Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

how you getting on today axiom?

you WILL get out - it's just a matter of practicalities and time...

Not great TBH.

Been to housing office, was awful had to speak to a man and give DP's name during the form filling. Not much council housing at all near DS's school so private rent looks most likely. To apply (no guarantee of getting it) for bond to be paid by council funds I will need to prove I have 'bid' on and not got 3 council houses. The guy was informative and realistic I suppose.

Feel pretty hopeless TBH - was thinking when I came out how it would be easier to throw myself into staying here and trying to make things better. Then I read that list again that I posted this morning.

The guy in housing office filled in forms with me, referred me to a DV team who will support me more and will need more details of my situation, and told me about an organisation that offers furniture packages, and about the community care grant and social loan for things I might need.

Might ring women's aid back but I don't know what they can do really. Just feel very alone in my thoughts at the moment.

Ring them - even just to rant... they might have other ideas for housing

would you consider a WA hostel?

The lady on the phone on Tuesday asked me if I wanted to go into the hostel - I couldn't do it to DS, he hates change, that's why I want to stay near his school. I don't know if I could bus to school and back I could I suppose. But what about all our stuff? He has loads of toys, all our clothes?

am I doing the right thing here planning to leave??

yes, you absolutely are.... it's going to be hellish to plan but so, so worth it

how old is DS? does he have SN that makes change difficult? How far is the hostel from school?

I'm just wondering if you could discuss it with him in a way he may understand...

As Lewis says, it will be hellish to plan, but you have to start somewhere and you have made a start. Phone the 24 hour WA number, just talk, let it all out and keep posting here. You are doing the right thing, you want and deserve a better life for you and your child.

He has HFA high functioning autism or aspergers, not officially diagnosed yet but yes really struggles with change. If we go a different route in a car he will sob for example. Moving house will be a big change but I think as I will be there he will be okay I'm hoping}. We are very close.

Not sure where hostel is, I could go to one with him, and store clothes and toys at someone's house I guess. I think I need the support TBH.

Just opened an online savings account - now just need some money to put in it.

You said it yourself, you need the support. Small steps and all, give WA a call, chat, tell them your worries, you don't have to commit to going to the hostel right now.

will call them now

Good, just have a good ramble, get it off your chest and hopefully things may be a little clearer. Keep posting.

Thanks InspiredbutTired and Lewisfan - I honestly think if you hadn't replied to me I owuld have decided to let this whole thing die. Women's aid lady was really helpful, spoke with council and has given me a task list for Monday. She asked me how I wanted supporting and I couldn't bring myself to say to her 'tell me I'm doing the right thing', and 'don't let me talk myself out of this'.

ATA,

Thank goodness for both LewisFan and InspriredButTired I say.

I will also tell you via MN that you are doing the right thing by you both getting away from this abusive partner of yours.

You're doing great so far; you've come a long way.

Have you ever talked to the NAS (National Autistic Society) about your son; they can be helpful too. How far are you along the process of getting a diagnosis?. How's he doing at school?.

Will check in on this thread of yours on Monday.

With best wishes

Attila

Hey, good job on phoning them. It is all too easy to talk yourself out of leaving because you don't want the situation to be real and also it will be a long haul. Said before that you both deserve better so try and keep that in the back of your mind when the going gets tough, in time everything will be so much better for you.

Hi everyone, I am posting from my mum's PC as my internet dongle will not connect since I tried on Saturday morning - I have not let on that I have realised but HE has taken the sim card out of it!!! .

Will only be on here about 10 mins, then will try to get online again tomorrow at the library maybe. I have told him I think dongle is broken/faulty and am going to take it back to the shop in the morning so I am hoping he panics and puts the sim back in it. Be interested in others views on this new development. When I realised yesterday I completely panicked and threw clothes in a bag, then calmed down and decided to play dumb to bide my time as ideally I would like to go from current house to new house and WA and council seem happy to help me with this.

If I can find a suitable property tomorrow I can apply for the bond scheme you see and get the ball rolling.

It's really frustrating not having internet at home but in a way he has done me a favour as I am so pissed off with him about it (quitely seething), it is helping me to not feel guilty.

Hope someone is online to read this as can't stay online for long.

Hi, you poor thing. I totally understand how you must be feeling because I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 6 years, almost 15 years ago. Each day I would be terified of what would happen, what mood would he be in, would I be hurt again and if so how to cover the marks. The crunch for me happend when one night, he was holding my hair and banging me head on the kitchen floor when I actually - I swear it's true - heard my brains sloshing about in my head and thought 'if I don't get out he's going to kill me, or leave me brain damaged.' I knew then I had to get out, also I thought to myself, 'can I see myself with him into old age, is he the one I want to spend the rest of my life with?' The answer was a resounding 'NO' so I knew I had to do it. The problem was, we had 2 dogs, mortgage etc so I couldn't just pack a bag and leave, I felt I had responsibilities, so once the decision was clear in my head that I was going to leave it was just a matter of when and how. I didn't have children back then which was a blessing, but I made as many enquiries as I could to all sorts of places -housing assoc, council, benefits, refuges etc- about my options. I promise, promise, promise you, there are people who will help you. If, like me you kept it hidden from family/friends out of shame, I beg of you to tell someone. Anyone, just someone you know you can trust not to blab it all over the place because you will need their support in the coming weeks/months. I won't lie and say it was easy because it wasn't, but I will say that by leaving I believe I saved my own life and sanity.
I truly hope you find the strength to leave this man because I don't think for one minute you have any mental disorder, what you have, my girl, is no self esteem at all and that must be stopped NOW for your own sake to give you the strength to do what you know is needing to be done. Good luck, we're all here for you whenever you need us. xx

Thanks redwiner for posting, it is an awful situation to be in. I am not being physically abused thankfully, but I am a stage like you got to where I know I don't want to contiinue the relationship. I was finding it hard sneaking around and feeling guilty but his anctics with my internet dongle have simply confirmed I am doing the right thing.

it wont be easy.
but the greatest prizes are hardest won.

My story has been told many times on here.

He used every form of abuse possible, he would rape me in front of my son, would replace my contraceptive's so that i would get pregnant just so he could beat me up and force a MC.
he would beat me daily, he refused to work so i funded everything.

i tried kicking him out many times. i had him charged once but he and his mother persudaded me to drop the charges. the police were called by neighbours many many times. so many in fact that SS told me that if i called the police again the children were going to be placed on the at risk register.
so now he knew he could beat me over and over and there was nothing i could do to stop him.

I finally left when DD was 10 weeks old.
i left in the middle of the night and broke into my dead grandads empty house. i was too scared and embarrassed to tell anyone what was going on so couldn't ask for help. in the end i had 2 children with no food heating or electricity so i called my parents.
they called womens aid and organised me a place at a refuge.
i stayed there for 6 months whilst i sorted my finances out and organised a new home.
I moved away from my home and lost contact with everyone i knew for fear of him finding us.

I shouldnt have bothered as within 3 months of us being there he had found us.
he would come and batter on my front door and the neighbours would complain. the police would come but iu was so scared i would lose the house that i covered up for him.
he continued to abuse me as before.

then my parents moved to where i am now. a place i had never even heard of so knew he wouldn'#t have.
i moved in with them. mum and dad and my 7 yiunger siblings still at home, me and my 2 dc's all living in a small 4 bed house.
it was 6 months of hell until the council offered me a place.

it basically took me almost 2 years from leaving him that night to finally being sorted and free from him.

but i am now 5 years down the line and my life is so different it is almost impossible to believe.
I am now with someone that loves me, properly loves me. who wouldn't dream of talking to me like that and certainly not forcing to do anything i wouldn't want to.
(fgs i have to beg him t talk dirty to me cos he's worried i'll take it the wrong way!)

It will be a long road and you will have times when you will wonder if what you are doing is right. but there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, however dim it may seem at times.

you need to trust your own abilities as a mother and not allow him to tell you otherwise.

i wish you the very best of luck in getting free from this man.

I don't know if you want any more stories because the thread seems to have moved on (no time to read properly just now, will come back to it later).

I, too, left an emotionally abuseive man. The way he was crept up on me. I had friends telling me for YEARS that he was bullying me. I was so far gone that I saw it as him caring about me. I feel I colluded with him in the fantasy of us being better as just a twosome against the world. He criticised me constantly, told me he had to clean/do certain things around the house because I was too slovenly to do it properly, refused to do anything special for birthdays etc. Somehow was able to twist everything so that I ended up thinking it was all my fault. I turned into a doormat trying to please him. Just as I started to do one thing his "better" way, he'd find something else that needed improvement. One of his favourite things to do was to ignore me if I was speaking to him unless I said something interesting. During this time I lost someone important to me and I decided that life was way too short to be so very miserable. Then his bullying turned physical and it was the final straw (he still denies he attacked me).

A friend found somewhere for me to stay and I did a flit. It took be the best part of a decade and a death to get me there, though.

I can't say that I haven't ever looked back and wondered what on Earth I've done, but I think that this is partly because I now have more of myself back and (ironically) have the strength not to put up with this kind of behaviour.

Stay focussed on where you want to be in the not too distant future. Life it too short to waste it being unhappy. I'm not talking about full-on hedonism, but everyone has the right to be happy and to feel secure, safe loved, wanted etc especially in their own home.

Thank you mamazon.

I do need to go now but will check back in tomorrow. I have said it before but I dont know what I would do without mumsnet.

You have to make the decision and be 100% certain that you're sure,and that you can't be talked in to staying. Because if you leave once and come back, it's even harder to leave the 2nd time.

Leave once, mean it, don't justify it, don't look for his approval or understanding because you wno't get it.

You have to leave and know that you're strong enough to withstand his bad opinion of you. Because he'll never GET it. BUT, you'll be free.

He isn't reasonable now, so he won't become reasonable after you leave.

I put up with it for oooh 11 years. I was married to him at 19.

My plight was compounded by the fact that culturally there is a huge stigma if a woman gets divorced in our society.

I pretty much suffered in silence, except for one very close friend who I told from day one. She'd try and give me advice or just be there for me (god bless her).

He also isolated me from friends and family, first we moved away from my family, then he would just point blank refuse to let me go out to meet friends, then I wasn't allowed to speak to friends on the phone! He eventually tried to make me give up my job too. But I could/would not do the last, because he didn't give me any money, I paid the mortgage and brought groceries and childrens things, he'd then scream at me for wasting money It got so bad I'd just let him buy my childrens clothes from the market, the clothes would be really awful, and really big eg he insisted that we buy dd1 (aged 4 then), tights for girls aged 13! Apparently she would grow into them!

I wasn't allowed to learn to drive, I wasn't allowed to buy gifts for friends (all with my money). I wasn't allowed to buy chocolate!

He'd go out with friends and buy whatever he wanted mostly with my money!

One day we had an argument, he told me I was ugly and worthless and had no money despite working my arse off since the age of 16. He laughed in my face. So I decided I wasn't going to spend a single penny on household items, it was really ridiculous but I just really lost it. After the argument he decided he wanted to take a shower, however every item he picked up eg towel soap shampoo had been bought from my money, which I was very happy to point out! What with being worthless and useless I figured he'd want to shower using his own bath stuff!

About a week after that I needed to go shopping, he gave me money (I just point blank refused to spend my money), when I got home he went thro the grocery list, and he began an argument which turned physical over my purchase of a toblerone! That was the point I decided I couldn't do it any more. I didn't want this to be the only example my children would have of a relationship, I didn't want to beg for every little scrap thrown my way.

However I did not leave, it took about a couple of weeks or so later, when I thought he was going to kill me in front of my youngest child, he actually called the police about twenty four hours later claiming I was threatening to kill him (I was getting ready for work, and ignoring him actually). When the police got there I finally cracked and told them what was happening, I have to say the police in our area have possibly the best domestic violence team ever!
They were symptathetic, understanding and put him on bail long enough for me to get a non molestation order against ex and begin divorce proceedings.

Once I had made my mind up that was it. I cried an ocean tho the evening I started divorce proceedings, I rang my friend and spoke to her for hours and cried and cried, my friend told me 'Darling I always knew he was a complete waste of air, but you were the one who had to decide that for yourself'

Two years down the line for me, and no regrets, I am going thro a lot of legal stuff because he pretty much tried to run off with the equity on our house, but inspite of that I love going home after work, I cook when I want I eat out when I want, I'm getting re-acquainted with all my friends again, I can dress how I want, get my hair cut the way I want. And best of all my world is me and my children and it's very tranquil, my children are no longer frightened timid little things too scared to make noise incase ex took exception to it!

Fuzzywuzy, I read your post and it really resonates, the money thing I mean.

I left an agressive NPD, but he was a nightmare over money. Talked me into not going back to work when I was on maternity leave. We had no joint account, house in his name, not married, he paid off my barclaycard bill at the end of the month but went through it with a fine tooth comb. He gave me about 80 of cash a month and that was it. ONly for the children's allowance I would have been so desperate. He swanned around in ted baker stuff and had two motor bikes and a 30k car. I wasn't allowed to drive it because I hadn't passed my test and he wouldn't pay for lessons.

anyway my breaking point was similar. we were in Robert Dyas in Guildford, and we needed a saucepan. He made me get the absolute cheapest one. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I'm back online my internet dongle is working again! Don't know what to make of it TBH...

Some of these stories are terrible - I'm so pleased to hear you are all happy now without these 'men' around. Have to day your stories in a way are making me wonder if my situation is bad enough. I hope you all understand what I mean by that and aren't offended.

I am soo worried about keeping strong. I keep having to just think one step ahead - if I think any further on I get too stressed out.

i understand completley that feeling of things not being bad enough.

I used to think that too. i know that you will have read my post and wont understand that but its true. i really didn't think that it was severe enough to take my children away from their dad.

But what you need to nkow is that you are unhappy. whether you think that your situation mirrors anyone elses or not is irrlevent. all you need to know is that its no good for you and your Dc.

as for staying strong. you will find strength you never knew you had. the desire to keep your children safe is overwhelming and those instincts will kick in once you have gone.