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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

Relationships

My husband has left me

169 replies

sykes · 20/05/2003 12:01

Was going to change my name but can't be bothered. In brief, my h has been having an affair for about six months - altho only really "known" the person for two weeks. After two attempts to leave and begging to come back he's now gone and is living with her (she's 26, already married) in a flat. He's 37, married and we have two small daughters - 18 months and 3.5 years. As stupid as I sound I'm trying to believe it's a mid-life crisis and it can be resolved. we've both made mistakes in the past but have had masses of pressure. Or is he just an idiot who thinks he's in love. He's justifying his actions by saying our relationship would never have worked - not true in my eyes and after 13 years don't you expect rough patches? I think I'm hanging on to something that may no longer be there and he's obviously left. But my daughters and I deserve more than a pathetic attempt at repairing our family life. We were such a great couple once. Any advice? HAve managed to drag myself back to work after eight days since he left.

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doormat · 21/05/2003 23:12

sykes thanx and you are not overstepping boundaries.

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sykes · 22/05/2003 09:13

Thanks to all for last night. My dds had an awful morning missing daddy and I think he should know how much they're suffering. Or is that wrong and should I maintain a dignified silence. I do think he should realise they'll be the two little ones without a daddy this weekend.

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Bugsy · 22/05/2003 09:23

Oh sykes, devastated to read your news. I am so very sorry for your situation. I'll send you an e-mail. Big hugs.

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sykes · 22/05/2003 09:58

Thanks, Bugsy. How are you?

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Bugsy · 22/05/2003 10:09

Not good, but decided to stop posting on the subject for a while, in fact haven't really been posting at all.

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sykes · 22/05/2003 10:14

I hadn't but suddenly started yesterday. Everyone has been incredibly kind and I've find it cathartic. Lots of luck. If you feel like e-mail conversations please do, but don't want to intrude.

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Bugsy · 22/05/2003 10:17

I've already sent you an e-mail!

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sykes · 22/05/2003 10:18

My system is rather slow ....

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bells2 · 22/05/2003 10:29

Sykes and Bugsy, I have found reading about your experiences upsetting and depressing and really admire your attitudes and the way you have coped. It has however had a positive impact in that as a result I have made much more of an effort to value my DH who is such a good, kind and honest father and husband but whom in the past I have far too often taken for granted, not too mention bossed about. Best of luck to you both.

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sis · 22/05/2003 21:04

Sykes, I'm thinking of you and I hope you, your dds and your nanny have a really good holiday, so that you can come back with a slightly fresher perspective - I don't speak from personal experience but I imagine that things must seems pretty muggy with all the different feelings you must be going through.

Bugsy, sorry things are not going too well for you at the moment and hope you can post when you want some support/chat.

My best wishes to Hopey, Doormat and Carmel too.

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sykes · 23/05/2003 09:42

Thanks - do feel like I'm swimming in mud. Much more positive today and am enjoying being wonderfully reasonable. Intend to step up his parental responsibilities which he says he wants starting with a stayover next week while I see my lawyer and go out with a friend to the Soho House and stay in town. My friend is coming with me to the lawyers as my sister considers it's good to have an unemotionally involved third-party. Any tips on sensible questions would be really appreciated.

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tigermoth · 25/05/2003 11:22

sykes, thinking of you over this bank holiday weekend. And hopey and Carmel.

Bugsy, thinking of you too. I remember Marina saying a while back how sometimes she didn't want to be this bereaved person and just wanted to be someone 'ordinary'. What I'm trying to say to you, in a very clumsy way, is that if you don't want to post on your relationship, don't feel you can't post on other threads.

Doormat, so admire you honesty in posting your story and very glad you had a lovely dp in your life now.

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emwi · 25/05/2003 20:20

Sykes, very sorry to hear about this situation. I was thinking about the upset daughters side of things and wondered if you could work out anything he could do to make them feel a bit better - something in the post each day or a phone call to say goodnight (although I realise this might upset them more - is there anything he could do which would make things better for them?) Then you could ask him to do this. It would let him know how upset they are but not seem like you're just saying look what you've done. It just seems a bit more constructive. My heart goes out to you and your children.

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sykes · 26/05/2003 16:54

Thanks. Just got bakc from a good w/end but struggling with two children, a pushchair and a massive holdall isn't easy. Opened the door to find he'd removed all his clothes, CDs, etc. But what really hurts is seeing my 2 dds with a daddy in the playground/at bedtime adn making such a fuss of other peoples's daddies. How can he be so cruel. SO tempted to call him and say PLEASE THINK about what you're doing. But I won't.

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sykes · 26/05/2003 16:55

Meant , of coures, without a daddy.

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M2T · 26/05/2003 16:56

SYkes - glad you had good time.

You're right.... don't phone him. He's obviously thought about it and in some weird, warped way, justified to himself already. You seem to be doing well. Keep going forward.

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ForestFly · 26/05/2003 17:08

I know about wanting to ring you just want them to take a bit of the fallout for you. Im not ringing mine id expect him to make me feel better change somehow but thats not going to happen. I couldn't stand the rejection anymore

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ForestFly · 26/05/2003 22:53

Like to talk to you Sykes if your ever about

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sykes · 27/05/2003 09:11

I'll be in and out all day - at work .... concentration span of a goldfish. I'm really happy to chat as I find it really useful too. How are you this morning?

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sykes · 27/05/2003 09:12

Sorry - can't post on your bit - not really attention seeking ...

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ForestFly · 27/05/2003 09:18

Dreading seeing him don't want to get upset or argue, easier said than done isn't it! Mums got four year old for a couple of days until im not upset in front of him. Going to take two year old somewhere nice. Hope your o.k. today, is it going to be a good or bad one do you think?

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sykes · 27/05/2003 09:22

An okay one but am seeing a counsellor at 4:30 which will probably be upsetting. My nanny is with my two (3.5 and 18 months). No family anywhere near but she is brilliant. What I do, which may not be wise but helps me, is send e-mails saying how upset the children are. I'm sure it's because I subconsciously want to get in touch with him, but I really also think he should try to understand just something of what he's done to the children. I'm the one who sees the tears and upset because they miss daddy and believe he should hear about the consequence of his actions. Good luck today. Post as much as you need to - I'm always around.

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ForestFly · 27/05/2003 09:31

I know what you mean, they dont see the consequences of there actions so its easier for them to deal with. Pure escapism. I know id be dealing with it a lot better if i could have that freedom! I,m starting to get p'd off at the practical side of things now bills and time out

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sykes · 27/05/2003 09:35

Make sure he realises - it's all very well coping and being strong but let him take some of the fall out. Off to a meeting now. Will post on return. also seeing a solicitor tomorrow so may have some useful advice. How long were you together? Is it a massive shock?

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ForestFly · 27/05/2003 09:46

6 years, massive shock (isn't it always!)First day without him so dont really know whats happening yet. I hope he will share the fallout. Don't feel like i know him now, so who knows. Good luck with counselling, meetings, and solicitors!

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Flip

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