is he lying? and why?

[lonelydoormat]

I am a single mum and have a partner of 3 years. We've had a lot of problems from other sources eg.exes, kids etc but I have always been there for him. But don't feel I have the same back.

I won't go into detail about the past but just want to know what you think of this?

He rarely phones and I'm not allowed to phone him at work (he's a builder).Only if important reason. Then he'll get back to me.

Today, I had to contact him for something (important!) regarding his work - I answer the phone for him. He didn't answer and after an hour I tried again and waited a while. I tried several times over 4 hours till about 3.30pm. A few times it was busy
and I know that a client spoke to him.

Eventually, he called back from his flat, very flustered saying he suddenly realised he had to take his van for MOT midday after he had worked for a few hours and had left his phone in the van before he took it to garage. when i asked why he didn't call me when he dropped the van off he said too busy as had to walk back to the job he was doing. So I asked him how he managed to speak to other people? he ignored that and got angry and kept going on about the MOT. He was very vague about where he was working.

I picked him up 10 minutes later from his flat to go get the van and although he'd said he was filthy, he was clean and changed.He is usually covered in dust from head to toe. He said he hadn't even had time to wash it was such a hectic day.

He was really pissed off that i am giving him a hard time when he's been busy all day.
But what I can't understand is how he had several opportunities to contact me eg when he was walking from garage or to home (half hour walks!). Also, he kept changing his story re where he was working.When he did have his phone on him, he didn't notice missed calls or bother to answer my calls. And if the job was so urgent that he stopped working by 3pm at least!

Sorry, this is so long! But he's done this on several occassions and it never adds up. If I question him he slams the phone down or storms off home.There are other strange things too.

He did say yesterday that he was too busy to see me today.

Ultimately, if he's not lying surely he could have spared a few minutes to give me a call whether I phoned or not?

Do you think I'm being unfair?

Thanks for reading this

Whatever he's doing, you're not being met halfway and that's just not fair given you both have stuff to deal with. If you are there for him then it is only right that he should be there for you. That is the point of being in a relationship. At the very least it's selfish. You deserve to have your needs met equally in a relationship.

'Its things like that which make me feel lonely and that i dont have someone to support me.'
Hugs hun. I understand maybe sometimes it's easier to have someone/anyone around just because it means you are not alone but try to have higher expectations for your own needs. Unless you believe you deserve more no one else will.

LD I agree with Dittany that you have been targeted by a con man. It is also very likely indeed that he has lined up another woman to bleed dry in the near future now that you have no more money for him to steal.
And what he has done is theft. Men like this (and some women, too) target the lonely and vulnerable and trusting, especially those who just happen to have some money, and set about systematically conning them out of every last penny.
I think you should actually consider going to the police about what this man has done. I also wonder: did he tell you about what awful neurotic suspicious bitches all his XPs were? If so, have a think about whether he mentioned any names and if there is any way of contacting any of them, because if you can demonstrate a track record of this type of dishonest manipulation there is a stronger chance of charges being brought against hi8m.
Whie you are doing this, try to do some work on your self-esteem, as well. Presumably you were convinced at some point in the past that a woman is nothing without a partner and that any relationship is better than being single, my poor girl you have had a very comprehensive lesson in what bullshit that is.

Why can't your DS have a stable home life with you and the baby? What do you mean by stable? Does stable mean having a father figure? IS a single mum who can keep it together financially (until this thief came along anyway) not providing a stable home life? Give yourself some credit.

Everything you said in your posts points to this man doing a real job on your head, LD. I suspect manipulation of women (yes, you know you're not the only one who has "allowed" this to happen) and daylight robbery are his only talents.

Hi all. again just some general answers as v tired.

Yes, he's divorced twice and they were bitches of course. The second one was pretty nasty to me and daughter and gave us hell to get at him. so cant forgive her for that. He had affairs while with her but always says that she is the cause of the family breaking up as she dumped him! when i point out that he had an affair thats why it ended he cant get it as apparently she forgave him! The first wife was 'insecure' as she suspected affairs so they ended it and of course im just mad as i accuse him of lying when he lies.

Anyway, due to yet another row tonight about how i ruined his weekend because i went on so much about his lies and how he tricked and fooled me etc he refuses to speak to me,
i have just left a message on his phone to say ive had enough and its over. He lied again tonight to me. told me has was somewhere else just as i saw him driving past. but of course its because im insane that he lied as he cant forgive me.

Tomorrow, i will start working out what the next stage is as far as money goes and DS.

You are all right i can be a better mother without him as he wont be around to screw my head up.

Of course, to him its over because of MY appalling behaviour as i dared to question him about his lies.

And yes, i guess hes found another woman he can tell his sob stories to about how he works so hard and they turn round and stab him in the back. 'oh and while you are heartbroken about my poor, sad predicament, could you pay for the meal, drinks i treated you to and also for my business, van, materials as i forgot my wallet..'.

Im so glad i posted on here as the fact that so many people have said what ive been thinking makes me realise that im not just 'picking on him' (as he says).

Another thing of interest, when i found out about the internet sites hed been on (due to him always switching the screen when i came in)he installed a keylogger on my computer and though he is of course far cleverer than me, he forgot to hide it, so i was able to see what he went on! Then he realised and removed it and now i have constant messages from virus program (or whatever its called) saying there is someone remotely accessing my computer. of course it could be anyone but it started after he was on installing some new things which he didnt want me to see. so i suspect hes read everything on here. He may find it interesting that there are so many insane women around that dont believe his lies and think his behaviour is disgusting!

Feeling angry tonight rather than down as hes such a manipulator. He was trying to turn DD against me and we ended up arguing (me and DD) so then said 'you see, you even upset your daughter, thats proof how screwed up you are and you need a psychiatrist to sort your head out'. I actually totally agree with him this time. I do feel im going mad but its all the games that he plays with me.

I will get my head sorted so that i never get taken for such a fool again. I do hurt alot but i can get through this.

Thanks again for keeping me sane.

Hi - good to hear you sounding more positive tonight. Onwards and upwards!

On the keylogging/monitoring. You do need to get that off your computer. You don't want him being able to mess with your email, banking, or anything else you do on-line.

Well done, LD

You should change your name now you have seen him for what he really is, perhaps NoLongerALonelyDoormat is in order ?

He really does seem to follow a nasty pattern doesn't he ?

Unfortunately for the next one who comes along, there are so many vulnerable women willing to ignore nagging doubts and swallow his bullshit

But you are not one of them now. Never mind any mistakes you made with him, forgive yourself (he is obviously a clever manipulator) and harden your heart against him.

You can do it, and like you say, be a better mother to your children without the constant worry and insecurity he brought you

No awful relationship is worth hanging on to just so you can be in a "couple" and provide 2 parents for your dc

One good parent is a 10000000000000 times better than a bad combination of two unhappy people

Have you called, or considered calling Women's Aid? 08002000247. Give them a ring. For one thing they will be able to help with the practicalities of sorting out the money, also, they will be able to reassure you that you are not mad, not stupid, it's not your fault, that you have been the victim of a nasty, maniuplative, predatory ABUSER. Because you are not alone here. There are a number of men like this who, as has been said further up the thread, target the vulnerable, manipulate them and bleed them dry. WOmen's Aid will also be able to offer you advice on building up your own self esteem so you are no longer vulnerable to predators like him.
Best of luck. WIshing you the strength to press charges against the shitbag for obtaining money by deception, for one thing.

It's really important for you to bring your computer to an expert to have it checked out, especially if you do online banking or anything financial, apart altogether from the horrible invasion of privacy there might be. Do it no matter what the cost.

Forgot to add to freename, this is precisely what i have said to him, that im not gaining anything from being with him. he still maintains its for our future! But cant see how meeting other people is going to achieve that! if he cant bear to be with me now then he never will be. just because its not an affair doesnt mean that i have to accept it all.and if i am so awful to be with then why not just say? rather than make out i need to try harder, then i do; then harder still as always some reason for why its me to blame.

But now it's over, i dont have to worry about my role in being good partner. i can think about me and the kids. thats all that matters.

Oh no done it again!just posted long message (before the last one) answering everyone but must have pressed the wrong key!

So forgive me as now its going to be short (hooray, says everyone!) before DS wakes up.

So now general answers.
Yesterday he came round with wine to discuss things. of course turned into slanging match and he said he meets female friend (20s) he used to work with (i know her and like her)and he does it secretly as he cant relax with me as always ruining things. apparently, he only ever saw me as a friend (great friend, the way hes treated me!)and only stayed with me for babys sake to do the honourable thing! this is despite me saying i wanted abortion and him saying he wanted to keep it!(now i know why). I do adore DS but sad that thats the way he is seen by his dad.

I also discovered that he went to meet her after wed night row. I think thats why caused argument with DD so that he could go off to his date as id ruined it by seeing him not in the place he said he was and must have been late!he kept trying to goad me into arguing but i wouldnt take bait so then encouraged daughter to get upset. that made me angry so off he went! Apparently, he contacted her as id upset him so much with the row with DD. Funny, how shes available at the drop of a hat at 10pm, not that it was already planned!

I will sort computer when have some money as very short at the moment (i wonder why!?).

got to go

lonelydoormat Please change your user name

This thread has made me feel sick. Sick that somebody can be such a bastard, but then, reading some of the threads on here, I really shouldn't be that surprised.

You CAN create a stable home life for your DS. Your family is not just your DS, but your DD too - the Three Musketeers.

Your, ahem, "partner" can stick it where the sun don't shine.

Get all the advice you can from Womens Aid and CAB. Arm yourself with as much as you can - also, it might be worth threatening him with the CSA - just to put the wind up him ....

so yes, as expected there is another woman on the scene

and he has been engineering arguments and dodging you so he can boff her

what a lovely man

err, don't just threaten the CSA, he must pay maintenance for his child

and see CAB regarding extracting some of your money back out of his "business", unless he has spent it on wine, women and song

Methinks there isn't really a business, as you hint, SF, just an ongoing scam involving a lifestyle financed largely by women, plus a little construction on the side.

And this girl is going to be the next on his list. Presumably she has a good income/her own home/a trust fund or something.
It would probably be ethical to warn her, but I'm afraid it's unlikely to do any good as he will already have told her that you are a desperate, jealous bitch who tells lies... that's the way these conmen operate.
I am so sorry for you - and the other girl as well, really. These men always get a come-uppance in the end, they always try it on once too often (they never realise that their looks have gone and their next target is in fact laughing at them or they pick on a woman with large and physically-inclined friends or relatives).
Wishing you strength.

karma will punch this fucker on the nose one day

it always does, sooner or later

like sgb, not everyone will take such treatment lying down (or their families won't let a bad 'un get away with it)

this is why these scammers pick on eg. lonely single mothers who don't have strong mates (if they do, they isolate 'em by making it difficult to maintain the f'ship), or don't have close family

and no, math, I don't believe there is a proper "business" either

I've heard there's a programme called spycop (I think) that might detect spyware. You could google it.

Wow, have just read all of this thread

This man is a fucking arsehole of the highest order and you deserve so much better, no matter what he tells you.

He has done a grand job of blaming you for everything, lying to you, taking all of your hard earned cash.....all while he has been setting himself up nicely with the next woman who no doubt will see him financially through the coming months/years.

You, make sure you get everything you are entitled to from this guy, make no concessions and no excuses. Stand firm and take no shit from him AT ALL, don't let him fob you with sad story, the 'poor me's'. No more! Time for you to put yourself first, get back your confidence, get everything you're entitled to financially and distance yourself from this male as soon as you possibly can.

If he is being shitty (and no doubt he will), maybe look into the legalities of installing remote keyloggers on other peoples computers, it could be something that comes under the "Misuse of Communications Act".

Good luck an chin up

Thanks all.

Done something with computer again so cant see answers while type. so sorry if get names wrong or forget to reply.

Lemony, the name will change when i really feel i have moved on. Already feel stronger as know the truth and not me being paranoid. My aim is now to concentrate on kids and try and sort a future out for us before too late.

Dittany (i think you said this), i always think of the neon lights on forehead now and can smile to myself when being told things!

Cant remember who said what, but will answer generally now. I will try the program that was suggested and also the other ideas re money etc.

We had talk on Fri night, and agreed DS stays with him one of weekend and one day during week. He stayed last night at his and he looked after him well. Hope he can keep this up and not one off depending on my behaviour. Still full of contradictions when we talk though and will never be able to trust him.

Texted the female friend on his phone to say i have nothing against her, just didnt want the lies and also if things bad then we either sort it or give up. Dont want her to just believe everything he says. Interestingly, he hasnt seen her for a few days. Maybe a bit boring now that i know and dont care! Guess thats part of the game.He can do what he wants now that im not involved.

He still will not admit he has lied and maintains that its all caused by me as i misinterpreted our relationship. Apart from being just friends (great friend!), i apparently tricked him into having a baby! He cant answer why i would choose a penniless, debtridden, unemployed man (at the time) who i gave money, time and effort to in order to do this!

Anyway, i am past caring and also not so sad about things anymore as at least i know where i am and what i plan to do.

Thanks again for all your replies and advice. i cant tell you how much it helps me.

Also, i am thinking of doing a computer course as not very good at this!

Please, do keep replying. it helps so much