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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I was the OW. I now think that I should tell his wife what went on...

164 replies

Antipova · 17/09/2009 21:21

I know I don't come out of this looking good, but would really appreciate some advice please...

Several years ago I had an affair with a MM which lasted for two years. During that time his wife gave birth to their little boy. No excuses, I knew he was married before the affair began. For what it's worth, I regret it deeply. I'm appalled with myself even typing the details here.

I ended it as I couldn't cope with the situation. I think he was just pleased he got off with it scot free (while of course still claiming that i was the love of his life - i think not)

I was luckier than I deserved and eventually met and married a great (single) bloke and he knows all about the past. I really thought i'd put it all behind me years ago except that recently one of my friend's husbands had an affair. She found out and kicked him out. She says that while it's really hard for her and her little girl, she's ultimately glad she knew the truth.

As you can imagine it's been the main topic of conversation amongst our friends and in my head I can't stop relating it back to my own OW situation. I have beome obsessed by the idea that MM's wife should know that he was unfaithful. I realise i'm making an assumption that she doesn't know already, but everything i know about the situation makes me sure she doesn't - he is a manipulative and very clever liar. The affair was a lot 'worse' than occassional shagging in hotels or whatever people tend to think of when they think of infidelity. I also know I wasn't the first OW, no particular reason to believe I was the last.

99% of me thinks that this is an insane idea and that even if she did want to know the last person she'd want to hear it from is me, especially after all this time, not to mention all the havoc i'm potentially dragging into mine and DH's life. But then a part of me thinks that if it were me, I'd want to know, regardless, like my friend. But then i don't have kids to consider, which must put such a different slant on everything. Is this insane?

OP posts:

jbear · 18/09/2009 10:34

i hope you are really proud of yourself. i hope if you do tell her she punches you right in the face you deserve to b alone

TwoIfBySea · 18/09/2009 10:42

Totally with Spidermama on this one, am so surprised that there are so many people who would rather not know - really? Because you maybe think your devoted dh won't do it to you? I thought that once, I would have said for the op not to say a word and to slink back under the rock from whence she came.

But.

It is different on the other side.

He is the married one. She may have had the affair and therefore have dubious morals but he is the deceitful one. And for that the wife deserves to know the truth. Because if a marriage is based on lies then what is the point?

And what if next time the dh decides to dump the wife, and then she finds out. Believe me you wouldn't want to know the hurt that that would cause. Better to rip the bandaid off quickly than to slowly tear it.

TwoIfBySea · 18/09/2009 10:45

And if the op were to take my advice then she should send an apology to the wife, tell her you regret what you did.

God knows I'd appreciate it if my ex-dh's bint even admitted she had done wrong.

Remotew · 18/09/2009 10:51

If you have moved on why are you even considering that he got off 'scot free'.

Don't tell her, please. What she doesn't know cannot hurt her. If he is a serial shagger she probably knows to a point and puts up with it, some women do bury their head in the sand, as long as he doesn't leave them.

We are all capable of making mistakes so put it behind you and be happy in your new relationship.

Spidermama · 18/09/2009 10:54

Well said TwoIfs. I love your band aid analogy.

So if your dh had a two year affair a couple of years back, most of you on this thread would rather not know? Is that right?

As to the OPs motives, I'm sure they are complex. There may well be a bit of bitterness involved, a sense of injustice at him having 'got away with it' but there's also, as I see it, a deep need to go some way to righting a wrong. To bringing out the truth so that all the people invovled don't have to live with a festering lie.

It's ignoble cowardice to cover up the truth and it only makes for more pain over a longer period.

tobago04 · 18/09/2009 10:59

But did'nt the op get off scott free too? I would want to know though.

Rindercella · 18/09/2009 11:22

We cannot possible know if the MM's wife knows already. If her H has already told her and they have sorted themselves out (ala Spidermama & her DH), then what good can come of the OW calling the wife out of the blue to tell her all the gory details of the MM's affair with her? Or...the wife may have found out and ditched her H because of it (or another because of another affair).
Or, of course, they may be still married, she in ignorant 'bliss' of her H's fidelity. The OP has no moral obligation to tell the wife - the OP's motive in telling the wife would be for selfish reasons only.

Thank heavens the OP has seen sense and decided not to proceed with this.

SerendipitousHarlot · 18/09/2009 11:25

WTF?

Just no need. Like I said earlier in the thread, I do hope all of you are so perfect for ever

Justwantout · 18/09/2009 11:28

OMG I would WANT to be told!!!

SolidGoldBrass · 18/09/2009 12:43

I am really NOT in favour of relentless honesty and forcing things into the open. People who make a big deal out of their 'honesty' in their dealings with others are almost always selfrightous fuckwits - what they mean by 'I am really honest' is 'I am fucking rude, self-obsessed, interfering and critical but you can't complain about it because I'm just being honest.'
ANd really, not everyone is particularly bothered by an unmonogamous partner. This man's wife is not any of you and your feelings about your own relationships are not her problem, nor should they be.

FuzzyTum · 18/09/2009 12:47

Does your husband know you want to tell her? I can't imagine he would be thrilled with your having contact with this man's family and dredging up a seedy chapter of your life.

junglist1 · 18/09/2009 12:50

I don't like "other women" but not going to flame you, hopefully you've realised your mistake. Hopefully the cheater has wised up aswell so if you did it you could ruin what could now be an on track relationship.

noddyholder · 18/09/2009 13:01

Who says she doesn't know?

MorrisZapp · 18/09/2009 13:07

alypaly, your comments remind me of that quote, 'What do men and women have in common? They both hate women'.

I find it truly scary that in this day and age there are people around who actually think that married men shouldn't be blamed for having sex if it's offered 'on a plate' and that women are tarts etc for offering it.

I can see why it might feel easier to blame somebody else than face the fact that your ex was a cheater, but surely in the cold light of day you can see it for what it was?

Men aren't dogs. They don't just do whatever they're told or 'tempted' into.

Blaming women for men's behaviour is so 1950's.

And OP - you know it's madness to contact this woman, fair play to you for your honesty on here. You don't deserve a flaming.

TwoPersephone · 18/09/2009 13:13

If I was the wife i would want to know.

prettyfly1 · 18/09/2009 13:15

dont you bloody dare tell them. the fact is it was over years ago and telling them now - ripping apart the family for YOUR guilty secret is not right at all.

TaylorSwift · 18/09/2009 13:15

Are you INSANE? Bury it and move on. No good can come of dredging it back up now.

OrmIrian · 18/09/2009 13:15

No you shouldn't.

echofalls · 18/09/2009 13:18

If he regularly did this she probably knows already and chooses to still be with him.

Your life has moved on I see no point in telling his wife now.

Karma

bathcat · 18/09/2009 13:39

I am sympathetic to the OP and I think a lot of the comments on here are really out of order.

Over the past few weeks I have read threads on MN that describe the OW as a slut, a slapper, a whore, lower than shit, trash, a bitch and now evil, cow and, oh, a bitch, again. How incredibly helpful. I thought this was a forum for parents ( and mostly women ) who need support, advice and guidance when they find themselves in positions that are difficult and painful for them regardless of the morality of the situation. How many other women in similar positions would like to post to get support, but don?t because they fear all they will get is abuse and variations on the ? you made your bed, you lie in it ? theme. This is just sad and depressing.

Anyway, back to the OP. I can sympathise as I am in a similar situation. I think you have made the right decision not to contact his wife ? the time lag is too great and you don?t know enough about his current circumstances. It sounds like you haven?t properly dealt with all the aspects of the affair and are still feeling a degree of pain and anger about it which are probably linked to emotional responses from your past, maybe from your childhood. I would advise you to seek counselling to help you find the root cause of this and help you work through it. You sound like you need some support to help you move on and close this chapter in your life.

Wish you the best of luck

Mumfun · 18/09/2009 13:57

Of course it is better that the wife knows. I could have turned a blind eye to MY H affair - but I didnt when I found evidence. And it explained a lot actually of his strange behaviour.

But it wasnt this Op's place to tell the wife -the current circumstances werent known.

macdoodle · 18/09/2009 14:01

"regardless of the morality of the situation"

umm no actually the vast majority of us here actually do possess a set of morals!
Have actually restrained posting on this thread though I could have added a few more names!
Why on earth should we offer unconditional support to someone we dont know - especially someone of shown poor morals??
The only people I offer uncondtional support and love to are my children and even that might be lacking in situations that I find reprehensible like paedophilia, murder and rape!

mumsiebumsie · 18/09/2009 14:06

If I was OW - I'd want to know. Whether it was 2 days ago or 2 years ago that the affair ended. I'm not some child who needs the illusion of security created for them as I'm too immature to deal with reality. No matter how wicked and destructive the truth is - I'd still want to know.

But I guess the problem is that you can't say for sure that the poor wife involved in all of this feels the same.

But still can't get out of my head the fact that I'd want to know.

I don't think there's a clear cut answer TBH.

mumsiebumsie · 18/09/2009 14:10

Macdoodle wrote "The only people I offer uncondtional support and love to are my children".

That is really really messed up. So sad.

bathcat · 18/09/2009 14:12

But the OP has already stated that she knows she did something wrong, she regrets it and is asking for advice to deal with her feelings now. She wants to use people as a sounding board - get a range of opinions. She has got that - but there is no need to personally insult her in the process.

Maybe my use of the words ' regardless of the morality of the situation ' is the wrong way to put it - I was rushing - but I think most people know what I mean. I think people should be free to ask for advice even if their moral compass is slightly off. I obviously didn't mean paedophilia, murder and rape are okay.

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