Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

hi there aboard, i also left my h overa year ago and went into a womens aid refuge, i was there for 6 months and at the time i often doubted if i had done the right thing, mamazon( my personal hero) and lewis and many many more helped me so so much, i am now in a lovely 2 bed flat and beginining to believe in myself again, it takes time babe and there is no quick fix soloution but we all are here to listen xxx

Thanks everyone, having people telling me it's okay to leave and sharing their stories is so helpful. If I haven't thanked you by name please don't think I have read your post and disregarded it - I am thankful for every post whether it be to share what happened to you, to support me, or encourage me - thank you.

That is what I am telling myself Mamazon - even if I can tell myself he isn't emotionally abusing me, I cannot for any longer pretend I am happy here. I have tried and I am not. We are who we are and it's not working anymore.

I can't live with a man who thinks our son's child benefit DLA, and my carer's allowance is 'household money' (in other words for anything he deems household related - not for me to spend 'frivoulously'), feels I should keep the house clean and tidy, give him constant eye contact during conversation, do everything his way, and a million other things. Yes he can be caring and affectionate at times, but it's not enough when you look at the big picture.

yes he can be loving at times but that is not enough, yes i get lonely and i wish i had someone to share the respnsibility sometimes but god its great to do what i wanna do when i wanna do it and at last not be afraid x

Aboard, I didn't think my situation was that bad either, and you know there were times when ex could be nice.

For me personally, in the end I couldn't live with the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach every time he was due to be home, the wodering as to what kid of mood he'd be in etc.

At some point in the future when the divorce is a distant memory, whenever anybody asks me about it I intend to tell them I divorced ex over a bar of toblerone (I still can't eat them to this day).

In the end, I need peace and quiet in my life, so do my children, the arguments and the sniping the constant belittling of my abilities etc, I happily live without.

Trying to find a house - they are all to far from school or won't accept housing benefit. Going head to bed and carry on the search tomorrow.

ATA

keep searching, don't give up. It might take some time for the right place to become available, but it will happen. I had to wait for a month to go to the place my friend found for me.

You've said that you don't think your situation is as bad as some others. I don't think that my situation is nearly as bad as some of the stories on here either. BUT my situation was bad for me . I could have stayed and made do. I had a way of living that got me through the week. We had a very strict routine and I knew what my role was. I dreaded every single weekend, though, because that was 48 hours with him in the house at the same time as me. I hated every single second. I was wishing my life away and - moreoever - teaching my DC how to be like me.

Life at the other side can be good. It is hard to get to where you want to be, but IMO & IME it is worth it. You're/We're worth it.

Keep strong and know that you are doing this for you and that your DS will benefit from having a strong, happy, in-control-of-herself mum.

Have been looking online for houses again this morning, there are some which are cheap but would mean a bus to school and back everyday, which would mean buying me and DS (who is 5 in a few weeks) a weekly bus pass each so time and money, and they have no front yard even, and a small back yard. Wish I could drive as loads in other direction nice and affordable but too far to walk for school and no bus! Grr.

May view the ones that require a bus ride going to walk to post office this aft and look for houses as I walk. {hopeful}

have you spoken with the council?

Hi LewisFan

Yes they were kind of helpful, now I have women's aid helping and the WA lady rang them up they became a little more helpful. I basically need to find an affordable property close to school but not too close to current home, with an accredited landlord, and then call them with the details and they will try and get me the bond scheme (where they pay it).

When I was looking at houses last time there where loads of them - now none! Must be a bad time of year to look.

Hi ATA

You've come a long way. Keep on going, these are but temporary setbacks. Something will turn up for you and your DS.

Am cheering you on from the sidelines

Attila

right, I see - I just thought they weren't helping at all

I wonder if you rang a couple agencies and explain you're fleeing abuse and need Hb whether they'd reconsider

Didn't think of that LewisFan, tbh I don't see why they don't all accept it - is it because of the wait while applying for it? Surely receiving HB means you actually are more likely to be getting your rent in on time?!
Houses simply seem to be think on the ground round here ATM so I suppose they can be more selective with their tenants.

Attila - thanks. That's what I keep thinking - something will turn up.

It has also dawned on me today that depending on the tenancy contract on the house I eventually get, I may not be allowed to bring my lovely little cat with me. Will cross that bridge when I come to it too I guess. Would have to either leave her here and ask him to take care of her, or get her rehomed. If a perfect house turned up but said no pets I would have to put me and DS first I suppose.

Anyway am off for a wander around the neighbourhood so will speak to you all later.

OH! What do you all think about my internet connection issues? Internet i now working, just as he wanted some stuff listin on ebay and the evening before I said I would take it into the shop the next day, but there is still no sim card in the slot.I thought no sim card = not working but apparently nto! Did he take it out? How is it working? Why wasn't it working all weekend? I'm confused!!

I reminded myself I am an adult. I also personally believe women are stronger than men mentally. I stood up to him. I turned the abuse back on him and told him I wanted out.

Prior to doing this I photocopied and kept records and dropped them off at a lawyers. I got advice. I made it clear he had no power over me.

In fact him having power of me would impossible. I look down on people like him who abuse others.

I remember watching a film with Nicole Kidman about a woman who has an affair with a student who she uses to kill her husband. Mine remarked jokingly that he'd better leave before I do that to him. There must have been a sinister smile to my face because he left 3 days later.

LOL

I often read the news about how women are constantly overpowered, bullied, dominated, forced down, made to wear the veil, forced into marriage, beaten, raped and wonder when we women will rise up and realise just how powerful we are. We are the mothers of men and yet the victims of them at the same time.

A friend of mine is the VP of a big company and has chosen not to have kids. She has an amzing life and is financially and emotionally independent and very happy. It is amazing to hear some of the put downs she gets. It's like we have forgotten that it is that us that does the choosing. Really is being unhappy in an unhappy marriage with a shitty career really better because you have kids?

Remember you do the choosing. You decide. You can decide to meek or you can decide to be strong. Doing nothing is in itself a choice.

Have 'found' a house! Not even seen it but good street, good size, low rent, low deposit, gardens. Will start the ball rolling tomorrow {gulp}. Keep everything crossed for me!

Fingers crossed for you ATA!!!!!!!!!!

legrandfromage, you brought me back there, I had forgotten how much I used to dread the weekends.

Good for you AboardtheAziom!

ATA, just caught up with your thread because I moved house a few weeks ago and have just got my broadband up and running. But the good news is that this is my new home after leaving my EA partner.

I left on 27th July (won't forget that date) and I cannot believe how incredibly different things are already. Mumsnet was a huge help to me, especially reading the posts from other women who had got away and how they all said they wished they had done it sooner. I am so proud that I am now one of them and you will feel equally proud when it's you.

So many similarities with your story and the others. And that for me has been one of the key things; for seven years I was told it was all me, I was this and I was that. But now having read more and heard more, I can see how textbook it all was.

I also had trouble initially thinking my situation wasn't that bad. But it was - emotional, psychological, sexual and financial. I think it is almost too much to take in at once and that's why you need to take it day by day.

I didn't say I have to leave on X date, but every day I put away one more thing - bank statements, DD's winter clothes. passports. The dates just fell together and I suddenly realised I had less than 100 hours with him - that was mindblowing. I left with just a note on the table at the urging of Mumsnetters, WA and my GP. It was actually my GP saying 'you have to leave now' that spurred me on. Please tell your GP as it's useful in the future and they can also prescribe you sleeping tablets and anti-depressants which really helped me.

You're doing really well, keep going

As a recent mover do you have any tips for me Queenofdenial? You sound like you were quite organised, how did you find it moving in one day like that? It feels like I will be organising a military operation!

I forgot to tell you all, my sister is now in the loop. I called her all panicky when I thought he had taken the sim card out of my dongle. After I had told her I kind of got this no going back feeling of dread, am relieved she will be there for me but if I think too much it's too much.

Take it one day at a time and accept all the help you can get. Glad your sister is Aboard.

This house this is in such a great location! I really hope I can get it. Walked down this street looking yesterday and didn't see a sign up.

Out of desperation I emailed the full list of accredited landlords hoping to get lucky. I also have another house on a not quite as nice street that I can fall back on if this one ends up going. Eek.

Your head must be about to explode with all the balls that are up inthe air.

am thinking of you axiom... fingers crossed

If I counted the balls my head would explode maggie.

math - I do need to get more help in place, I find it very difficult to ask people for help, or to graciously accept help instead of saying 'don't worry I'll be fine'.

Will find out in a day or two if council will pay my moving in fees on the house. Going to try to arrange a viewing.

Can't apply for community care grant until I have a tenancy. Can't apply for income support and housing benefit until I am out of here as he will realise. Just waiting right now. I have IBS and it has really flared up, getting horrible stomach cramps. Took some Kalms this morning.

Lewisfan - thanks

Been to library this morning and taken out some poetry collections. One of them is titled '101 poems to keep you sane'
There is a section at the end called what are you waiting for. The poems in it are very fitting to my situation.

Hi Axiom, that's a lot of progress in a short space of time! This part is hard, no doubt about it. Good luck with it!

When you leave, ring for a crisis loan to keep you ticking over. Don't let them fob you off - go in heavy!