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Original poster

MIL wants us to sleep in separate beds in her house

358 replies

aurynne · 20/09/2009 11:17

Hi there, here goes another MIL thread ;)

My partner's mom is actually a lovely person and she and I get along very well. But there always had to be a "but", doesn't it? When we go to stay with them in their house, my partner and I have to sleep in separate beds! My partner and I are in out thirties and have been together just for 7 months, but for goodness sake, we sleep together every day!

I know that in your house, you set your own rules, however absurd they are. So, last weekend we stayed there I suggested my partner that we could sleep in a hotel instead, and go see his parents in the morning. He replied that "his parents would be very hurt if we did that" (!!!).

So, apparently the rule is not only that when we sleep at their house we do it in separate beds, but actually that we MUST sleep in their house! Is this common behaviour in MILs?

It doesn't bother me that much when it is only a weekend, but we are planning to spend Christmas there and I definitely don't want to sleep in separate beds from my partner for two weeks. And I am not 16, ffs!!!

Any of you has this same problem? Has anybody fund a magic solution that will not offend anyone? Is my MIL's behaviour reasonable?

Thanks in advance for your replies!

Aurynne

OP posts:
MrsMerryHenry · 21/09/2009 21:15

Wow, this thread has changed.

herbgarden · 21/09/2009 21:15

My DH and I were together for 8 years before we got married in our mid-30's.

MIL conceded that we could sleep in the same room in twin beds but not in the double bed in my sil's room. I'm still miffed why they think that you'd remotely want to have sex with them next door but there's another story..

Once we married and the first time we went back to mil's for the night after that she had closed the door to the twin room and put a sign up on the door with an arrow saying "honeymoon suite this way" leading to my sil's room with the double bed.

I was soooo embarassed and actually pissed off - sil's old bed is a small double and bloody uncomfortable and I asked mil if we could sleep in the twins. She was clearly mortified but part of me didn't want her validating me sleeping together with my DH under her roof either - I felt like a little kid. My parents are pretty liberal and it was never an issue.

Hard though OP - but I wouldn't want to sleep in separate bedrooms for two weeks - is it a religious thing ? (sorry haven't read the whole thread)

herbgarden · 21/09/2009 21:18

me too mrsmerryhenry !!! I feel like I've just walked into a war zone.....

oneopinionatedmother · 21/09/2009 21:20

erm i think the whole expecting people to sleep in separate bedrooms thing is a way of impinging on their DCs privacy - that is messing in their affairs.

it is fair enough to do the 'my house my rules thing' only if you accept they may then decide to stay elsewhere.

which is the problem here...

i sure as hell wouldn't have stayed a full 2 weeks in separate bedrooms at any time in any relationship. It is controlling on her part.

definitely let your OH handle things though. contacting direct ..a bit iffy, even though it sounds like it was phrased in a 'what we should book' style.

i think it is very old-fashioned indeed and more the kind of problem found by my parents generation.

HollyGoHeavily · 21/09/2009 21:20

Yeah Aurynne go and get that sack cloth and ashes on immediately. How dare you be flippant in the face of all this moral outrage. How dare you call him a DP - don't you know that a relationship is meaningless unless it has been going on for 10 years and you have married and had 2 children.

FWIW, you sound relatively sane to me. This doesn't have to be a huge issue. You are dealing with it, have proposed an alternative arrangement which will adhere to the values his mother is imposing on you and still enable you and your DP to have a holiday where you can have sex. It will be interesting to see your DP and his mothers response.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 21:21

I wouldn't stay with my ILs for 2 weeks no matter what!

MrsMerryHenry · 21/09/2009 21:23

One thing's come to mind, Aurynne - I would have alarm bells ringing about the fact that your DP is so unwilling to challenge his mother about this. I bet you'll find the same thing happens later down the line with some other issue. During your Xmas stay, remain observant and see whether you think there might be dominant mother/ submissive son issues going on. It's a wee bit OTT based on what you've said, but just keep an open mind about it. If you decide that is what's happening, SCRAM!

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 21:26

No one's being moral. The guy's married to someone else. She's only been going out with him for 7 months.

It's early days.

MaggieBeauLeo · 21/09/2009 21:29

like overmydeadbody says. prepare to have a big row, followed by a sort of making it up, followed by being dumped. (if this problem is real).

I smell a journalist scratching her head for ideas.

HollyGoHeavily · 21/09/2009 21:30

No one's being moral!!!!!

I can only assume we have been reading different threads then...

oneopinionatedmother · 21/09/2009 21:31

erm, but his marriage is totally over, du to the ex-w sleeping with other men...the OP is not in the character of home wreker on this one.

Rindercella · 21/09/2009 21:39

It is early days in the OP's relationship. Although she has been asked several times, aurynne has yet to answer whether or not she and her boyfriend are living together - I would hazard a guess that they are not. There is a long way to go in this relationship for them to be 'partners'...stuff like sharing bills, household chores, the mundane crappy stuff that comes with living together.

Whatever you like to think, that does make a difference - the balance shifts the longer you are with someone. 7 months is incredibly early and far too soon to be suggesting alternatives to the bf's mother. It is his responsibility to do that (although he doesn't seem willing or able to).

Aurynne is either incredibly thick skinned or blinkered to have read all the 'nutter' comments without retorting to them.

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 21/09/2009 21:42

Jeez, purplepeony, do you think maybe you're being just a tiny bit harsh there? There seems to be a fair diversity of opinion on the thread.

Suggesting a compromise of a few nights at theirs and a few nights in a hotel doesn't exactly sound all that radical.
And, not meaning to racially stereotype or anything, but the lady is from NZ, and they're a bit more upfront about this sort of thing. Well, about everything, really.

2rebecca · 21/09/2009 21:43

She said they had slept together every night for 7 months, that sounded like living together to me

Rindercella · 21/09/2009 21:44

So they were living together from day 1 in their relationship then? Possible, but hardly probable.

2rebecca · 21/09/2009 21:51

I presumed the "been together" referred to living together when she then said we sleep together every day.
If they've only been living together a few weeks it seems odd to be spending a fortnight with someone else's parents. They either view you as part of the family or they don't.
If I invited my kid's partner to my house for 2 weeks (which is longer than I've ever spent at any relative's house for over 20 years) then I would be regarding them as family.
If they came to my current house they couldn't have a double bed anyway because there isn't a spare one, on the other hand if they chose to stay in a double room at a b&b I don't get why any sane adult would be "offended" by that. That's the odd controlling thing here.

pooexplosions · 21/09/2009 21:54

"I am amazed by the number of 'her house, her rules' replies on this thread. Why should a mother be able to control the actions and decisions of her adult son? Regardless of whether the issue is sex or past marriage or anything else, as long as he's not harming her home in any way I believe it's the responsibility of every parent to know when to let go and let our children be the people they want to be."

Ah come on! Its her bloody house! She can tell the Pope to take his shoes off if she wants. Doesn't mean she is controlling what her adult son does, only that she is controlling what goes on in her own home, which she has every right to do. Maybe she's religious, maybe she is controlling, maybe she is downright bonkers, but in her own house she can lay down whatever rules she likes.
Potential guests can, in turn, refuse her hospitality for any reason. Sounds more like her adult son should grow a spine and stand up to his mother if he has a problem with it. But its his new GF that has the problem, not him.

charitygirl · 21/09/2009 21:56

Puke-a-rama at all the 'you're so immature' posts. I think anyone who can suck up all the abuse on this thread and not respond in kind is a lot more mature than the rest of you.

Your email sounds fine OP. All this shock and horror at being honest (but polite) from people who have no problem flinging insults around on here is just bizarre.

Although I fear your DP is a bit spineless.

QuintessentialShadow · 21/09/2009 22:04

oh .

I was gonna post and say that pressing on to have sex (call it cuddles, or whatever) under your partners mums roof, would make it appear as if SEX with your boyfriend is more important than the relationship with his family.

You have just shown them all that this is in fact the case. You have shown very little respect for his family, even to the point of trying to dictate the terms of your stay, to your new boyfriends mum.

Blimey.

Nobody can be this thick. So this must be a windup.

MrsMerryHenry · 21/09/2009 22:21

Poo explosions: "Sounds more like her adult son should grow a spine and stand up to his mother if he has a problem with it." Exactly. Which is why it sounds like she could be an over-controlling mother - so we're essentially saying the same thing.

For goodness' sake, why should control freakery take precedence over from making people feel welcome in your home? I bet she wouldn't do the same if it were two non-family members coming to stay, but clearly she thinks she can impose her iron will on her son - and he clearly thinks she can, too!

purplepeony · 21/09/2009 22:27

I think anyone who can suck up all the abuse on this thread and not respond in kind is a lot more mature than the rest of you.

Hmmm. Mature- or just with a hide like a rhinoserous?

2rebecca · 21/09/2009 22:33

I would agree she should just have single beds if they were just going for a couple of days, but 2 weeks ie 1/26th of a year is quite a long time to go without sex just because someone's mum says you shouldn't sleep together and can't stay anywhere else except her house.
Personally I just wouldn't go for that long and would say "fine you stay with them for 2/52 if you wish, I'll just come for 2 or 3 days and find something else to do for the rest of the time, even if it's in another country.
I'm quite independant and happy backpacking around on my own though, mind you most Kiwis seem to be as well.

oneopinionatedmother · 21/09/2009 22:36

i was a bit at the 'immature' comment, cos i think it is fair dos, to say well, i don't like that arrangement, lets stay in a hotel and still visit -

it is the MIL that is being a bit immature - putting them in an awkward position for fear of 'hurting her feelngs'

and i do think separate beds is an unusual request (though not unheard of)...

in a way, if you don't want to pry into your kids sex lives, the best way would be not fuss over the sleeping arrangement.

MrsMerryHenry · 21/09/2009 22:36

I'd forgotten the OP had said the mother would 'get upset' if they didn't do exactly as she asked. She is definitely a control-freak, no two ways about it.

pooexplosions · 21/09/2009 23:08

I think similar point, different angle, Mrs M-H. My POV is that for all intents and purposes, it doesn't matter what she is, or her motives. 2 reasons being that the OP's problem is her DP, not his ma, and I really do believe that the woman has the right to set the rules in her own house, whatever they are. I certainly do and I intend to when my DC's are adults too, in whatever way I see fit....

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