I was the OW. I now think that I should tell his wife what went on...

[Antipova]

I know I don't come out of this looking good, but would really appreciate some advice please...

Several years ago I had an affair with a MM which lasted for two years. During that time his wife gave birth to their little boy. No excuses, I knew he was married before the affair began. For what it's worth, I regret it deeply. I'm appalled with myself even typing the details here.

I ended it as I couldn't cope with the situation. I think he was just pleased he got off with it scot free (while of course still claiming that i was the love of his life - i think not)

I was luckier than I deserved and eventually met and married a great (single) bloke and he knows all about the past. I really thought i'd put it all behind me years ago except that recently one of my friend's husbands had an affair. She found out and kicked him out. She says that while it's really hard for her and her little girl, she's ultimately glad she knew the truth.

As you can imagine it's been the main topic of conversation amongst our friends and in my head I can't stop relating it back to my own OW situation. I have beome obsessed by the idea that MM's wife should know that he was unfaithful. I realise i'm making an assumption that she doesn't know already, but everything i know about the situation makes me sure she doesn't - he is a manipulative and very clever liar. The affair was a lot 'worse' than occassional shagging in hotels or whatever people tend to think of when they think of infidelity. I also know I wasn't the first OW, no particular reason to believe I was the last.

99% of me thinks that this is an insane idea and that even if she did want to know the last person she'd want to hear it from is me, especially after all this time, not to mention all the havoc i'm potentially dragging into mine and DH's life. But then a part of me thinks that if it were me, I'd want to know, regardless, like my friend. But then i don't have kids to consider, which must put such a different slant on everything. Is this insane?

You don't know that the cancer is festering.

The couple may have got over it.

This is a thread about the OP's need to continue this relationship (or not), not the couple's marriage. That's a separate issue IMO.

I think if this woman approached you and was needing some closure that would be one thing but to give yourself the 'job' of informing her of something so huge is rather arrogant.You may have been a distraction from any number of things going on in their life at the time and they may have sorted it.Who's to say he didn;t come to his senses all on his own?Let sleeping dogs lie.You say you have a lovely dh so concentrate on him

Wow, why do people get so cross? These things happen allll the time and 'evil' is far too strong a word for consensual sex, even if it is on dubious moral ground. My husband slept around a bit but I can honestly say the problems were between me and him, I don't see how the other party was to blame for my failed marriage.

Maybe it's because my parents had loads of affairs that it just doesn't feel like a drama of biblical proportions when someone has sex with someone they are not married to.

(I have warmed to the OP because I think Dr Zhivago is such a romantic story!)

sorry maybe evil was a bit harsh but i was only writing what i thought. Some kind woman destroyed my relationship with my partner whilst i was pregnnat with DS1 and TBH it has ruined my life and my childrens since. we had a perfectly happy relationship until she tempted him away for a cheap thrill. Grass always greener and all that. I found out because he was careless and kicked him out even though i loved him sooo much. Funny thing is he never ended up with her and has never got married and now wants to come back...would i have him back... absolutely not... he has made his bed...so he can bloody lie in it.

Spidermama: 'getting things out in the open' is actually overrated for a lot of people. What you don't know about can't hurt you, or at least it can't necessarily hurt you as much as being forced by someone else's spite, officiousness or self-righteousness, to look at something you woul have preferred to ignore.
THe OP has no idea what has happened within her X's relationship since her affair with him ended. He may not be married to the same wife, of course, or he may have confessed all at the time and been forgiven. Or the wife may have known all along he wasn't the monogamous type and have decided that it didn't bother her (not everyone minds that much, after all); by making it public knowledge, the OP would be exposing the wife to all manner of well-meaning pressure to leave her marriage, pity and condescension.
The least unfortunate result of the OP making contact and opening her mouth would be the couple uniting against her and labelling her a bunny-boiling twat.

She should be leaving it well alone, and dealing with her own feelings.

FWIW, I was the OW in a relationship. She found out and he shut up shop on me. My own fault for getting involved, and he told me he loved me
I think about him often and the fun we used to have....but I wouldn't dare get back in touch with him!

A decebt counsellor would recommend you deal with your problems yourself and not pass them on to others in order for you to get your moment of cathasis. That is very selfish indeed.

spidermama - don't you think that the "successful" outcome to your DH's affair was a lot to do with the fact that he made the decision to come clean with you?

Don't you think that if the OW had turned up out of the blue and shopped him, your marriage might have had a very different outcome?

What I am saying is, by outing him like this, (assuming his wife doesn't already know) Antipova would be destroying any chance for him to do the right thing, and probably any chance for their marriage to survive as yours did. Whereas by leaving well alone she is leaving him the (admittedly small) chance of saving some vestige of his wife's respect.

100% agree with Spidermama.

If I were the wife, I would want to know. I would rather it come from the cheat himself BUT failing that, the truth coming from whatever source is better than being kept in the dark. I wouldn't want a marriage based on bullshit, thank you very much.

Put yourself in the wife's shoes, I think it is rather insane to say you would rather be kept in the dark.

SO you fucked her husband time and time again and now you decide that she ought to know what a shit he is, where did you catch some morals from love?

But SC, it is not a question of the wife being kept in the dark - we do not know if she is in the dark at all. She could well have found out or her H told her and could have gotten over it. Or she could have kicked him into touch. We do not know. The OP doesn't know.

The MM has the moral responsibility to his wife, not the OW.

A story from another side.

When I was married, I had an affair with a married man - we were both in the wrong but it felt safer somehow. My husband found out, forgave me and we moved on. Had another baby and then my husband was honest and said that he could actually never forgive me. He always blamed the other man but, in reality, it was me to blame - I was the one that cheated on him, not the other man. We are no longer together and I only have myself to blame for the break-up of my marriage.

The other man's wife never found out, to my knowledge. I have never thought about telling her - just because I lost my marriage over the affair, why on earth would I want to break theirs by telling her (if she didn't already know).

When my husband first left, about 2 years after the affair ended, I had the opportunity to go out with the other man, which I did. At that time, I felt I had nothing to lose as I had already lost my husband. When the end of the evening came and I took him home from the pub (I was driving as I felt more in control), he said I could turn left at a junction and take him home or I could turn right and we could either go back to my house (where we had never been together) or go to a hotel. I turned left and felt great for doing it. I know I was wrong in going out with him and I could have had the opportunity of re-starting the affair but I felt that just because I had lost my marriage I did not want him to be in the same situation.

He still works at the same company where I work and he is still married.

I would never ever think of telling his wife.

I look at him and do not feel bitter or resentful that he is still 'happily' married and I lost everything. I knew the risk I was taking when I had the affair.

Just because I lost everything doesn't give me the right for him and his wife to lose everything.

My husband said once that he felt like telling her but he never has. As he says it wwas me that 'wronged' him, not the other man or the other man's wife.

Still can't forgive myself but that is something that I have to deal with.

...and why does the bastard deserve a chance to keep on putting his wife's health (both physical and mental if she suspects something is up but he keeps manipulating her into thinking she's just a paranoid wreck...) at risk while he gets his jollies then when he's had enough and fancies a quiet life, has the choice to come 'clean' - probably wishful thinking.

If anyone had known what my H was up to and kept it from me to so-called protect me, I would detest them. It's not a case of the OP taking out an ad in the local paper and broadcasting this woman's misery, it's about having the decency to save her wasting more of her life on this useless shit - or at least, having that CHOICE.

If indeed she already knows, she will be able to turn round and tell the OP this and that she is insignificant because he chose to stay with her. The OP will just have to deal with that because she knew what she was doing when she signed up to screwing him behind people's backs. But again, that makes the wife the strong one, not the one kept in the dark.

I would like to know, but WHEN IT HAPPENS. Not years later.

I am also a bit suspicious of your motives. You never thought of her feelings, and now you suddenly do?

If you tell her, don´t expect her to be grateful!

Tell you what, since its the talk of your friends why dont you ask for their opinion? If they hang around you after that I would be amazed, if you can do it once you can do it again. They wont want to take any chances with someone like you around them.

AlyPaly - Your OH was not "tempted away" by another woman, he did it because he wanted to. Who knows what he told her. Don't make the classic mistake of blaming another woman for your OH's philandering ways. Yeh she had a hand in it, but seeing men as these weak creatures who fall foul of evil temptresses is not right. It's the mans' choice.

I dated a lovely man for over 6 months. I had NO idea he was married. Finished it as soon as I found out.

In any relationship, especially when things are rough, you can see attractive things about other people. Flattery, newness, excitment, a change, feeling neglected a new gorgeous body to play with - but it's your choice whether to go there or not.

I think people have been very harsh on you OP, your initial post was reasonable and I don't think you are out to cause pain deliberately. I've had a two-timing partner (luckily long ago, before DC, and it ended our relationship) and one of the hardest things was people not telling me when they knew... however, that was during the affair. I can see the argument that if it's years down the line and they've patched things up, it could be just stirring.

But I suppose it depends on their relationship - if she's blissfully innocent and he's a serial adulterer and could be giving her STDs, if I was her I'd want to know. If it was a one-off that he's put behind him, it would be better for it not to be dug up. You can't know so you have to stay out of it I think.

Errr Deste, I would guess that a very large percentage of your friends have had relationships with married men/women. If that makes you terrified that they will 'do it again' then your issues should be with your husband, not with your friends.

Rindercella, I sincerely hope that the MM has told his wife of the affair, I really do, but according to how the op has described him, I doubt it.

I agree that morally it's not the op's responsibility to tell the wife the truth but if I were the wife and my husband failed to come clean then I would still want to know. The main thing for me would be knowing the truth.

Radox123 didnt know you knew my ex...HThell do youknow how he was tempted away by some selfish cow. some mens brains are in their trousers and if its laid on a plate who can blame them for taking it.( i probably would as no emotions are involved ..its just SEX. My ex didnt have such ways til that tart came along. She was married and has now lost her husband (HA HA... he saw her in her true light too!!)so serves her right. I have got a BF who is really loyal so guess what goes around comes around. He wants me back...ha!ha! not a chance

I strongly disagree with the idea that 'What you don't know can't hurt you'.

What happened happened and the damage is done at some level. It hasn't been put into words and all this means is that the damage is festering underneath. It can't be named and therefore it can't be healed but it is still there. The conditions which allowed the breech of trust to occur are still there. The guilt or worry is still there. The husband and wife cannon ever, ever have a proper, real, open and trusting relationship while this secret is being harboured. It's desperately unhealthy and the canker will be finding its way out in other, less predictable ways.

I can't believe the extent of naivity on here with so many people believing that just because the deed hasn't been named, in words, it is somehow less hurtful. In the long run the opposite is true. Most of you think it should be kept secret. All this is doing is burying a pile of shite which will soon start to smell and find its way out by other, less controllable, more harmful means. I say dig it out and clean it up. Yes it'll stink badly during the digging process, but it's the only way to get it properly clean and healthy again.

IME the shagging was far less painful to deal with than the lies. The length of time he lied for had a bearing too as I had to reconstruct my life going back through the lying period in order to make sense of it so I could understand and then heal the things which had failed to make sense at the time. They failed to make sense because I hadn't been given the information I needed to make informed choices.

Radox123 such a lovely man ,he didnt tell you he was married...come off it....

Loads and loads of advice, so OTT but generally-

It would not make you feel better if that is what you imagine.

You seem to seek revenge, although you say you are over it.

Are you wanting to hurt, him, or her?
You will hurt her more and why do you want to do that? You were a willing party at the time of your affair so why do you want to rub his face inwhat he did, what you both did, and make their lives crash down now?