Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

[tired] I can't sleep tonight even though I am shattered. Feel all teary still - am meant to be in school in the morning for a family kind of thing, don't think I can face it (there will be nosy mums there asking me about move/split and I am likely to burst into tears or tell them to piss off, either of which I would be mortified by as I have to see them nearly every day for next 6 years.

Also need to try to find us some beds. Am finding most 2nd hand sales are pick up only, as are the cheaper homewares shops, and the ones that do deliver I don't have enough money for. Sorry I guess I'm feeling a little sorry for myself this evening. Am going to try to get to sleep again I think, if I don't come back on will be back on tonight.

Thanks nannanina so much, have replied.

Go easy on yourself - you have my permission to skip the school thing with the nosy mums!

Good luck with the bed-hunt - a good night's sleep makes a big difference. Could you compromise with a mattress on the floor for now? It can be pretty comfortable.

Hi ATA - thanks for your e mail and you don't need to find the "right" words! Sorry to hear you are feeling teary again but as others have said, it really is to be expected. You need to think of the past years of abuse as being almost like an illness from which you have to recover, and it will take time. I can remember now (almost 40 years on) how lost and alone and sad I felt when I was living in a horrible rented house with my little boy. Like you I knew I never wanted to go back, but I just felt so awful. I had a 2 bar electric fire, (and it was a freezing winter that year) and a really uncomfortable hard chair thing (can still remember what colour is was!) - someone gave me a sofa a bit later on and we did have a double bed but it had an awful sagging mattress. When my son had gone to bed at night I used to fall asleep and sleep and sleep. Oh lord even remembering it all makes me feel sad. BUT, things changed, slowly so much for the better - I won't go on about that because this is your story not mine, but things will get better for you too, honest. You only have to read other MNs on these threads to know that.

Re the school thing. You are unsurprisingly feeling a bit hyper sensitive about the reaction of others. Yes there may be afew noseyparkers, but in the main I think most people are just too caught up in their own lives to be bothered too much about others, so I wouldn't worry too much. Maybe you could practice a sentence or two said in as cheery voice as you can muster, e.g. "Yes we've moved on and it was the right move for us" - sometimes this is enough to stop any more questions, but if anyone persists maybe you could just say something like "thanks for asking but it's not something I want to talk about at the moment" - THAT should deter even the nosiest of parkers!

Re beds - this might be a silly question but would your XH not let you have your little boy's bed (or is it a bunk bed that his other boys use?) The local paper is a good place for household stuff but as you say you often need to collect. Do you know anyone with a van who could do this - I know how difficult it is to ask for help but sometimes people will help if asked.

Do the DSS still do community care grants - afraid I'm a bit rusty on welfare rights but it might be worth a try.

Sending you good wishes - keep on keeping on - you will get there.

Sending you best wishes ATA. It may be small consolation right now but you've come a long way. This really is the worst time.

Have you been able to approach your mum and sister for a bit of extra help? They might be unsure what to do for you and need a bit of prodding and specific requests. Maybe one of them knows someone with a van, or someone trying to unload some furniture you could use.

Sometimes you can deflect the nosy parkers by telling your story to someone who is likely to pass it on to others without adding to it or changing it much. Do you know any of the mums who might do this for you? If you can get a little help from any of the parents, it might be worth risking the embarrassment of telling people your circumstances.
xxxxx

We talked earlier about asking for help and how it's worth getting into the habit. The vast majority of men, like women, despise domestic abuse. We women come round with a bottle of wine and lots of chat. Many men just want to do something; fairly irrelevant what it is, but they want to do something.

So ask male or female friends if anyone could help you collect these beds as you don't have transport. You'll get help - you got a load of household stuff from that other guy, you already know people want to help.

Men often feel very uncomfortable in these situations as they are upset and angry for you and almost want to demonstrate to the world at large how appalled they are by what has happened and worry that people might think they are like that. You need to help these men, you'll be doing them a big favour .

QueenofDenial you actually raised a chuckle from me then!

As I posted last night I couldn't sleep well and neither could DS it transpired, we then majorly slept in, then locked myself out of the house!! I got us two new divan beds (a single and a double with mattresses) delivered for £150. Was very emotional at being locked round (handy man luckily had my other set of keys on him and wasn't far away and my mum came round for a cuppa this afternoon), and then again when I couldn't get beds and mattresses upstairs (friend and her boyfriend came round) and he helped me. Although - we cannot get base of single bed up the stairs and it looks like we are gonna have to dismantle it to get it up there!

I am terrible at asking friends and family for help, wish I wasn't and am going to have to keep working on it as as today proved sometimes I really do need it!

My poor sister (who is pg) and her boyfriend (who is disabled) have enough on their plate though at the moment with local asbo kids slashing the tyres on their mobility car and keying it, and threatening to slits their throats!!! I am so worried for them. SO don't want to ask them to support me, feel it is my turn to be there for them and don't want to add to their worries. Feel so sad and angry for them.

I did buy some nice bedding though for my bed that ex would have hated - was a bargain from tescos!

NannaNina - DS shared a triple bunk with his big brothers at old house (which I am still yet to pay for!), so didn't want to take it as would be all 3 of them without a bed then. I do feel as though I am recovering from being unwell, really worn out. Have been going to bed same time as DS but don't want him to get used to this so am staying up a little later from tonight.

School nosy parker is just one mum in particular who is vile - I won't start ranting about her but she did collar me and I just kept it smiley and breezey as advised.

Nicknametaken - funnily enough DS is on a mattress on the floor (as couldn't get his bed base up), but seems perfectly happy with this bless him. Think he was as sick of that airbed as I was.

Mathanxiety - I do have two brilliant mums at school who have become friends I know I can rely on, who helped me out on moving day. They are superstars.

So happy you now have proper beds, ATA.
Hope you'll begin to sleep better. People really do like to help, and most would feel bad if they thought you needed help and they didn't know and therefore didn't do it.

Isn't it nice to go out and get your own simple things like bedding without wondering about the reaction?

Hi again, It's that old denial thing - was he really that bad? It makes you doubt yourself. Please don't fall for it. The reality of emotional abuse and domestic violence is a crime. I remember driving home from one of his works Christmas do's. He'd kicked off because I 'wasn't' jeolous of him flirting with a woman so I got beaten up for that in a posh hotel room. The next day, when his colleague saw I looked a mess, I actually said, 'oh I'm OK, just a terrible hang-over'. Later, I thought to myself that I was a party to the crime against ME by saying that!! It was a real turning point for me and the way we defend and even protect them against their crimes against us.

Things have worked out OK with my ex concerning my daughter. I'm fortunate as he's sufficiently scared of the courts not to step out of line now. It's been a yoke around his neck in that respect. I think you have to shout loud and clear to the courts what he's capable of. I wish I hadn't been so compliant and he was still seeing her in a contact-centre but at the end of the day, he's her father and one day she'll make a decision for herself regarding him. I know I've done all I can to protect her. Sadly for me, she really LOVES him (he's a typical Charm Syndrome type) - that's a hard thing for me to swallow but I've had to be gracious about it because it will be her that suffers if I try to poison her (so long as he's behaving himself).

I think I've grown up a lot since I left him and he doesn't loom large in my life and thinking now - that's a great place to be! Recently, I had a fit of giggles on the phone just hearing him rant on and on. I couldn't help it, I felt like the worm that had turned. Think it was all those years of submissin coming to a head - I had to steady myself as my sides were splitting. It was great!! One day you'll be able to laugh him off and things will be great for you when you turn that corner. It will be like a new Spring for you with a life full of opportunities as well as challenges ahead! You'll just grow and grow into being a wise and caring independent woman and not look back.

Bless you x

I had a moment of giggles (about half an hour actually) when I saw exH in his brand new extremely poncey and even effeminate swim trunks this summer. They went down to his knees, in a vivid green and blue colourblock design. But they had a drawstring at the bottom, so they looked like really silly bloomers. I have never seen anything like them.

Mathanxiety - everytime I look at my bedding I smile, I am planning how to decorate each room in my new house and ex would hate it. (Nothing shocking, lots of light and pale walls, with nice accessories which I wouldn't have chosen before to try and please him but that I will love). Those swim trunks sound priceless!!!

Thanks genevive - I feel like the last few years have been such a waste, life is so short and now I am free to do what I want with my life. Choose my friends, hobbies, not be tiptoeing around and generally enjoying life with DS.

I am going out tomorrow night to a party with my friends. I am excited!

NannaNina- I have emailed you I know but again, THANK YOU with all of my heart. You are the kindest most generous person I have never met.

Read your thread this evening. You are amazing and so strong. You've had brilliant support on this thread.
NannaNina - generous beyond belief.

ATA -- out with friends!! Good for you Isn't it lovely to have the little things in life that everyone seems to take for granted once more within your reach? Decorating your home, choosing colours, carefree plans...

Well, about the swim trunks, I have a feeling they came with quite a price tag, but yes priceless none the less.

Hope you're having a fantastic night out AtA x

apparently I have left him with loads of debt! Grrr.... he issuch a two faced arsehole, being all nicely nice to me and making out I have ran up debts and left him with them! I am so angry and upset about it. He is fg crap with money and I tried time and time again to get him to sort his finances out. I bought last washer, drier, hoover, bedS (one lot of which I haven't bloody paid for yet), etc. I have spent on his boys, paid for our holidays and camping, oh I am so mad. And upset that people will believe him when I have been anxious about money and counting pennies for years!!

Oh AtA don't worry, the people that matter will know the truth, and it'll show over the next few years. Don't let his lies get you down

He had loads of debt when I met him and blamed his ex I should have known he would blame me too. It is not my fault he can't manage his money, would rather prioritise buying lager over paying bills etc.

Knobhead.

I am really upset I can't help it!

I am trying to stay on MN and keep away from email account and facebook.

Why whats happening on email and FB?

Step. Away. From. The. Facebook.

Well I wanted to email him and rant or log into FB and declare how innocent I was and what I lying scumbag he is. But, I stopped myself and went and had a bath. And had a text convo with my crush.

Feel calmer now. I just need to keep my head held high and carry on. May order that war time poster and put it up in my little house.

Thanks needcoffee and QoD.
I did have a good night out NC.

Ah, the crush. Cheer me up and tell us how that is going. Mine has been relegated since I ran into him when I was wearing foxy boots with heels and realised he was shorter than me .

just posting to offer my support and praise to you. you have done so bloody brilliantly, dont let him get you down with his inevitable lies. you stay strong knowing and holding on to the truth. you've done an amazing thing for you and your DS. pls check your email address that you gave on this thread; i emailled you this afternoon. x

AtA-is he still on your FB? Delete him!
I'd just hold your head high, maybe comment on it when he gets ds, mentioning that noone believes him, or, 'I hear you've been spinnig your stories again' Or maybe not, rise above it.

Glad you had a good night, I was meant to get out for a few hours sun but my friend let me down, we need to do the meet up soon, I'm desperate to get out.

Spill about the Crush!!

ATA

Delete this lousy ex of yours from your FB account, even better delete your FB account altogether. You do not need this.

No doubt he will blame any subsequent woman for any debt he has incurred, these men do not understand the whole concept of taking responsibility for their actions. These men too are never and will never be truly happy.

Anyhoo a strong woman like you does not need facebook at all!. Its just a sad site which you really do not need to look at or be a part of!!.

Talk to your crush on the phone and be your own nice self with him, don't just text him!. Argh, text is sooooo non communication. Do not rush anything, the last thing you need now is yet another potential romance.

Not going to let him know I have heard this as will cause ructions for person who naiively told me (personally I don't think I would have said anything), it was said at old house in company of friends one of him is trying to remain mutual and impartial (the one who bought me the cutlery, crockery, etc - so already knows ex has been lying).

Will not be deleting my FB account as I have two close relatives in Aus and I like to talk to them on there and see their cute little kiddies growing up. If I delete ex it will cause a row.

I have preferred texting or emailing and he has preferred phone calls, most of which I have avoided as I want anything important that is said in writing. When he picked DS up on Saturday he was making snidey thinly veiled sarcastic comments about me going out, and beng able to go buy a washer. I pulled him up on this and he apologised!

Crush: well it is purely platonic right now and will most likely stay that way. He is an innapropriate person to get involved with and I am happy just me and DS - probably will be for quite some time . If I were to get involved with someone I would be so much more wary and they would have to be pretty amazing and treat me with respect. This guy is nice though, always there for me, etc but I think I am being wise keeping him as a friend rather than a potential romance.

Psst, QoD - my crush is tall what a disappointment him being shorter when you have your heels on! I am finding keeping in the company of friends is hugely helping me. This often involves me being quite forward and saying "I really feel like some company today can I tag along with you?" It works though and they don't mind. People seem to think I am all together and fine in RL and I do soemtimes have to spell it out that I am not.

RenderedSpeechless - I have emailed you.