is he lying? and why?

[lonelydoormat]

I am a single mum and have a partner of 3 years. We've had a lot of problems from other sources eg.exes, kids etc but I have always been there for him. But don't feel I have the same back.

I won't go into detail about the past but just want to know what you think of this?

He rarely phones and I'm not allowed to phone him at work (he's a builder).Only if important reason. Then he'll get back to me.

Today, I had to contact him for something (important!) regarding his work - I answer the phone for him. He didn't answer and after an hour I tried again and waited a while. I tried several times over 4 hours till about 3.30pm. A few times it was busy
and I know that a client spoke to him.

Eventually, he called back from his flat, very flustered saying he suddenly realised he had to take his van for MOT midday after he had worked for a few hours and had left his phone in the van before he took it to garage. when i asked why he didn't call me when he dropped the van off he said too busy as had to walk back to the job he was doing. So I asked him how he managed to speak to other people? he ignored that and got angry and kept going on about the MOT. He was very vague about where he was working.

I picked him up 10 minutes later from his flat to go get the van and although he'd said he was filthy, he was clean and changed.He is usually covered in dust from head to toe. He said he hadn't even had time to wash it was such a hectic day.

He was really pissed off that i am giving him a hard time when he's been busy all day.
But what I can't understand is how he had several opportunities to contact me eg when he was walking from garage or to home (half hour walks!). Also, he kept changing his story re where he was working.When he did have his phone on him, he didn't notice missed calls or bother to answer my calls. And if the job was so urgent that he stopped working by 3pm at least!

Sorry, this is so long! But he's done this on several occassions and it never adds up. If I question him he slams the phone down or storms off home.There are other strange things too.

He did say yesterday that he was too busy to see me today.

Ultimately, if he's not lying surely he could have spared a few minutes to give me a call whether I phoned or not?

Do you think I'm being unfair?

Thanks for reading this

Hi again. You asked me how I dealt with the lies...Once I realised they were happening and that the person didn't want to change, I stopped wasting energy on them. I actually disagree with bubbaley who says continue to confront him, fair enough if that worked for her but in your case, you know that he will just deny it and turn it all around on you. In the end, you don't really need to know what he is up to in order to know that he is not sharing his life with you in any equal sense. In your situation, I said, enough, no need to waste energy and emotion on this anymore, time to move on. As you say, it is just draining to constantly try and work out what he is doing and why.

I think a good start would be to change your name!

Secondly are you sure eh doesn't have money problems? This could be the reason for not turning up at jobs.

I have to say though that in my experience once a man starts to make you think you are ging mad its a bad sign.

good luck

He clearly is lying to you, it's hard but stop wasting your time with him and concentrate on you and family for a while. No one deserves treatment like this but it doesn't sound like he has any intentions of treating you right, so why bother with him - the relationship is clearly getting you down. bite the bullet and wave him goodbye if you want all this to stop.

err, if you carry on exactly the way you are-being just the part of his life that he chooses and running round doing his errands etc PLUS not challenging him, then you are WORSE off than before

do something, anything, but fgs, don't push your head into the sand even deeper

let me get something straight

you are a single mum, on benefits, and he doesn't contribute financially in any way

why the fuck are you still considering him as your partner?

just tell him it is over, effective immediately

have you thought about taking legal advice re. the debts ? Tbh, do all that when his toxic influence is gone

you must be in some crazy inertia state, frozen

get rid, you will be no worse off

but you will jettison a massive millstone that is dagging you down

Your P reminds me of every madddening, unreliable, incompetent tradesman I have ever hired to do anything around my house. I often thought, while waiting (and waiting and waiting) for carpenters, drywallers, etc. to arrive, that they were probably just as bad in their personal lives, and yes, it seems, they are, to judge from your P anyway. I always rolled my eyes at their lame, lame excuses and tried to pin them down to another time. So frustrating -- did they want my money or not? I was willing to pay them, fhs, for their work.

But hats off to your P: not only does he not show up for work he had arranged, he found someone else to deal with the angry clients while he's off with his RL wife or GF.

I agree you shouldn't waste any more time or energy trying to get the truth out of this conman. He is a liar through and through, and a user. Cut off all contact and write him off, for the sake of your sanity. Really, your health will suffer if you keep a relationship of any sort going with him.

If you have got debts /loan in YOUR name you need to transfer those over to him somehow before you let him know you're ditching him...otherwise you might not see him for dust.

You could be cunning and carry on in the relationship but without any actual meaning on your part...just kind of toeing the line - so he doesn't realise you're onto him, but you're protecting your own feelings.

Then you might reach a place where he has paid more back or something. I don't know but do be cautious about letting on iyswim, or you might be left with all the debts and he's vanished. Not that anyone ought to put up with being treated like this but there must be a way to get out of it cleverly iyswim.

Jumente, it seems he is not even attempting to stump up

even in a daily cost-of-living type of way

never mind the debts

OP should see a solicitor immediately

I don't think she can do it by herself, she sounds too easily manipulated

Thanks everyone. Sorry as still feeling unwell i will just answer you all generally.

Yes, i am very easily manipulated that's true and that's why i know that really all this is my fault as i allow it to happen. its just that i do love him and i have to try and work out why i want to be with him when he doesnt want me. i suppose i just desperately want his love.

Even after i told him about the customer who phoned he made it seem my fault as i told the customer that he'd done half a day's work. i said how was i to know otherwise if he hadn't told me but made it seem as if i had deliberately messed things up.

i know a lot of this is all the stuff within me like guilt, being too trusting (though he'd dispute this), gullible,stupid, fear of the future. I think the comments about state of inertia and head in sand are very true. the embarassment of having another failed relationship. My age doesnt help. and also i suppose that if i hang on im fooling myself that its all going to be ok.

he has got major financial problems and this is his last chance to try and sort things which is why i help him so much, as thats what i thought supportive partners do.and why i make no claims on his money on the basis that he is working for us.thats why it hurts if hes spending time and money (which i thought was for us) on someone else. i have decided not to get suspicious anymore as it gets us nowhere and believe him re affairs but it still hurts that he doesnt want to be with me.

Maybe me thinking hes having an affair is my way of coping. then i dont have to admit to myself that he cant stand my company and wants to be left alone.

as far as the OU course goes, i will look into that. it looks good.

i am seeing my doctor next week too to sort out my depression and get counselling.

had a lovely evening chatting to DD and playing with DS so that helped too.

i do need to talk with him about finances and DS but hes so hard to talk to that im dreading it. not sure we will get anywhere. i dont want to do solicitors as hate to cause trouble. we have both been through this when divorcing exes and for all the things that have happened i dont want to put him through that. i'd just like to be amicable about it.

i dont wish him ill at all as i do still love him. i just feel so sad about it all. and so sad that my DS will never have a stable family life. just feel i have failed my children as DDs didnt have a secure life either.

I know i can cope alone but i feel at this stage in my life i would love to be in a proper family unit.i hate the thought of growing old alone never having had that. when i divorced i had no fear of this but now its a lot harder as i cant stop the love i feel for him so i just hang on in stupid hope.

Sorry for rambling on. i will take it one day at a time and try to sort my head out.

Am so sorry you feel you are unable to change things for yourself at this time

Can you at least stop financing him?

Tell him you have no money left at all and you can no longer bail him out. How he acts after that may confirm some things for you and make your way ahead clearer

I feel so sad, that after posting for help, you have actually gone backwards

At least before, you were questioning his role in your life

Now you seem to have decided to accept whatever throwaway crumbs he deigns to send in your direction

How the hell did that happen ?

This will sound harsh, but as you don't seem to care what happens to you, do you not have any fear for your childrens future ?

Please know that whatever happens, however, you can always get support and advice on MN, even if sometimes it takes a form that is difficult to hear

Dittany...help

thanks anyfucker. i dont mean to sound like im going backwards. what i meant was that i will try and concentrate on my state of mind and why i feel that i have to stay with him. and i realise its because i love him and im letting that cloud everything.

the love part is hard to get rid of but if i focus on getting rid of my guilt, feelings of failure, shame, fear of the future etc and really work on making my kids happy then i will be stronger and just have to accept that he doesnt want me, rather than desperately hang on to trying to make him stay with me.

I dont want to question him any more about what hes doing etc as it just exhausts me and i guess if he doesnt want to be with me i cant do anything about it.

by taking it one day at a time i guess its my way of not looking too far into the future and panicking about things. that way i can make sure i actually get on with things rather than just crying about things.

thanks for your advice and support. the things you have said really do help to clear things in my mind and make me feel as if i can move on.

ok, that sounds a little more positive LD (I refuse to type out your whole name), sorry if I misinterpreted your last post

please, please can you find a way to put a complete stop to you giving him any more of your money ???

From what you have said, he does not deserve your love. And I don't think he loves you and your little boy. He may say he does, to shut you up when you get a bit antsy, but his actions tell a different story

Your love is yours to give or not. You can take it back. I guess until you accept that, you will continue to live this mock one-sided relationship.

Or, until something awful happens. It would be better if you didn't wait like a frozen rabbit until that day.

You can take control if you can manage to find the strength. You have been divorced before, so you obviously have it in you. Unfortunately, the more your self-esteem takes a battering by your knowledge that you are desperately clinging to a man who doesn't want you (except for your money, unpaid graft and as a verbal/?physical punching bag), then it will ebb away even further.

Could you go away for a while? Visit a friend/relative/someone you trust. Talk about this in RL when you are not in the middle of it. It may help to clear your head.

dittany, sorry i didnt answer re violence. he hasnt been violent before although the other night when i had the huge row about where hed been on sat night, i kept saying that he'd duped me and conned me, and he pushed me quite hard off the bed.he said it was due to me going on so much.

re the money, when he started the business i was pregnant and he had no money. He said he wanted to really make a go of this for all of us and that it was our business but that id have to fully support him on this by helping in all ways and at the end of it we would all have a secure future. he did work extremely hard and at all hours and i did my best to do things for him and i was happy to deal with baby alone on the basis that it was our business. i did it because i thought that we were doing it as a 'team'(his words) and as far as he was concerned i was company secretary. So i genuinely thought that we were building a business together and that when things improved we would live together and start to enjoy life as a family. This is what he told me.

But last year, after a year of this, he managed to employ two people and his hours became shorter. this is when he started going for long drinks after work, then refused to see me as tired. also he started to go on the internet sex dating sites and thats when he seemed to disappear on saturday mornings and sometimes in the evening (to do quotes that i hadnt booked or see his parents). I also questioned him as to why i couldnt be paid for what i do. and why he couldnt spend his spare time with us as i thought thats what we were aiming towards. he also started talking about his 'bachelor pad' and how he'd never leave it. the final insult was when they went for their christmas meal as a company and i wasnt invited. even one of his employees asked why i hadnt gone! i also tried to arrange nights out with my friends and each time he let me down as turned up too late or too drunk to look after baby.

This is when i started questioning him about where i stand and just to tell me if he wanted to end it. He would get really angry and start shouting and storm off. and thats why now he says that its me who has pushed him away with all the things i have levelled at him over the past year.

so i feel i cant win with him. now i have no money as hes taken it all, he has one person working for him, he has a good client base, i hardly answer phone for him as now he tells people to call him directly so i just get new customers or cold sellers (is that what you call them?) and he has started his own diary as he cant trust me because of the way i behave. so i feel he has got what he wanted from me and is pushing me out.

i do feel i am in a fantasy world but he led me to believe these things and thats why i find it hard to get out of it. i wasnt trying to buy his love. he just convinced me that i was his rock and that all this was for us and how much he loved me etc. And he still says these things.

i just want try to accept that i dont mean anything to him and thats whats so difficult.

Thanks anyfucker.

I have no money left to give him! In the past i always bailed him out if he was short of money for jobs or if van needed repairing or he needed food etc. But now i have so little as am now on benefits so very tight.

Thats a good idea about going away. Thats another thing i can do to improve things. I have a friend whos always asking us to go and stay so i will probably do that.

Also, what is RL?!

RL- real life

LD, omg, I wish I knew you there (don't worry, I won't start to stalk you )

After your last post, I really, really think you have to prepare yourself for something.

Sometime in the near future, he is going to dump you from a great height. When he feels the time is right (he is certain you are no longer of use to him and he moves onto the next gullible female to "build another future with"), he is going to be gone so fast his feet won't touch the ground.

Taking your money, heart and hopes of that family, mythical "future" with him.

Please keep that in the back of your mind and make sure you have someone in RL than can be ready to support you when that happens.

I am going to bed now. I wish you all the best.

x -posts with Dittany

I agree with everything she said.

"the love part is hard to get rid of but if i focus on getting rid of my guilt, feelings of failure, shame, fear of the future etc and really work on making my kids happy then i will be stronger and just have to accept that he doesnt want me, rather than desperately hang on to trying to make him stay with me".

This sounds like a good mindset LD. Could you add in too, working on making yourself happy, as well as your kids?

You talk a lot about fear of the future and your age. I'm sorry to say that there's every possibility that this man is right now working on charming a woman more solvent than yourself to move himself along financially. By planning your own future, you remove the fear. You will have a solid base, no matter who or what comes along.

You say that this business is his last chance - why his last chance? Is that a line he has spun you to keep you involved? Any way you look at it, his work is not going to be the road to riches is it? Over the past 10 years, until the recent credit crunch, builders could buy a place, do a bit of work on it and sell it on for an easy profit but the property business isn't that way now, nor will it be in the forseeable future. From what I can see it's pretty dog eat dog out there in the building trade at the moment and there aren't likely to be many magic pots at the end of a builder's rainbow.

Finally, just coming back on Dittany's "Somebody this selfish, this entitled, doesn't normally let their partners away with just verbal abuse, not when they are challenged particularly". ...none of the self-entitled, using men I've had the misfortune to let myself get entangled with laid a finger on me, neither did they verbally abuse me, the were much more clever and subtle than that.

I am going to bed now.

I feel so bad for you, truly. If I feel sick just now, I can't imagine how you must be feeling, LD.

Will you please post tomorrow and let us know you are OK.

Sorry, my last post came before your 22.40 post.

If you were properly company secretary as part of a limited company, you would be registered, you would have had to sign forms.

However, since April 2008 it has been optional for a limited company to have one, it is no longer obligatory.

Either way, it's very important now that you find out because, if you are registered as company secretary you are liable for certain things.

Is he working as a sole trader or a limited company? Have you seen any accounts? You certainly have a right to see them given that you financed the business.

Frankly, it sounds like he pulled any money he could out of the business to entertain women for casual sex. I wonder if he's even paid his tax liabilities?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you LD. Please don't think it's the end for you though. You still have those two children that love you and an opportunity to build a new life.

Thought i posted a long message earlier but must have pressed wrong key!

So just a quick one and will post later.

I dont have any legal tie to the company and no proof of what he owes me. I had no reason to not believe him. If it was the other way round in a relationship, I would think it is okay for the man to support the woman financially if she had no money and was trying to improve things for both of them. so at the time i took all this on in good faith. Of course now i know otherwise as im at this point and feel a complete fool.

Also as far as i knew we were a couple so therefore share our money. As he didnt have any, that meant mine. so obviously when he started to get some i then would say when would me and kids get some benefit from it. Then hed get angry as i am rocking the boat etc. and storm off.

You see all the things you have said are things that i have spoken to him about but it turns into rows and he disappears off. Then im told that its because of this that he does what he does, like not spending time with me as i make his life hell.

So either way i cant win and i'm apparently to blame for ruining the relationship. Which is why i just want to concentrate on my lack of confidence to become stronger mentally.

Bad night with DS not sleeping well so been up since 5 but he went back to sleep at 7. Its things like that which make me feel lonely and that i dont have someone to support me.

Off to have shower while DS asleep so will post again later.

Posting on here and all the replies has helped me so much so thanks again.