long! But he's done this on several occassions and it never adds up. If I question him he slams the phone down or storms off home.There are other strange things too.

He did say yesterday that he was too busy to see me today.

Ultimately, if he's not lying surely he could have spared a few minutes to give me a call whether I phoned or not?

Do you think I'm being unfair?

Thanks for reading this

you say you have failed again.
Well that's a bit harsh on yourself, but let's say, yes you have "failed" again.

SO how do you move on from this failure?
Stay stuck in the situation just to keep the failure a secret?
Noone who care about you would want that for you.

Or acknowledge the failure and refuse to waste another precious day of your like continuing to live in a failed arrangement?

You sound like such a kind loving woman, but so unhappy and he sounds frankly dreadful

"So in a way i am living in a fantasy to not face up to the truth"

I do feel for you on this. I'm sorry that you've been targeted by such a man. If your parents would be supportive, please don't let your perceived shame and embarrassment prevent you from getting support where you can.

You say you resent your partner for walking away and that you can't. It's not that you can't walk away, it's that you won't, this is because you are a better person than him, you want to look after your child.

"He can be very charming and convincing" Exactly! Wolves really do come in sheep's clothing.

Fucking hell love you haven't failed! You have been systematically ripped off by a complete shitbag. Sadly it sounds like too many people in your early life had a go at convincing you that putting up with shit from men is a woman's unaboidable destiny, which is NOT TRUE.
Have you got anything at all in writing, any evidence in the form of invoices or bank statements, about how much money he has conned you out of? If so, take it to the CAB or a solicitor. Also consult them about maintenance payments for the DC he fathered. When you have the relevatn information, kick him out, have no cotact with him except via a third party and move on into the live you deserve.

Dittany, thanks for making me smile! Actually that's a brilliant idea and it will help me to stay focused when he's being evasive!

it is really hard dealing with someone who lies. At least if i knew the truth then I could decide things based on fact rather than what i might be imagining.

it is his actions which make me question him but even that gets me nowhere as i am made to feel the cause of his actions!

Even the 'truths' that he told me yesterday re woman and thursday don't add up. keeps forgetting his story re thursday and adding new things. said visited parents while in other city forgetting that would add at least another 2 hours before taking van to MOT which means it had the MOT before it got to garage!! I didn't mention that as would have set him off about my 'paranoia '

I have asked him to stop lying but he denies he does (!?) even after admitting the things he has. Again it's all turned around to be my fault. Eg.how i ruined the birthday surprise! Yet can't explain why he couldn't just answer the phone.

All these lies just do my head in.

Everyone who has just answered, thank you. I know you are all so right. In fact i now cant stop crying because of your honest and kind words.

I am trying so hard to be strong. I know this relationship is on the verge of ending. I guess it all boils down to being scared of the future.

I just cannot stop crying though. But I actually cant think of anything (apart from DS) that i've gained from him!

The blame thing, this is why a guy like this can get to you. You've said that you tend to feel guilt easily and blame yourself for things. Well for a person like him, who will always blame you for things that are not your fault but his, you are a perfect target. The same happened with my two narcissistic users. One lied so much about what was happening with his "special projects" that I sometimes thought he believed his own lies. Once you understand it is his behaviour that is hooking into your own patterns of self-blame, it becomes so much easier to deal with it....and don't blame yourself!

just read your last post. It's OK to cry, sorry you are alone with it now though.

You have gained your DS, you have gained self-knowledge and you still have half of your life left to live, you say you're scared of the future but it can still be full of good and better things to come.

Hello there,

First of all crying is probably good, because it means you're starting to deal with all of this.

Second, he left you wandering about on Saturday night not letting you of HIS SON into his flat while he did whatever he thought was more important.

It's so hard to walk away and I do know what you mean about your parents - I had all the same feelings when I left my marriage (our family doesn't 'do' divorced'. What they actually did though was look after me and DS and support us and help with all the practical and legal stuff.

You do need to get away from this toxic situation it sounds like it's just exhausting you.

Try not calling or answering your phone for a few days. If he wants to sort things out properly he'll make a proper effort then you can judge.

You sound like a very strong and very loving lady, you owe it to yourself and your children to find some joy.

Take care of yourself - a counsellor sounds like a good idea as well, it helped me massively with self esteem issues.

Big hugs, you can do it and you ARE worth more.
xMad

I think you should not see yourself as any kind of a failure, because you have obviously had the good sense to end one relationship that didn't work, and hopefully will end this one too, and soon. This shows you have good sense and courage, and can, in fact, face the reality that things are not anywhere close to where they should be, and make the necessary decision. And this one is the necessary decision. Take a deep breath and tell him it's over, and stick to your guns. You will have so much more energy for your DCs and they will be so happy to have their mother back.

Again thank you all for your wise words.
Had a sleepless night and cried a lot. Things just going round in my head.

When I read what i've written I can see how awful he treats me. I know i am not perfect but I do think I have done my best as a partner in this relationship but I don't feel that he does the same. if I say this i get all the spiel about how hard he's working for our future. But I am complaining about his spare time not his work! surely we should spend it together and he should take a part in caring for our child! I am not the type who wants to be stuck permanently to my other half and do like time away from him but it seems like he decides when is convenient to see each other and is free to do what he wants, when he wants.

I'm still amazed that not one person has suggested that I may be in the wrong too! It's what I've been trying to say to him - that even if no affair, he is still treating me badly.

Anauntie, I too think that he believes his own lies even when there is proof otherwise!How did you deal with the lies? it's so hard not to question my sanity when he gets angry that I'm accusing him even when I show him things like receipts! I must stop blaming myself like you said. Your words are very positive about self-knowledge and having half my life to live.

Madascheese, my parents helped me too after divorce but as i said i feel a failure but must stop thinking that way. a counseller is a very good idea and i will arrange that as a step to moving forward.

Math, I do have to face reality. I feel like I'm waking from a bad dream. And i feel like i have lost myself. my children do need their mother back. Although i look after them properly my mind is always focused on my relationship and trying to work out if i've said/done something wrong.

Dittany, I listened to the song. very apt. Last night, I was thinking,in anger, about his birthday which is coming up soon and ideas of presents to get him. I came up with :doormat and mug, to replace me when it ends; kitchen knife to stab the next woman in the back; toilet paper to wipe the crap that comes out of his mouth; and this song will be added to list. Stupid, I know but made me feel better! Any other ideas?

I definitely feel stronger today and i am going to avoid contacting him as long as possible.

I think you need a namechange...change it to NoLongerADoormat

and start extricating yourself from him as advised up the thread

see a solicitor or CAB regarding your rights and if you can extract any money back from him

if not, or it is all too difficult for you to follow-through, I really would just cut your losses right now

you also have to stop trying to get him to admit the lies, and quit attempting to understand him. You will never convince him he is wrong, there madness lies for you

while you hang around trying to get him to "see sense" and acknowledge his abusive behaviour and manipulation of you, your head gets more and more fucked-up

you only made one mistake, my love, and that was to hand him your love and trust on a plate

now it is yours to take back because he has forfeited his right to keep it

It's maddening isn't it, to be labeled as paranoid because HE is behaving badly, lying etc. I had this once with a real psycho I was with for a short time. As well as saying I was paranoid, insecure and jealous, he also suggested that I was being unfaithful to HIM, because the very fact I would suggest it of him meant that it was 'already in my mind' and I was the type of person to do that, I was projecting. Argh!

You cannot reason with people like that, they will never be reasonable, they will never acknowledge their actions were wrong. You don't need to explain or prove anything to them, you just need to get out.

This thread is so sad.
He treats you like crap, lies to you then turns it back on you and accuses you of being paranoid to cover his own behaviour. He tells you you're mad (classic asuser behaviour) and takes your money.
None of the lies he has told seem plausible to outsiders like us because we can see them for what they are. But I can see why you might start to believe them and doubt yourself when you're in the middle of it and he's charming/shouting at you.
He is taking from you and giving nothing in return. Please stop working for him - let him handle his own business calls. You have done enough for him already. Do no more.
Then work on disentagling yourself from this pathetic excuse for a man.
Can I ask, how old is he? He sounds very young and immature but I'm guessing he's around your age. If so, and he hasn't matured by now, he's never going to so the sooner you get yourself out the better.

Really feel for you...

Is there a way you can get him to write something down with regards to the loads?

I mean, you really shouldn't be left to pay back all that debt taken out for his benefit..

Try and get him to write something down that can be used legally - you see what I mean? Or do you have this in place already?

This happened to me and I was left with thousands of pounds in debt, in the end I had to give up paying them as I couldn't afford it, which meant I had 2 CCJs in my name.

loans, not loads

just want to say thanks for messages. trying to sort various things out in my life. feel more positive and stronger because of everything that everyone has said.

Tonight i have been getting things in order such as spending more quality time with my children instead of just thinking about my relationship.

It is so good to talk to people who have so much wisdom to offer.

It makes me realise I am not alone.

you are most definitely not alone with mumsnet

Hi there,

I'm pleased to see you're feeling more positive about yourself - giggling with the Kids is always a winner as far as I'm concerned as well.

One of the common things men like this do is isolate us from people who are a threat to them - ie can talk sense to us!

I was barely on speaking terms with my family (not a row or anything just no closeness there) and he had me sooo convinced they had a very low opinion of me, but of course my Mum, my Dad and my Sister came through for me and were prepared to whatever it took to keep me and DS safe and secure, 2 years later and it still reduces me to tears to think about how scared I was of their reaction but how incredible it was that they were so amazing and provided me with so much strength.

Hope you have a good day
xMad

Simple - if there's more bad times than good, it's time to get out. Sounds to me like any good times are minimal in this relationship. you just need to break that habit and stop seeing him as a partner, you are wasting weeks agonising over someone who clearly doesn't care about you - WHY?? Mind games are consuming and exhausting too, me thinks you need to stop thinking bout it and end it asap as he is not making you happy in any way. Hope that's not too harsh but thats how it seems from this side of the screen x

You have got to confront him about things when they dont add up, not just let him get away with it, by him saying yr paranoid prepare yourself for a long slanging match b4 hand it will make you more stronger, iv had a relationship with a liar.. If you have the facts (reciept times etc) he CANT wriggle out of it with lame excuses. He has drained you of everything, and is too much of a coward to finish the relationship as he is a coward for not having the guts to tell you the truth about things, your not a couple he has a seperate life that you know little of. He gives you nothing but grief and it will make you ill. Think of yr child and you now. CONFRONT the wimp until he confesses, he doesnt want to be with you for love does he? thats ob to see. make him the one to admit he is in the wrong he has failed the relationship. Chin up , be strong. Time to move on for you and yr child.

another quick one while DS asleep.
Not feeling too good today as head really in a spin but fighting it.

I will try to answer properly but have a headache so sorry if forget to mention some things.

Met him at lunchtime yesterday after he'd done a half day job that was booked in then he had to go off to do various chores like bank, paperwork etc.
Later at about 8pm (he is on a college course then)the customer he was meant to have worked for phoned to say that he never turned up! so yet another lie.

when i contacted him he said that he hadn't had time to go and he didnt remember telling me that he'd done half a day.

He started to be angry again so i shut up as he warned me he cant tolerate my accusations.
But i distinctly remember discussing the job at lunchtime. this is why i feel im going mad.

I also found out that saturday afternoon he was not working but in that city near us again an hour or so before i bumped into him that evening. so obviously had rushed home to get ready for going to meet woman 'customer'. He could have been at his parent's but im sure he would have mentioned it. i havent said anything about this to him.

Yes, i feel i should confront him again about all this but i cant get the truth and just get told its because of my accusations that he is being pushed away and that he cant take anymore of this. He cant see that its because of his lies that im accusing him! and i never get the truth.

today i feel very down and weak but i think i will aim to concentrate on my life and stop questioning him. it just makes me drained.

sorry have to go as DS awake. will post again later.

i cant tell you how much the advice i have received from everyone has helped me. also has anyone got any ideas for how to improve my job prospects eg courses and who to talk to to improve my financial situation. I was SAHM for many years before divorce and no career as such. would like to do a course so that get good job when DS goes to school in 3 years time.