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Original poster

How many women are just making do with their partner- is it common?

245 replies

strawpoll · 14/09/2009 08:15

I am in a real dliemma. I always knew when I got married that my H was not the "perfect man", not that such a person exists- know that!

However, I chose to go ahead mainly out of fear of being alone, after being hurt a lot in my 20s, endlessly it seemed, and because he gave me some of what I wanted/needed. I did like him, but wasn't sure if it was love. It was a safe option, tbh.

Now, many years on and 2 grown up DCs later, I realise it was a mistake, and I should not have married for those reasons.

Mentally, he doesn't turn me on and I only feel half-alive, if that makes sense- we have a few things in common but not alot and he is a very quiet, solitary person, who doesn't need friends ( has none) or much communication _ I am the opposite- I write and communication is what makes me tick.

He is a good man and I feel very secure, but I can really take him orleave him. My conscience says I should go, but I know heloves me a lot and doesn't want this- if he felt the same, it would be over quickly.

I am weighing up the odds- I'd be a lot poorer, I wouldn't have a "friend" which is really how I see him, my DCs would have divorced parents, and I may never meet anyone else.

I know that no-one can tell me what to do, but so many of my friends say that a lot of marriages are like this and it's "normal". Is it?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 14/09/2009 09:16

you know what...i don't think you'd be feeling so negative towards him if he was suddenly snatched away from you1 by either another woman or a terrible accident...

you're speaking as though he's dragging you down? stopping you from doing something....

you want to count yourself lucky that he doesn't beat you black and blue,or emotionally play games!! then perhaps leaving would be reasonable..

the problem here is you......not him,so you need to change you,or perhaps your outlook

hohummum · 14/09/2009 09:16

Quite Strawpoll, it is not that your relationship has lost its spark and gone stale its that it has never had a spark or been fresh in the first place!

hohummum · 14/09/2009 09:18

FGS Tiffany, she doesn't deserve that level of vitriol. That is a rather 1950s attitude IMHO - stay with him because it could be worse - eh???

OrmIrian · 14/09/2009 09:20

strawpoll - I am in the same place. Honestly I am. But I have made a decision to stay. Partly because I have accepted my DH is 'good enough'. I had a major blip a few years ago when I met someone else and I got a glimpse of how my life could be - but the glimpse came largely from my imagination.

And I still get frustrated and irritable at times. But I still have young DC, which makes a difference, and I don't beleive that anyone can find total connection and communication with another single human being. At least not outside of Mills and Boon.

Reallytired · 14/09/2009 09:21

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you made a set of wedding vows. Unless your husband has done something horrific like violence or adultery then I think its wrong for you to seperate or get a divorce. It may be old fashioned but you made a commitment and should stick to it for the sake of your family.

There is no such thing as a perfect man or a perfect woman. Marriage is hard work and a lot of it is learning to live with your other half's inperfections. My husband is not the perfect man, but I am not the perfect woman.

It is selfish to see your happiness as more important than anyone else's. If you are bored you need to find another outlet like an OU course or social clubs.

If you are attracted to your married friend then you should distance yourself from him. It is sad to break up two marriages just for a fling.

GypsyMoth · 14/09/2009 09:21

well whats he done wrong here??

sounds like the other man has opened a can of worms.....theres more to this that sudden discontentment,afterall,how many years have you been married?? yet suddenly......a new man on the scene.....

Supercherry · 14/09/2009 09:21

I can empathise with not being mentally compatible with one's partner. My DP doesn't have an opinion on anything, he is apathy personified. I am opinionated and like a good debate. I have a law degree, have studied sociology and English lit, he couldn't even be arsed with his GCSE's. I don't think he's ever read a book.

Like Abetadad says, at 7mths pregnant and with a 19mth old DS these incompatibilities don't concern me right now. Maybe when life has calmed down and resumed a steady pace in the future I will feel like you. Who knows?

blueshoes · 14/09/2009 09:21

Hi strawpoll, I am also interested in your answer to ItsAllaBitNoisy's question:

Does your dh make you laugh?

ItsAllaBitNoisy · 14/09/2009 09:22

"Count yourself lucky he doesn't beat you black and blue"

You have issues Tiffany, that is not a not a normal thing to be grateful for.

Supercherry · 14/09/2009 09:23

Just to add, I don't think I'm 'better' than DP, just, that we are very different.

GypsyMoth · 14/09/2009 09:26

i think the op has issues.....with a married man!

GypsyMoth · 14/09/2009 09:28

after all,these relationships threads are littered with complaints about men 'beating women black and blue'....those are common features here,sadly. they certainly are not 'issues' of mine,god,you're soooooo wrong there!!!

hohummum · 14/09/2009 09:28

Tiffany, the married man is a symptom not the problem.

CJCregg · 14/09/2009 09:28

strawpoll, I understand exactly what you're talking about. My marriage had other problems as well, but essentially I know just what you mean about feeling alone, and that someone doesn't 'get you', and craving that kind of fulfilment that would make you work hard through the tough bits as well as enjoying the good ones.

I'm in another relationship now, with someone I really do connect with, and it does make a huge difference. It's all very new and might not work out (I'm quite nervous!) but it is just so good to be able to talk and engage with someone that I feel connected to.

I can't offer any advice - leaving was incredibly difficult, especially with small DCs, and as I've said, there were other problems too - but just wanted to say I sympathise and I know how hard it is to even contemplate rebuilding a relationship that has broken down so far. Good luck.

brimfull · 14/09/2009 09:38

I think you should talk to him about how you are feeling.

sameheremetoo · 14/09/2009 09:38

strawpoll - have read this thread with interest - I am also in a similar position. Met my DH when I was late 20s and had a need for that security. We never really 'clicked', but he adored me, and we got on pretty well. We were very comfortable together, that's my main memory. He had come from a bit of a messy background, so once involved, I felt too guilty to mess him around any more and so stayed. I know this is not a good basis for a lifelong relationship, but I made that decision and have stuck with it.

We now have two DSs, plus DSD from his previous marriage, DSs are still tiny, but things are fine. But what you have said struck a real chord, because it is very similar. We don't really share much common ground, he really doesn't 'get' me - our sense of humour is different, we have different interests, etc. However, we do continue to get on pretty well together, the kids are incredibly happy, and I have no intention of changing the situation. I made that decision to be with him and do not want to rock either his boat, or that of my children.

I don't know if that's helpful, but I just wanted to share with you that's where I am... [smile}

sameheremetoo · 14/09/2009 09:39

I mean of course

ja9 · 14/09/2009 09:51

Sorry, i'm not in this situationa and haven't read whole thread but just wanted to say that there is a very interesting article in current edition of GoodHousekeeping about a woman who is remarried but openly regretting getting divorced.... makes a thought provoking read...

ruddynorah · 14/09/2009 09:52

ditto what sameheremetoo said.

i came out of a very turbulent relationship from my early 20s, also having unstable relationships in my family. i then met dh and was attracted to his stability, the fact he was settled, had a secure job, had a very 'together' family and a normal background.

now, just 4 years on i am frustrated by his lack of ambition, how stuck in his ways he is, how overbearing his family is and his general contentment with all this.

i am used to more spark, more oomph, more drama. i find the predictability that i used to find so attractive now awfully boring. but i see the benefits of this while i have young children.

so i'm staying.

toddlerama · 14/09/2009 09:55

I agree that you cannot expect your husband to be solely responsible for your happiness. Courses and hobbies wont do it either. You need relationships to be fulfilled. They do NOT need to be romantic - just lots of friends who make you laugh, cry, 'get' you. You will go home to your husband happy and there will be more to talk about. Courses and hobbies are not fulfilling of themselves, but have you made and retained friendships with other women from these? In my opinion, this is what will keep you from heaping unfulfillable expectations on your husband, who you have said likes things a bit quieter. HTH.

CJCregg · 14/09/2009 09:59

toddlerama, the problem is when you do exactly that - spend time with friends, doing things you enjoy - and go home to a DH who looks blankly at you and can't understand why you had such a good time. You just feel a great gaping chasm opening up between you which it's really difficult to bridge. Or is that just me?!

hohummum · 14/09/2009 10:00

Just a thought but maybe we should be considering our other halves feelings here, how would you feel if you were in love with someone and then found out years later that they have never felt the same. It would be devastating would it not? Surely it would be kinder to allow them to meet someone that would love them in a way that we all deserve.

mumonthenet · 14/09/2009 10:00

Your children are grown, busy with their own lives.

Your husband, although a good man, is an introvert

You need someone to need you? Is that part of it?

Interesting thread, I haven't a clue what the right advice for you is, but I will watch with interest!

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 14/09/2009 10:04

I think you should tell him how you feel and give him the chance to be with someone who will love him.

MadrasHouse · 14/09/2009 10:06

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