MIL wants us to sleep in separate beds in her house

[aurynne]

Hi there, here goes another MIL thread ;)

My partner's mom is actually a lovely person and she and I get along very well. But there always had to be a "but", doesn't it? When we go to stay with them in their house, my partner and I have to sleep in separate beds! My partner and I are in out thirties and have been together just for 7 months, but for goodness sake, we sleep together every day!

I know that in your house, you set your own rules, however absurd they are. So, last weekend we stayed there I suggested my partner that we could sleep in a hotel instead, and go see his parents in the morning. He replied that "his parents would be very hurt if we did that" (!!!).

So, apparently the rule is not only that when we sleep at their house we do it in separate beds, but actually that we MUST sleep in their house! Is this common behaviour in MILs?

It doesn't bother me that much when it is only a weekend, but we are planning to spend Christmas there and I definitely don't want to sleep in separate beds from my partner for two weeks. And I am not 16, ffs!!!

Any of you has this same problem? Has anybody fund a magic solution that will not offend anyone? Is my MIL's behaviour reasonable?

Thanks in advance for your replies!

Aurynne

H all,

It beggars belief some of the posts in this thread. I am lucky to be thick-skinned...

To the post that said that I should "apologise for being a twat"... honestly lady... get a life :P

To the ones that say I am immature... well, if being open and honest about an issue, and considering that a cuddle and a hug with my partner, who I am deeply in love with, is important to me, equals being immature, then I honestly hope I can keep disappointing you and being a happy immature woman for the rest of my life!

I haven't got a reply from my partner's mom yet (not surprising, as she uses the e-mail once every 2-3 days), but I wrote an e-mail to my partner explaining what I had done, and attaching the message I sent to her mum. I also told him about the humongous fuss that some people have made about this issue... I had started to get worried!

My partner's answer? He thinks my message to his mom is the sweetest most honest letter she will ever receive, he is sure she won't have a problem with it... and after saying that, he dismissed the issue and went on to tell me about his day.

Oh, by the way... I haven't rushed to answer everyone's post because I do have a life outside of MN... just back from work. And also because many of the posts do not deserve an answer, or even to be read.

To the ones that have shown genuine interest and respect: my partner does not have kids from his previous marriage (that makes things easier), and we have just bought a house together. Until now I was staying at his for most nights, although I kept my rental.

And yes, we all are in New Zealand, his folks live relatively far away (4 hours by car). And it seems to me that in NZ people are more open that wherever you ladies come from. I told two of my kiwi colleagues at work about this today, I even printed a copy of the e-mail to them, and we all laughed about it together. In their words: "You are charmingly honest!", and "There is no way anyone could get offended with such a nice e-mail, I hope my daughter in law and I had such a relationship".

And to the person who seems to think sending hugs and signing my e-mails is a terrible problem... lady, get a perspective on life.

Hugs to all,

Aurynne

Trip trap.

Aurynne,
You came on here asking for opinions. SOme were supportive. Others (much) less so.

I have to say sending the email made me especially as you hadn't forewarned your DP. But if you have shown it to him and he thinks its sweet, well, fair play to you. As you asked for our thoughts at the start why not post it up for us to have a read. I am intrigued now as to how you have approached it with her. Maybe you do have different ways in NZ of doing stuff. But I am even more intrigued as to how she will reply.

I do hope it all works out for you.

Hi ladyhelen,

I have no problem with all kinds of opinions, as long as they are respectful... calling someone a twat, hoping that the relationship is over (how twisted is that???) and demanding that I reply to personal questions 5 minutes after they are posted... well, those are not opinions, and they speak heaps about the person who posted them, not about me.

The e-mail I sent to my mom's partner (I am really containing myself not to call her MIL just to spite some of the psychos in here ;P) is a bit too personal to post it here, I wouldn't feel comfortable about it. But I am very tempted to, it seems some people here could benefit from learning about openness and honesty. It is somehow funny to read MN posts written by some of these very ladies talking about much more serious problems in their own lives, many times due to complete lack of honesty and communication... and then trying (and failing miserably) to put me down because I was upfront. Perhaps many of your own problems with your in-laws wouldn't have got that far if you had been honest with them from the beginning and treated them as human beings, not only as "my-DH's-mum-who-has-to-be-feared"?

Thanks for your good wishes . I don't know what my partner's mum will reply, but I am in no way fearful of it.

Hugs,

Aurynne

I still think you totally miss the points- made by all most everyone.
It has moved beyond the issue of whether tou were right to question his parent's views- and this is now all about you wanting your own way, to the extent that you emailed his mum.

You seem incredibly lacking in sensitivity to any one else's feelings- except your own.

Just for the record- my DH'd parents were happy for us to room/bed share when he tool me there as his girlfriend during the early days of his relationship. But they had a big house, and they gave us the choice of to share a room or not.

On the other hand, my parents did not allow us to share a room in their house 3 years later, a few weeks before our wedding when we were living together.

Many years down the line, his parents were offended when we stayed in a hotel near them rather than stay with them, due to lack of space at theirs- we had 2 DCs by then. My parents would have fully understood and even encouraged us to do so, if we wanted to.

so- there's no accounting for folks!

What comes over in your posts Aurynne, is that you seem determined to have your own way. You seem pushy and self-centred. It is really your guy's place topush for these arrangements, not yours.

As everyone else has said- 2 weeks with his folks is a long time- both our parents ive 4-5 hours' drive away and the most we ever visit for is 3-4 nights.

But if you were really mature you would not be making such a fuss about having to sleep separately for a couple of weeks. and you would not be embarrassing his mother by challenging her thinking and morality. She's entitled to do what she wants in her own house, and you should have the courtesy to accept that.

Maybe everyone could make a better judgement if you post your email for all to see?

Oh, just in case: when I said "many of your own problems with your in-laws" I was referring to the disrespectful posters, not to you!

disresepctful- oh Aurynne-pots and kettles- do you use that term in NZ!

You are absurd.

purplepeony, you are the one who seems stuck in the idea that I am trying to challenge my MIL... when I am just letting her into the discussion and offering alternative arrangements that could be good for both of us. I am never fearful of bringing up a subject with whoever I have an issue with, why should I be? As I have said from the beginning, my MIL and I get along really well! (and I expect that to continue after my e-mail).

But worry not, if her reply is a furious or embarrased one, I will also tell. I am not going to post that e-mail though, it is a personal message to her. I can show it to a friend, but showing it to the whole world in the internet is a step too far.

Hugs,

Aurynne

""I am never fearful of bringing up a subject""

you sure aren't! Even if it means hurting the other person's feelings.

and she is not your MIL.

Don't pick me out Aurynne-plenty of others have said the same or more-it just happens I am wiling away some time on the pc whilst waiting for something else this morning...

it's totally pointless saying ay more to you as you just don't listen. Go your own sweet way .

Hey aurynne, agreed, its not nice for you to have been called a twat, but this is AIBU and sometimes things do get heated on here. As for my own IL's, I've never felt able to raise any of my issues with them face to face. Thats due to them just not being the kind of people that I could do that with and also because they are DH's parents, and not mine

They do things that make me frustrated beyond belief, but as we don't see them that often I do my eye rolling and suck it up now. Its just not worth it. Fortunately compared to some of the IL stories on here, mine are annoying and frustrating rather than nasty and vindictive. If there is a real problem, I have to raise it with DH first to see if a) he agrees and b) if he could speak to them about it. Going back to what your issue was originally, he wouldn't deal with our similar problem. I was pretty hacked off with him at the time about it, but I posted about how I got my own back in the end! I had to wait a few years for that opportunity though. One of my issues (FIL calling me mum like I lost my name the minute I gave birth) DH also dealt with. My feeling is that as they are his parents, he should be on board with sorting whatever it is out. I do think maybe this would have been the way for you to deal with your problem, but thats just my opinion.

Just realised that this isn't AIBU, is it??? So, I think you may have been jumped all over unnecessarily. So I am glad you have a thick skin!

Why is it that people who claim that their 'honesty' and 'openess' are their most beautiful characters traits always leave me cold?

Putting honesty and openess above all propriety, sensibility and kindness is not laudable. 'Honesty' in this context is not the opposite of 'lying'; it is equal to railroading someone.

It is not a 'religious' or 'generational' issue. It is common sense and she sounds like a very sensible person.

It is notable that 'honest' people always seem to find it easy to be 'open' and 'sweet' (blech) on an email...one of the most passive aggressive forms of communication available. Could you have been so 'honest' on the phone, where she would have had the chance to 'communicate' with you there and then?

Hey ladyhelen,

This is not AIBU... this is "relationships"... unless someone has moved my post!

You sound like a lovely person . I do have a different way to deal with problems, and I do like to raise issues. And yes, as purplepeony has made a point of saying, sometimes I do raise issues even if I risk hurting someone's feelings, because I believe if they are not raised, in the future the feelings will suffer much more. I make no apology for the way I am, I actually like myself and I am a very happy person, surrounded by people who know that they can trust me to tell them the truth, even if it hurts. If the way I am makes me happy, why should I change just because other people seem to have an issue with it (especially people who don't even know me!)?

I particularly dislike unspoken issues. I couldn't deal with you IL's problems as you do, it would drive me mad! I will consult with my partner issues related to his family, of course, but I don't feel I need his permission to bring up a subject with my MIL or FIL, or SIL or whichever "IL" comes up... they are all grown-ups, very reasonable people too, and they are happy to be treated as human beings. My MIL is not "my partner's mom" exclusively... she is a person first. So far it's worked very well. And at the very least it prevents small problems to become mountains after years of not being dealt with.

Hugs,

Aurynne

Greatg- great post.

One person's honesty is another's person's pain. Honesty is another word for saying and doing whatever I want, so f..k off if you don't like it.

Greatgoing... yes, I am always "sweet" and "honest" to her on the phone, and if I didn't raise this issue on the line was precisely because it could be delicate and she would probably like to think about her answer instead of being "pushed" to reply in the moment.

And openness and honesty are not my very best characters traits... cheekiness is also there... and above all, modesty, of course! ;P

purplepeony, you are very free to choose to be surrounded by not-so-honest people if that makes you feel better. I will stay with my terribly blunt, politically incorrect and insensitive friends that make my life incredibly happy and a lot of fun!

Love, hugs and kisses (I know you love this),

Aurynne

Aurynne- I prefer my friends to be honest but sensitive- it is a possible combination.

The point surely, is that this man's mum ( you will insist on calling her your MIL, BTW) is not your friend- she is an older woman with her own views.

You seem to have failed miserably in accepting that anything you might have said or done could hurt or offend her in some way.

Proclaiming "honesty" is not a get-out for hurting someone's feelings.

Funny how after all these posts, from lots of different people, you still cannot, it appears, for one minute, start to think that you might have been a teeny bit out or order.

Goodness me - poor op. I posted yesterday saying I hate this "her house her rules" business - It's bizarre and controlling. We're talking about 30 year olds (I'm guessing) not 16 year olds!

The end of the op's partner's relationship is irrelevant.

I hope it all works out well for you. I certainly hope my sons don't end up with some of these posters as their mils!!

I wonder why you think your boyfriends Mumshould change her mind because you have emailed her?

She has set out her position.

If she does change her mind then she willprobably feel uncomfortable for the whole of your stay.

I can´t helpthinking the problem might be more in your boyfriend not wanting to stay in a hotel.

If you stay in a hotel he upsets his mum.
If you stay at his mums it upsets you.

seems tome you have turned in into a competition.

You should give in gracefully and shorten the stay at his mums house, IMO.

I have to say that looking at Aurynne's replies to many reasonable and unreasonable posts, I'm confident she did wrote a nice email and that she is pretty much a grown up woman able to handle her communications in a more than acceptable way.

Actually, even when I wouldn't have send the email, I'm starting to take her side wholeheartedly as some of the posts here are remarkably offensive, narrow minded and totally irrelevant to the situation the OP is in.

Well said orangefish!

I have considered that possibility, that's why I am waiting for her reply... surely I can't assume she's been hurt if she does not tell me. But I do have my partner's opinion, and two of my work colleagues' (both married women with children and in-laws), assuring me that the e-mail is sensitive and actually very nice. Those three opinions, of people that actually know me, and one that knows her very well, have much more weight than the opinions that come from strangers who just know a small part of the story.

And if I have indeed hurt her feelings, I won't need anyone to tell me to apologize immediately, as I would do with anyone else.

In the end of the day I tend to follow my conscience, and this time it is telling me I did nothing wrong.

Hugs,

Aurynne

Then why are you posting to strangers?

diddl, my message to my MIL is mainly to ask her if she would be upset if we stay in a hotel and stay with her for 2 or 3 days, not to make her change her mind about sleeping together in her house... if my memory doesn't fail me, it was ME who first said: "her house, her rules" in my original post. My partner thought she would be, but I prefer to ask her directly. It seems that asking her directly is the main point that drives many of the posters to say I am immature and insensitive. I disagree. For me it is just a question, not a challenge.

You don't need to justify yourself any longer Aurynne, we have not seen your email, we don't know how your relationship with your man and his mother is, and certainly it is none of our business to know if you are entitled to a double bed after being in a relation for seven month as some people are still holding hands and pretending nothing has happened in the sex department after that time, while others are already in very commited relationships by then.

As for the hugs... well hugs taken. It is refreshing to see some people doing that from time to time. :-)