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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I was the OW. I now think that I should tell his wife what went on...

164 replies

Antipova · 17/09/2009 21:21

I know I don't come out of this looking good, but would really appreciate some advice please...

Several years ago I had an affair with a MM which lasted for two years. During that time his wife gave birth to their little boy. No excuses, I knew he was married before the affair began. For what it's worth, I regret it deeply. I'm appalled with myself even typing the details here.

I ended it as I couldn't cope with the situation. I think he was just pleased he got off with it scot free (while of course still claiming that i was the love of his life - i think not)

I was luckier than I deserved and eventually met and married a great (single) bloke and he knows all about the past. I really thought i'd put it all behind me years ago except that recently one of my friend's husbands had an affair. She found out and kicked him out. She says that while it's really hard for her and her little girl, she's ultimately glad she knew the truth.

As you can imagine it's been the main topic of conversation amongst our friends and in my head I can't stop relating it back to my own OW situation. I have beome obsessed by the idea that MM's wife should know that he was unfaithful. I realise i'm making an assumption that she doesn't know already, but everything i know about the situation makes me sure she doesn't - he is a manipulative and very clever liar. The affair was a lot 'worse' than occassional shagging in hotels or whatever people tend to think of when they think of infidelity. I also know I wasn't the first OW, no particular reason to believe I was the last.

99% of me thinks that this is an insane idea and that even if she did want to know the last person she'd want to hear it from is me, especially after all this time, not to mention all the havoc i'm potentially dragging into mine and DH's life. But then a part of me thinks that if it were me, I'd want to know, regardless, like my friend. But then i don't have kids to consider, which must put such a different slant on everything. Is this insane?

OP posts:

TokenFemale · 17/09/2009 21:45

It's the knowledge of an affair that causes the most hurt. You fucked her man and now you want to hurt her further. Don't be such a bitch.

porcupine11 · 17/09/2009 21:52

Definitely do not tell her. My family know that my uncle has had affairs - on business trips, with colleagues, with neighbours, and deep down my aunt probably knows it (she got together with him when he was cheating on his first wife).

But to tell her would be to force her into a situation of saying 'I will take the humiliation and stay with him, rather than brave it on my own.' And then she would feel humiliated and suspicious around all of their family and joint friends and his colleagues for the rest of her life, wondering who knows what.

You need to stop thinking about him and move on...

annh · 17/09/2009 21:56

You would not be telling her as an act of kindness towards her though, would you? All you are trying to do is salve your conscience and get revenge on the MM who got off "scot free" - your words!

meakin · 17/09/2009 22:04

What about her health? Did you use protection? If not and you think he will still be having affairs now then it is information she should have.

MakemineaGandT · 17/09/2009 22:04

No way should you open this can of worms. It is over, long ago, leave it at that

It is not your business to tell her - not then and certainly not now

Get on with your own life and stop feeling guilty. He was the married one, not you. While it's probably never going to be a period in your life you look on proudly/happily etc, you should not beat yourself up about it

SerendipitousHarlot · 17/09/2009 22:09

Wow, some of you are so judgemental!

To the OP, don't do it. You have no idea of the repurcussions.

And I'm glad some of you are so perfect

TwoIfBySea · 17/09/2009 22:18

As someone who had a not-so-dh walk out after he began an affair with someone at work I have to say that I would rather have known.

I think he did it before, with another colleague in another job. But I was made to feel paranoid and stupid. Had that woman been honest enough to stand up and say what he had done then I would at least not feel so neurotic knowing he was going behind my back with the one he left for.

If anyone goes with a married man then both he and she are the lowest of the low, but it is he who is married and the wife deserves to know what he is up to. I wish I had known.

Spidermama · 17/09/2009 22:29

I think you are all wrong.

Despite the hurt I would prefer to be told. In the end the hurt would be lessened, but as things stand the pain will go on and on and on and the poor woman will not understand why.

Just because somethng isn't out in the open it doesn't mean it didn't happen and the fact it happened means both the man and his wife are suffering deeply at some level - as are you Antipova.

My DH has had two short affaires in our near 20 year marriage. The second he managed to keep from me for two years and my fourth son was born with me not knowing BUT those two years were horrible. He was moody and eaten up all the time.

I had a horrible fourth birth and could feel he wasn't with me and couldn't even catch my eye at times but I didn't know why.

I then went on to get really bad milk duct thrush which lasted six weeks. A couple of months later I got pnuemonia and lost two stone. He had a big swelling on his lip which came from nowhere (biting his tongue??). There were loads of other horrible and inexplicable things happening througout the period of time almost as if our universe was out of synch and disharmonious.

When I finally asked what was going on and why things had been so bad for so long he said, 'sit down' and he told me about his affair.

Everything fell into place. It was very painful BUT after at least it made sense now. After a few weeks things improved in a way they could not have done if they truth had not outed.

Anyway that was two years ago and we will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary next year. I'm not saying it's all brilliant all the time, but trust has returned and it's pretty good most of the time. In fact it has, if anything, made us stronger.

I seem to remember I did a thread about his unfaithfulness at the time and everyone on MN said, 'chuck him out and cut off his balls'

Spidermama · 17/09/2009 22:30

Twoifbysea I totally understand what you say about being made to feel paranoid.

groundhogs · 17/09/2009 22:31

Why screw up someone's life, their family for a 2yr roll in the hay... that's just plain nasty.

Wonder if/when your DH cheats on you, how would you feel, cos the OW decides she's suddenly had a conscience implant.

If you were so worried about doing the right thing, why couldn't you have thought about that before you lay down with someone elses husband?

duelingfanjo · 17/09/2009 22:33

you must be joking. it's not your right to give a f**k about wether it is right for his wife to know about the affair, what has it got to do with you really? Move on!

Spidermama · 17/09/2009 22:36

I am Sir Knows and I knows how it goes.

Be told girls. You know nothing. You are just outraged at the thought of someone shagging a married man which could be yours.

HerBeatitude · 17/09/2009 22:39

No I think I'm not outraged as such, just disturbed that the OP is still mulling on this and wanting to cause more damage.

She obviously hasn't got over this affair. Perhaps the wife and husband in the case, have? We don't know.

Devendra · 17/09/2009 22:40

Personally if I was the wife then I would definately want to know.. Its a tough call but I bet she would have already suspected something.

alypaly · 17/09/2009 22:44

you would screw up the childs future..what is there to gain...how selfish

Rindercella · 17/09/2009 22:46

Not outraged at all Spidermama, people have affairs all of the time. I just do not think that it is the OP's place to tell the wife of the MM that she'd had an affair with him several years ago. Your DH told you about his affair(s). You worked through it and are still together, obviously you are happy. That is great (really, sincerely, I mean that is great).

However, the OP does not know the family circumstances of these people now (did she ever, really?). She would be opening a whole can of worms and cause so much upset. It could cause so much damage - more so than she could ever imagine - the MM could be ill, his wife could be ill, they could have had a recent family bereavement, anything. And her phone call could tip the balance to something awful happening.

Antipova, please leave well alone. Be happy with your DH and forget this ex.

alypaly · 17/09/2009 22:49

sadistic...i cant say anything else...no wonder he didnt come to you....

Original poster

Antipova · 17/09/2009 22:49

Reading the responses (actually just writing the post in the first place) made me realise that it is probably me who has the problem. Guilt certainly and TBH yes, a bit of anger that the MM got off 'scot free'. Re-reading it I DO sound a bit mental.

Definately NOT going to contact her. TBH not sure if I ever really would have gone through with it, just needed to hear all the reasons why not to tell her out loud, so to speak. So, thank you.

OP posts:

alypaly · 17/09/2009 22:52

anger that the MM got off scot free.you knew he was married...you should never have gone down that road...evil woman

Rindercella · 17/09/2009 22:56

Antipova, thank goodness I am so pleased that you have seen sense and made the right decision.

Aly, I really don't think there's any need for name calling after the OP has come back and read and taken all the abuse she has received with good grace and thanked us for putting her straight.

hatesponge · 17/09/2009 22:59

Rindercella, agree entirely.

Alypaly, I see no need to be so unpleasant to the OP.

Niftyblue · 17/09/2009 23:00

The OP is not evil

He is the one that played away
and from what the OP says has before and possibly still is

alypaly · 17/09/2009 23:00

yes ..she has but having been on the other end of someone doing this to me and my family i am outraged at the whole thing

Spidermama · 17/09/2009 23:03

OK so let the cancer fester instead of digging it out where it can be healed.

Well done all. Brilliant thread.

hatesponge · 17/09/2009 23:09

If a man chooses to have an affair, it's he who damages and hurts his family, breaks his vows etc, not the OW.

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