How many women are just making do with their partner- is it common?

[strawpoll]

I am in a real dliemma. I always knew when I got married that my H was not the "perfect man", not that such a person exists- know that!

However, I chose to go ahead mainly out of fear of being alone, after being hurt a lot in my 20s, endlessly it seemed, and because he gave me some of what I wanted/needed. I did like him, but wasn't sure if it was love. It was a safe option, tbh.

Now, many years on and 2 grown up DCs later, I realise it was a mistake, and I should not have married for those reasons.

Mentally, he doesn't turn me on and I only feel half-alive, if that makes sense- we have a few things in common but not alot and he is a very quiet, solitary person, who doesn't need friends ( has none) or much communication _ I am the opposite- I write and communication is what makes me tick.

He is a good man and I feel very secure, but I can really take him orleave him. My conscience says I should go, but I know heloves me a lot and doesn't want this- if he felt the same, it would be over quickly.

I am weighing up the odds- I'd be a lot poorer, I wouldn't have a "friend" which is really how I see him, my DCs would have divorced parents, and I may never meet anyone else.

I know that no-one can tell me what to do, but so many of my friends say that a lot of marriages are like this and it's "normal". Is it?

what you said about your mum,strawpoll.....can see why you don't want that scenario!! however,i think alot of men in their 70's are like that!! i look around at the older couples i know or live by,and you're right,its a bloody scary thought that we could all end up with a 'Victor Meldrew' of our own one day!!

blueshoes, you're implying that her dh has made a great sacrifice over the last 20 years and she has benefited. they BOTH have. he has children which i presume she has brought up, had a lovely home and i'm sure she has done the majority of the housework. she has devoted herself to him and the dc's for 20 years.

yes, she has enjoyed benefits, AS HAS HE.

now she wants to enjoy the rest of her life the way she wants.

we're not infallible. does that mean we have to endure a life sentence? can nothing ever get rectified?

blueshoes- I hope that as you grow older you will develop a little humility.

Disregarding my own situation, are you saying that anyone who is in a marriage should stick with it, to avoid hurting the partner, even though they know it is wrong- it doesn't really matter whether the doubt was there before the wedding , or 5, 10 or 30 years down the line?

Have you never opted out of any relationship yourelf? Is your conscience clear?

You are basically saying "You made your bed, lie on it."
Well, that's one breathtakingly callous response, but it's also very narrow minded.

I am sure that my H , or any DH/DW would rather be on his/her own or free to meet someone else, than tied to a partner whose feelings for him were ambivalent and yes, we have discussed this, and yes, that's is opinion.

Am surprised by some of the negative comments on this thread.

Strawpol to answer your original question, I think a lot of couples, men and women, just make do with their partners, I think it is quite common actually.

I don't think that makes it all right though.

Sounds like you and your husband just don't 'click'. For some people that's ok, it's not the most important thing for them, but for others, like you, it is a big deal and therefore you have a right to question your relationship.

You only get one life, imo you might as well do what makes you ultimately more content and 'happy' (for lack of a better word), and if you are not entirely content in the situation you are in right now, then you and only you can change that, possibly by divorce as a starting point.

Actually, scrap my first sentance, I am not surprised at all.

op I've not read all of the thread and from some of the posts I've scanned I imagine my opinion will be a minority one but here goes.

It's unrealistic to think a partner can meet all your needs but I do strongly believe there needs to be that spark there. I don't believe in making do, I do think passion and intimacy and stimulation can work long term.

Thatfeeling of desolation and lonliness you describe will only get worse imo and lead to bitterness and resentment. You are entitled to a fulfilling maybe even an exciting relationship. I've got friends who've left stable, solid, steady dependable men/relationships for this very reason and are now happier single/with another man.

I do also believe in making effort for your partner too, on both sides call me old fashioned or anti-feminist if you will. Dh knows I can't be as "exotic" if you like as when we first met but I try my best to dress well, keep my figure, not morph into frumpiness I suppose and have intersting things to talk about apart from dd.

He makes an effort too, good clothes (with a lot of input from me!) and lots of fitness and excercise to keep his (v fine) physique.

The lack of communication and the quietness are things I've encountered in previous relationships before and have made me end them, a general lack of effort and motivation that can drive you mad!!

I know I differ from others on here and I must admit I'm not really one for compromise but it's just how we as a couple choose to be that's all and I think you are entitled to that too, as is anyone at whatever stage of their life.

Oh for goodness sake blueshoes, what a warped philosophy you have.

If someone makes a mistake and then realises it down the line, then yes they alone are responsible for changing it, but changing it can involve leaving someone you married even if it will make that person unhappy.

Just like srawpol is responsible for her life, and by that her feelings too, her husband is responsible for his life and his feelings. If he is hurt by the breakup then it is up to him to deal with those emotions, not up to strawpol to have to.

We cannot live our lives according to how other people may feel or react. Ultimately our own happiness is more important.

strawpoll, the refrain in my head is yes, "you've made your bed ...".

In your position, I would probably leave your dh. As I am sure you have made up your mind to do. Then again, I would not have led him on for 20 years. It is possible to understand why you want to do something yet at the same time not think it is right to treat your dh that way. There is no get-out-of-jail-free card. You gambled and ultimately lost.

BTW, I am pretty old myself and been through a fair few relationships before meeting dh quite late in life.

I would never make do I just have to look at my parents to see why! I have been in a half baked relationship and an amazing one(now) and I can tell you being free and single is so good that only something fantastic is worth giving that up for

The view that is not adequately represented on this thread is those of people who have NOT settled for their partners. Those who have waited against the ticking clock for the Right One. Or who have cut their losses quickly when they realised their mistake.

Those who have found the right chemistry are diplomatically low key in their response on this thread.

But that does not mean that there aren't many couples out there who believe they are with their partner for life. I feel very sorry for the OP and her dh. It is an untenable situation.

warthog, when I married my dh, I did not just want his sperm or to be able to raise my children in a conventional family unit. I love my dcs and I also love my dh.

After 2 decades of raising a family, I want to be able to enjoy the rest of my years with dh in our old age with grandchildren. In my most selfish thoughts, I want to die before dh, because I cannot envisage a life without him.

I only feel half alive. Dear Strawpoll my suggestion to you is to firstly concentrate on yourself and build up your self esteem. When you feel even better about yourself, you will think in a positive way and it will either help your relationship, or you will feel much stronger to make a decision.

OrmIrian. FFS no we are not programmed to be monogamous. If we were, there wouldn't be such a big fuss about it, so much propaganda in favour of it, and so much justification for the brutal (yes, brutal - violent assaults are still seen as understandable and justifiable on a person who breaches monogamy)) enforcement of it. There isn't a huge industry telling us to keep breathing, or sleeping. While short-term monogamy suits probably just about the majority of people, many others get no satisfaction from it; some prefer casual relationships, others polyamory, and others celibacy.

That is what I meant by 'programmed'. Programmed by our culture not by nature.

blueshoes I owe you an apology. I think I completely misinterpreted some of your earlier posts and actually you make some very valid points. Sorry.

Orm I agree, I would say our culture programmes us to think monogamy is the only right way to live. Agree with SGB too.

I've been reading this thread with interest and hope this is a balanced view. I've been married for 25 years too, but for us, the chemistry was always there from the start and it is greater now than it has ever been.

There were periods within those years when it was not so though - and I also questioned whether my DH really understood me. I think a lot of long marriages go through those phases, but throughout them I can remember recalling the intensity of when we first met and the feeling of "rightness" about this man. I didn't have a single doubt about marrying and nor did he, even though we were pretty young.

The big difference here it seems is that Strawpoll did have doubts all those years ago. She has tried to live with those doubts and for a while, when they were both immersed in careers and/or child-raising, it was probably easy to chug along. I suspect that for you Strawpoll, whenever you have felt that there must be something more for you than this, the difficulty has been that you have viewed this from the perspective of always having had doubts. The opposite of me, really, in that when ever I have had doubts, I've had the vivid recollections of my absolute certainty that my DH was perfect for me.

I do absolutely think that couples can regain their chemistry. For us, it took a catalytic event to shake us up and now, I can safely say that we are in love with one another again, as well as loving eachother deeply. My experience has almost made me evangelical about long-married couples regaining that spark, because I now know that no-one should live in a marriage that has lost its passion and desire. It's only half a life - and we all deserve more than that.

I'm afraid I don't agree with the belief though that we shouldn't take others' feelings into consideration in our actions. Strawpoll has made a tragic (for both of them) mistake, but the measure of a person is how they remedy matters. If you really think Strawpoll that you cannot reignite your marriage, the right course of action for both of you is to bring this marriage to an end. No-one should have to live in this sort of half-life and it takes a brave person to hold their hands up and say they got it wrong. I do think that this should be done however with great consideration for the man's feelings - and those of their children.

With luck, the reward for such bravery will be a partner for Strawpoll who understands her, makes her spirits soar and connects with her mind. And the reward for the DH will be a partner who never has doubts about him and who will love him with all her being.

I wish you luck and courage Strawpoll.

I agree that I think long term monogamy is overvalued.
I had a friend who always slagged her husband off and hadn't wanted to have sex for years. He left her to live with another woman and went mental and was bitter about it for years which seemed rather dog in the manger to me. She didn't want him but she didn't want anyone else to have him either and felt that he should have stayed with her because of the marriage vows even though she treated him abysmally and ignored the love and cherish bit of a christian marriage ceremony.
She seemed much keener on the idea of monogamy than the practicalities, and wasn't keen on people pointing out she'd been moaning about how she'd love to be rid of him for years.

Orm: Sorry, misunderstood you (I am used to the argument that monogamy is 'naturally programmed' into human beings, which is of course bollocks).

No hard feelings, Overmydeadbody . I realise I won't be loved on here.

No problems.

See the thing is that most of the time I would rather be single. DH and I bumble along together OK and we are very good friends and I love him dearly - but not in any passionate soul-matey sort of way. And sometimes I feel that caring about 3 DC is quite enough without having to worry about how he is and what he needs/wants. I feel that what we give each other could be done quite well without being a married couple and without being under the same roof. However, the expectations that we will stay together forever are so strong. Not just from him, but from his family, my family, our friends. And people would expect there to be some awful event that had precipitated this 'disaster' when from my POV it wouldn't be a disaster at all just a change of state. And these reactions would turn it into a disaster with repercussions for years and years. (I know our families too well ). All too bloody messy to even contemplate. I am simply not that unhappy (actually not unhappy at all really) And all because monogamy is the way the truth and the light .

I am so not an idealist in a lot of ways, but in love, I don't know what it is. Long term monogamy, or pairing for life, is the only thing worth giving up singlehood for IMO.

Strawpoll, you wanted examples. I give you that of my parents. A negative example if there ever was of why not to settle. My father married my mother because it was that time in his life to settle down and she was a pretty catch who thought the world of him. My mother was not his intellectual or emotional equal.

I don't think I know a person who was lonelier in his marriage than my father, though he would never discuss it with us. I understand his frustration. My mother was lonely too, but her needs for chemistry were lower. My father was no angel, he had his affairs, and my mother threatened divorce but she told me he would never divorce her because of the family (she was right).

Fast forward 40+ years' later. The children are grown and long flown the nest. My parents are now in their seventies. I would not be surprised if they announced they were divorcing but instead they seem to have made their peace and found a compromise under one roof. My mother has just nursed my father through a life saving op. He told my brother confidentially that if he did not make it through the op, he would die happy because he has led a full life. But his only thought was who would look after my mother after his death.

I am not sure what is the point of this story nor holding it out as something to emulate. I guess these are two people who did make their bed. And they are going to stick it out for life with dignity.

I guess the point I am trying to make of my parents' marriage is that my father put his family over his own needs and then when the children were grown up, honoured his responsibility and debt of gratitude to my mother who raised them.

They are of a different culture and time and place. You don't see that often.

Strawpol

mmmm.... I feel exactly the same. My H is everything that you could want in a man... so why do I feel so alone? I do have issues myself and have had counselling for this but didnt really make me feel better about my relationship. Is it a question of making do or the fact that he ticks most of the boxes but the ones he doesnt tick leave me feeling deflated and I think is this it is this my life.

At the moment we are living far away from family and friends so no support, two young children and he is working away for part of the week. Last night I broke down in tears on the phone and told him I cant do this anymore its too hard. Today I feel tired!

any comments would be welcome. X

Blueshoes: you seem to be making the mistake a lot of people make WRT sexuality and human relationships: you think that the way of doing it that works best for you is what everyone else ought to be doing, and they resist following your example out of sheer badness. Monogamy, for instance, is no more inherently admirable than any other fetish (I draw the distinction here between wanting a monogamous relationship and actively decieving other people). It's not how many sexual partners a person has that defines that person's goodness, it's how the sexual partners are treated - 'He wouldn't look at another woman' is no justification for staying with an abuser, or even a lazy selfish cocklodger.

Remember, monogamous marriage suits men very well indeed, so they have designed a society that for centuries made it almost unavoidable for women - women being unable to own property, or being property themselves, women who didn't marry being pretty much unable to earn money and therefore having to depend on relatives...
It's not that much of a coincidence that, since women (at least in the western world) achieved full human status and economic autonomy, the True Love propaganda has stepped up the pace - women don't need to choose one man to protect them against other men and feed and house them in return for unquestioning submission any more and, what a surprise, more and more women are deciding that they don't want to be one man's domestic servant and brood mare, so now the pressure is all, oh, but you won't be fulfilled unless you service a man.