is he lying? and why?

[lonelydoormat]

I am a single mum and have a partner of 3 years. We've had a lot of problems from other sources eg.exes, kids etc but I have always been there for him. But don't feel I have the same back.

I won't go into detail about the past but just want to know what you think of this?

He rarely phones and I'm not allowed to phone him at work (he's a builder).Only if important reason. Then he'll get back to me.

Today, I had to contact him for something (important!) regarding his work - I answer the phone for him. He didn't answer and after an hour I tried again and waited a while. I tried several times over 4 hours till about 3.30pm. A few times it was busy
and I know that a client spoke to him.

Eventually, he called back from his flat, very flustered saying he suddenly realised he had to take his van for MOT midday after he had worked for a few hours and had left his phone in the van before he took it to garage. when i asked why he didn't call me when he dropped the van off he said too busy as had to walk back to the job he was doing. So I asked him how he managed to speak to other people? he ignored that and got angry and kept going on about the MOT. He was very vague about where he was working.

I picked him up 10 minutes later from his flat to go get the van and although he'd said he was filthy, he was clean and changed.He is usually covered in dust from head to toe. He said he hadn't even had time to wash it was such a hectic day.

He was really pissed off that i am giving him a hard time when he's been busy all day.
But what I can't understand is how he had several opportunities to contact me eg when he was walking from garage or to home (half hour walks!). Also, he kept changing his story re where he was working.When he did have his phone on him, he didn't notice missed calls or bother to answer my calls. And if the job was so urgent that he stopped working by 3pm at least!

Sorry, this is so long! But he's done this on several occassions and it never adds up. If I question him he slams the phone down or storms off home.There are other strange things too.

He did say yesterday that he was too busy to see me today.

Ultimately, if he's not lying surely he could have spared a few minutes to give me a call whether I phoned or not?

Do you think I'm being unfair?

Thanks for reading this

LD, you sound so much more switched on

He says you misinterpreted your relationship ? Jeez, what a charmer he is !

I had to laugh at the way you said would you really choose such a deadleg to be the father of your baby ? I love the way you are thinking, girl.

Do not ever trust anything that come out of his gob, ever again

Actions, not words, remember that xx

Scary, thanks.

Yes actions not words is one of the (nasty) things i have said to him.

Whats interesting is that when we first met i paid for everything as he had so little money and he never dressed up or made an effort for me as he said he was low in self esteem (which im not so sure about now)but it didnt matter to me. After two weeks of knowing me, he sent me two texts saying he loved me! at the time i thought it a bit odd, alarm bells (why didnt i trust my instincts) and all that but i ignored them as i thought it too soon. He of course denies it. Its one of the many things that i apparently have made up. This is the kind of thing that makes me question myself and think its all in my head. But now i know for certain that he lies, i feel that i can believe in myself more.

Also, i pointed out that when he questions my 'lies' eg tricking him into having baby in order to clear his debts and be bled dry in all ways (sorry, bit sarcastic today), my replies are consistent whereas his change according to the next question that i catch him out with!

And yes i feel like i am being ME again!

keep posting, you sound like a fab person who has woken up and smelled the bullshit coffee

what are your next steps from a practical point of view ?

LD, just read the whole of this thread, and am so impresed at how far you've come. Keep going, you so didn't deserve any of this treatment, and it's great that the advice on here has helped you realise that.

I'd really recommend counselling if you can manage it, to help raise your self esteem and stop you being as vulnerable in future.

And thanks to the recommendation on this thread, I'm about to enrol myself on an OU course - it was exactly what I was looking for too!

Wishing you all the best for a happier future.

If it's one thing i have learnt over the past 3 years, but am only now realising, it's that (some) men will lie blatantly to get their own way, look you in the eye and swear blind they are being honest! They are unbelievable.

I sound soo bitter don't i, how will i ever trust again?

YEs LD work on your self esteem, work on making friends or getting back in touch with the friends nobboid cut you off from. You won't fall for this sort of crap again. You've had a very harsh and nasty lesson against believing that having a partner is the answer and that any relationship is better than no relationship. A good friend of mine got targeted and done over in a similar way by a similar turd of a man so I know the way these creatures operate.

LD You already sound like you're well on the way to a name change

Keep going - don't trust him as far as you can spit him.....

megmums and solid, i'd love to know your stories and how you dealt with it?

As for me, i've got appointment for counselling, so hope that helps.

I'm still in contact with him, and he is having DS tomorrow so hope that he sticks with arrangement.

Today, he got text from someone saying that i'd been seen with another man!I saw the text but he won't say who sent it. What makes me laugh, is where and how i am supposed to meet other men in my situation! And I'm angry that i can prove where I was and not lying whereas he blatantly lies and there is evidence to confirm it and he's admitted it, yet still denies he's lied about anything!!

Anyway, I'm moving on and thats all that counts. Glad that i feel angry rather than sad these days.

I am working on the other things that have been suggested too. I can't tell you how coming onto here has helped me to stay focused so please carry on replying.

It will take a long time to get over this but hopefully one day i will look back and see that i got out before any more damage was caused.

It's still not over, but my state of mind is totally different to a couple of weeks ago.

That text of his is pretty childish, and there's no need to do anything other than laugh at him for it. Just forget about getting any admissions out of him. You know the truth and so does he. In your case, the truth will set you free, whereas in his it will mock him every time he looks in the mirror, whether he cares to admit it or not.

Anger is a fabulous fuel.

just laugh at the text, At least he is already thinking that you will be able to get another man.

You know the truth and can hold your head high- be strong

text you are seeing another man ? A set-up

what a load of shit

treat that with the contempt is deserves and completely ignore it, do not get reeled in

think of it like this...in the not-too-distant future, you will be seeing a new man

and he will be a 1000% better than this one

I think you are dating my ex! I supported his other girlfriend secret foreign holidays and speed habit business for months with savings I never saw again. He started off telling me silly little lies which then grew into effing great huge ones. I lost my dignity, self-esteem and trust in/respect for men. But if I'd only taken more notice of the little lies at the beginning I'd have saved myself a lot of trouble. "My phone was off" "I left the phone in the car" etc are such easy ones to get away with.

Also remember that people with nothing to hide don't get moody when you ask them perfectly simple questions like "where were you working today."

If you've lent him a lot of money and want it back, get advice through CAB or solicitor; if it's at all possible that you can formalise what he owes, what he needs to pay back and when by means of a legally valid arrangement then this prob needs to be set up BEFORE you split up with him. Understand this might be difficult but I'm concerned how you're protecting yourself financially if you're both lending to him and borrowing on his behalf too? Make sure you are playing things savvy it sounds like you might need to with this one if you are to get back what you're owed

On the other hand if you can stand to lose what you've loaned/given him already you are best getting rid now, it is clear he is lying about something and whether it's another girlfriend, gambling habit, prostitutes, drink or something we haven't thought of yet, whatever, it won't be good. The danger to you emotionally is perhaps even greater than the financial threat.

Hugs and solidarity! x x

Thanks all again for replies.

Bit wary about posting as still not sure if being monitored! I installed computer program to see if being spied on and many things came up but have to pay to remove the spyware and also managed to mess up the computer so have deleted it.

Things amicable between us and he's sticking to arrangement with DS. I'm hoping it will stay this way. He's being very nice to me recently, in fact since split up could'nt be nicer! BUT.. I have no trust towards him anymore and as someone mentioned re me meeting other man (haha)I think it's another game. A way of saying that he dumped me because of my behaviour rather than he's been dumped 3 times now which doesn't look too good for him. I suspect it was sent by the female friend as he refuses to tell me who sent the text. But by the context of the text I'm pretty sure it's her.

The other day said he loves me! This is after another argument. Very strange for him. Specially considering I was never more than a friend to him and after all this shit recently and all the terrible stuff I've 'levelled' at him, the last thing you'd expect is for him to fall in love with me! Obviously, being decent, caring, loving and supportive to him over the last few years was the wrong approach!

Tamz, maybe he is your ex! Obviously there are quite a few of them around. How did you manage to get out of the relationship with your sanity intact? And did you manage to get your money back?

Thanks again for all the support.

Hi Dittany,

The thought did cross my mind that he might have made it up himself. But I think he's probably too lazy to do such a thing and he indicated that it was sent by someone who obviously fancies him and is trying to get me out of the picture. I said it's not a problem as i am not in the picture anymore!

He's got DS again tonight so that seems to be working ok. I do feel a lot better as I just feel so much better not having to be involved in the lies. That's what was doing my head in. I hate affairs, cheating of any type and even if it's just a friend, the fact is he lied and has lied about many things. It's just this time I well and truly caught him out by seeing and showing him the evidence. So to me that is a betrayal.

I have always said to him that if he doesn't want to be with me, then to be honest about it so that we can both get on with our lives. At least I know where I am then and not sitting at home waiting to know if I am wanted or not that day!

As for the other stuff, I have managed to sort some things with him as I said I'd rather not have to go to solicitors etc so we will see.

He's being decent with me and even cooked me meal last night but it's still over between us and I can never trust him again. The whole relationship has been a lie so no chance of ever going back.Hopefully, for DS's sake we can be friends.

Mentally, I am much better than I thought I'd be and I know that has a lot to do with what everyone has said on this site. It just made me see I was not being unreasonable and paranoid for no good reason.

Thanks again.

Namechange might be coming sooner than I thought!

"Hopefully, for DS's sake we can be friends."

Be careful what you wish for. I would be hoping for him to respect you and stop throwing words like 'love' around to see if anything has an effect, and pay you back the money he owes you.

he wants it to stay friendly, of course he does

he is not a friend to you

tell him to fuck off with his words of "love", what utter bullshit

when he has apologised for his cheating, his lies and his utter contempt of you, and of course, paid you back every penny of your money and support.....only then can you be friends

I fear he is still controlling you, your actions and thoughts are not of someone who has properly had the scales fall from her eyes

come on now, sort this out properly

if you can't do that, being friends should not be on your agenda

are you afraid that if you start talking reality to him, he will disappear without a second thought for you and your son ? What are you hanging on for ?

that is what I think

Hi. Thanks for replies.

Scaryfucker, thanks for your thoughts. You are very right. I think for me I would like him to be part of DS's life and as that means he will be around for the next 16 years, I want it to be as friendly as possible. He has agreed to pay towards him and the next step is getting my money back. He still insists he hasn't cheated on me but as I said , lying is betrayal.

I am very wary of him and don't take seriously his comments of love. I think too that he's trying to get round me. But I feel differently this time and am more cautious and wary.

The trouble with me is I always forgive too easily but this time I am not taken in. But at the same time I just don't want too much stress in my life. I just want to take things slowly and see if my issues are resolved eg the money and my contribution to the business.

Dittany and Math, he is being more respectful but I still feel suspicious. I am playing it by ear, and as I said I will see if things are sorted properly. If he does grow up and is honourable about what he owes me (not just money) then I'm ok with that. And I can be civil with him.

For me it's over with him no matter what as far as relationship goes but I want to sort the problems out as amicably as possible. I've told him that I'd rather do it that way than involve solicitors so it's in his interest to resolve things quickly.

I really do appreciate all your honest opinions and I know I should be tougher so thanks for your support.

good luck with it

I have serious doubts he will take an honourable route, going off his past behaviour, but I suppose you know him best

I have a feeling he will "keep the little lady sweet" and do fuck-all wrt your money and extricating you from debts in the business

lots of strength to you

Scary and dittany I think you are both right re charm offensive and keeping me sweet but I have a time limit set and if it goes beyond that then I will go down legal route.

I have already started to get money for DS so early days but we will see if that continues. Also, am dealing with debts so again we will see.

I just feel differently this time and I'm not mentally in the same place I was a couple of weeks ago when I first posted.

Again, I really do appreciate the honest opinions you give and it keeps me on my toes getting your thoughts on the matter.

I don't really believe he will be honourable but I will give him the opportunity to make amends this time. It's in his interest to do so.

As I said though, as far as relationship goes there's no going back.

Thanks again for reading my ramblings!

I'm still that he seriously has suggested that you've misinterpreted the relationship and that he's just been "good friends" with you.

aww, good luck

< gives manly squeeze >