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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

627 replies

AboardtheAxiom · 08/09/2009 10:34

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

OP posts:
HoneyBadger · 08/09/2009 22:40

Hello AboardtheAxiom

I left my emotionally abusive husband earlier this year and I thought it might help if you read my thread at the time, which I wrote just before I escaped and when H was becoming suspicious. (Sorry can't do links). It tells some of my story.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=relationships&threadid=703369-Trying-to-leave-I-39-m-i n-meltdown

I also had a previous thread where I was trying to come to terms with it being abuse and a final one where I was panicking I would lose my children.

I didn't lose my children and I'm safe and happy in my own home now. For me the hardest part was coming to terms with H behavior as I was very brainwashed having been with him for 20 odd years. The actual day of leaving was pretty horrendous, 10 out of 10 on the stressometer - but it was one day of my life and the only way I could be free.

Good luck, you sound more confident already!

ilovepiccolina · 08/09/2009 23:01

OK, I wasn't in the same league as some of you, I was lucky in that at the time I didn't have dch to consider. Anyway here goes..

I was raped at 16 & suffered emotionally. If it hadn't been for that I wouldn't have married young but I met a bloke at 17 who told me he loved me, & married at 18.5. He was 20. Things were OK for a while but we had nothing in common, money troubles etc. He started drinking & we were both frustrated, lived in a horrible flat & couldn't see a way out. He started to hit me, I used to goad him, enjoyed the making up and how bad he felt - "I'll never do it again". (Yeah, right.) I played the victim, he blacked my eye three times, but it wasn't all his fault.

Then I met someone else. Nice, normal, fancied me. He persuaded me that I should go, but I didn't know how to leave. One morning he turned up when DH was out & I just walked out, with him. He took me to a friends house and stayed with me. DH found me after a couple of days, insisted he loved me, would change. New BF stood by me when I said No & DH hit me in anger! New BF & I eventually got a flat together. We didn't last, but it served a purpose...

The lesson I want to pass on is - get help. Make a plan, organise somewhere to go, and get friends/family/agencies to help you. Don't worry about the long term, just get out.

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 09/09/2009 07:44

I am having to delay my day of going into town til tomorrow as I have a friend coming round. Although this will delay things by one day, I am hoping I can be brave enough to open up to her and get some RL support.

mathanxiety - I understand what you mean, I have noticed I get anxious when he is due home from work, putting toys away and looking round the house.

popcorn - it's nice to hear your dcs are more confident and happy now, I hope the same is true for my DS.

lewisfan - I will go through my threads one by one yes and write down examples for housing person, and I think I will print out threads for whe I do go into WA, thanks mathanxiety for that suggestion as they have all the details in.

honeybadger - tried putting your thread in adress bar but it wouldn't work, glad you made that break. I think my leaving will be similar, one day of upset wih immediate consequences, and him making me feel awful about just up and going ad tellingeveryone about it.

ilovepiccolina - you are right, I do need some RL person to support me too, am hoping to rope someone into the mess that is my life today!

I think having a physical list of things I can look at would actually be very helpful to me for when I am doubting myself too.

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Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 09/09/2009 10:55

pal from school didn't stay long, so didn't get chance to bring up my problems.
Trying to print out my threads, got one printed and now printer is playing up. Thought would print them all, have some lunch and go into town, getting all stressed now though as nothing today seems to be going to plan.

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NicknameTaken · 09/09/2009 11:27

Some days are like that - it doesn't have to derail you. Can you put the info you want into a single doc, email it to yourself and print it out in town?

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 09/09/2009 11:36

I thought of doing that NN but can't afford the printing as would be a lot to print! I got one thread printed so don't know what's up with the damn thing!

I am trying not to feel derailed! I am also trying to lose weight at the moment and am desperately trying to resist having a huge pig out session. I have to keep telling myself I am doing the right thing and TBH I still don't quite believe myself - I am hoping eventually I will.

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NicknameTaken · 09/09/2009 11:43

Could you just copy and paste in one doc your OPs, leaving out the answers you got? Quicker and cheaper to print.

About the weight, perhaps you could go easy on yourself for a bit? You don't necessarily need to do lots of hard things at the same time. One thing at a time. Personally, I think you deserve something nice if you manage to print everything out!

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 09/09/2009 11:49

I think I am going to buy myself a nice chocolate bar later as a reward. I am not starving myself or anything and I don't want to stop the weightloss as it is something I am doing for myself which is giving me a boost, I am doing well and it feels nice to be doing something just for me.

Could do that with the OPs, still can't get it printing again though

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cestlavielife · 09/09/2009 12:07

ditto what popcorn said... similar...and dcs much happier.

not an easy ride as he still wont accept the situation.

is still causing issues over contact and financial. i physically moved out with the dcs in april 08.

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 09/09/2009 12:12

sorry to hear you are still having troubles with him cestlavielife how old are your dcs? Culd you look into contact centres? Sorry if this has already been considered, not familiar with your story.

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Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 09/09/2009 13:49

ANYONE AROUND?? I am in the library in town and it won't let my access my threads, could someone if they have the time please copy them into word (each thread) and email it to me please?

I have Sept07, but need to print the others too. They are on my other thread that is linked to my OP. Hope someone is around as time is short and I really wanted to print them. Am assuming it's the library security software won't let me open them

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Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 09/09/2009 13:50

K a y [dot] s a m u e l s [at] h o t m a i l [dot] c o [dot] u k

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NicknameTaken · 09/09/2009 13:53

I'll do some for you. OP only?

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 09/09/2009 13:55

Erm, copy the full thread if that's okay and I will scan read through the thread and cut it down to print. Thanks so much NN.

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Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 09/09/2009 13:58

I actually feel a bit better doing this out of the house, the post man klnocked on the front door earlier while I was trying to print stuff at home and I jumped out of my skin.

OP posts:
Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 09/09/2009 14:04

Are you there NN?

OP posts:
Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 09/09/2009 14:13

I need to leave here soon to get to school on time

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NicknameTaken · 09/09/2009 14:16

will do it but it'll take me 20 mins or slow (computer running a bit slow).

NicknameTaken · 09/09/2009 14:29

okay, done.

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 09/09/2009 15:54

Hi again NicknameTaken - I had to go earlier but thank you so much for taking the time to do that for me, it's was very kind of you. I am hoping I will have more success getting a few of my little steps done tomorrow!

I had also been into a DVD trading shop yesterday and the tills weren't working! Not a good day for getting things done.

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NicknameTaken · 09/09/2009 16:44

Hi Aboard, no problem, some days things don't go your way! Good luck tomorrow - let us know how you get on!

mathanxiety · 09/09/2009 16:58

It's great to have a list to keep you from getting wobbly and remembering the good times too fondly. Some of the items on my (long) list were 'just little things' if you were to take them one by one, or if you didn't hear the tone of voice or see the body language, but added all together they painted a sorry picture and the patterns were very clear. Can I add that my DCs are no longer tight-lipped and tense. Putting a stop to it was a good decision for their sakes. The only thing I regret was not doing it sooner. Go ahead and have that bar of choc .

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 09/09/2009 17:04

I had a crunchie

need to go now as due home soon and want to sort laptop out.

OP posts:
Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 10/09/2009 12:57

Decided I need to calm down abit as I kept waking up lastnight/ this morning, worrying about stuff in my sleep. I am getting too stressed out and anxious.

I have looked at a house nearby that is nice, and could imagine living in - will probably be gone by time I have fnances in order but feels good that I am coming around to the idea of living elsewhere.

Have done some listings of clothes for sale to earn a little cash, hopefully will have a small but handy emergency fund that way when I leave - even if it just feeds us for a couple of weeks whilst money is sorted.

I have nothing scheduled that I hve to stick to tomorrow so am hoping tomorrow will be the day I can finally go into the housing office. {fingers crossed}

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Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 11/09/2009 08:30

Results of Verbal and Emotional Abuse, from the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness:

A distrust of her spontaneity
A loss of enthusiasm
An uncertainty about how she is coming across
A concern that something is wrong with her
An inclination to reviewing incidents with the hopes of determining what went wrong
A loss of self-confidence
A growing self-doubt
An internalized critical voice
A concern that she isn?t happier and ought to be
An anxiety or fear of being crazy
A sense that time is passing and she?s missing something
A desire not to be the way she is, e.g. ?too sensitive,? etc.
A hesitancy to accept her perceptions
A reluctance to come to conclusions
A tendency to live in the future, e.g. ?Everything will be great when/after ??
A desire to escape or run away
A distrust of future relationships

This is me! Am off to take DS to school then going to housing office. Just hope someone can help me get out of here.

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