How many women are just making do with their partner- is it common?

[strawpoll]

I am in a real dliemma. I always knew when I got married that my H was not the "perfect man", not that such a person exists- know that!

However, I chose to go ahead mainly out of fear of being alone, after being hurt a lot in my 20s, endlessly it seemed, and because he gave me some of what I wanted/needed. I did like him, but wasn't sure if it was love. It was a safe option, tbh.

Now, many years on and 2 grown up DCs later, I realise it was a mistake, and I should not have married for those reasons.

Mentally, he doesn't turn me on and I only feel half-alive, if that makes sense- we have a few things in common but not alot and he is a very quiet, solitary person, who doesn't need friends ( has none) or much communication _ I am the opposite- I write and communication is what makes me tick.

He is a good man and I feel very secure, but I can really take him orleave him. My conscience says I should go, but I know heloves me a lot and doesn't want this- if he felt the same, it would be over quickly.

I am weighing up the odds- I'd be a lot poorer, I wouldn't have a "friend" which is really how I see him, my DCs would have divorced parents, and I may never meet anyone else.

I know that no-one can tell me what to do, but so many of my friends say that a lot of marriages are like this and it's "normal". Is it?

OrmIrian, that sums it up perfectly.

Speaking to most of my friends, they feel that way too in their relationships.

I did once have a relationship with a man who totally 'got' me, we were almost like a double act, finishing each other's sentences etc. He was also moody, controlling, rude to my friends, unmotivated and a total cultural and intellectual snob.

Also if I'm honest the passion we had was so white hot it burned out in less than a year. Then all I was left with was Mr Grumpy.

So I thank god every day for my even tempered, friendly, kind DP.

"To hang on in there just because it's the easy/comfortable solution is just going to hurt him even more in the long run."

Is it? Really?

strawpoll,having read this thread i find you come across as very rude and quite nasty. dismissing posts who dont wholeheartedly support you.

maybe this one will find its way into the DM.

strawpoll thank you for starting this thread!

A lot in here, most of which I actually needed to hear. So thanks OrmIrian, Morris (and the others )

Brie- iyo, am I rude and nasty because I have said that some people don't follow what I am talking about?

Sorry if you feel that way- your comments don't really add anything to my situation, but maybe you feel better for posting them.

As for me, me, me, well- is any post on MN ever about anyone other than the poster and their life?

i haven't added anything because its all been said,pretty much.

and i'm not the only poster to point out how rude and arrogant you come across,so it can't be just me!!

Just to look at it differently - how many of us 'get' our husbands? If we did would it make a difference?

Thanks to everyone who has posted honest, thoughtful comments, which have helped.

If I have offended any of you well, I'm sorry, but I was not exepcting or asking for a character assassination, based on a few posts here, where you only really get a tiny bit about someone's lives. It's a bit tough when you bare your soul and then get shot down for being rude or arrogant, just because you have the temerity to disagree with a few posters, or they don't like what you say.

I'm leaving this thread now,as I have found a lot of what has been said very helpful- nothing new really, but it has confirmed a lot of my thoughts, one way or another.

I hope that all of you who are in the same boat find a solution too.

I think most people do follow exactly what you're talking about. But when some of them then go on to say things you don't want to hear, you can sound quite dismissive.

Your thread title was a very "general" one "How many women are just making do with their partner - is it common?". So some people have answered in general terms, and others in more specific terms.

I don't think Straw is being rude and nasty, just frustrated that posters aren't seeing what she is trying to say.

scarletlilybug - my comment was meant that if you just bimble along as pre usual, slowly resenting your other half more and more, what happens when one day you turn around and tell his that for the last X years you've not been in love with him/ resented him for not letting you be who you wanted/ felt empty?

Strawpoll, I don't think yu've been rude and nasty - I can understand your frustration at being misunderstood - I suppose people try to be helpful and don't like to be told they haven't been, but this is a very specific issue.

I want to say I know where you're coming from but from the other side - having a partner I do "click" with. We have our differences and disagreements, and we have a lot of interests that the other doesn't share, which can be annoying (eg I love camping, he loathes it; he will never have enough stupid bits and bobs of computer tech, I would like to lob them all out the window) BUT - we "get" each other and can talk endlessly and make each other laugh and share understandings that no one else I know would understand about me. He is not Mr Perfect and he doesn't tick all my boxes - and vice versa - but it's a question of which boxes, isn't it? And for me "wavelength" is just about the most important thing.

I can completely imagine how lonely it must feel if you don't have that with the person you share your life and home with and have DC with. And I do think it is a horribly hard choice you have to make. One possibility is that you think about your future and the possibility of building towards a point where, emotionally and financially, you are ready to leave. It doesn't have to be a snap decision, it can be something you work towards and mull over for yourself. But you have raised your children and you can think about having a happier life - whether single or with someone else one day - and I think that's reasonable of you.

Interesting. Am I reading the same thread? I see no rudeness or nastiness from strawpoll.

Strawpoll I do think it is very common. A friend of mine in her 50s is contemplating ending her marriage for exactly the reasons you mention.

She has not left yet but is certain she will.
Good luck with your decision

oh dear- I meant that to be my final post, but have to say thanks for the latest comments- LOTBT and others. Some of you really DO understand, and I thank you for your time in posting.

Strawpoll, you haven't been rude or nasty, but I do think some people have been rude or nasty to you. I konw a lot of people in your position nad peole will either get what you are saying or they won't. Ignore those who don't. I really hope things work out for you. Fwiw I do know of three women who found new partners in their fifties, all of whom seem fairly happy with them, so I dont think you would necessarily be alone for ever if you do decide to leave.

sorry about typos

Strawpoll, if you're still reading, I do honestly think that, from what you've said, you have already made up your mind to go and are just looking for validation for that. I am not having a go, and I admit I am not in your shoes and can't see it from that point of view. But it does sound that way. So I think you know what comes next. To be fair, you have said your DC are grown up so you are more free to consider yourself - 'having divorced parents' as you mention in your OP is not that unusual these days and your DC presumably have their own lives.

There is the chance that you will never meet the magic person you click with mentally, as others have said, so here's an idea: how about what used to be called a 'trial separation' where you say to your DH you want to be on your own for 6 months, say, to find yourself, decide what you want in life etc? Then if you find at the end of that you are contented without him, bingo; if you're lonely and miss the stability, you have the choice to ask him to start again (if he still wants to...) But that IMO would be better than looking at it as a simple swap for another man, which may not come off anyway.

Just one more observation: if the genders had been reversed, and this had been a thread about how a female MNer had been told by her DH of 20 years that they had never really clicked mentally and so now the DC were grown up he wanted to move on, it would have attracted posts that were much harsher towards the person wanting to leave - ungrateful git, how dare he, you've raised his children etc. So I think you have actually got a balanced range of views, even though you may not agree.

I do agree about the likely difference in response if OP was a bloke eighties.

EightiesChick - I do think Strawpoll has been treated far more kindly than a man posting the same things.

However, I do understand what Strawpoll is saying about 'clicking'. I feel that me and DW do click. We do not tick all of each other's boxes. I also agree with MadrasHouse as I am also somewhat Aspergers spectrum and do also think the the DH here may be the same. It is common in men. DW drives me mad wih some things she does and no doubt the other way round but we 'get' each other.

Strawpoll - clicking is important but I am left wondering why on earth you ever got together with DH. Just wondering if this 'other' man is the same sort of man you met in your twenties who turned out bad. You like the security DH brings but want the excitement of someone else.

You have to make the choice but you are probably going to destroy the good man who is your DH and very probably end up with a rotter or nothing at all. I do agree to try a trial separation and you might realise what you are missing and DH may want to change to win you back. There was a simlar thread a while ago and I suggested that poster was suffering a kind of Shirley Valentine syndrome. You may be the same.

Strawpoll - I was married for 2 years before deciding that it was too lonely to continue for the next 30 odd years. I'd been with my DH for 4 years in total.

I went to the the theatre on my own, did an OU course, saw friends etc. but was lonely in my marriage and very depressed. So I got out and came off the ADs. I did this for myself rather than wanting to get into another relationship.

I did (eventually after about 20 years) meet that someone that I clicked with, the man that "got me" and I felt that I was the luckiest person alive.

Look, all those bleating on about how the OP should stay with her H because it will destroy him if she goes; if being left by a partner will 'destroy' you then you are destroyed as a functioning personality; you have allowed coulehood to become your life rather than having a life. You cannot look to another individual to complete your life or fix you.
I have repeatedly posted on other threads about how unhealthy, pointless and frankly selfish it is to devote yourself to trying to make someone love you. Just becuase you love a person, doesn;t entitle you to anyhting from them except courtesy and fair treatment.
Strawpoll, we're a long time dead. Your H is not entitled to contenment at your expense (ie you stay out of guilt but feel wretched).

I don't think "the OP should stay with her H because it will destroy him if she goes", but I do think that it is disingenious to talk about "setting him free to meet someone else".

This is absolutely possible. It what I have with ds and have had it for 10 years. We have our moments where this isn't so true but these things always come back as they are at the core of our relationship.

And yet and yet ...

Our sexual compatibility is less successful, I find it hard to really desire him, though when I am in the right headspace this comes sometimes.

I also have times when I feel very lonely as I'm certain dh has too. There is no loneliness as awful as that you feel when with someone.

Dh does really GET me but i still struggle with sexual desire and with loneliness too. I am very slowly truly seeing how much of this is about me rather than dh.

Relationships are complex yet I would not be with dh if I didn't feel like "I belong with him" When I met him I felt more completely myself and accepted for that than I had with anyone else - I still do.

Any yet and yet.......

IloveTiffany doesn't have issues. She'd put up with far LESS shit than a the average mumsnetter seems to put up with.

I know you have probably said this already for yourself IloveTiffany, haven't read every single post. But people have definitely misunderstood if they think that YOU think that anything better than being abused is a good relationship!

That Maslow's hierarchy of needs triangle is VERY apt in my life. At the moment I feel no inclination to find a man or love or a relationship. I am so focused on saving and security, but I have wondered if when these things finally fall into place will I start feeling blue about not being 'loved'.

I think there is a HUGe difference between putting up with abusive behaviour (or even just selfish or lazy behaviour) and living alonside a companion who doesn't set you alight. The latter could work.

You need to read the thread then Maggie, as Tiffany sounds barking tbh.

@ OP - bet your sorry you asked now! I'd go if I was you.