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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

Relationships

My husband has left me

169 replies

sykes · 20/05/2003 12:01

Was going to change my name but can't be bothered. In brief, my h has been having an affair for about six months - altho only really "known" the person for two weeks. After two attempts to leave and begging to come back he's now gone and is living with her (she's 26, already married) in a flat. He's 37, married and we have two small daughters - 18 months and 3.5 years. As stupid as I sound I'm trying to believe it's a mid-life crisis and it can be resolved. we've both made mistakes in the past but have had masses of pressure. Or is he just an idiot who thinks he's in love. He's justifying his actions by saying our relationship would never have worked - not true in my eyes and after 13 years don't you expect rough patches? I think I'm hanging on to something that may no longer be there and he's obviously left. But my daughters and I deserve more than a pathetic attempt at repairing our family life. We were such a great couple once. Any advice? HAve managed to drag myself back to work after eight days since he left.

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doormat · 21/05/2003 21:52

All us women are strong and we can cope with anything that is thrown at us. O.K we can be gibbering wrecks for a while but in the end we are the stronger sex.
Final straw came when he told me that he wanted to live with us and lead seperate lives. I had his permission to go elsewhere for sex. I never did cheat. I felt rejected and angry as I had wasted all those years staying with him for the sake of the kids. He flirted with my best friend and she told me. I confronted him and he beat me up (broke ribs and bruises) threatening to kill me while kids in bed. He came at me with furniture and I ducked. He went through a glass door and a couple of his fingers got damaged. Please dont laugh but this is how I felt at the time but he bled all over my brand new carpet and I flipped. I told him to get out, I phoned an ambulance for him and took all the money I had and gave it to paramedic to give to him. I told paramedic to inform him to never come near me again or I would kill him. I phoned the police and told them the same. I had put up with enough. I only realised then that I had never loved him for a long time and that I was better off on my own.

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sykes · 21/05/2003 21:58

Anything I say will sound incredibly flippant - even if I mean it from the hear. All I can say is I admire you tremendously and I can't come even close to what you've been through. I'm so glad you've moved on and I REALLY do admire you and hope you're happy. You are incredibly admirable - which sounds crass but I really mean it.

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doormat · 21/05/2003 21:58

Are you still there sykes?

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doormat · 21/05/2003 22:01

sykes you will find that inner strength. It will come naturally. TBH I think you already have as you are going on holiday and seem to be coping o.k
Men are so selfish aren't they?

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Mum2Toby · 21/05/2003 22:03

Doormat!! How strong are you!!? wow, you have been through so much sh*t! Are you happy now? By your previous posts I feel that you are!

You are a fine example of how life goes on and there is a life for women after violence.... even YEARS of it! Well done.

I admire you and if there was an applause button I'd be pressing it now...... lots!

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sykes · 21/05/2003 22:03

Yes, hope you got my last post. I don't know what to say as I think you must be such a strong person to deal with what you've had to deal with. Women are amazing - I don't mean that in some silly way - but your story has really touched me.

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pupuce · 21/05/2003 22:06

Thinking of you Sykes.... as I've met you in a Pub.... it feels even more real..... Take care of yourself !

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Carmel · 21/05/2003 22:09

To Doormat and Sykes this is my first 2 days on anything like this before. I am now very proud to be a woman, you have made me sad and happy! If you can do that just by writing, God knows what your like in real life! Hang in their you sound like smart well sorted girls!

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doormat · 21/05/2003 22:10

Thanx sykes and mum2toby. We are all capable of getting our lives in order. You can do it too!!! I went straight for a divorce. He tried to weedle his way back in but I was having none of it. I cut up all him clothes and everything he owned and delivered it to him in person.May I say he was not very happy. I was though hee hee.
I am very happy now.

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aloha · 21/05/2003 22:11

Some men are - but my dh was left by his partner because she met a rich man. She left their daughter behind with him so he was a single parent for two years, but allowed her to see her whenever she wanted - even though she often preferred skiing holidays! He even allowed his dd to live with her mum when she finally lived with her rich bloke because he felt a girl needed her mother, even though it broke his heart and she repaid him by trying to take his contact away. So there are nice, decent men out there! And a lot of them are looking for nice, decent women, even if they do have kids. It's hard not to be cynical when you read about men who are just nasty pieces of work like your ex, Doormat. But my god, I admire you for chucking him out and getting your life back.

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sykes · 21/05/2003 22:12

Great. Hope your children are well and happy and with you as a mum they must be.

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WideWebWitch · 21/05/2003 22:12

Thinking of you too sykes and I'm glad you have a lovely nanny. Doormat, thanks for telling us your story and I'm really glad you're happy now.

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doormat · 21/05/2003 22:17

Thanx girls. As for decent men, I got with my dp a few months after this (he was a good friend, his relationship broke up around the same time and we were both crying on eachothers shoulders) He took on my children as his own as ex did not want to know after he realised that I would not take him back.
Please to anyone out there do not stay in relationship for sake of kids. It does not work.
There are lots of decent men out there.

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sykes · 21/05/2003 22:23

I am so glad for you and I know that. The best thing is having such good friends and I must say I am astounded by the kindness of people on this site. Doormat, obviously you know you're not, but goodness me, I think you're amazing.

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Carmel · 21/05/2003 22:27

Sykes if you need a babbysitter in Disley im a very responsible member of society!

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doormat · 21/05/2003 22:28

How are you feeling now sykes? Do you feel any better or do you feel like c**p?
Is there anymore to your story?

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doormat · 21/05/2003 22:28

Carmel have you got a story too?

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juelgaz · 21/05/2003 22:30

hi sykes,
just read your story, and that of others giving you support.
My heart goes out to you and your dds, i hope you have an enjoyable holiday, you deserve it.
Your holiday may give you time to take stock of things, and some thinking time!
One thing that I will say, and will probably not be popular for doing so is, ....
if you really love him, dont give up on him just yet! to me it sounds like a mid life crisis, and at the moment it will seem unforgivable, but believe me, when you do love someone, you do find it in your heart to forgive them.
Have a lovely break, be strong!

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sykes · 21/05/2003 22:30

That is SO kind. Thanks. I must say Disley is lovely. Whereabouts are you?

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sykes · 21/05/2003 22:34

Whoops, Disley. Thanks Jueelz. I need time out. but it's hard. then you think of other peoples' exeperiences and think get a grip. I just get so angry when I see my dds being so upset. They really don't deserve it.

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Carmel · 21/05/2003 22:34

I live in Poynton. I Have an ongoing story (not Violent) just mentally a bit f***d up!

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doormat · 21/05/2003 22:35

Come on then let it all out?

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sykes · 21/05/2003 22:39

Agree with dm - talk about it. I NEVER would have done this time last year. I now consider some peopel here- particularly dm to be an amazingly good friend. Sorry, dm, don't want to overstep boundaries, but THANKS.

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Carmel · 21/05/2003 22:40

Will do in time!

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doormat · 21/05/2003 22:41

sykes that is the hardest thing when you see kids are upset and you are quite right they dont deserve it. I hope you and your dh work things out if that is what you want.

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