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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left me

169 replies

sykes · 20/05/2003 12:01

Was going to change my name but can't be bothered. In brief, my h has been having an affair for about six months - altho only really "known" the person for two weeks. After two attempts to leave and begging to come back he's now gone and is living with her (she's 26, already married) in a flat. He's 37, married and we have two small daughters - 18 months and 3.5 years. As stupid as I sound I'm trying to believe it's a mid-life crisis and it can be resolved. we've both made mistakes in the past but have had masses of pressure. Or is he just an idiot who thinks he's in love. He's justifying his actions by saying our relationship would never have worked - not true in my eyes and after 13 years don't you expect rough patches? I think I'm hanging on to something that may no longer be there and he's obviously left. But my daughters and I deserve more than a pathetic attempt at repairing our family life. We were such a great couple once. Any advice? HAve managed to drag myself back to work after eight days since he left.

OP posts:
Finbar · 20/05/2003 12:31

I am so sorry to hear your news - well done for getting back to work.
hope your daughters are coping ok too.

it probably is a mid life crisis - but that doesn't really help any feelings of betrayal/anger etc. These situations are so personal and so very individual that it's hard to know what to say that will help - but it's true that you and your daughters DO deserve more.

I can't believe this other relationship will last based on what you have said (and 26! - she'll get bored soon!)

Mum2Toby · 20/05/2003 12:36

Sykes - I don't know what to say except that I hope it works out best for you and your daughters.
Do you think after he's set up home with this woman that you would ever want to salvage your relationship? Does he still see the children?

Hope things get better for you soon.

Sheila · 20/05/2003 13:03

Dear Sykes, my advice would be that if you want him back, and it sounds as though however angry you feel (justifiably), you do, then be patient and wait. Your dh will miss you and your children and will want to come home eventually.

My basis for this advice is that I have been on the "other woman" end of a similar story and thought that the only reason the man in question didn't go back to his wife and children was because she was so vile to him (quite understandably) and made him feel that life with her would be unbearable if he went back.

My excuse for being the other woman? I had no children at the time and had no idea what the effects of our actions would be. I had my comeuppance tho' since he was torn up by guilt at his desertion and our relationship didn't survive.

Now I have children of my own I know I would never be a party to doing this to anyone again.

ghengis · 20/05/2003 13:16

Wise words Sheila. Sykes, I am truly sorry for what you are going through. If you think that your relationship is worth trying to save then behave with as much dignity as you can muster and wait for him to come back.

Original poster
sykes · 20/05/2003 13:28

Thanks so much - particularly Sheila, interesting to have the "other" woman's perspective. I'm stupid enough to have him back - but not sure if that's the right thing to do or not - even if he'll ever want to come back. He's admitted that he's infatuated (presume now thinks he's in love/that's how he can qualify his actions) - she thinks he's "the one" and wants to get married and have his children???? He wants to see the children as much as possible which I intend should happen. But I do think he needs a massive reality check and has NO idea about what he's really done. He has to lean on women (usually goes for v forceful/strong characters) and is very much a new man - did far more housework etc than me. But despite being good looking is fairly insecure and has admitted that she makes him feel important, sexy etc. She's also pursued him off and on via e-mails etc. However, he's a grown man and should have had the maturity to stop it before it started. I can't believe it's blind love but then again I can't believe he's now living with her and he is ....

OP posts:
edgarcat · 20/05/2003 13:30

Message withdrawn

hopey · 20/05/2003 13:56

Sykes, I am so sorry. I wrote the thread "My partner has left me". I can understand how you must be feeling. Why do men behave like this? Your husband doesn't know he's born. He will regret leaving you and your children. I know my ex-dp has just started to realise, all abeit too late, the implications of what he has done. Try and keep strong. Do you have plenty of friends and family around you, this will help. Keep posting. We're all here for you.

Kazziegirl · 20/05/2003 13:57

Sykes - Sorry to hear you news. No advice to offer as wouldn't know what to do were it me but I do agree with Sheila in so much as bide your time, be strong and he'll realise what a huge loss you and the girls are to him. Hope you have lots of support during this tough time.

Original poster
sykes · 20/05/2003 13:59

This is one of my more rational moments ... off to see a counsellor this evening - just me. Thanks again and would appreciate any other thoughts/interpretations. Big thanks to Eemie (mumsnetter) who has been brilliant.

OP posts:
Original poster
sykes · 20/05/2003 14:01

My friends have been fantastic despite the fact they lives miles away - have stayed with me, phone constantly and am staying with a great friend for bank holiday. The only family support is a mother with Alzheimers ....

OP posts:
Marina · 20/05/2003 14:08

Very glad to hear you have good support from friends at this time, Sykes. I too am in awe at how well you seem to be coping with such an awful upheaval. Good for you for trying (for now at least) to take the long view, for the sake of the children. It cannot be easy. Keep posting here if it helps and good luck at the counsellor's.

Original poster
sykes · 20/05/2003 14:16

Bugsy - how are you coping? Hope you're doing okay.

OP posts:
Original poster
sykes · 20/05/2003 15:16

Sorry, me again, just wondered whether anyone had experience of the below - but do realise all scenarios different

OP posts:
Mo2 · 20/05/2003 17:08

Sykes - have just read this thread and wanted to say how I admire how you're coping with this. I know we've only met the once, but if there's anything I can do, or you want to meet up and chat etc send me an e-mail via Mumsnet (it sounds as if you don't know too many people locally).
I really hope you can work things out - I hope this is a 'mistake' which is quickly realised and that you have the ability to work through together.
Thinking of you.
M02

lisalisa · 20/05/2003 17:31

Message withdrawn

breeze · 20/05/2003 17:48

Sykes, Just wanted to wish you all the best and hope things work out the way you want them to.
It will do you good to try and get on with things if only when he is around, as he probably has you in mind of a safety net if this doesn't work out. Might give him a jolt if you are acting not too bothered. Take Care

eemie · 20/05/2003 18:22

sykes, what was the first day back at work like? All the best for your counselling session and will be thinking of you.

bozzy · 20/05/2003 19:07

Sykes, just wanted to offer some support and to say hang in tight there - I know of so many men (my cousin being an example) who have left their wife and children for a younger woman - they soon get bored and wonder what on earth possessed them - and they go running back. Good luck and best wishes - I hope things work out for you. I do think that men can go through a bit of a mid-life crisis and freak out - and then they realise what they are missing...

Kazziegirl · 20/05/2003 19:09

Sykes - hope the counselling session is helpful - thinking of you.

Lindy · 20/05/2003 19:31

Sykes - so sorry to hear about what you have been going through - you may have read my comments on Bugsy's thread, but I have been through this too - in my case BEFORE we had a child (am I mad!!) - anyway, my advice is that, sadly, so many men seem to go through this mid-life crisis and 'go off' with a younger woman; you are right to sit tight and hold on to your dignity and then if YOU want to work things through together when he realises what a stupid mistake he's made (which I would guess he is bound to do)it is YOUR decision on how to move things forward. Relate counselling was really helpful in my case, good luck, you are going through hell, I know, I've been there and survived it!!

tigermoth · 20/05/2003 19:33

sykes, very sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. It's good you have some close friends to help you through this. I remember reading your messages about your mother on another thread. I think sheila's advice is really good - don't be vile to him and wait it out. Anger is healing in small doses, I find, but being consumed by anger doesn't progress things - it makes things worse whether you end up going it alone or not. I cannot imagine how painful it will be when your dh visits your children. A big hug to you. Have you thought how you will organise these meetings? That's something to work out for now, possibly - wish I could offer advice on this but all I can do is send you lots of sympathy.

bayleaf · 20/05/2003 19:58

I always feel so sad when I read/hear ( again) that this has happened - it litterally seems to happen almost every day at the moment.
As an aside, I discovered that a colleague goes to the same running club as dh( he is obssesed and goes there 3 times a week)and she informs me it is a hot bed of passion - (various marital break ups in the past) He claims to know nothing of this (!?) and I have no reason to suspect him of any mis doings aat the moment - but the collegue was surprised by my interest and my ( only slightly) joking request that she keep an eye on him. Maybe I am cynical but so very many men seem to be weak enough that a little bit of interest/ego stroking at a time when home life is dull/mundane/stressful and they fall for it 9 times out of 10. It's all about time and place and opportunity as I can see and none of us can say ''it'll never happen to me'' because we just don't know.
It strikes me that you hit the nail on the head when saying that your dh is insecure and that she makes him feel great - and of course you don't - which of us does find time in our lives to constantly massage dh's ego - and why should we? - but it doesn't take much to tip the balance.
I'm sure many will shout me down for saying this ( tho I have admitted it before on Mumsnet) but I am pretty certain that I would want dh back if I were in your circumstances. Yes I would be angry and hurt and be generally falling apart emotionally - but I think I would also want him back.
If you can bear to not scream and shout and hit out at him then I have to say I think you have every chance of it happening; from what you've said it doesn't sound like a match made in heaven - just a silly opportunistic fling that has got out of control. Don't be made to feel stupid for not giving him a hard time about it if you feel you can cope with the 'calm' approach. Yes he is a shit for doing what he has done - but if you want him back then shouting at him now isn't going to achieve that aim - and OK, in the long term it will only work if he really regrets what he has done - but if you can help him to regret it by not being too vile to him right now - then all to the good.
I'm not sure how coherent I'm being and my hormones are all over the place at the moment for different reasons (ivf)- so I'll shut up and just give you a big {{{{hug{}}}}}}}}
bayleaf

Carmel · 20/05/2003 20:19

Hello, My partner and i broke up for six months a year ago. He did come back, he did feel like a fool and i did forgive him. All i know now is that i wasted so much time chasing him crying, screaming etc. I severly felt like i could have lost it when hed gone even though i kept this hidden from the world. Guilt was a terrible feeling like i had let my kids down. Looking back the best thing you can do is really love yourself, once you do that the whole world wants to be with you. it may not be your husband (it took him time to realise what he had done, very good at switching pain off)but it will be someone. Look after yourself and remember things will work out in some way or form better than you could have hoped for. I am now stronger, more independant and proud of myself!

Ghosty · 20/05/2003 20:54

Sykes ... so sorry this has happened ... thinking of you {{{{{}}}}}

Chinchilla · 20/05/2003 20:58

Sykes - I'm so sorry that you are unhappy. I hope that you get everything the way that you want it. Men just amaze me...they always need their egos massaging, and I think that this is probably what is happening here. That doesn't help you though does it?!

Keep your chin up, and remeber that your dds love you. Hopefully he will come to his senses, but if he doesn't, you sound like a very strong person who will make it through anyway.