Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

We can be your fairy godmothers! I know too well that horrible overwhelmed and upset feeling. But the things you are doing are helping. Just remember - a little every day. If it all seems too overwhelming, just plan to do one thing before lunch and one thing this afternoon.

Difficult when you see your DS upset. Remind yourself that you are doing the best for him by getting out. It will happen.

I was thinking about you this weekend as well. Where you are is a horrible place to be, but it will get better for you and for him. When he gets back from school, the two of you should just cuddle on the sofa and watch rubbish TV. Very therapeutic.

Hi QoD

Yes will definately be giving DS a big cuddle session, think we will both need it. Back in a bit, going to do a few more emails.

Hi everyone, I have had another bad day - been to the hospital for a bladder test which I found very humiliating and uncomfortable, and there is now confusion over what op I will have, who will see me next and when. Anyway came home really , checked my emails and there is one from an estate agent. Nice house, nice street, will consider accepting tenants on housing benefit. Am going to view it on Thursday morning! I am hoping it is a good sign that things are looking up.

Feel guilty though as came out of hospital upset this morning and DP rang me really caring and supportive. I know I need to leave but at moments like that it feels so hard. It is also hard to imagine as I don't have many people in my life to depend on, and worry I will have no suport when I move, but I can't stay unhappy like this either. Sigh.

One caring phone call is a bit of a drop in the ocean, though. The devil you know is sometimes preferable to the devil you don't, and in the beginning you feel as if you've swapped one kind of unhappiness for another, but at least you can personally do something about difficulties in your new life, whereas in the old one, your life is revolving around the H and his whims and moods -- not much of a life, really, and certainly not about you.

Spot on mathanxiety, at least when I have just me and DS to worry about I may have a bit more energy for the task. He does things and I have to wonder, do you do these things to grind me down. An example is he never shuts doors or drawers, but leaves them open, or will leave the tihing that belongs in his toiletries draw in the bathroom on top of it. I shut the draw/door/put item away. If I mention it I sound like a nit picking harpy, if I don't I am at multiple points during the day following him round closing bloody doors and drawers and I can't help but wonder if he does it on purpose.

Am off to the post office today.

Did anyone else find they had what they would class as good spells between them and their ex whilst they were plannin to leave? Makes me all confused and conflicted at the time, am just riding out any wobbles as I know long term what I need to do but it's so hard sometimes.

Hope house is nice tomorrow that I'm going to see.

Did anyone else find they had what they would class as good spells between them and their ex whilst they were plannin to leave? Makes me all confused and conflicted at the time, am just riding out any wobbles as I know long term what I need to do but it's so hard sometimes.

Hope house is nice tomorrow that I'm going to see.

Did anyone else find they had what they would class as good spells between them and their ex whilst they were plannin to leave? Makes me all confused and conflicted at the time, am just riding out any wobbles as I know long term what I need to do but it's so hard sometimes.

Hope house is nice tomorrow that I'm going to see.

I think there are good spells because you have suddenly become optimistic about the future, not because things have improved dramatically. You have got to the point that you just don't sweat the bad stuff so much any more because you know it will end soon. The glass has become half full instead of half empty. Instead of being mired in the present, endlessly shutting all those doors and drawers and having nothing to look forward to tomorrow except more of the same you can now look forward to the future. Just think of what you will be able to accomplish when you have all that energy and optimism all for yourself and your DS in your new home.

mathanxiety is right, but there is also the whole cycle of abusive relationships which includes this honeymoon phase. Sorry, too tired to write much tonight but lots of the other longer emotional abuse threads on here go into it.

Also, if you haven't read it yet, I would seriously recommend getting the Lundy Bancroft book 'Why Does He Do That' (amazon etc.). It's still the best I've come across and very well written.

Have heard the bancroft book recommended before, would like to read it but don't feel comfortable having it in the house TBH.

Been to view the house, very nice but guy said as he gave me the forms "lots of interest so...". Also can someone explain 'application fees' to me? Am I right in thinking this is a payment simply to apply to rent the house and you may be turned down? They wanted my application fee, then would send letter off to council with details of bond scheme. Seems a bit dodgy to me. Am also seeing a house at 12:30 today, and one on Monday as I figure best not to put alll my eggs in one basket and would happily take any of these 3 houses just on location.

Bit disheartening though. Seems to me they just want whoever can hand over a wad of cash deposit and fees first, they will get the house. If I get chance will call or go into housing office again this afternoon.

God. There are some incredible women on this thread.

I'm sorry, I really don't deserve to be here and please don't tell me off for being patroning- I'm not.

I am truAly humbled.

Good luck ATA

You have taken the biggest step already - you have come to the realisation that you have to leave.

You don't have aspergers my love, you've just had all the confidence and life sucked out of you.

I don't need to put why I left my ex, as each post I read here has got one or more of the things in that I recognise from my old life.

I didn't have children with him, but it was still hard enough.

What really helped me though, was hearing almost from a voice in my head:

People split up all the time, its just that today its you. What seems like unsurmountable organising, upheaval and stress is what other people do every day and it always seems very straightforward for them. Just keep at it; every time you think 'I can't do this' tell yourself its only HIM and the way he's knocked all your confidence thats making you think that.

My ex started to say 'if you go then its a waste of the past 5 years' but I knew that every day longer I spent there was a day wasted.

Whereabouts are you, can you meet up with someone for chats, that seemed to help an awful lot with a very long thread earlier this year - and that lady got out!

Just read the whole thread,

you don't have good spells, you have not so bad spells because all you have to compare them to is the crap most of the time.

My ex was lovely to me whenever I was ill. These men like to be in control and they feel more in control when you are being weak and helpless, ie ill.

Thanks megglaveche and flibberty -

it does feel unsurmountable, tbh I feel like that about a lot of things and I think you are right, it's that I feel so low and worn down in myself that it seems that way.

I'm sure sometimes its when he does feel me becoming distant that he goes all kind and thoughtful. I have looked at the cycle of abuse and it is familiar to our relationship pattern, althoug only since having DS. I think this is because before I only had him to please so I went along with things, was laid back etc, whereas now he is 2nd place. He has told me before that when DS came along he was jealous and felt pushed out. In my mind even before DS was born he had changed.

"You don't have good spells, you have not so bad spells" I raised an eyebrow in agreement at this - it's true and I need to keep it in mind.

When I look back at a 'good spell' with xdh (ex dick head!!!)

I now see that its about equal to a really really bad spell with my lovely dp that I've been with 10 years now.

Can you say whereabouts you are?

I only say that because meeting up with someone in person helped a LOT for someone else with a thread like this earlier in the year.

My ex was also lovely lovely lovely to our two kittens. Someone told me years later that Hitler was nice to small fluffy animals.

I have to go to work in a bit but will check back later. I think an application fee is a bit wierd for the housing thing, and if you are feeling like things aren't in place yet then its not properly time to go.

If you go through Womens refuge and stay with them for a bit, you get all the help with rehousing etc that you can. On a previous thread one bit of advice was to keep the school informed straight away when you decide to go - they will have seen it countless times before, they'll only want the best interests of the children to be met and won't judge you or interfere.

Do you have childrens services (sure start centres) in your area, they have professionals to talk to about all this and can help you get sorted, in fact the school should be able to refer you.

Got to go now, dp is coming home to mind ds2 while I go to work - not going cos he will mind me being on mumsnet, but because he has no idea about my ex and I don't want this lovely man to think that I was ever in that position, he met me when my confidence and self esteem had made a full recovery and I never want him to know about all this in my past. (Well he knows edh was not very nice but I leave it at that).

I am in H u l l not sure if anyone local to me on here anymore could do a shout out I guess, would be nice to have a natter with someone over a cuppa.

I know he would look after cat if I had to leave it here, she is my cat (was a gift from him) but he is kind to her, I could always say I would provide her food. She was a rescue cat and I would be heartbroken for her if I had to have her rehomed. She is such a timid little thing. He may fuss over it, make me feel bad, etc - but will cross that bridge when I come to it, you never know may be able to take her. If not company for him.

It's lovely you have a good man now flibberty.

The only thing stopping me going into a refuge is the effect it would have on DS, also if I am in my own home I know I wouldn't go back, in a refuge with DS regressing and being anxious and upset. Would rather move from house to house.

Do need to get school more in the loop I think. Head teacher wrote me a letter for housing about DS's situation, but doesn't know why I am trying to move.

Have you found out the answer to the appliation fees issue?

Other house I've just seen is not as nice cosmetically, and smaller than the one I saw this morning, but one I could gradually do up to how I wanted it. Has had an elderly smoker in it and needs a good airing out! Nice front and back garden, and letting agent has cancelled this evenings viewings for me so I can go into the office tomorrow and get the ball rolling with council bond scheme and so on.

Feeling a bit cautious, still not wanting to think I have it in case council say no. Women's aid lady said the council will probably pay my fees as they don't want a security deposit so I hope she is right. Tomorrow I need to go into estate agents, then women's aid to get community care grant form filled in, and also go into housing office. How am I gonna fit all that in!!??

Just seen a council house in their weekly listings, could walk from it to school - not a terrible distance for DS, and almost half the rent cost a week of private renting. Might put a bid in for it. Although probably won't get it as everyone bids on the houses they want and then the bidder with the most need gets that house.

Don't know what to think or do for best.

You might just be the one with the most need. Why not take the plunge? The worst they can say is sorry, you didn't get it, and meanwhile, there seem to be other houses coming up for consideration -- once you get the grants, etc., sorted you'll probably have even more options. Keep on plugging away, one day at a time.

Any house is just four walls and a roof; you are the one who will make it a home. Where you are now is familiar, but not much of a home, thanks to your H. Definitely do approach the school with the whole story, because they can look out for your DS and how he's coping when moving time comes.

I think I am going to bid on the council house. It is walkable (just), will be bigger (private rented one was tiny), and low rent so will have a little more money each month. It's a gamble though as I might not get it and the private house may go to someone else while I am waiting to find out about the council one.

I have a headache.

So housing office - and women's aid today.

let us know how you get on today

Sorry, work and childcare has kept me away from Mumsnet for a few days. So inconsiderate.

Flibbertyjibbet (sooo jealous of your user name) - I remember your mantra 'people split up every day, today it happens to be me' so well. It became my mantra and it really helped me keep it together. I kept repeating it to myself sitting at Bristol airport with DD when we left. And it's true - that's the best thing about it.

ATA - you are doing super well. The application fee sounds dodgy IMO. I'm a private landlord (boo hiss) and I've never heard of this. Contract fees and letting fees yes, but not just to apply.

Think of getting a house as dating - it's a numbers game. Just keep viewing and it will come together. And it is just a house, you will make it a home. I struggled with leaving my quaint four bed cottage in a beautiful rural village and leaving my cats behind. But both DD and I love living in our modern box on an estate - it's light, happy and feels safe. I see it in her as well. I told DD's school thestory and they are completely cool with it - they immediately understood my concerns about collection, will understand her reactions a bit better - it's worth doing.

Don't discount going to a refuge - they can be OK. This link helped me get my head round it:

www.womensaid.org.uk/virtualrefuge/

Glad you're in regular touch with WA. They might have the Bancroft book (or Pat Craven's Living with the Dominator) which you could read there. I'm in Bristol (nowhere near Hull!) but happy to e-mail you my phone number. My address is queenofdenial2009 at googlemail dot com

Keep us posted and good luck.