How many women are just making do with their partner- is it common?

[strawpoll]

I am in a real dliemma. I always knew when I got married that my H was not the "perfect man", not that such a person exists- know that!

However, I chose to go ahead mainly out of fear of being alone, after being hurt a lot in my 20s, endlessly it seemed, and because he gave me some of what I wanted/needed. I did like him, but wasn't sure if it was love. It was a safe option, tbh.

Now, many years on and 2 grown up DCs later, I realise it was a mistake, and I should not have married for those reasons.

Mentally, he doesn't turn me on and I only feel half-alive, if that makes sense- we have a few things in common but not alot and he is a very quiet, solitary person, who doesn't need friends ( has none) or much communication _ I am the opposite- I write and communication is what makes me tick.

He is a good man and I feel very secure, but I can really take him orleave him. My conscience says I should go, but I know heloves me a lot and doesn't want this- if he felt the same, it would be over quickly.

I am weighing up the odds- I'd be a lot poorer, I wouldn't have a "friend" which is really how I see him, my DCs would have divorced parents, and I may never meet anyone else.

I know that no-one can tell me what to do, but so many of my friends say that a lot of marriages are like this and it's "normal". Is it?

It's always a mistake to think that the misery of an unsatisfactory couple- relationship can be fixed by starting a new couple-relationship. To decide whether to stay or go think of it as whether you would be happier on your own than you are with the current unsatisfactory partner. If yes, then it's time to walk. Some relationships simply have a finite lifespan and there's nothing wrong with that. TBH couplehood is so fucking over-rated that it's no wonder lots of people are bored, frustrated and depressed in their couples - people pairbond with whoever's nearest and not visibly diseased or insane, either when they get the urge to breed or when everyone else around them is 'settling down' and they are not strong enough to withstand the pressure to do likewise.

'To make matters worse, I have met someone else, purely as a friend,as he is marrried, and it's a non-starter, but we just click mentally, and it's what I need. It just highlights what's wrong at home now.'

i read this as knowing what the problem is....in all your married years op,guessing 20 ish,is this honestly the first person you have met who you have 'clicked' with in this way?

By the way, I heart you SGB

Must admit I feel the same as Reality - and I've been married for 12 years! There has to be upsides to your dh - there are enough downsides to long marriages and life in general - to make the whole thing worthwhile.

Think you have to decide what the upsides are, and whether they are worth it. If it's just security, that might not be enough - unless security is the most important thing to you etc.

SGB, cynical but so true!

Strawpollyou opened an interesting discussion!

We're all digressing slightly(or wildly!) from your original questions but I hope you get some useful ideas here.

Good luck.

'I'm sorry to be harsh, but you made a set of wedding vows. Unless your husband has done something horrific like violence or adultery then I think its wrong for you to seperate or get a divorce. It may be old fashioned but you made a commitment and should stick to it for the sake of your family.'

I don't think there is anything wrong in sp;litting up/ divorcing etc just because you've fallen out of love with someone

"If we want to continue this debate, can we stick to my original question, which was how many of you are sticking with something you feel is not what you hoped for, but you have stayed anyway? Not really looking for advice on how to make it better, or what went wrong etc- done all of that already!"

OK, I can break your 'straw poll' down for you if you like...

Some on here don't feel as you do.

Some do, but are staying because it is not the right time to leave, or because its easier to stay, or because there's just no good reason not to.

Some do feel like you but have left and are glad they did.

Some do and have left but are not sure yet if it was the right decision.

Has that helped you? Is that really all you wanted?

Unless you are planning to publish your findings, maybe as some kind of evidence for staying or not staying in an unfulfilling relationship, then surely you can see that your 'original question' opens up a much larger and messier debate? One which you would perhaps be better off having with your DH.

Sadly I get where you are coming from. I think some others have missed the point and clearly don't get it.

I am staying, again I have young children and it isn't awful, just lonely. DH doesn't get me either. For example, I am struggling to find a new career but DH seem completely unable to have an opinion on what I might be good at or whether I would be suitable for any of my suggestions. He just doesn't seem to know me at all which I find quite depressing after 16 yrs of marriage.

Should you stay or should you go? Well, I think whoever said that you shouldn't consider your own happiness is more important than anybody else needs to consider why anybody else's happiness is more important that yours. We are all responsible for ourselves and all equally entitled to happiness. I think you need to consider whether the hurt you suffer staying in an unhappy relationship is greater than the hurt your DH would suffer if you left. Don't forget, he couldn't be very happy if you are miserable even if you do decide to stay.

I think you need to consider how you would feel if you were living alone, if your DH was not around any more. Do you think of that sort of life with a sense of relief or do you think you would be just as lonely?

Finally, yes there are some awful stories of women who have been abused by their partners. However, a lot of those are suffering from emotional abuse. Whilst not being intention, surely remaining remote and not engaging with your wife may be, for some, a form of emotional abuse? If he did it intentionally wouldn't there be more support for the OP? I would argue the results are still the same, whether her DH does it on purpose or not. She feels lonely and isolated and is not having her emotional needs met. I would cut her some slack and not insist that she stays if this is really going to cause her pain and upset.

Forgive me if I leave anyone out, but Pielight, CheerfulVicky, Laadelaa- you are spot on.

Thanks for your understanding. It is a case of either you "get" what I am on about, or you don't.

I know that the chances of finding anyone who ticks all the boxes, day in day out, as well as great sexual and mental chemsitry is tiny, especially at 50+, which is why I have stayed so long in a marriage that is not bad- it just isn't in my heart of hearts what I really want. I know that my biological clock was a huge factor in deciding to marry him, and that was a mistake- but millions of women will have done the same if they are honest.

Before I was married I had relationships that were "better" in terms of mental compatability- but it was always too soon for one of us, too late, they were married, separated, I wanted them and they didn't want me and vice versa. So I HAVE known that mental spark and I haven't got it now.

I agree that I should let my DH "go" if Ifeel this way and find someone who is potty over him, but he doesn't want that- he wants me- we have talked this over.

The reason I asked the question was that my BF says most marriages, ihe, are like this- and that most people are just getting by, not totally happy. I can't believe that, which is why I posted here.

No easy answer, but thanks for your understanding.

hey you left me out

Oh yes I think I married because I had a fertility problem and my biological clock was ticking - I would say that is a HUGE factor in why so many women do this.

Sorry for leaving you out- some posters are posting whilst I am writing my reply, so I can't keep up, and also I can't keep all the names in my head- but thanks for those of you who have been non-judgemental and supportive.

"I don't think there is anything wrong in sp;litting up/ divorcing etc just because you've fallen out of love with someone "

There is more to getting married than a nice party and dressing up in pretty clothes.

What was the point of getting married to them and making promises. If you don't want to make that sort of commitment you should co habit.

Prehaps the 1950s had the right idea where people were expected to keep promises. They were expected to work at marriages rather than run away when things are less than perfect.

Most marriages are not a bed of hot sex. It is a deep friendship rather than lust.

Yes, I think LOTS of marriages are like that especially in the middle years. But also think different people make different decisions about what is 'good enough'.

fwiw - mine isn't, for which I am grateful. I'm not saying it doesn't have fallow periods, but we click and it works. I hope it continues to work.

If I were you, I'd try to consider it in terms of either being with him or being on your own - I'd leave the idea of being with someone else out of the equation, it might happen, it might not. The more honest, bare question is:

should I stay, or be on my own and would I be happier?

Piel- yes, that IS what I am thinking! Anyone else would be abonus- I have to face another 30 years alone as the possible laternative. It is not a nice thought, but neither is being lonely in a marriage. Money plays a big part too.

Really Tired- do you believe in divorce at all, or just if there is adultery or beating etc?

You seem to be advocating putting up with anything almost and I wonder why? It's just as hurtful to the other person to stay and them know your heart isn't in it, than to leave and allow them the chance to meet someone else. Are you happy, or are you making the best of it because you made a promise?

But Reallytired, the op doesnt have a deep friendship with her op either.

Really Tired- you are being VERY unfair- Ihave made an effort for over 20 years - that's hardly thinking "Oh I'll get married to have a party and a pretty dress" then chuck it all in is it?

I have stuck through this for years to support my kids, who are doing great now, and in the process I have been ill with diseases that are stress related,as a result of my emotional turmoil.

Sorry, but you are way out of line.

I can hardly believe the poster who says her DH ticks all her boxes. Are you deluded or just very easily satisfied? Or maybe I am just jealous

Okay, I think that marriage-wise you can hope for more than you have got, and your situation isn't 'normal' or right for a marriage but sadly is fairly common.

I'm not married and wouldn't get married now, but I do have 1 DC with my partner. We have been together for two years. I am staying for now, with a view to rethinking when my son is a little older, unless the domestic situation breaks down before then, i.e constant rowing, bad atmosphere. As it is, it is like I'm living with a very good friend. Fine for a while, but ultimately a bit sad and lonely and depriving two people of happiness they could find with others, or alone. (Even though my DP - as your H has also said to you - claims he wants me and would only be alone and sad without me, wouldn't ever get with someone else. 'That would be it for him, relationship-wise', etc)

I think you can have someone insisting that it is okay to settle for them, that its fine the way things are, and they'd rather you were with them than not. It doesn't change the situation, doesn't make it okay because they are saying it is fine. Although of course you may decide to stay and that it is what is best. But it shouldn't be based on your partner sanctioning it.

straw poll,why does money play a big part?

i think maybe your friend was right. i think over the years relationships change,as do we. in different ways. what does your husband think?

Yes, there are so many practical advantages to marriage - a companion, more money etc etc. Which is why lots of people muddle through on half-power, I guess - and probably why marriage exists in the first place. You're working out the checks and balances really aren't you?

It's a really tough call.

You need to write two lists on your balance sheet. Then show us and we'll decide what you should do!

CheerfulV- true- you cannot stay with someone to protect them, or keep them "happy" in some way when they know how you feel.

My DH has begged me to give it more time- we have had VERY honest discussions over recent months which he occasionally initiated, as he knew how bad things were getting. We didn't set a time limit, but we are in this no-man's land of not knowing how it is all going to pan out.

I know how I feel, which is I like him as a friend, but he doesn't make my heart flutter or really turn me on sexually- I have to make the effort there as well. If he wasn't around, I don't know how much I would miss him and how much I would simply miss another presence in the house, as we can spend the whole evening in the same room and hardly talk.

The reason I started this thread was I wondered if a load of middle aged women would come along nad say "You silly girl, we all feel like that, that's marriage after 20+ years, just accept it."

The problem is, strawpoll, there aren't many women on here who have been married for 20 plus years

Most of the posters who feel the same have small children, so they know why they're staying put. You are in a different phase I think.

Have your dc recently left home? That's a common time for readjustment isn't it?

Are you sure the other (married) man isn't just making your own dh look especially unappealing right now?

The grass is so often greener - and just as flawed once you get there

yeah, I guess I am posting on the wrong forum...maybe SAGA have an forum, lol.