I was the OW. I now think that I should tell his wife what went on...

[Antipova]

I know I don't come out of this looking good, but would really appreciate some advice please...

Several years ago I had an affair with a MM which lasted for two years. During that time his wife gave birth to their little boy. No excuses, I knew he was married before the affair began. For what it's worth, I regret it deeply. I'm appalled with myself even typing the details here.

I ended it as I couldn't cope with the situation. I think he was just pleased he got off with it scot free (while of course still claiming that i was the love of his life - i think not)

I was luckier than I deserved and eventually met and married a great (single) bloke and he knows all about the past. I really thought i'd put it all behind me years ago except that recently one of my friend's husbands had an affair. She found out and kicked him out. She says that while it's really hard for her and her little girl, she's ultimately glad she knew the truth.

As you can imagine it's been the main topic of conversation amongst our friends and in my head I can't stop relating it back to my own OW situation. I have beome obsessed by the idea that MM's wife should know that he was unfaithful. I realise i'm making an assumption that she doesn't know already, but everything i know about the situation makes me sure she doesn't - he is a manipulative and very clever liar. The affair was a lot 'worse' than occassional shagging in hotels or whatever people tend to think of when they think of infidelity. I also know I wasn't the first OW, no particular reason to believe I was the last.

99% of me thinks that this is an insane idea and that even if she did want to know the last person she'd want to hear it from is me, especially after all this time, not to mention all the havoc i'm potentially dragging into mine and DH's life. But then a part of me thinks that if it were me, I'd want to know, regardless, like my friend. But then i don't have kids to consider, which must put such a different slant on everything. Is this insane?

Alypaly: I'm not condeming your choice. You know yourself and your relationship and the circumstances. What I am saying is that the choice you made isn't necessarily the best choice for everyone else in similar circumstances to make, and no choice in these circumstances is actually morally superior to another (well, choosing to resort to violence and criminal damage by way of vengeance is of course, utterly morally inferior) - some people will feel they can grow stronger/move on as a couple. others feel they could't forget. still others feel that actually it has been an indication that the original couple-relationship simply wasn't all that good and better to put a stop to it.

very valid points SGB

we are stronger as friends now and both our respective partners know we see each other and that we do still have a family unit to keep on an even keel. We have managed to do that and to keep 2 very well balanced boys , so we have still achieved alot despite being apart...

gosh this thread has changed since the OP...

Anauntie: what are the stats on women who cheat? I would imagine there isn't that much difference.

This site gives a lot of stats. I don't know how accurate they are but they seem quite interesting.

It seems 22% of married men have cheated against 14% of married women. I guess if those are true, then they have been gathered from people who have admitted it?

I just want to make the point that thinking the OP shouldn't tell, is not the same as thinking ignorance is better than knowledge.

There is no contradiction between thinking that if you were the wife, you would want to know, and thinking that the OP shouldn't tell her.

This thread is about the OP, not the wife.

In certain companies I've worked for, pretty much all the married men were having affairs - maybe 80%?

I would imagine the figures are probably far, far higher than those I see cited.

Ah squezzy that site gives a variety of stas varying from 22-85%

I think it's only natural that as this subject has cropped up in your circle it's on your mind now.

Obviously say nothing, but if you hear that they are getting divorced, would it help her to be able to divorce him FOR adultery. ?

So does that also mean 80% of the women were too MP? Or were the men all having affairs with the same few women?

Men are much morte likley to brag about cheating, women the opposite - hence the odd disparity of numbers between sexes.

But again, just to look at this another way, the men who are having affairs are ripping off the partners of the women more than they are their own female partners. As a woman, you will never find yourself in the situation where you will doubt whether one of your kids is actually your own, and if some bloke has planted a cuckoo in your nest.

This plus the fact that a man who is less likley to put time in at home, is more likely to be a cuckold himself. The adage is true - what goes around comes around.

I don't think you should do anything but I do think you need to examine your motives more carefully than you seem to have done so far.

Do you want openness and honesty
If you do want openness and honesty, do you have the right to impose this on other people (who may not feel the same)
Do you want to punish him? Just a little bit?

Stats are scary. But they always are. The odds are that your DH will cheat on you at least once! Based on statistics on male infidelity that i have seen. That doesn't mean they ALL will. There's probably many serial offenders that skew the numbers.

And the girls aren't innocent either! As a poster said earlier, they can surely only get numbers from people prepared to admit it. So the actual percentages must be higher!

Having just gone thru the whole thread, and glad to see that OP has said she won't press ahead with her idea of telling the wife. Good.

What, however, has been bothering me ALL day tho is reading OP where it says 99% of her thinks that she ought not to say anything... OK so for 1% of doubt, you have gone to all this trouble???

She knew he was married b4 she got involved, it went on for 2yrs, thru the birth of a child etc etc, and then she ended it cos she 'couldn't cope with the situation'. She reiterates he told her that she was the love of his life, albeit seemingly dismissing it with an 'I think not'

Add this to the additional tidbit of telling all and sundry that this was much 'worse' than the occasional shag here and there.

Sorry but to me, for 1% of doubt over what to do, she seems to be grandstanding and almost showing OFF! This is all about HER, IMO.. Her friends situation has made her realise that she's not the naughtiest girl on the block anymore???

I've had MM come on to me, some seriously, but never, ever have i even thought about it, it's just so wrong on every level.

I know everyone says that it's the MMs responsibility to his wife, family etc, and the OW has none of that, but surely we as women have our self respect and our dignity. If nothing else, to stop and think what if I were the wife... would I think this is a good idea?

Men rarely think with the stuff God gave them between the ears, more often are just hormones and egos raging. women are usually cooler and more sensitive.

We often have a stronger sense of what's right and wrong. After all,most of our attraction, sexual arousal comes from our brain, not our loins.

There is no such thing as an affair that just happened. At every stage one of the party can check themselves and think about it. If OP knew about it before getting her 'feet' wet, then going ahead with it inspite of that is callous, cold and calculating.

The H is the one that lets the family down, but the OW has at least an equal part to play, and perhaps a greater chance to make sure it never goes there in the first place, especially if she knows he is already married.

Being an OW is not something to be proud of, to show off about or boast about, but I'm sorry, that's what I get from her OP.

Yes Porto. In fact most women have far more sex than most men - men just think about it more often.