How many women are just making do with their partner- is it common?

[strawpoll]

I am in a real dliemma. I always knew when I got married that my H was not the "perfect man", not that such a person exists- know that!

However, I chose to go ahead mainly out of fear of being alone, after being hurt a lot in my 20s, endlessly it seemed, and because he gave me some of what I wanted/needed. I did like him, but wasn't sure if it was love. It was a safe option, tbh.

Now, many years on and 2 grown up DCs later, I realise it was a mistake, and I should not have married for those reasons.

Mentally, he doesn't turn me on and I only feel half-alive, if that makes sense- we have a few things in common but not alot and he is a very quiet, solitary person, who doesn't need friends ( has none) or much communication _ I am the opposite- I write and communication is what makes me tick.

He is a good man and I feel very secure, but I can really take him orleave him. My conscience says I should go, but I know heloves me a lot and doesn't want this- if he felt the same, it would be over quickly.

I am weighing up the odds- I'd be a lot poorer, I wouldn't have a "friend" which is really how I see him, my DCs would have divorced parents, and I may never meet anyone else.

I know that no-one can tell me what to do, but so many of my friends say that a lot of marriages are like this and it's "normal". Is it?

SGB, I grew up in a non-abusive household, so I cannot comment on how growing up in such an environment might have affected me.

It boils down to self-esteem and a sense of self-determination. My parents' marriage was sterile, I had a few disastrous relationships. What kept me out of troublesome relationships was the belief that I could forge a way alone (yes, singlehood) rather than be coupled to a life-sucking relationship.

I agree that holding up coupledom as the holy grail does a lot of people a disservice. It was obvious to me (maybe from my parents' failed marriage) that being alone is better than being in an unhappy relationship. But nothing beats being in a happy relationship .

I want that for everybody. Hence I really don't think settling is a good idea.

I can see how growing up in a neglectful and dysfunctional environment can flatten your self-esteem and distort your ability to make sound judgments about relationships.

Short and sweet, here's my simple thoughts as someone who's been together with same person 15years.

Only leave if you can get your head round the fact you might never meet your soulmate.
Go and be happy alone if that's right for you. See your friends, go to your clubs etc but be sure that you are happy in yourself by yourself without your husband. Chicken and egg scenario. How will you know? Only you can answer that. None of these strangers can do that for you I'm afraid.

Then, if the elusive Mr Right does appear at your door with a red rose beween his teeth and abottle of wine, marvellous. If not, hopefully you will be happier in full control of the Tv remote anyway.
I suppose you need to quantify how unhappy (wrong word I know) you are somehow.

My parents had what could be fairly described as a difficult marriage. But after his sudden death approaching 2 years ago I have watched my Mum leap with joy at the freedom of new experiences and weep as she turns round to share it with the empty chair.

Make your choice bravely. I wish you well.

Great post which is really hitting a nerve and is comforting because I am going through a similar experience. Although my ds is only one. I think I am going to bail, which ever way I look at it I don't think I can find happiness and I can't make do. The only reason I would consider staying is so that my ds does not have a 'broken' home environment to contend with and my heart breaks for him when I think of him being trundeled from one home to another. I lie in bed at night and wonder how I got here. Although something specific has precipitated the break down of the relationship (although not an affair) I have concluded that my reduced self esteem ( which you naturally work on as you grow older) because of my traumatic relationship with my mother when I was a teenager has led me here and influenced the fact that I settled for a man who I didn't truly love. What I have had to contend with is that I was on the verge of taking the plunge and breaking free when I got pregnant . I couldn't handle that for quite a while but now I can Be more rational and take a balanced view. It is like suddenly I can see clearly and I don't know why I settled and flogged something for so long when it just didn't make me happy. I am genuinally torturing myself over this decision to leave and not making any rash moves and we have our first counselling session tomorrow. Anyway, don't know what I am saying really apart from I do take comfort that I am not alone but the thought of being single again, even with a small child, makes me feel happier than the thought of being with a man I do not love (even though he contributes, tries hard and loves me). Surely I should set him free...

Eco, for what it's worth it's a particularly hard time when you have a young child.
Thinking of you for tomorrow, and if its not helpful, go for personal counselling for you x

I wonder what happened after 5 years down the line.... yes i do think many marriages are like strawpoll's marriage,, mine included

Oh heck. Stupid me. Can't believe I invested 30 mins of my life that I'll never get back on such an old ( but interesting ).

I'll check next time. Even the zombie thread alert didn't alert me to the fact that it was 5 years old.

I hope straw poll and her husband are happy apart or togetehr. I'm sure she won't be around to tell us.

Missing word

Thread

I've just done the same !

Very interesting read though and I can fully relate to straw poll's position. I made the choice to end things and know I've made the right decision. On my own but happier that way. I made the decision to be honest rather than live a lie.

If you're absolutely sure that this isn't about the unavailable friend with whom you've just clicked, and that it isn't about some mid-life crisis borne out of lack of fulfilment, I'd walk personally.

Better to walk alone than badly accompanied. That's not a value judgement on your H. It is perfectly possible for two wonderful people to have a lousy marriage if they're not well suited. A person doesn't have to be controlling/abusive to make you feel trapped if what you really want is the freedom to have complete agency over your own life, to not speak for the entire evening if you don't want to without someone asking you "are you ok?" because they don't know you well enough to know that you like introspection, for example.

so many women are.

That's why althoguh it would sound strange to some, I'm now really really glad that my x wasn't just a bit lazy and a bit selfish and a bit passive aggressive. I'm glad he was full-on selfish, entitled, abusive ............. i'd never have left if he was only a bit worse than averagely shit.

wow fatcat! were you doing a search for somebody? how on earth did this crop up?

I think loads of people - men and women - are just 'making do' TBH. I'm not a cynic by any stretch of the imagination, but given the rates of relationship breakdown and the fact that of in some of those that go the distance there will be elements of abuse, infidelity and simple mismatch of personalities, I would say that truly happy relationships are actually in the minority.

I am in a very happy relationship. However, I was single for many years prior to it and loved every minute. I would definitely rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship.

But I wouldn't judge anyone who stayed. For women, the lack of financial security is a huge issue - particularly if careers have stalled or stopped altogether because of children, and especially so if the father's career has taken off as a result of delegating primary childcare to the mother.

Aargh, I started reading this thread, and was thought a few times, "I haven't seen that name for years!" Then I saw why. Pah.

So, I have to know what happened...

I have been married 7 years to a man I didn't know well (my first mistake) and I feel as if I know him less now. I get the lonely feeling you have. We have two beautiful children, who I couldn't bear to hurt (ages 3 and 1). We have just been to a marriage retreat, but I've returned with the same feelings I had before - which is loneliness and dispair. He loves me, I know, but I'm not sure I feel the same way. I don't want to see him hurt, but I've lost that connection with him long ago. We have both done our damage to the relationship, but I have let resentments about control, anger, and manipulation take over and find it very hard to forgive - which is detrimental to repairing our marriage. I know that I cannot expect him to fulfill all of my needs and that it all comes from within... I used to be that way, but I have been torn down. Divorce has been a topic of discussion for years, although he claims now that he never really meant it. To top it off, I have met someone. We happened to fall into an emotional affair, which has somewhat ended due to both of our vulnerabilities (he is widowed). I say somewhat because I still think of him often - more than I should.i know I'm supposed to turn that off, but I can't seem to and part of me doesn't want to. I have read a lot and realize the grass isn't always greener and that spark would soon fade, but I know I wouldn't be controlled or manipulated and I would take that option any day... If it weren't for my two little beauties. I want to show them what a happy marriage is like. It would be nice if I could do it with their father but I'm not sure if that's possible. I feel as if it's too late - the damage has been done and I can't let go of the hurt. I know I can't leave for someone else. I have to leave (or stay) because it's what's best for me and the children. Once I'm on my feet and have become independent, I can start with someone new. Just want to know how your story turned out.

Message the op instead of hoping she'll see this 7 years later

My hand is up and I can never decide. Married a long time and now empty nest . No totally right or wrong but just make the best of whichever option. First world problem.?

Strawpoll, I could have written your post word for word. I struggled on for 25 years thinking something was missing in my marriage despite us being good friends and having lots in common. We tried all sorts of things including counselling - all initiated by me. In the end I stayed for the wrong reasons - financial security and inertia being top of the list. In the end the decision was taken out of my hands as he left me last year for OW after a 3 year affair. I didn't have a clue it was going on. It seems he hadn't been happy either but was unable to communicate it to me.

If only one of us had been strong enough to end the marriage sooner we would have avoided so much pain and deceit.

18 months on I am much happier, more optimistic and excited about life than I ever was in my marriage. I still feel a lot of pain and anger about the way it ended though.

It is such a hard decision to make! Because no one can know what the results of the choice of leaving him would be. Maybe, you will end up with the new man you clicked with ( who will also get divorced) or meet someone else fabulous. Or maybe you will end up alone and regret it! Life is so uncertain that often times we don't know what to do. I am not in really that situation, though I am married to a non talker and do feel frustrated with that aspect of our relationship-- I like to talk and have ideas and he is very quiet and doesn't talk much or have many complicated thoughts. But he is amazing in many other ways and I love him with all my heart so I am accepting that about him. But in your situation it sounds like you and your husband are not connecting on many levels. I think you have to trust your heart and your instinct. Ask whatever force in the universe you trust in to give you the answer- like spiritually. And wait and see what comes.
When you think of being without him does it feel scary or happy? try to see if your instincts are leading you anywhere.

Strawpoll how did things work out? Its been 7 years since this post. Would love to know what happened.