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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

627 replies

AboardtheAxiom · 08/09/2009 10:34

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 20/12/2009 18:26

I thought it was you but my memory is pretty shoddy. How rubbish you are having to chase them. I would call once a day until he has been charged.

Oh he is vile isn't he! Does he think his dcs enjoy hearing him talk to you like that?? They will end up not wanting to go see him if he carries on and who could blame them!

I do not have much knowledge on contact centres but I'm sure you can find out. Obviously don not believe a word he says, as you know he is a liar who likes to intimadate you and make you doubt yourself. Put your phone on silent and put it in a drawer or cupboard and promise yourself you will not look at it until the morning. Have a mental break from him.

Would your mum be able to help you then with handovers? How is he with her?

OP posts:
makkapakkamoo · 20/12/2009 19:51

Oh I wish he would just disappear!

I think today's drop off at my mum's (I was at home) would work once I have changed my number...

mathanxiety · 21/12/2009 02:21

Makkapakka -- keep all the texts and messages of any kind he sends. You need a restraining order/ barring order/ protection order of some kind. Maybe even some kind of moratorium on him seeing the DCs. Keep everything he sends to convince the relevant authorities you need protection. Don't burn anything yet. There's a limit to the number of texts or communications that's considered reasonable, and beyond that it's harassment.

makkapakkamoo · 21/12/2009 17:07

WTF?!!!?!! i am sooooo

He phoned SS on Sat when he had dc to tell them he had nowhere to go with them.

I have received a call today from SS asking if dc are with me or him and to not allow him to have overnight access until further notice.....

mathanxiety · 21/12/2009 18:27

That's fantastic!!!! Now you have authorities behind you, slightly involved. He has shot himself in the foot big time. Your ex sounds like someone with a screw loose. You may be finally able to shake him off after this, makka. This is your opportunity.

makkapakkamoo · 21/12/2009 20:03

just lost mammoth post due to my lousy connection.

i just feel really sad and baffled. I cannot understand what he thought he would achieve.....

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 21/12/2009 21:26

Don't feel sad makkapakka, feel glad! He is now on the radar of not only the police (for assaulting you in front of your dcs), but also of social services for simply being a prick! I bet they were totally baffled, he doesn't even sound like he is thinking rationally now, but whatever his intentions were he has done you a favour. x In your position I would be so relieved that 'the authorities' (SS) have told you not to allow him overnights for time being. Do you have a contact name and number there now? What are they doing next in regards to his weird call?

Have you called police today to pester them check on assault charge progress?

OP posts:
makkapakkamoo · 21/12/2009 22:35

I haven't chased police today as I have no credit and the only way is via 0845 number. We had a social worker before for about 6 weeks after police were called out for disturbance at my old home. Well, it took that long to get discharged through their proper channels, so the sw from before called me. she just wants me to call her after seeing my solicitor, not even going to visit me as she has no concerns about my care of dc whatsoever She told me to save her mobile number and contact her if there are any problems before then.

after him pestering me since the split, i have tried to call him to ask basically wtf is going on, and his phone has been off all day . I have also tried his work phone and that just rings off. His personal mobile is never off, so I am wondering if he is in custody. that's probably wishful thinking! I had a missed call from an unknown (withheld) number early this am so that could have been police..?

maybe i am sad for dc instead of myself, but i feel like i've been kicked in the gut. Why do it? If he genuinely had nowhere to go why not let me have dc back? it just feels like a massive betrayal and my mum said he's done it to mess with my head, knowing how terrified i am of ss. how did i ever love such an evil being?

makkapakkamoo · 22/12/2009 02:12

you'll have to cry me out
you'll have to cry me out
the tears that have fall
mean nothing at all
it's time to get over yourself

baby u aint all that
baby there's no way back
you can keep talking
but baby i'm walking away

la la la la la la la la la

taking a dose of me own medicine and listening to theraputic music while i am up again nursing 2 sick dc

la la la la la la la la la

Anniegetyourgun · 22/12/2009 08:37

No wonder you feel a bit mad. That's awful. (The situation, not the singing! Music is good!)

BUT

as ATA says, the SS are on YOUR side in this. They recognise you as the responsible parent and him as the loony. Take heart. Darkest hour before dawn n all that.

mathanxiety · 22/12/2009 18:21

Makka -- SS are on your side now. He has taken off whatever mask he had on previously for their benefit. If he was trying to put you in any kind of hot seat with SS, it has backfired spectacularly.

Whatever the reason he's not answering your calls, no contact is probably good news. I wouldn't bother calling him to see what the story is. He might be in custody, or he might be just playing games with your mind, just counting the number of times you call for warped reasons of his own. Play it cool, don't try to get in touch.

I really wouldn't be too sad for your DCs they are far better off not to have anything to do with this very strange man, who sounds as if he's not rational. Their safety is your number one priority, and SS's too hence their serious instruction to you.

Watchtheworldcomealivetonight · 22/12/2009 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

makkapakkamoo · 22/12/2009 20:12

Thank you mathanxiety, I think I have spent so long thinking he was 'normal' that it is quite a shock to realise the extents he is prepared to go to.

I have spoken to SS again today (I called them) and I have a bit more information. Okay, here goes: Friday he went to Housing Office to present as Homeless. They wouldn't help him as a healthy single man with no dependents. On Saturday, he collected dc, then pretty much immediately called SS to say he had nowhere to go with dc overnight. SS have provided him with B&B accommodation (grotty, grotty places they use ) and this is where he stayed with dc on Saturday night. He told SS he couldn't return dc to me Saturday as I would go 'mental' and stop him seeing them again.

Emergency Social Worker has raised concerns and flagged situation to be assessed by the SS office on Monday (yest), and for arrangements to be made to remove dc from my care. just doesn't cover it.

Somebody up there was looking down on me, as Social Worker on duty Monday was by pure coincidence the same lady I have dealt with in the past, so she halted care proceedings. If it had been someone else on duty yesterday I would now be without my babies and looking at fighting through the courts to prove my innocence. My 'crime' is to allow dc to have overnight visit with X knowing he had nowhere to take them overnight. I believe he has given the impression that I was out drinking/clubbing/sleeping around and he wasn't able to return dc. (I am teetotal due to ADs, and I attended a family meal to celebrate my mum's 60th bday.) He also told SW that he was due to attend police station at 4pm yesterday. I called police but Officer not on duty again until tomorrow...

I am so so lucky SW knew my case from before. I am struggling to accept that someone I believed loved me cause me to nearly lose my dc to foster care. I just can't pick myself up atm x

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 22/12/2009 21:37

What an utter bastard!

Where was he staying with them then? To me it sounds like we now ave his motivation for calling SS - he wanted accomadation and the dcs! These lucky breaks (your previous SW being on duty) give me heart that things do work out for good people. They wouldn't have just plucked them from you makkapakka without even meeting you, even running a search on yours and his names would have shown the assault in the system, as well as your previous dealings with them and realising you were no longer with him (had left an abusive relationship), etc.

Do you have any help from Women's aid locally? Are there any women's centres in your area? Surestart children's centres, etc? I would be looking at getting as much support in place as you can, tell every official/agency you meet with your relationship history and ask what help they can offer or do they know of anyone/anyplace who could assist you. Can you see if you can get in to solicitor's any earlier? If you call them in the morning they may well have had someone cancel a meeting or appointment this week in the prexmas rush. Worth a shot at least just so you feel more in control of it all.

OP posts:
makkapakkamoo · 22/12/2009 21:57

I am going to try and speak to police tomorrow and see what they say tbh. If it is true that he has already been in custody, I am hoping there are conditions to his release that he is not allowed to contact me. This would account for the constant calls/texts having now stopped (he refused to answer my calls yest/today). If so, I will just leave the appointment as I know solicitor well (female and anti-men!). If there are no conditions/bail terms etc, then I will phone WA and arrange to proceed with an emergency injunction. SS advised no contact pretty much until after solicitor, and I have sole Parental Rights for both dc (he is not on Birth Cert & confirmed by solicitor previously) so he cannot remove them from me without my say so. A copy of his Criminal Record has fallen into my lap so that may have to accompany me to the solicitors..

It's really quite sad that he has 2 ds from a previous relationship and they want nothing to do with him (but they're still in touch with me and dc). I wonder if I may need to speak to the eldest (nearly 20) about his latest antics. He knows some of what has happened so far, but I have only answered his questions instead of initiating the the subject.

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 22/12/2009 22:13

Does he have form then makkapakka? What does it say? Yes injunction good idea, I would apply for one regardless of bail conditions tbh. Good news you have PR too.

If you get on with his older dcs then yes I would maybe raise the issue when you next see them, explain factually what has gone on (assault, charges, ss, etc as he is 20 that is, I wouln't say talk to him if he was younger I don't think). Wat about the older dc's mum, do you speak to /get on with her? Bet your ex painted her as a right cruella deville didn't he?... I wouldn't rely on them in terms of babysitting or anything though (don't know if you do anyway but I used to use my older dss as a babysitter and wouldn't ask him now as I feel it would be a conflict of interest for him).

Things will come together honestly, just hang in there. How are you all, feeling any better??

OP posts:
makkapakkamoo · 23/12/2009 00:13

ATA, have messaged you. But, yes, he does have 'form'. This could be another one in the back of the net for me

wonderous women 1 - 0 wanking worms

makkapakkamoo · 24/12/2009 23:12

am wobbly tonight. is it the festive shite or the week i've had from him? i am trying to be restrained and not call him, but not know wtf is going on is hell.

Anniegetyourgun · 25/12/2009 00:03

Festive shite. Don't sweat it. Just hope he stays out of your hair until the solicitors and everyone open for business again after the holiday. And have a great time with your DCs and DSCs.

makkapakkamoo · 25/12/2009 00:32

Thank you Annie. I am proud of myself in a lot of ways, doing all the preparations & dc's gifts, but it is just tinged with sadness somehow. I really want to call him and rant but i wont do it, i dont want to mess anything up. it's a good job really that dc are so young. still going to be a bit weird watching them open their presents by myself, but then going to good ol mum's for dinner. i might even forget my mobile so i dont see it until i get back on boxing day.

i have promised myself to sneak off to bed for a few hours mn zzz tomorrow whilst all the childless aunts and uncles take their turn babysitting.

i need to gather up some examples of his behaviour to take to solicitors. so that's my project for next week or so. if any one can help or has any tips i would be grateful.

hope you all have a good one no matter what you are doing xox

mathanxiety · 26/12/2009 22:35

It's hard, but just try not to focus so much on him. If you catch yourself wondering what he's doing, what he's thinking, when he'll phone, what he'll say, then you're focusing too much on him -- which is what he wants you to do. You'll find your head clearing a bit if you can make yourself banish thoughts about him. Not easy. Try to live 'in the moment'; focus on the DCs, your mum, the weather, etc. Tell yourself you'll spend a certain amount of time on some given day gathering examples of his behaviour for the solicitors, and that is the only time you will let thoughts of him creep into your days in the meantime.

Hope Christmas was a good one for you and the DCs.

makkapakkamoo · 27/12/2009 01:07

its easy(ish) during the day but on the evening it gets hard.

we had a great one considering...but dc wanted to phone and wish their dad a happy xmas, and he wouldn't pick up.

just need to pass the days now til solicitor. hopefully by then my head will be a bit more focussed. i quite like feeling angry at him, as it makes it easier. i can't stand it when i am emotional about him, sad and hurt, and tbh this week i have wondered if he is even still alive sometimes..

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 27/12/2009 19:43

well makka lets hope he is banged up and/or has been ordered not to talk to you and that's why he hasn't been answering!

Check out my photos, I bought a framed posted today for my new house - it's my new mantra.

I wrote out a list the other day of all of ex's unreasonable behaviours and thought about how they had affected me (was an excerise in one of my books) - I found it cathartic but emotional. It made me wish I had left sooner, but I summarised to myself that I was strong in the end and that I did the right thing.

OP posts:
makkapakkamoo · 28/12/2009 01:24

that sounds like a good idea, and I do want your poster!

which book are you reading? i like those with exercises instead of just being 'talked at'.

I have started another thread to help with gathering stuff for the injunction. It's dragged on too long already, and another call to the police today has left me none the wiser (his best friend hasn't heard from him for over a week either) so i am now adopting the "no news is good news" philosophy...until the next emotional slump

WeaverBred · 28/03/2010 14:05

A really old thread, I know, but I have to thank those of you who have commented, as it has helped me out, also.

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