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My husband has left me

169 replies

sykes · 20/05/2003 12:01

Was going to change my name but can't be bothered. In brief, my h has been having an affair for about six months - altho only really "known" the person for two weeks. After two attempts to leave and begging to come back he's now gone and is living with her (she's 26, already married) in a flat. He's 37, married and we have two small daughters - 18 months and 3.5 years. As stupid as I sound I'm trying to believe it's a mid-life crisis and it can be resolved. we've both made mistakes in the past but have had masses of pressure. Or is he just an idiot who thinks he's in love. He's justifying his actions by saying our relationship would never have worked - not true in my eyes and after 13 years don't you expect rough patches? I think I'm hanging on to something that may no longer be there and he's obviously left. But my daughters and I deserve more than a pathetic attempt at repairing our family life. We were such a great couple once. Any advice? HAve managed to drag myself back to work after eight days since he left.

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Bugsy · 27/05/2003 10:20

Forestfly, very sorry to hear your sad news too. Glad you had a good weekend Sykes.
Thanks for your kind words Tigermoth. Been feeling depressed and frustrated with myself at not knowing what to do, that I made a decision not to post on my situation until I came closer to resolving it.
I didn't really make a conscious decision not to post on other stuff, just haven't really felt very chatty

M2T · 27/05/2003 10:22

Hi Bugsy - good to hear from you again. How are things? Is he still living away from you?? Is 'she' still on the scene?

GRMUM · 27/05/2003 10:59

Bugsy..hugs.Been thinking about you.Although my situation wasn't exactly the same as yours I am pleased to be able to tell you that after 8 months of talking/arguing/long periods of not talking/threats to split up etc we do seem to be coming out of the tunnel.It'll never be the same again but I can finally see that it may be good though different.This may or may not be the same in your case but time does help.Sometimes it is good to work through these things alone. Because only you know all the ins and outs of your situation.Love to your little ones.

sykes · 27/05/2003 12:29

Very nosey - please don't answer if you don't want to, but was anyone else involved and did he move out?

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ForestFly · 27/05/2003 13:03

Haven't cried today yet. Feeling quite strong for my first day,hope it lasts when i see him later!

M2T · 27/05/2003 13:10

Good news FF.

And good luck later.... be strong! Do you HAVE to see him today?

ForestFly · 27/05/2003 13:13

Well weve not talked about whats happening, he doesn't know where he's going. I suppose i dont have to see him just want to tie up a few loose end! Mistake do you think?

M2T · 27/05/2003 13:18

I just don't think it'll be very productive and I don't know if you'll be able to tie up loose ends so soon, do you?

You probably end up hugging or perhaps arguing and that could lead to allsorts of mixed up emotions. I know I'm sounding pessimistic, but if you REALLY don't need to see him today then I would advise you to leave it for a few more days. Unless, of course, you KNOW that you will be very strong throughout the 'meeting'.

sykes · 27/05/2003 14:12

Agree with M2T - unless you're v strong. I haven't seen my h for three weeks nearly as still can't cope.

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doormat · 27/05/2003 16:13

Hello sykes and forestfly, and to all you other mumsnetters,
sykes-your postings seem alot better, I hope you are o.k. Just to let you know that I am still thinking of you. Hang on in there girl.
forestfly-sorry to hear about your situation, agree with m2t and sykes you have to be very strong to see him today.I would leave well alone. Tie up loose ends in a few days time I really think it is too soon. Emotions are all over the place at the moment.Hang on in there and be strong.
LOL and cyberhugs to you both.
Tigermoth thanx for the kind words.

sykes · 29/05/2003 10:40

How are you doing ForestFly. I really can't post on your thread so hope you read this. I've got a dreadful hangover as stayed with a friend in town (London) last night. My h stayed overnight with the children. I think reality is dawning and he's seeing a mutual friend this evening. I really do think he's a very irresponsible, unkind person at the moment and rather a waste of space. Then I remember the fun times we've had. It's so hard isn't it? Saw my solicitor - you're entitled to 20% of his salary plus lots of other "expenses". I can e-mail you a spread sheet of all the things to consider when discussing financial issues - it doesn't mean it's all over between you (unless you want it to be) but it might be a rather good wake-up call.

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Bugsy · 29/05/2003 11:00

Sykes, sorry to be cheeky, but would you mind e-mailing me the financial spreadsheet.
Thank you

M2T · 29/05/2003 11:04

Bugsy - How are you? Your query suggests that there has been no resolution yet and perhaps you and dh are splitting. I hope you are ok. I know you don't really want to post right now, but just letting you know that I'm still thinking about you and your awful situation.

sykes · 29/05/2003 11:37

Bugsy, of course I will. Will probably send tomorrow as a friend of mine is inputting it today. The things that solicitors think of are amazing, but you do have to consider everything.

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ForestFly · 29/05/2003 12:39

Feel like im going through a bereavement .Cant stop thinking of the good times .Realised i was never going to kiss him again and had a panic attack. Where is he , whats he doing? Didn, t want to get out of bed this morning sick of waking up with this pain. Really dont want to love him anymore but my soul is just not stopping.

ForestFly · 29/05/2003 12:44

I would love a copy of it thankyou Sykes. Can you get my email?

Bugsy · 29/05/2003 12:48

Thanks M2T, I appreciate your support. Nothing to say at the moment really.

sykes · 29/05/2003 14:12

It is a bereavement, of sorts. Do try and talk to a counsellor on your own. Have you seen him? How dreadful was it? Ask Tech to send me your e-mail address and I'll forward the form tomorrow.

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ForestFly · 29/05/2003 14:41

Thankyou Sykes , i have told tech. Hope you are well today. Seeing him was a nightmare. Cant pretnd im not upset. Drank to much wine and begged him to come back. Have i know dignity :0. Starting to think that i wish hed stopped sleeping with me, cant believe how close weve been lately in bed. Trust is a crock!!!!

Bumblelion · 29/05/2003 15:14

Sykes (and all the others out there in the same situation), can I just say what a strong independent woman you are and things will get better - and I know because I have been there.

I had an affair, reconciled wit husband, fell pregnant with 3rd child (all definitely my husbands) and then when 3rd child was 11 weeks old (New Years Eve 2001/2002) he decided to leave me. Changed his mind and then re-changed it again and finally left me 13th February last year. I went through such a hard time - he is now living with his girlfriend from work - and it absolutely tore me up knowing he was having a good, loving relationship with someone who wasn't me and I was living the "sad lonely life" he told me that I would be living.

I had 3 young children (they were 9, 4 and less than 1 year at the time) and I had to work an extra day to pay the mortgage, went through a really, really bad time - spent all my time crying, wanting him back, knowing he did not want me - very hard thing to deal with. As he told me - the hardest thing for me was dealing with the "rejection" - lovely choice of word I thought. It is horrible knowing how vulnerable I felt knowing I would have had him back at a moment's notice and he didn't want me. Made me feel that no-one would want me - after all, who would - it was me that had the affair in the first place - doesn't make me a very nice person - but I had my own reasons (although they sound very shallow now) for having the affair in the first place.

He left my house in September (7 months after splitting from me and living separate lives in the same house) and moved in with a friend of his girlfriend. Before Christmas he then moved in with his girlfriend BUT I HAVE MOVED ON SO MUCH SINCE THEN.

He has the children at my house on a Wednesday night doing the normal nightly routine (dinner, bath, homwork, bed, etc.) while I go out and has them overnight one night at the weekend - normally a Friday.

When he has the children over night he obviously has them at Tracie's house but she will NEVER replace me. I hope that my children do have a good relationship with her as she makes my husband very happy and I wouldn't want them spending time with them both if she was not nice to them (but, why wouldn't she be, she knew he had 3 children when he moved in with her - actually she knew me rather well being a work colleague of husbands and we have all been out on night's out in the past). The hardest thing for me was not that he had left me for someone else - it was this person he had left me for - someone I knew, who held my new born baby daughter, who only 8 weeks after holding my new born baby daughter disappeared with my husband at his firm's Christmas do.

Saying all this ... I am now finally happy. I have moved on, can be happy for husband in his new life, my kids are happy living with me, seeing their dad regularly - me and their dad get on so much better now that I feel so much better for myself.

Have started seeing a guy who I worked with 12 years ago - long story but bumped into him on our birthday weekend last year - our birthdays are 1 day apart - both coming up in just over a week's time. We had just a good friendship to start with - the one thing I have found with this new guy is the comfortableness I have with him (and he has with me) and we are so totally honest with each other.

Went out for a once-a-week drink with him for about 6 months, just as a friend, but he became a "good" friend - you know the type of person who you haven't known that long but feel so close to. You can have friends that you have known years, but they are not true friends - other people you can know a short time and already you know they are good true friends.

I lost my mobile phone in February and only had his number stored in it. On a Tuesday night after not seeing him for about 6 weeks I bumped into him in my local petrol station after picking my daughter up from Brownies. I had missed his friendship so much while my phone was lost and I was so pleased to bump into him.

We went out for a few drinks but I felt our "friendship" had developed into something more but wouldn't let myself think about it too much. He then told me how he felt about me and I couldn't believe that he felt for me what I felt for him (but hadn't told him).

Since then, we have been having more of a relationship, rather than a friendship, and it feels so good.

He knows all my past (some people may say this is not a good thing) but our relationship is based on friendship and, after my affair, I feel I would rather be totally honest, communicative, have no secrets because then there is nothing he doesn't know.

He knows my husband (remembers him from when we used to go out on a Friday night pre-wedded) and actually gets on well with him.

I can't believe it sometimes when I look at him - I can't believe I have found someone who makes me feel so secure, so loved, so wanted, such a good person - actually he makes me want to be a better person if you know what I mean. He makes me laugh, we have serious conversations, light hearted conversations, it is all just so good - you wait - I will be writing soon saying it has all gone pear shaped (fingers crossed, it won't - I can't see it will).



My children are so happy - seeing their mum and dad both happy (although sadly not together). I know my eldest DD1 (grown up aged 10) would rather have her mum and dad together and be happy but I am quite honest with her and if me and husband were together we would not be happy. Isn't it better for all the family that everyone is happy even if that means that daddy is not living with us.

DS (aged 6) is just so laid back - very secure in his position in life.

DD2 (aged 19 months) - few problems - another story, long one!!! - is too young to know any different.

I used to get upset at the thought of my DD2 not growing up in a loving family but, actually, she will be growing up in a loving family - it is just that it is not together.

Sorry I have waffled, but I have been through really sh*t times - but believe me, they do get better. They really do. I never, ever thought I would be writing this - I am living proof that you can get through it.

If any thing, I think I have come out a stronger person. It is not something I would want to go through again but I think if it doesn't kill you it does make you stronger. It has certainly made me stronger.

Bugsy · 29/05/2003 15:38

Bumblelion good to hear from you again - you've been very quiet for a while. Glad to hear you are feeling much happier now. Very interesting point about the sort of relationship you would have had if you had stayed with your husband.

sykes · 29/05/2003 15:39

That's a lovely message and am so pleased for you. I'm very confused as to what I want but do think I'd still like to try to make it work for us all. Maybe that's wrong but I don't want to feel that I didn't try everything to see if it could work out. However, as he's living with his friend at the moment it's not exactly on the cards .....

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Bumblelion · 29/05/2003 15:50

Sykes, I was also like you, thinking back about 1 year ago. I was very confused, angry, sad - such a lot of emotions to deal with. I wanted him back, I most certainly did - I wanted to be a family - I never imagined being a single mother to 3 children - but here I am - and I have to say I am so much better off now than when I was with him.

1 year ago I could see he was happy and I thought I never could be - but now I am too. I can look at him as the father of my children but I don't actually have any feelings for him, I don't want to be with him and for me that was a big move in the right direction. It was a bit of revelation the first time I realised I no longer loved him and didn't want to be with him. It took me a long time to get there, but I eventually did and we are all so much happier now.

If you want to make it work, I really honestly hope you and your DH manage to make it - lots of relationships do survive - unfortunately mine didn't - but you have got to be certain it is what you really want and what he really wants. It will be an uphill struggle but I imagine it will be worth it in the end.

As long as you both think it is worth fighting for, then you will get there.

WideWebWitch · 29/05/2003 15:53

Bumblelion, I'm also pleased to hear how happy you are now. Good news.

sykes · 29/05/2003 15:53

thanks - he obviously doesn't as he's living in a flat with his friend. I think I do. I just find it surreal and ridiculous that he's moved in with someone he barely knows after being with me for 13 years. I'm very hurt and rather insulted, not surprisingly. There are so many emotions running around it's very hard to see clearly. Wish I had a crystal ball.

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