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Original poster

I was the OW. I now think that I should tell his wife what went on...

164 replies

Antipova · 17/09/2009 21:21

I know I don't come out of this looking good, but would really appreciate some advice please...

Several years ago I had an affair with a MM which lasted for two years. During that time his wife gave birth to their little boy. No excuses, I knew he was married before the affair began. For what it's worth, I regret it deeply. I'm appalled with myself even typing the details here.

I ended it as I couldn't cope with the situation. I think he was just pleased he got off with it scot free (while of course still claiming that i was the love of his life - i think not)

I was luckier than I deserved and eventually met and married a great (single) bloke and he knows all about the past. I really thought i'd put it all behind me years ago except that recently one of my friend's husbands had an affair. She found out and kicked him out. She says that while it's really hard for her and her little girl, she's ultimately glad she knew the truth.

As you can imagine it's been the main topic of conversation amongst our friends and in my head I can't stop relating it back to my own OW situation. I have beome obsessed by the idea that MM's wife should know that he was unfaithful. I realise i'm making an assumption that she doesn't know already, but everything i know about the situation makes me sure she doesn't - he is a manipulative and very clever liar. The affair was a lot 'worse' than occassional shagging in hotels or whatever people tend to think of when they think of infidelity. I also know I wasn't the first OW, no particular reason to believe I was the last.

99% of me thinks that this is an insane idea and that even if she did want to know the last person she'd want to hear it from is me, especially after all this time, not to mention all the havoc i'm potentially dragging into mine and DH's life. But then a part of me thinks that if it were me, I'd want to know, regardless, like my friend. But then i don't have kids to consider, which must put such a different slant on everything. Is this insane?

OP posts:
Supercherry · 18/09/2009 17:12

Purplepeony, from my perspective the issue here is whether or not to out the truth. I would always go for truth in a situation where a man is cheating on his wife.

The thing that strikes me the most here is that the OP could be talking about any one of your husbands. The irony.

Rindercella · 18/09/2009 17:27

Did you mean to type your husbands SuperCherry, or was that a typo and what you meant to write was, "any one of our husbands"? I mean, let's be as inclusive as we can here, no?

Supercherry · 18/09/2009 17:47

Just talking about posters who have husbands Rindercella. I don't.

juicy12 · 18/09/2009 17:57

Why could the OP be talking about "any one of your husbands"? Hand on heart, I don't think she could be talking about my DH, or, indeed anything but a tiny minority. That's not meant to sound smug, I just honestly don't think that most Hs are potential stayers.

Rindercella · 18/09/2009 18:04

I agree with you juicy. You don't sound smug, but I fear SuperCherry is verging that very thing with her previous couple of posts. How nice it must be to live in your glasshouse SC.

Spidermama · 18/09/2009 18:06

Can't we share our opposing views on this without slagging each other off?

preciouslillywhite · 18/09/2009 18:10

what, on Mumsnet, Spidermama?

Are you having a laugh??

ahundredtimes · 18/09/2009 18:12

Why are you tearing each other's hair out?

Of course it could be anyone's husband! Of course. I think infidelity incredibly common, not a tiny minority at all.

What an interesting thread though. I guess telling the wife would have to be something you'd do on the spur of the moment, without examining your own motives too much?

I must admit I sort of agree with Spidermama on this thread though. But that's only because I would want to know - because like Spidermama I think I'd feel the implications of the infidelity in my marriage, even if I didn't understand their cause. I doubt I'd be in blissful ignorance just because I was ignorant. But that's a v. subjective thing.

Though the consequences of telling the truth and blowing everyone's lies and lives out of the water, might be hard to live with. Is to some degree mischief making, perhaps sleeping dogs should just be left to lie - though I'd be tempted to go for some howling too.

Anifrangapani · 18/09/2009 18:15

At the time my dh was shagging around I would have wanted to know - if only to understand why people who I knew were avoiding me.

If someone was to tell me 2 years after the event I would have to wonder why. My first thought would be that they were having regrets about it finishing and wanted to destabilise my marriage. It does seem from here as if you (OP) are shit stiring long after it (their marriage) ceased to be your problem.

Rindercella · 18/09/2009 18:20

But 100x, I don't believe anyone on here is advocating 'blissful ignorance'. It is not the OP's responsibility, right, whatever, to - several years after the affair - tell the wife of her H's infidelity. As I said yesterday, and someone else pointed out today, we have no idea what is going on in that woman's life at the moment - she could be really ill, her mother could've died last week - having the OW suddenly turn up and rake over the murky past could be the last straw for her.

Incidently Spidermama, I don't think insinuating that someone's post was slightly smug was especially slagging SC off. Nothing to be proud of sure, but not comparable to calling someone a bitch, evil, cow, etc..

juicy12 · 18/09/2009 18:22

"Of course it could be anyone's husband! I think infidelity incredibly common, not a tiny minority at all."
That's such a depressing way to think - makes me feel really . Maybe I'm just naive, but I prefer to be that way than just assuming it's only a matter of time before DH plays away.

Supercherry · 18/09/2009 18:23

Rindercella, I'm not sure how you've managed to come to that conclusion regarding my posts.

My point was merely to say to the posters who are urging the op to stay silent, put yourself in the wife's shoes. If this was your husband would you really want to remain in the dark, as that is what you are condeming the wife here to, assuming her husband hasn't confessed?

You obviously haven't read any of my previous relationship threads if you think that I think I live in a glasshouse.

ahundredtimes · 18/09/2009 18:26

No, I see that Rind, I'd still want to know though Though of course we have no idea whether the wife would feel the same way, so silence is probably the best course of action.

Besides if I was the OW, I can imagine that the desire to tell would be more to do with how I felt about him than the wife.

Though I might pretend to myself that I was doing it for her benefit. . .

ahundredtimes · 18/09/2009 18:27

Well juicy, I think you are right to think that. You should trust and love until proven otherwise, absolutely. Though I wouldn't for a minute judge anyone about it - because I think it's a common thing to happen, not a rare event at all.

morningpaper · 18/09/2009 18:50

Gosh I find this an interesting idea that there may be a moral imperative to inform women every time "their husbands" stray. Is there a belief that women have a 'duty' to each other to rat on naughty men? I find it rather odd.

mrswoolf · 18/09/2009 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 18/09/2009 19:12

i really think you should tell them and ruin their lives

alypaly · 18/09/2009 19:18

Radox123... i dont go back to soiled goods, thats why i kicked him out....alot of men react to their hormones without thinking of the consequences.. then when it matters they want to stay with the one they really love rather than the little tramp they have just had a fling with.. oh dear what a shame...dont come running back to me, the door is firmly closed.

Spidermama · 18/09/2009 19:22

Alypaly I would love to be on the dancefloor with you doing Gloria Gaynor I Will Survive.

macdoodle · 18/09/2009 19:24

Sorry the OP comes across as a slightly deranged obsessed bunny boiler type - who is still dwelling on the idea that she "lost" to the wife!
That seems to be fairly common amongst OW!

alypaly · 18/09/2009 19:33

Spidermama thanks{grin} me too!i have survived and i will continue.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/09/2009 19:35

Alypaly: If you still miss your H and wish the relationship hadn't ended, then actually some of the responsibility for your unhappiness is yours. Because you had the option to forgive him and you chose not to. Of course, the biggest portion of the fault was his (not the OW's) but you had a choice of whether or not to try to fix your relationship.

Also, let's not forget that there are occasions when an affair (ie having sex with other people without a primary partner's knowledge) IS perfectly justifiable.
People who are being abused by a partner sometimes find that only the start of a new relationship gives them the strength to leave the abuser, for instance - this can also be true of someone who is in a relationship with an addict who, while not actually abusive, is impossible to live with. Also, if one partner has made a unilateral decision that there will be no more sex in the relationship and refuses to discuss it or consider a compromise, they have lost any right to sexual exclusivity from the other partner.

hatesponge · 18/09/2009 19:36

to be fair to the OP, she came back & fully took on board all that was said.

And I don't agree that OW generally think they have 'lost' - I didn't when I was one, but then I never saw it as a competition, I was never trying to win at the wife's expense.

alypaly · 18/09/2009 19:44

SolidGoldBrass...i totally agree with you that some of the responsibility for my unhappiness, now is mine ( but i chose that route as it was the least painful),but i would be even more unhappy trying to erase the issue from my memory.I think i would finf that impossible. Even worse i was pregnant at the time...Since then, he has even said.'you gave me everything, why did i do it'. Only he will ever know and he can live with his mistake now. I dont boil my cabbages twice!!!

AnAuntieNotAMum · 18/09/2009 19:51

Juicy - best case scenario stat I have read for men who have cheated is about 20%. A minority yes, a tiny minority, no. Other stats claim up to 60% of married/attached men have cheated

A quick look at sites such as adult friend finder or illicit encounters reveals hundreds, if not thousands of married men looking for sex on the side. It's kind of sad.