I was the OW. I now think that I should tell his wife what went on...

[Antipova]

I know I don't come out of this looking good, but would really appreciate some advice please...

Several years ago I had an affair with a MM which lasted for two years. During that time his wife gave birth to their little boy. No excuses, I knew he was married before the affair began. For what it's worth, I regret it deeply. I'm appalled with myself even typing the details here.

I ended it as I couldn't cope with the situation. I think he was just pleased he got off with it scot free (while of course still claiming that i was the love of his life - i think not)

I was luckier than I deserved and eventually met and married a great (single) bloke and he knows all about the past. I really thought i'd put it all behind me years ago except that recently one of my friend's husbands had an affair. She found out and kicked him out. She says that while it's really hard for her and her little girl, she's ultimately glad she knew the truth.

As you can imagine it's been the main topic of conversation amongst our friends and in my head I can't stop relating it back to my own OW situation. I have beome obsessed by the idea that MM's wife should know that he was unfaithful. I realise i'm making an assumption that she doesn't know already, but everything i know about the situation makes me sure she doesn't - he is a manipulative and very clever liar. The affair was a lot 'worse' than occassional shagging in hotels or whatever people tend to think of when they think of infidelity. I also know I wasn't the first OW, no particular reason to believe I was the last.

99% of me thinks that this is an insane idea and that even if she did want to know the last person she'd want to hear it from is me, especially after all this time, not to mention all the havoc i'm potentially dragging into mine and DH's life. But then a part of me thinks that if it were me, I'd want to know, regardless, like my friend. But then i don't have kids to consider, which must put such a different slant on everything. Is this insane?

MorrisZapp - I heart you. Have noticed you always seem to articulate what I am thinking.

I think that being the OW means you don't tell, don't become a bunny boiler and generally act with discretion, given the whole environment in which an affair is conducted is one of secrecy.

Also hate the denigrating language some women use to describe other women esp the offering it up on a plate type of sentiments.

It makes it sound as though sex is an exchange for something, something that men are trying to 'get' off women.

Wheareas ime it's something that both some men and women like equally.

Anyway to OP - no you shouldn't tell.

I agree with those saying do not tell her.

IMO there is a huge difference between finding out at the time somehow (even if from the OW), or the husband admitting it to the wife compared the the OW deciding to tell all years later.

The time to tell her has passed. If OP was going to do that it should have happened at the time the affair was happening, not several years down the line, when the OP has no idea what the situatiobn between the MM and his wife currently is, etc.

Hi, another one who would not want to know if it was two years later. With respect to Spidermama and those who have been through it.

If he's a serial adulterer and she doesn't know then she is probably burying her head in the sand and doesn't want to know. Men are useless at covering their tracks long term and there will have been clues. So, you telling her is assuming a great deal of responsibility for a woman who is not your friend and who you don't know and will not be there to support during a trauma.

If she does know, your contribution serves no purpose.

If he's not, then you were a one off and it's over.

And, no judging from here. I'm sure you have beaten yourself up over this.

AlyPaly - Nope I had no idea. He was very clever at covering his tracks. And also, if you say that men can't be blamed for taking it where it's offered, why did you get rid of him?

It's the cheaters choice. They have a brain. Whether or not they choose to switch it off or not is up to them.

OP - Leave history as history and move on with your life. Ladies we've all done things we're not proud of. To err is human, to forgive divine. Stop attacking the OP for having the guts to admit she's made mistakes and the honesty to ask for help to avoid making another one.

Let sleeping dogs lie

It is one thing for your dh to sit you down and 'confess' with all the history you have and ability to talk to each other and a strange woman appearing out of the blue to offload her own guilt. I too would want to know but not in that way.The OW may have been a temporary distraction and huge error of judgement at a difficult time and they may have dealt with it this could throw all their hard work out th window.

Wow, this is a tough one.

If I were that mans wife, yes, I would want to know and I'd be none too pleased to say the very least.

However, I think OP should keep her mouth shut (regardless of the motives) about it.

So I guess that makes me a hypocrite and I can't really explain why that is so.

Solid said about the man and wife ganging up on the OP and I absolutely think that is what would happen. It would get VERY messy.

As a side note, I did wonder also, what the OPs husband would think about the OP suddenly bringing all of this to the fore? I wouldn't imagine he'd want this trouble on his doorstep.

OP, if you have moved on, are over this man and are living a happy life, then you should bury this, learn your lesson and live your life.

i'd be more worried watching out that your current partner doesn't cheat on you with someone else...
put your energy into your current relationship.

Nobody would thank you for telling, and the earlier comments about humiliation and the dignity of the wife earlier are very important.

Having said that, OP and the H have made decisions about how the wife will live her life behind her back. They have deprived her of the information she needs to make an informed choice about how she wants her life to be.

OP mentioned that the wife had had a baby during the time of the affair. I bet she often wondered if her pregnancy had somehow lessened her attractiveness to her H, where he was when he should have been home with her and the baby, whether the baby weight was keeping her H from being fully present with her. It's true, men don't cover their tracks well, but those tracks often take the form of hurtful inattention and other slights a wife endures, not just receipts or lipstick on the collar.

Do you even know if they are still together? If he really is a serial cheater he may have already destroyed the marriage himself without any help from any other OWs. Life with someone like this is no bed of roses.

I was a cheated-on wife, now an ex-wife. There was a lot going on in my relationship that made me miserable, but the cheating helped me to give myself 'permission' to end it. Others knew about his infidelity before I did. After the shock and the feeling of being utterly humiliated faded, I ultimately felt my dignity returning. I didn't feel rancour towards the other people involved in the adultery, btw, just for my ex, (who is a seriously disturbed person).

So I don't know what exactly I'm advising. Sort out your feelings first, OP, and concentrate on being a good friend to your cheated-on friends. As far as breaking up the marriage, you've already done a fair bit towards that -- a split would just be the final act in a sequence of events that have already been set in motion by you and the H, and others, by all accounts. On balance, maybe I'm advocating the quick peel of the bandaid..

Wow - thanks for that nice comment sincity!

You've made my day

OP- you have to define your motives here. (I notice you have not replied to any posts here.)

The only reason to contact the wife would be to hurt the man- how else can any view this? You are certainly a bit warped in your thinking if you want to do this for any other reason-such as it would be "good for her" in some way, the same as if you were telling her to eat her 5 portions of fruit and veg each day! It's not information she needs. You are trying to justify your actions in some way, but really it's all about hurting him- why?

I don't criticse you for the affair- it wasn't right, but then it happens all the time the world over and sexual exclusivity is not as important tosome couples as others.

But it was ages ago and you need to move on.

I find it odd that this thread is predominantly 'Don't tell the wife' yet, when a thread is started by a woman suspecting her husband of cheating, the majority of posters encourage the wife to confront the husband, or check his phone, laptop etc. The advice is never 'What you don't know wont hurt you'.

But SC that is a whole lot different- what you describe is when it's fresh and happening- not years later when it's all over and done with. And also, that is between the man and his wife- what this post is about is the OW calling the wife.

that's Ok have seen you on other threads

(stalker emoticon )!!

Friday beers all round, sincity!

SC, of couse any wife has the right to do what she needs to to find out if her DH is cheating. That's a god given.

But in most circs nobody has the right to steam in and tell a stranger (which is what OW is to wife) about their own relationship.

It is absolutely not the same. Also, any wife on here saying I think he's cheating is obviously seeking to know the truth. This woman may prefer to keep her head down and ignore it for all we know.

For all we know her mother died last week or something. It just isn't ok to fire in where you have no idea what the lie of the land is.

no, you really don't come out of this sounding good. For two years you dallied about behind her back with her dh and didn't it seems give a hoot about her feelings whilst she was pregnant, gave birth and looked after her baby. So now you are feel you must tell the poor woman because she needs to know.

I would suggest you need to dig deeper into your own motives. You needn't answer this question here but I wonder if it didn't always rankle being the OW and the wife was protected and not to know.

If you are going to do anything, you need to think about the possible repercussions and if you personally want to take the responsibility for the hurt that might ensue. He doesn't matter to you now, it was maybe crap for you at the time but you have moved on to better things, so I would try to draw a line under it and leave it behind.

I too think you should leave alone.
I think you are doing it for all the wrong reasons and it is to make yourself feel better. You have already said that you feel lucky that you 'got away' with it.

How would you feel if the wife said - yeah i knew all along and its ok - and if she is a wonderful person - would that make you feel better or do you really want to see her as some sort of horrible person in all this to again justify your actions.
If she shouts and screams at you then you will know what a nut she really is and that is why she puts up with him.

I was cheated on and i take some comfort in the fact that it still causes you pain - people have often said my ow will feel as you do one day - i hope so - and if she ever came to me and told me things that she thought i did not know about my h i would not even give her the satifaction of letting her tell me - and if she wanted to believe me to be a stupid woman so be it - she really means nothing to me.

I do understand that we all feel we have a need to know all the truth and to the person that said when a woman asks for advice re her cheating partner she is encouraged to snoop to find out the truth - this is because it is causing her real pain at the time.
History is just that in the past - and he may never have done that again anyway.

good point Morris - Who knows what has gone on in the wifes life?
It just seems that the ow wants to somehow hurt the wife -even now, and has come up with the justification that it will make her feel better and relieve her guilt - too bad.

You lot- the OP said on page 2 that it was a nuts idea, she wasn't going to do it, bid goodbye and thanked everyone for their kind attention. She's been contrite and held her hands up, and everyone's still flaming her!

[headscratching emoticon]

She doesn't honestly come across that way to me. I don#t think she is out to hurt the wife. I believe her that she has a guilty conscience about it or a nagging sense of unease and her friend recently discovering h's infidelity could well have made it all come up. However I am not sure it is all clear cut and whatever she says it will be messy and painful

What happened wasn't good, obviously it wsn't good for OP if at some stage she felt she could no longer cope and had to get out. It won't be good for a few other people if it all comes out now. In the OP she says it was several years ago, so I am not sure it is wise to bring it up

ooh thanks for that, I didn't see her post on that.

Sorry OP

I think we're debating it in general now anyway. I certainly haven't flamed op, she sounded v reasonable to me.

Just leave well alone-you have moved on and so have they-don't revisit.