How many women are just making do with their partner- is it common?

[strawpoll]

I am in a real dliemma. I always knew when I got married that my H was not the "perfect man", not that such a person exists- know that!

However, I chose to go ahead mainly out of fear of being alone, after being hurt a lot in my 20s, endlessly it seemed, and because he gave me some of what I wanted/needed. I did like him, but wasn't sure if it was love. It was a safe option, tbh.

Now, many years on and 2 grown up DCs later, I realise it was a mistake, and I should not have married for those reasons.

Mentally, he doesn't turn me on and I only feel half-alive, if that makes sense- we have a few things in common but not alot and he is a very quiet, solitary person, who doesn't need friends ( has none) or much communication _ I am the opposite- I write and communication is what makes me tick.

He is a good man and I feel very secure, but I can really take him orleave him. My conscience says I should go, but I know heloves me a lot and doesn't want this- if he felt the same, it would be over quickly.

I am weighing up the odds- I'd be a lot poorer, I wouldn't have a "friend" which is really how I see him, my DCs would have divorced parents, and I may never meet anyone else.

I know that no-one can tell me what to do, but so many of my friends say that a lot of marriages are like this and it's "normal". Is it?

Aspergers

one or two of you have hit the spot- CJCregg .

Please, please, please do stop telling me to join a club or see my friends more- I do all of that- but when I come home after doing those things I want a man who connects with me, more than the average "man in the street".

Tiffany- not beating me black and blue? Words fail me but if that's your yardstick for measuring a relationship, you have problems.

Married man- he is not an affair, he wouldn't have an affair, he lives miles away, I don't see him, and the feelings I have had about my DH have been there for years and years.

Reallytired- I take issue with why is my happiness more important than anyone else's- quite frankly, it is, and if you are honest, so is yours.- I am responsible for me- and if I am not happy I need to change that. Life is short, and although I don't want to hurt anyone, I am not going to be a martyr. I don't believe in sticking with a marriage, vows or not, if it is not working, so we will just have to agree to disagree on that.

If we want to continue this debate, can we stick to my original question, which was how many of you are sticking with something you feel is not what you hoped for, but you have stayed anyway? Not really looking for advice on how to make it better, or what went wrong etc- done all of that already!

strawpoll .............having read your comments so far...i am looking in a mirror. Sounds like we are a similar age..
I have two DS's 21 and 16 ...i am split from my ex partner and have had sa boyfriend for 12 years. He too is a good ,kind loyal,generous man.BUt...and BIG BUT...does not and never really has, pushed any of my buttons.Like you, i am also scared of being alone but have not got a clue at 53 how to go out and meet like minded peolpe that are not someones castoffs.MY BF hardly ever stays so i am alone at nights ...and i know what you mean about feeling lonely even tho u are in a relationship. I am a member of a badminton club and dom lots of thing but never meet anyone i have engaged with mentally or physically.
I agree that joining classes is not the answer..i think initially, its having a good female friend to go out for a meal or drink with. Just to get out and feel a bit more like yourself,to dress up ..feel good and look good for just YOU

yardstick for measuring a relationship?? take a look at the threads.....they are littered with these types of relationships!! also you might come across the thread where the poor mumsnetter recently lost her husband in an accident!

either leave the poor man,or do something to make him notice you!

however,your original question? NO. not me. i'm not stuck in that kind of relationship,perhaps because mine is a bit 'different'......and maybe because i don't want to be in your position now.

Well it is quite an interesting debate OP - though I do understand why you just want one question answered, but it does raise lots and lots of questions about marriage, and who is responsible for what in a marriage and what is good enough etc, and people like to ask them and sometimes answer them. It's not personal!

The key word that seems to be getting over-looked here is 'lonely'.

You are lonely in your marriage, and you are asking whether that is good enough. The rest of your life is varied and fulfilling but your marriage is not.

Why would you stay - what reasons do you give yourself for staying?

Your attitude sucks, you are very rude.

Leave your husband, the poor man's life will improve dramatically.

You sound as if you are in a very negative place, strawpoll, and quite angry too.

People here are trying to explore all options with you, without really knowing much about you. - perhaps when you have time you can read the thread more closely and see that there are some interesting things to think about here.

But ultimately you have to ask yourself, is this a problem I want to solve with my DH or not?

If the answer is not, well then, perhaps that's your answer.

In your mind it sounds as if you have already left.

In fact, were you ever there in the first place?

Scared of being alone?

How old are you fgs.

Both of you should leave these men and let them be with someone who will love them.

Well I thought i had answered your question

I think people are eithering 'getting' where you are coming from on here or (perhaps like your dh!) just aren't.

I am firmly in the getting it camp. I can identify with a lot of the posts on this thread.

I too made a safe choice after some exciting and disastrous (sometimes both!) relationships in my early twenties. I never felt my partner and i totally gelled but he offered security, no game playing, the chance of a family and stability and we rubbed along well enough to have a goodish relationship. It's ok until we don't rub along well enough though and then, where the grooves normally fit together, they suddenly jar at every point and i realise how different we are and how little he gets me - and particularly how little he is interested in getting me.

We rarely have easy conversation. We sometimes laugh together but it's never a belly laugh or an in joke between us. He doesn't 'do' talking about feelings, dreams, hopes etc.

None of these ^ things are wrong for everyone though but i feel they are wrong for me as they are things i like to do with my partner - i think for dp his needs are largely met. I also have outside interests and many friends but, as someone has said, that can often just highlight the gulf between us.

However, our children are very young (4 and 18 months) so i am staying and wondering if things may change when they are not so small and we can do more as a family and also spend more time alone together as they are able to stay at grandparents or be left with a babysitter.

So, i don't have any answers but i certainly know just how you feel.

And yes I agree that you have already made up your mind.

that's a little harsh, don't you think?

It's reasonable to be able to doubt a relationship without there being domestic violence etc. I know many people have had tragic losses but that doesn't mean she should just put up and shut up with her dh just because he's still around, surely?!

strawpoll, why not re-read this thread and focus instead on those (many) of us who have empathised and understand where you're coming from? There's been much less discussion around these kinds of comments though we have said whether we've stayed or not, as you wanted.

sorry, that was to tiffany and bakerboys.

no,i don't think its harsh. not at all

It's a bit harsh I think.

Lots of people have so much invested in marriage don't they, and it can be unsettling to see someone considering what THEY want, and whether they would be better off alone and not with their dh, because they don't enjoy being with him.

That's okay! He doesn't have to have done something wrong for a relationship to be running on empty. Not in the mid-life phase anyway. . .

strawpoll, I read your post and knew before there were any replies that it would provoke varied comment! And it has. I check back a teeny bit later and all hell is breaking loose.

I know exactly how you feel. You could be describing my feelings about my life. This situation you describe is more common than people like to admit.

I understand you are fulfilled in other areas of life, and you aren't demanding that your relationship make those other areas shine with excitement. You just want your relationship to light up the 'Relationship' corner of your life, and there's nothing wrong with wanting that. You already admit your conscience is niggling you over staying with someone who isn't really right for you because its still better than nothing, so I won't berate you about that as others have.

But I do know the feeling of being lonely in a relationship. Have you ever watched Lost in Translation? Because the situation there perfectly illustrates the idea of being lonely with a partner. What happens in that film is one of the available options to you: an emotional affair of sorts with a man who gets you and is perfectly on your wavelength, but with whom you have little in common. In fact, that's whats frustrating about some of the responses here. people are suggesting you get a hobby, or find things in common with your partner to bring you together. Those aren't going to help, because its the spark of mental connection, the shared look of understanding, the silly in jokes, the feeling of being able to be yourself completely. When those things are missing, it's very painful. When they are present, its often with someone with whom one is incompatible. I'm not talking about sexual chemistry: its that mental spark. Strawpoll at least will probably know what I'm on about.

The chances of finding that connection with someone who you can ALSO rub along with in a day to say sort of way, shared values, similar attitudes to money, housekeeping etc is small. It is very small. So you have to ask yourself: is it worth leaving on the off chance I might find the right person for me? Am prepared to be alone otherwise? The alternative is staying, until someone else comes along, or doesn't. And if they do, the fallout will be great.

It is very scary, and you have my absolute sympathy. No-one can tell you what to do, except that yes, it is possible to find someone who will click with you. It's just weighing up whether its worth the risk.
Take care.
x

I understand the OP's feelings to a certain extent in that, in my younger days, I frequently ended relationships with men who were perfectly nice, decent, attractive, kind, good in bed, etc. In my case it was because I simply am not suited to couplehood. So I stopped doing it (luckily for me and the various men, I worked this out before I ever moved in with, or got PG by any of them).
Had I stayed with any of these two or three men, I would have been bored and resentful and bitter and made them miserable too.
Strawpoll, you don't mention sex at all in your posts. Obviously you don't have to discuss it if you don't want to, but often in cases like yours where one partner is far more 'in love' and into the relationship than the other, sex becomes the issue that finally breaks the relationship - unless both partners have very low libidos anyway.

I think what Tiffany's saying is:

The real problem marriages/partnerships are the ones where there is physical/emotional abuse. Or drug/alcohol/financial abuse.

Strawpoll's problem is that she's bored and lonely.

well the op has already said she gets what she needs from her new 'friend'....

V interesting thread, I sometimes feel like you and I do know what you mean by feeling lonely. However, my children are still young and dh is fantastic father so I am clear that I don't want out.

Like some of the other posters though, I feel that having friends who understand me helps enormously - (I appreciate that this is not your experience though) - in particular one friend who just laughs at things that have been really winding me up - then suddenly I see it all in perspective and go home and am a better wife I think!

I was single for a long time and hated it, and when things are getting me down I always remember how hard it was (but again this will not be the case for everyone). Dh is a good man, who loves and cares for me the best that he can. I do often wish he "got" me more, but then I figure that he often wishes I was someone who would go mountain biking etc with him! So he gets just as frustrated with me as I do with him.

I don't have advice, but thats not what you asked for, just wanted to tell you my situation.

ILoveTIFFANY,
I think the OP has said that her friend highlights the gulf between her and her husband, by offering a glimpse of what is possible in terms of mental compatibility. She's not saying he meets that need.

sgb - I think that is the core problem. Many of us don't do coupledom well. We think we do but the reality is different. We expect too much of it. We expect being a couple to tick all our boxes and it doesn't because that just doesn't happen in the real world.

And being bored and lonely in a marriage must be very common and well worth talking about, especially if you are older and your children are older or left home.

Long relationships can be difficult to sustain. You are being rude Tiffany, she said she'd met someone who she liked and got on with - but that he was married and nothing was going to happen - but it highlighted to her just what she was missing at home. Fair enough.

Not sure why we are even comparing hers to different or more problematic marriages?

Strawpoll, i haven't posted on here for ages but read your post and just wanted to let you know that i have recently left a marriage that was exactly as yours is by the sounds of things. We were very young when we married, and i was also pregnant with my DS, and rightly or wrongly felt that it was the right thing to do even though i was already having doubts about the relationship. I remember my wedding day as a blur..not unhappy or euphoric-just a blur. We tried and could get along together quite happily, but we just never connected properly..i could sat on the sofa next to the man that i called my husband and not feel anything apart from emptiness. Until one day i snapped..we have small DC's and i knew how this would effect us all but i just couldn't take the though that this was my life..together with a man that i felt indifferent to. When i told him how i felt it transpired that he felt exactly the same but hadn't had the courage to say so..if i hadn't we could have wasted our whole lives making do. That was 6 months ago..it's been bloody hard, but i've met someone now who makes me laugh and we talk about everything and anything. Didn't realise i could be this happy..the DC's have adapted amazingly and they now have a happy mum and dad seperately, rather than parents that were just going through the motions. I hope you find the solution that's right for you, nobody else can decide but i just wanted to let you know that there is life on the other side.