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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

Relationships

My husband has left me

169 replies

sykes · 20/05/2003 12:01

Was going to change my name but can't be bothered. In brief, my h has been having an affair for about six months - altho only really "known" the person for two weeks. After two attempts to leave and begging to come back he's now gone and is living with her (she's 26, already married) in a flat. He's 37, married and we have two small daughters - 18 months and 3.5 years. As stupid as I sound I'm trying to believe it's a mid-life crisis and it can be resolved. we've both made mistakes in the past but have had masses of pressure. Or is he just an idiot who thinks he's in love. He's justifying his actions by saying our relationship would never have worked - not true in my eyes and after 13 years don't you expect rough patches? I think I'm hanging on to something that may no longer be there and he's obviously left. But my daughters and I deserve more than a pathetic attempt at repairing our family life. We were such a great couple once. Any advice? HAve managed to drag myself back to work after eight days since he left.

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Holly02 · 21/05/2003 12:33

Have to agree with doormat... I think it's the only way to handle it. PRETEND that you're absolutely fine even if you're not. It's worked for me in the past. There's something about seeing you COPING, that makes them feel differently about you and see you in a different way. Plus I guess you are maintaining your dignity at the same time by not giving him the satisfaction of seeing you so distraught about it. I know it's hard sykes but try to keep your chin up, everything will be fine. All the best.

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aloha · 21/05/2003 12:45

I think that nobody really knows what goes on in someone else's relationship. Why should anyone be influenced on how to live their life and be unhappy apart instead of happy together just to please others. I suppose what I'm trying to say Sykes, is that if he comes crawling back and you still want him, don't let anyone else tell you it's wrong. BUT if you don't that's fine too. If his mother calls and you don't lie to her, it won't be your words that hurt her, it will be his actions. And I agree that if you do want him back, the more independent, in control, and happy you seem the more likely he is to realise the error of his ways. But I do think it's worth pointing out that you still love him (if you still do??) and want him back but won't wait forever.

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sykes · 21/05/2003 12:47

thanks. It's so hard to concentrate and I'm so behind in my work that I felt like sending him an e-mail saying I'd probably have to cancel the holiday I need so much because he's so crap. But I didn't - minor victory, in my head at least ...

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sykes · 21/05/2003 13:09

Am telling him how much the girls are missing him. Is that wrong? I think he should realise that he can't divorce (oh, dear ....) himself from reality which all our friends seem to think he is doing. If he can do this to our girls whom he adores I guess maybe he is madly in love and I should accept it.

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aloha · 21/05/2003 13:26

I think it's totally right and fair to tell him. It's the truth, after all.

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sykes · 21/05/2003 16:10

Having a v bad five minutes - God, I can't believe it's happened and so wish I was going home to supper, kids, some wine and h after a play in the park all together. Then a lovely holiday a week on Saturday.

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Mum2Toby · 21/05/2003 16:31

It'll pass - hang in there! You WILL be happy again, with him or without him. Just look at your lovely children and

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aloha · 21/05/2003 16:37

You are still going on a lovely holiday and will return all bronzed and gorgeous. And your dd's will just love it. Have the best time.

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sykes · 21/05/2003 16:38

I hope so - but have to change air tickets to nanny's name and I'm having massive problems not phoning him and saying do you really not want to come and see if we can work things out. Completely wrong thing to do but am rather pathetic this afternoon.

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aloha · 21/05/2003 16:43

Well, I wouldn't. His girlfriend wouldn't let him anyway. I'd go, clear your head, think about your life and enjoy the girls (even if he did go, you'd probably have an awful atmosphere for them, don't you think?). They'll adore having their nanny around to play with and you can go to the spa etc etc and have lovely massages so you feel pampered, calm and looked-after, which you deserve. Let him miss the girls and think about the lovely holiday he could have had with you.

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RockingRosebud · 21/05/2003 16:49

Agree with doormat who doesn't sound like a doormat to me?

Hopey great to hear from you on this thread, how are you doing?

Rhiannon

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sykes · 21/05/2003 16:51

Thanks, I know. Just a bit sad today - probably pressure of work doesn't help. I sound such a sad case today - as my therapist said yesterday, ups and downs, I seem to have gone through the denial stage, anger next. Grrrrrrr.

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hopey · 21/05/2003 18:14

The range of emotions I have gone through has astounded me. You will feel positive one day, and full of despair another. I have seen ex-dp today and have felt completely calm and not bothered about him and the girlfriend, yet the other day I was in bits. Sykes, I know how your feeling. Hang in there. You are so strong. Enjoy your holiday. A change of scene with your kids will help. He's the one missing out. Just think, he may have someone else, yet you have your children. I know if I was in his position which one I would really want.

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Chinchilla · 21/05/2003 18:22

Sykes - you are amazing! You sound so together. The comment about almost wanting to beg him to go on holiday to sort things out really made me feel sad for you. Has he said anything about how he is feeling about leaving? Has he intimated that it was the wrong thing to do?

I too think that if he wants to come back, and you want him, then there is nothing wrong in allowing it. However, it should be on your terms, not his. Good luck. Keep posting. We are all here for you.

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tinyfeet · 21/05/2003 18:37

Sykes, Forgive me for being blunt, and I haven't read this whole thread, but your dh sounds like a complete a*hole to me. As I see it, you are feeling a bit guilty since it sounds like he was a good husband and father when he was around. You are also missing him obviously. The fact remains, however, that he has left you and your precious young DDS for a younger woman. In my book, he defines A*hole. I know it will be hard, but you should just move forward and try to enjoy your vacation without him. Pamper yourself, and you will meet someone else someday. Move on girl! Good luck!! HOpe this wasn't unduly harsh. Be strong!!

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doormat · 21/05/2003 19:38

Sykes go on holiday without him and just ENJOY yourself and your time away with your dd's.

Rockinrosebud-thanx for the lovely comment.

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sykes · 21/05/2003 20:33

Thanks - good advice as usual, Aloha, and everyone else. Feel better for NOT saying anything - just gets hard sometimes. I am SO glad I've posted here. Lots of friends calling which is so good and I am v lucky in so many ways - great dds, the main thing. My nanny is THE BEST and is determined we'll have a great time on holidays. She saw him this evening and he doesn't seem remotely upset, she says, despite the fact he only saw them for one hour and my eldest wouldn't kiss him goodbye - his loss.

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sykes · 21/05/2003 20:34

Agree - why Doomat - you're obviously anything but. Glad things are good for you.

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sobernow · 21/05/2003 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doormat · 21/05/2003 21:00

Thanx Sykes, TBH I know how you are feeling coz I have been there. Just hang on in there and keep your chin up. You are not alone there are lots of people here to help and I am here for you and anyone else. Take care if you would like to chat tonight just give me the word.

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sykes · 21/05/2003 21:17

Thanks. Just been looking at family photos - dotted around the house and it's just SO strange that he's there smiling in such a loving way with me/dds and yet he's buggered off to fullfill what? I guess it's v hard to get your hard round it. How did you cope?

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sykes · 21/05/2003 21:18

Meant head, obviously.

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doormat · 21/05/2003 21:29

sykes it was a choice of having too!!. I was left with with 2 dd's the first time and 8 months preg with another dd. I took him back after 4 months. She was just a fling. I heard all the bulls* that he was bored, didnt know if he loved me etc etc etc.
Something "died" inside me when he left. I only took him back as I felt that no-one would want me with 3 children and for the sake of the children. I never trusted him again and lived a miserable existence with him. He was very violent towards me too. He did it a couple of more times and kept on taking him back. By this time I had 4th child.
I will tell you about final straw in a minute.

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sykes · 21/05/2003 21:31

I don't know what to say. You must be incredibly strong to get through that. I feel rather pathetic now as I'm sure I couldn't cope with that or anything near it. 2dds and pregnant.

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sykes · 21/05/2003 21:52

Doormat, if you're still there - what was the final straw? Hope I'm not intruding.

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