How many women are just making do with their partner- is it common?

[strawpoll]

I am in a real dliemma. I always knew when I got married that my H was not the "perfect man", not that such a person exists- know that!

However, I chose to go ahead mainly out of fear of being alone, after being hurt a lot in my 20s, endlessly it seemed, and because he gave me some of what I wanted/needed. I did like him, but wasn't sure if it was love. It was a safe option, tbh.

Now, many years on and 2 grown up DCs later, I realise it was a mistake, and I should not have married for those reasons.

Mentally, he doesn't turn me on and I only feel half-alive, if that makes sense- we have a few things in common but not alot and he is a very quiet, solitary person, who doesn't need friends ( has none) or much communication _ I am the opposite- I write and communication is what makes me tick.

He is a good man and I feel very secure, but I can really take him orleave him. My conscience says I should go, but I know heloves me a lot and doesn't want this- if he felt the same, it would be over quickly.

I am weighing up the odds- I'd be a lot poorer, I wouldn't have a "friend" which is really how I see him, my DCs would have divorced parents, and I may never meet anyone else.

I know that no-one can tell me what to do, but so many of my friends say that a lot of marriages are like this and it's "normal". Is it?

Strawpoll, I am in the same position.

I have 2 young dc's and i am so confused.

I KNOW there is more out there and i married for the same reasons as you. we have been together for 10yrs. i have felt like this for 3 or 4.

i want him to say its over - i have done that and then tried to work at things a few times now. he wont go to counselling.

i will be blamed and everyone will side with him as he is such a 'good guy' but there is no spark. nothing. and it really upsets me.

i dont know what to do or where to begin.

My view is that you only get one life. Think of yourself at 80, would you want to be looking back on your life saying I wish I had left. Or would you be feeling glad that you didn't.

For me, you only regret what you don't do. I was with someone who I could have spent the rest of my life with, he would have wanted that, except I wasn't happy. I felt I would be settling for a relationship that in many ways was wrong. I left in the knowledge that I might not meet anyone else, might not find anyone better, but in that case I felt it still was no bad thing - because I knew I could and would be happy on my own. Which I now am. And even if I never meet anyone else, I will still have done the right thing for me - and also for my Ex.

personally i think it wrong to stay with someone because you are scared of the financial implications. If it isnt working, dont stay in the comfort zone. I split up from my ex and we had an extremely comfy lifestyle. He did the dirty on me and i decided to plunge myself into absolute poverty, in fact i actually paid him to go. I felt it was a FAIR thing to. He had lived at my house for 8 years and contributed to my bills so i decided that i would have a clearer conscience if i helped him get established. Money and comfort should not come before happiness. Loneliness is a difficult one to address

I read up to her comment and beyond. A lot of posters thought she meant something which she did not.

Why on earth should strawpoll be sorry she started this thread?

The broad spectrum of honest opinions and sincere, well-meaning advice is what MN is all about.

Clearly, (in answer to your original question) Strawpoll, it is very common.

What's not so easy to answer though - is what to do about it.

Yet another very interesting thread - diverting me from the very real and present duties but hey ho

Strawpoll, I totally understand you and can see exactly how you would end up in this type of relationship and I reckon there are many many more.

I wonder though how you managed to make 20 years - well done.

I don't really look to my husband for anything I don't think. We both have our own interests and when we do get a night together we chat chat chat chat chat and laugh and have a great time (most of the time) but it doesn't happen that often given the small children and time constraints.

But I don't feel lonely because I don't feel lonely - not because he makes me feel not lonely - do you know what I mean. Probably not, not sure I do myself.

Essentially though I think we probably do get each other and the spark is definitley there - although - I think maybe our spark is a bit too bright and I think maybe it will burn us out as the spark also ends in awful arguments and things go from zero to 100 in a blink of an eye.

So, our unhappiness, the cause of my tears at bedtime and my sadness doesn't come from his lack of getting me but just because we're not easy people to get along with.

I suppose all that I wanted to say was that no matter what relationship you are in you have your own set of issues - i.e. lack of sex, too much sex, too much passion, too little passion, blahdeblah. It just so happens that your problem is that your husband doesn't get you.

And maybe you'll find someone who gets you - and that would be great but that doesn't mean you will live in happiness because you will just end up with another trouble from some other area.

Unless of course your one of those unicorn relationships in which everything is just perfection.

I certainly don't want to say that you could get what your looking for from clubs and stuff, but you could maybe stop thinking about what you aren't getting from your husband and start deciding on what exactly is missing and then start focussing very closely on how you can get whatever it is. If you keep focussing on the solution then you might just find one - but if you keep focussing on the problem then your problems will just get bigger and bigger.

whatever you end up doing - good luck

"I suppose all that I wanted to say was that no matter what relationship you are in you have your own set of issues - i.e. lack of sex, too much sex, too much passion, too little passion, blahdeblah. It just so happens that your problem is that your husband doesn't get you.

And maybe you'll find someone who gets you - and that would be great but that doesn't mean you will live in happiness because you will just end up with another trouble from some other area.

Unless of course your one of those unicorn relationships in which everything is just perfection."

bloodyright - bloody right! This is just what I was trying to say a few pages back, but you've put it so much better.

This thread has been really encouraging, because sometimes I wonder is it just me? Am I just ungrateful, should I be content with this? And sometimes I CAN be content with what I have, until the memory of what is possible creeps back because something reminds me, and then I get sad.

you settled for getting by and deceived him
and cheated yourself of chance of meeting someone more suitable

actually think you have been grossly deceitful and unfair for your husband.you suggest for him it was love match, but you knowingly chose companionship over passion

at least you made your choice (albeit a foolish one) did your dh have a choice or did he feel it was real thing

am struggling to feel empathy for you

scottishmummy, not everyone marries for passion. It's one of a number of reasons for getting paired up. Or sometimes there are many reasons, and some wither and die during the course of a relationship.

ok so dont marry for passion.but dont knowingly deceive someone, or allow them to think it is real deal

if a man posted this, about his 20year marriage, knowingly having chosen companionship as driving reason.the mn jury would be apoplectic.

op has cheated herself of life she could have had, life she probably yearns for

Hi Strawpoll, haven't read the whole thread but I understand some of how you feel.

I have only felt half alive for a while, stayed with dh because of 2 DC's & the thought I didn't want them to have divorced parents. I too weighed up the same options, less money, being a lone parent but the final clinch was I knew I didn't love him anymore despite the fact he is a good man. His behaviour over the years have left my love for him seeping away until now there's nothing left.

So yes I have left him & currently in the throes of finding somewhere to live etc. But when I told him, I was so relieved & don't regret my decision.

Scottishmummy, women in particular are still often quite strongly advised to marry for security, companionship, etc and to regard passion as a bit silly and self-indulgent - just think of all the guff you hear about 'mature' relationships being not based on icky sex at all, but about shared visits to Homebase and living through your children. It;s no wonder a lot of women fall for it and then wake up 10 or 20 years later and wonder just why they have felt obliged to spend their lives cooking and cleaning and lying there while sex is had with them.

Also in the same position and totally getting what you are saying.

I do not rely on my DH for my happiness. But he has become increasingly quiet in his old age (nearly 50). I, on the other hand, want to have fun, to laugh and do fun things. He wants to watch TV and has confessed that he is happy working, then just coming home and watching TV.

The thought that keeps crossing my mind is that when DD has left home, do I want to be stuck with this man? No I don't. But how this will end (and it will end) I don't know. Life is short, there are lots of sparky, buzzy people out there. I do NOT want to watch TV for the rest of my life.

Sorry, no real advice, but lots and lots of empathy. Try and work out what you actually want. Would you be happy alone? I know I would be fine. Would you be upset if DH had an affair...I would be delighted.

Anyway, GL!

Scottishmummy - Strawpoll is looking back over her 20 years and with the benefit of hindsight making a judgement. I'm sure Strawpoll has been guilty of self deception as much as anything else.

People change, what they want from life changes. I always think its more amazing that people stay together for 40 or 50 years than they split up after 20.

Interestingly, the Telegraph had an article on this very subject on Sunday, seems to be an increasing trend - 50 plus women splitting with their partners. Mainly due to the men at that stage of their lives being happy to let life sweep over them while women want to go and grab life with both hands.

I suppose women feel a lot more freedom with their empty nest and want to make use of it whereas men might not have felt so tied down by their children due to having been less involved in the daily drudge of housework and the organising of childcare etc.

I think Strawpoll's situation is very common. I think there are a lot of people who are dissatisfied with their partner at varying points in their relationship. Equally the very same dissatisfied people are at other points in the very same relationship pretty happy.

People in general are sometimes happy and sometimes sad. Its usually easier to blame your unhappiness on your partner as it means you don't have to take responsibility for your own unhappiness.

oh - and thanks Cheerfulvicky, at least I make sense to someone out there!!

Fizzfiend you are me... my bf is 50 this nov and he loves his job,loves tv and fishing(yawn yawn) Never wants to go for a drink as he doesnt drink. Doesnt ever occur to him that i might like to go out, just once in a blue moon. Only time i go out is to badminton or if i go up to caarvan. He just goes to nearby lake and i end up sat in the van in the rain or go for walks alone along the canal.
I want to have fun too, go out and do mad things and have lots of holidays even if they are cheaper ones, as i am not ready to sit in front of the tv and vegetate. Maybe when i cant walk or i am brain dead. Give me strength.
like you dont know what the future is going to bring. I am 53 but i really dont feel it and nor do i want to act it.Not h
]that there is anything wrong withbeing 53,there isnt, but come on ,its not tv dinner age yet

I am overwhelmed by the interest this thread has caused- far beyond what i imagined.

I can'tpossibly respond to every singlepost made, but there are a few points I'd like to make.

First, no-one has said anything that has not passed through my mind in my 25 years of marriage, and my constant-re-appraisal of my situation.

Some of you show enormous empathy and do "get me" and my feelings; others are a million miles away.

I will try to be brief, but what I do take from all of this is:

I know that by ending the relationship I may end up alone and there is no guarantee I would find anyone else. I need to accept that as the likely outcome.

I know that if I was to find another man, he would tick some of the unticked boxes, but not tick the ones that are already ticked.

I know that what is most important to me is having the right boxes ticked, not all of them. My analysis has to be around which boxes, not all the boxes.

These boxes change as the years go by, as we change.

When I married at almost 30, I had lived an independent life as a career woman, many miles from my family. I did have a strong urge to be a mum, and knew time was running out- 25 years back 35 was old to have children - opinions on this and science has moved on a bit.

When I first met my DH i was "in love" with him, and wanted nothing else than to be with him. But after around 18 months-2 years the gloss started to wear off and I was not so sure if he "got me". I met other men, quite by accident who I liked a lot, and that threw me. At that point, DH proposed. I accpeted on the basis that I had felt very strongly for him, and was sure that the feelings would return once we were married.
However, over the years my unease has grown, not diminished. I am not the person I was at 30, I am more confident, wiser, and realise life is short.

Scottish mummy- I am sorry to single you out but there has been no deceit as you describe. I have tried very hard to make my marriage work, even when I had opportunites to leave ( men I met who liked me a lot.) I take issue with the idea that I married for companionship rather than passion; even if I did, it would be no bad thing; how many marriages fail after the passion/lust dimininshes? In fact, many would advocate that friendship is the best basis for marriage. You also make the assumption that my DH had no knowledge of how I felt- that is untrue.

I don't think it is fair to say that aman would be slated for saying the same thing. I think there must be millions of marriages where the feelings are not equal, and where one partner is not sure whether to hang on in there or not. Gender is irrelevant.

The situation was brought home to me when I recently visited my parents; all my mother did was nag my father. She has been fed-up with so many things about him- ironically his solitariness, like my DH- that she was considering divorce at 70+, but decided that she could not give up her home etc etc. I don't want to be like that in 20 years' time.

Thanks everyone for your insights. I won't post again, as I am aware that not everyone agree with me, and it is hurtful to be slagged off here, though the kind comments nad empathy is great.

strawpoll, i think i understand where you're at.

this stage of your life is about YOU isn't it? your job with the kids is done and now you get to enjoy your life again without so many responsibilities. your dh is supposed to enjoy this with you, but if you feel you don't connect, what's the point?

you've certainly stayed long enough to give your dc's a good upbringing and have put yourself on the back burner for a long time.

i don't think it's about potentially meeting someone else, but living alone has got to be better than what you're experiencing. there's that saying 'never so lonely as in a crowd.'

i'm not in your situation, but if i were i would ask for a trial separation of perhaps 3 months.

you've obviously done a lot of thinking and now i think it's time to see how you both really feel if you're not living together.

strawpoll, I totally understand about not 'clicking' with someone. And that is specific in terms of chemistry with a particular person. It is either there or not, you cannot work to bring it about.

I read what scottishmummy said and your explanation.

At the point when your dh proposed, you say you liked other men but you accepted your dh on the basis that you had liked him in the past and that those feelings would return.

Why did you not decline and go with one of the other men instead? You deliberately made a compromise 20 years' ago in accepting your dh's proposal.

You wanted a family and sacrificed chemistry with your partner on the alter of that. You can hardly be surprised that 20 years later, your dh is still much the same man and you have the same needs.

In a sense, I can understand why you are now spreading your wings because 'clicking' is important to me too. But bear in mind, those 20 years you had used your dh for the purpose of giving you a family and now that is done, you are looking out for yourself.

Tbh, I cannot understand why you made that compromise. It would have been kinder to let your dh go 20 years ago, than now when he is about the enjoy the final decades of his life.

You realise you are very much responsible for the situation you find yourself in. I am sorry to sound harsh. I can understand your feelings, at the same time, I don't entirely condone them.

blueshoes- even though I said I would not post again, I have to answer you points.

""Why did you not decline and go with one of the other men instead? You deliberately made a compromise 20 years' ago in accepting your dh's proposal.""

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If we all made the right decisons in life at the right time, all of the time, the world would be a wonderful place for mankind- no wars, no divorces, no sorrow.

I have no defence. I made what I thought was the right decision at the time,on balance, even though I did have doubts. I thought that once we were married, my feelings would return as strongly as they had. I knew that "on paper" my DH was a good man, and after many years in the wilderness after being jilted at 20, it seemd as if it was the right thing to do.

I don't think you are being harsh- just lacking in understanding and expecting humans to be infallible.

strawpoll, you made a mistake as a human 20 years ago, but your dh will pay for it if you leave him now 20 years later.

In hindsight as you say, it was the wrong decision. But it is how you deal with the consequences of that decision that determines your character.

Blueshoes: If she'd shot him rather than marrying him 20 years ago she'd be out of prison by now. He's had 20 years of her, surely if she now feels she wants to move on, she's entitled to her life.
ANd he won't die from his marriage ending. He'll quite possibly find that he feels lighter and happier once he's no longer engaged in a constant low-level struggle to 'make' her love him, for instance.
ALso, I don;t think, really, that the decision to marry a 'good' person and have a family with that person rather than holding out for the Perfect Partner (who doesnt really exist anyway) is so immoral. It;s what the majority of people do. No one is entitled to keep another partner in a relationship that partner wishes to leave.

ahhhh, but SGB, you probably don't believe in marriage anyway.

BLueshoes: I do, actually. I am all in favour of people wanting to make public, lasting commitments to one another, whatever form that takes (I don't think that heterosexual monogamous marriage is the only option, that's all).
But I don't see how one person is entitled to keep their contentment (ie the OP's H) when the price of it is another person's grinding misery. If a person is unhappy in a relationship, it's OK to end it. IN fact it's better to end it, as amicably as possible, than spend years hating th other person more and more.

Everything you say SGB makes perfect sense to me but I can't help thinking we are programmed to be monogamous - otherwise why do the majority of long-term relationships end acrimoniously or at least uncomfortably? Maybe our culture needs to get a bit more grown-up before we can accept anything other than life-long sexual exclusiveness as the ultimate ideal.

I agree with SGB. I think our society still values the length of a marriage over it's quality and having 3 10 year happy marriages is still seen as being somehow not as good as having a getting by "working at it" "making the best of things" "sticking to your marriage vows" 30 year relationship.
These days your marriage vows can say what you wish anyway so telling someone they aren't sticking to their marriage vows seems a bit bonkers if you don't know what those vows are.
My husband and I didn't vow to stay together until we died. I don't want my husband to feel being married to me is like some sort of prison sentence and if he would rather separate would like him to tell me. You only get 1 life. We still got married for the legal and financial framework, plus we were publicly declaring ourself a couple. I don't see why this has to be seen as "best" if you only do it once thoug, although if you get married and then separate a year or so later you do end up looking as though you never really engaged your brain in the relationship.
Being on your own can get boring though and I wouldn't get divorced expecting you'll meet a magic man who'll totally fulfill you for the rest of your life.