Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

Oh don't worry Lewisfan I am surprisingly assertive in the outside world! People who know me probably wouldn't believe what I have put up with in this relationship. I think it's from fighting for DS to get him the support he needs. Have been told I can apply for a community care grant and a crisis loan so that's good. Want to know if I have this house or not - don't want to get my hopes up too much on it.

Yes, getting away is like planning a military operation but I think you're already doing that. A little bit everyday is the trick. And remember, if it comes to it, just get out even if you only have the clothes you're standing up in. Your and your children's future is more important than material goods and paperwork. Getting my head round this really helped me - hidden in my bag, I had £200 of cash, car key and mobile phone with WA number saved.

Next I secreted away the things that were really important - pictures and hair of our baby that died, photos of my daughter, jewellery and copies of mortgage and bank accounts. Then I realised I had the basics and, as they say in the States, everything else was just gravy. I also realised that I was nearly 40 and had two carrier bags to show for my life but this was strangely liberating.

Then keep going. You will get a house and even if it's not your dream house, you can always move. You can get stuff from freecycle and WA. You will be OK and we will help you through this.

just checking in to see if you are ok, i am feeling happier 2day, i am now volunteering at the nursery ds goes to, is hard to start with babe but i swear it gets easier x

Hi everyone just checking in, thanks QoD and Mehdi'smummy for posting, am going to have a think today about what I need for new house and write a list. Will need loads but never mind will get there!

also once you have moved in you will be able to apply for something called a "community care grant"

this is a grant form the DSS that is non repayable. you simply list the items you need for your house and roughly how much you expect them to cost. obviously just the basic's...you wont get a grant for a tv or dishwasher etc.

It does take a couple of weeks to come through byut when i finally moved it was a godsend.
there is also no limit to the amount they can help you with

It is such a relief knowing I can apply for these things as will need nearly everything. Fridge freezer, oven, washing machine, beds, duvets, you name it I will need it!

Every so often I am having these moments of panicky thoughts that I am making the wrong decision. That I/we just need to try harder, that it is too horrid to just up and leave, that DS will be gutted at leaving daddy and that his dad will be heartbroken, that I am being selfish.

Did you have moments like this? How did you get through them and keep moving forwards? I have done my 'jobs' for today (made a list of what I'd need and what I'd take, and signed savigs accounts forms to post back), and feel weird.

Of course you feel weird. You're leaving the familiar, even if it is kind of crap, and heading out for new territory. You aren't daft, you know it's not going to be a stroll in the park. But those of us who have followed your story - and especially those of us who've done similarly in our own lives - are totally convinced it is worth it. The first time you do the washing up and realise that it doesn't matter which way up you put the bowl, the first time you make pasta that's really just for yourself, the first time you buy your child an ice cream without anyone grumbling, and you feel that lighter-than air feeling, you'll know it was the right thing to do!

"Every so often I am having these moments of panicky thoughts that I am making the wrong decision. That I/we just need to try harder, that it is too horrid to just up and leave, that DS will be gutted at leaving daddy and that his dad will be heartbroken, that I am being selfish".

ATA

Okay it is normal to have such wobbles but honestly how much harder could you try?. You could be "perfect" but all those efforts of yours would still not be enough for him. No you are not being selfish; I both applaud and admire you for acting in yours and your son's best interests. You have worked bloody hard to get out, don't give up now!!. What you are doing is bloody hard but the first step to leave is often the hardest one to take; you have done the most difficult bit by truly acknowledging what has happened and telling people. I only wish my friend could be as strong but she is working on it.

Nothing is or was ever good enough for him. He is not willing or able to be a supportive partner/father respectively to you and your son. You have both been hurt by him.

Think you and your DS will be a lot happier without this man and his malign presence in your lives. No, his Dad will not be heartbroken going by his previous behaviours (an example of when your DS was in hospital and this man could not be contacted) but he won't want to lose you simply because he will lose all power over you then. This is what abuse is all about - power and control.

With best wishes

Attila

Thank you both, I am trying to just keep plodding on with things but finding it hard today. You are right, I need to keep going. I am very stressed out and keep swaying from not wanting food at all to wanting lots of chocolate and crisps and so on - not really enjoying food at all which as a foodie is quite disconcerting. I know his main concern will be financial, running the house on one wage, maintenance, etc.

Last week we were talking all sat on the sofa, and we were disagreeing about something that had just been said on a dvd, a minor jokey disagreement. He rewound the DVD and it turned out I had misheard, I held my hands up and said you were right. This was a very lighthearted discussion, nothing serious, but DS chimed in. "No Daddy, you can't do that because it's urr urr (like the noise from a game show, and made an x sign with his fingers) WRONG!" Basically he told his dad off for telling me I was wrong!

He is also very interested in what I have been 'up to all day'. Housework mainly. Don't know if he suspects or if he is just resentful that I am at home all day. TBH I am not enjoying being out of work - not used to it and easily bored although I did enjoy giving DS plenty of time during the summer holidays.

Will definately be looking for a new job after I'm recovered from my OP (which is to repair a prolapse - rectocele and cystocele). Bit worried about how I will manage after that if am in own place by then but will just take every single offer of help that I get. Am sure my mum and nana will pitch in.

for your DS telling off your H. Is he trying to look after you when you and H seem to argue? One more reason to go, if that's the case. 'Up to all day' is a little disrespectful assuming the house is not a tip and he's had an evening meal and laundry is done, everyone dressed and place not crawling with cockroaches, etc. He may be feeling a bit superior to you since he has a job and therefore status (in his eyes) while you are 'stuck at home' and not 'working'. He probably feels a different vibe all the same, since you're now getting free, mentally, from him, but he may not be able to figure it out.

hi babe, i had the feeling about him missing his daddy and the other way round but in the end it was better for ds to see mummy happy and not stressed, he still sees his dad and he he gets more quality time with him now iyswim. the first thing i did when i reached the refuge was have a fag!! god it felt good! unhealthy but good! there are also local organisations that run furniture recycling, i got 2 sofas, fridge and cabinet for £40!!!! i still feel sometimes i did the wrong thing but then i remember what a twat he was and the feeling disappears!! this is the hardest bit babe but it does get easier and you will soon be able to be yourself again and god it will feel again x

Oh yes, since our last 'discussion' were he told me including other things that the house was always a tip when he got in from work and what was I doing all day, the house has been clean and tidy (not an easy feat with an autistic child), clothes washed and dried and DS uniform ironed, and dinner is ready as he gets through the door. I don't care if I'm not up to scratch anymore. Something in me switched off that night, and I just thought 'I can't do this anymore'. TBH the house is only tidy as I am bored!

He may feel a change in me yes, I'm not sure either way but I have probably been a litle quiet and distant as I have so much on my mind as you all know.

I am so glad I came on here, the timing was right. I don't want to be writing threads about him for years to come, I don't want to be in my 30s or 40s in this relationship that doesn't work. And I don't want DS growing up seeing me ran down like this.

Hopefully every time I have a wobbly moment it will last a little less longer, and they will be a little more further apart.

hi everyone who has posted I too had a violent and controlling ex for around 2 years it was the most awful time of my life
Sounds like you have started to take the 1st steps I know how scary it is when you are in that situtaion and when you have children it is even worst I wish you lots of luck and love im sure as soon as you have broke free you can start enjoying your life again

Im currently in the middle of a court case with my violent ex over our child which he has never showed an interest in until suprise im pregnant and he shows back up

these men are so sad i wish you and your child lots of luck xx

You sound pretty determined and forward-looking, Aboard. I remember how surprised I was after making the break to realise I hadn't really stood up straight and taken a good deep breath for probably years.

I have got a list as long as my arm of things I need to do today as we are off camping after tea today until sunday afternoon. It's going to be a long weekend. Might get back on this aft.x

I am feeling crap still. Stressed. Frazzled. Anxious. Guilty. Sad. Drained. (and full of cold).

Was told not to get my hopes up on the house I was after as other people keen too (and TBH as a landlord if I had a choice between people with deposits ready, and a single mum on housing benefits, with the council and women's aid helping her find somewhere I know which tenant I would pick).

Feel so down.

Please don't be down - things will sort themselves out even if it does not feel like that at the moment - they just will.

my ex was controlling in every way, it was hell and last straw was when my child said he'd hit him.

he was out from that moment and plus it makes it easier because i didnt love him and never did, he just talked me into moving into my house, he was very controlling and very good at mind games.

good luck and life will be so much better.

aww bless your son for sticking up for you he must be a very bright lad.
my children always stuck up for me dont under estimate your son he knows that daddy belittles his mom, and as for wondering if you are making that right choice for your ds- you are, no doubt his mommy will feel so much better after and he will witness a much happier you.

Have come home from the school run this morning and just cried and cried. Still feel ill, DS had hidden in the playground when the bell rang as didn't want to go in, and on the walk home I fell really badly and have took the skin off my knee and hands!! Am laid on the sofa feeling sorry for myself.

I have emails to reply to and messages relating to the for sale boards and I just can't do anything - I feel broken, wish I had someone I could run to who would look after me but I don't.

Thank you stressed and thesunshinesbrightly for replying last night, I went to bed at 9 as just felt so tired and fed up. I think this is just one of those days I will be glad to see the back of!

ATA

((((((((((((((((ATA))))))))))))))))))
Coincidentally enough I was thinking about you this morning so I am glad to see a message from you.

Was very sorry to read about your son's problems going into school this morning along with you falling over. Your hands and knees will heal given time and you'll feel a lot better once your cold has gone. I get awful colds myself so do sympathise. You may feel physically crap but the mental spirit is still willing!!.

I'll gladly give you some counsel re your DS and his school but think you have more than enough on your plate at present.

Ok, if you are on MN and reading this you must also start replying to those e-mails afterwards!!!. You will feel better for being proactive.

These are but temporary setbacks on the route to your way out of the half life you have lived. You can still do it and you will get there, there is support here too!!. I await the day you and your DS are in your new home.

I have days like that too.... try and do something to make yourself feel better. Even if it is just a cup of tea. Have a shower - this will perk ypu up a bit. Agree with AttilaTheMeerkat - if nothing else deal with the messages. Plan what you are going to do this week that is going to get you where you want to be........ sending positive thoughts.

Hi attila thank you so much for replying, and for thinking of me. Your message brought tears to my eyes, and has spurred me on, I do feel like I am living a half life. I suppose I am in a state of limbo too at the moment, and I hate it, I like to be sure of things, to have plans and everything in order and my thoughts are a little chaotic at the moment.

If I get ill, I get really ill, always have done, I suppose being stressed out hasn't helped either but I feel terrible! Wish I was one of these people that get a sniffle for a couple of days then bounce back - instead I am weak, hot and cold, no appetite, tired, congested, huge swollen glands on throat, sore throat, coughing, wheezing. A right sorry old state!

Last year DS did half days in school (f1) and cried every morning going in, this term he is in f2, doing full days - he started off well but things seem to be going downhill again. EdPsych is supposedly seeing him for first time today so will see if he shows. Have asked teacher that if he does come he gets a chance to see DS at a transition moment or other incident where he is unconsolable. He too is chesty ATM so if he starts coughing or crying he is going to continue until he is sick.

I have made myself a cuppa (been curled up on sofa since I got back from school staring into space) and am going to tackle inbox.

sorry stressed - cross posted there! Thanks for checking in with me. Cup of tea is my self medication of choice so have one of those next to me.

I know I have messages from you too, will be right on them.

In terms of what do I need to do this week. Find a house with a landlord that will take me, in an area within walking distance to school but not on the same side of school as I am currently living (as that is too close to current house and LA won't pay my bond), and try to get LA to stump up the bond and fees before another tenant does. Wish I had a fairy godmother! As I don't I will have to hope I begin to feel more energetic sometime today or tomorrow.