Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

Aww, poor little fellow.

You get to the point of finally realizing you deserve better and something.. an incident pushes you to that point. I have had 2 physically and mentally abusive relationships. I left the first one when he finally said to me in bed one night ,,,"Well, f...k you "... !!! That was it ... His number was up and i kicked him out and never spoke to him again.
The 2nd partner got aggressive and finally through a case full of clothes down the stairs on top of my head the threw a plum straight into my eye on purpose. That was it. He is the father (sadly) of my son so i cant get him completely out of my life .... But it took several years of this kind of treatment until i finally saw the light. I now have changed my pattern, and chosen the sweatest man, who treats me with respect; who is kind loving and caring and very conciderate.
phew !

welllllllllll, i have managed to finish this thread yay!

a recent post that is striking a cord with me is about him changing access arrangements. mine is doing this too, and i think it's still this control thing. he says sat, i say ok, he changes his mind, i agree to new arrangement, and so on. he wants me to argue with him. the 1st week he wanted to quibble over the return time, as he was walking dc to car to go with him. i also have the cursing and putting me down in front of dc. i have now told him not to come past my front gate (hopefully police will place bail conditions on him when they get around to arresting him).

i have already ordered the lundy book and would be more than happy to loan it to you once read, or check your library website. if your local one doesn't have it they usually order it in from another.

i am having times when i am wobbly, and now i truly believe music is helping. i like angry songs, maybe ones about being betrayed. they have betryed our trust in them to treat us well, so its no different really from being betrayed in an adulterous way. i may be mad but i do find the music helps with the different emotions. find jamelia's thank you from 2004 and listen to that over and over until the words are coming from your own heart.

hugs hun xox

oh, and if you need a good chuckle, read the thread in lone parents about xmas present ideas for horrible x's...

Bloody hell woman hope you went to bed after posting!

Yes I like music too, find it brings out all my emotions which I had got too good at not experiencing / pushing down. Yes I need to go to the library - I will check if they stoc the lundy book.

I was very naughty the other night, logged into ex's FB and read his messages. He is even more spiteful and selfish than I thought, he is currently plotting revenge on an ex who left him 10 years ago! I am glad I read it, it shows his true colours and how long he can hold a grudge for ....

How do I make sure I never fall for this kind of man again??

Potters off to lone parents board...

A friend once took me to the Freedom Programme based on the Womens Aid book, and it teaches about the behaviours, and especially the early signs -

phoning lots in the early days (not aww like we think but early tab-keeping)

putting his arm around you in social situation

and lots more that i cant remember right now, but I think most of it is basically that they try to push the relationship to become serious quickly.

try to find out about the programme. it will also be a good way to get you out of the house and meet some rl survivors/recoverees. your local Sure Start centre will probably have the info.

DONT LOOK at his fb account . Tho, at least if he is concentrating on his ex he should be leaving you alone for now, giving you time to build up your strength and the emotional distance. Hold onto any examples of how he has made you angry, I find it helps as a reminder when they are making us feel sorry for them.

cooker due by 2pm today!!! I have waited since I moved here in May for one...

Ooh my cooker came last saturday, I totally get how excited you are!

Yes I was very naughty looking at his FB and I shall not be doing it again {slaps hand}.

I suppose I will ring WA again. When I left I asked WA worker about probe (a kind of free home security company locally) securing my house. She said she woul call them and not heard a peep from her since. All I can think is my local WA are too overstretched.

In the book I have called 'It's my life now..' there are excersices to write out such as negative behaviours ex had, effects it had, and so on. I think I am going to do these (actually write them out that is) this weekend while DS is at his Dad's. Even thinking about them helps but I do prefer writing things down.

i absolutely have to write things down to take them in. I will be writing whilst reading, so i'll need to find somewhere...

If he does get 'worse' or makes any threats, you can also ask the police about the bobby van, they do some extra security for free.

It may still be worth contacting Shelter the homeless charity, as they have support workers who can be with you up to 6 months after moving. They are very DV-aware and can give you an idea of similar stuff to WA. Have you checked out WA website? Can be quite informative about after leaving too.

Dc at nursery for a couple of hours MN me time!

Oh god ex has picked DS up to have him overnight and handed me a sealed envelope and said 'it's just some things I wanted to say, I know you will probably disregard it'

What shall we guess it says? Found out some more about his previous ex girlfriend and their problems this morning, lets just say I was not at all surprised....

Come on MNer's I am yet to read letter as I am worried I will be floored by it like MollFlounders was last week.

You don't have to read it.

And even if it is a Moll special, you like her will be able to see through it. And we can all have a laugh.

Go with you gut hun. If you don't want to read it just put it away somewhere/burn it. If you don't feel very strong atm, it's probably not a good idea to read it just now.

why do I always blub after he's been to pick up dc?

I have read it.

Will type it out in a bit... it could have been worse TBH and you are right QoD I could see right through it.

makkapakka - are kids staying out overnight? I think it is a mixture of holding it in and just 'getting on with it' while the kids are with you, seeing him, and the kids going off with him. I really feel for you. I fid being really bus straight after DS goes out is good, then collapse a bit later on, stare into space, have a glass of wine, cry, earlier night, etc. I saw your thread the other day about ds not settling are they getting any better at bedtime?

letter from ex:

"AboardtheAxiom,
I know you will probably just want to throw this away but please take a moment to read.
Read when I came home that Friday I was devastated but looking back I half expected it if I am truthful.
I thought I could move on and things would be easier so I chose not to hassle you and beg for you to come back. I couldn't be more wrong. Everytime I see you I feel sick and realise just how much I do actually love you.
This letter is not to beg for you back but I feel deeply that I had to let you know how I am feeling. I am not expecting anything from this, but you need to know in the future I will drop anything or anyone for you as I have come to realised you truly are the love of my life.
Sorry - will love you always
(aboardtheaxiom's ex)"

Wise MNers please comment so I feel backed up and bolstered here!

Ugh. Have texted him to tell him had read it (he came round earlier without DS to drop something off and asked if I had read it so wanted to let him know I had so he is not asking me face to face tomorrow while DS there). He has said "I was not really expecting a reply or response. I just wanted you to know how much I still love you and it's getting worse instead of easier. Sorry " "On a lighter note we are building snowpeople and an igloo while DS throws snowballs at me". It is 10 o clock FFS.

Ooh I love you have just decided and am all hurt and needing love and DS is here with me having a grand old time. Blah blah blah. In reality he treat me like shit while we were together, was emotionally abusing me, being totally uninterested in DS (putting bloody paul o grady over talking to him) and looking for men online. He is also I know lying about me since me leaving him and slaggin me off to people but being all fake nice and wounded to my face.

Shithead.

This is all a heap of hooey, ATA -- you know that, right? He is playing the poor, reasonable man, who is aware of how he contributed to the death of the relationship, who still loves you in his own quirky, muddled way.... it's a script, he's starring in his own romantic tragedy. Trying to think of someone who would play him in the film version. Hugh Grant isn't malevolent enough, though he usually plays the clueless type of man. Who has just that right touch of bad-boy-needs-a-woman-desperately, though?

"I chose not to hassle you.." is downright creepy. There's a threat here.

Yes I thought that too mathanxiety about "I chose not to hassle you" like it is in his control and if he chose to he really could.

I know it is 'a heap of hooey' but it has thrown me a little and although he won't see the effect his letter has had (I will make sure of that), it has thrown me a little and I just need to be told I suppose. I was soo relieved to see a reply, I feel all weird and emotional which is just what he will have wanted.

I also think he planned it timing wise. I am here without DS. He popped round earlier without him thinking I would have read letter, etc etc.

Oh yes, you're right. It's all planned for the maximum effect. Don't feel you're somehow weak or vulnerable because this has thrown you, though. Just try to shake it off. He is actually watching you to see what sort of effect it has had on you (hence the popping around). He doesn't really mean any of the sentiments he expressed -- it's all part of the campaign to wear you down that he was engaging in full speed ahead until you left. He has changed his approach, but his aim is the same.

It's so tough when the DCs are away at first, lots of blubbing -- this is what normal good parents do. You may find you have the energy to get something done or start some sort of routine for yourself as time goes on, maybe some sort of long bubble bath thing, or rent a film, go out with friends, etc., as time goes on. But don't rush yourself.

I would plough ahead and try to get a solicitor to regularise the visitation. If you can get a clause inserted in any agreement that he must forfeit his visitation if he doesn't do it on the day arranged, you may find he has no opportunity to continue to harrass you through this issue. You might be able to do this since your DS has sn and perhaps you could emphasise that routine and predictability are extremely important to him.

Thank you once again mathanxiety.

I do keep myself busy on the whole when DS is out, luckily there is lots of painting and decorating to do so I do that until I can paint no more, drink a glass of wine in the bath, go to bed and have a little cry sometimes too. Or sometimes I just sit and stare into space for a good couple of hours as I am too overloaded to even think properly.

I miss the bones of DS while he is out but I also do need the break TBH. I would manage without it as I would have to but I do think the headspace does me good.

Ex is a fuckwit, I know that. It is just a cuase of forcing a change in emotional patterns and cycles. I could probably do with some counselling.

ATA,

I've read this entire thread this evening (am having one of many wobbles re DP). I missed the best part of Strictly because of it - I just had to find out what happened in the end!

You, (and all the ladies on this thread) are one hell of a woman. You've really been through it - and you're slowly coming out the other side. I secretly dream of leaving DP, and you've inspired me to realise that if I eventually do decide it's the right thing to do, I will be able to do it. Because I've seen that you, and others, have done it.

My DDs are very young, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that it's the stress of parenting two demanding little people which is bringing out the worst in DP (he is reasonably civilised after they've gone to bed). I know in the back of my mind I'm not destined to spend the rest of my life with him though, and that's not a good feeling.

Sorry to hijack your thread - your story has touched me tonight, and I wanted to let you know.

NDT

NDT - that's a lot of reading! Don't apologise for the hijack, everyone is welcome on my thread. I was going to have it pulled at one point but decided against it as I know myself how helpful these threads are for people about to mebark on a smiliar journey themselves.

Not familiar with your relationship issues, but you find happiness in the new year whatever you decide. Deciding to leave, and then planning the logisitics of leaving seemed a very long and hard process, I couldn't have done it without the support I received on here and feel very lucky and (aside from the odd wobble) much more content now I have split from ex partner. My son is also much happier, it is amazing what they pick up on wven when they are little.

Hiya, ATA

BURN IT

i had a text earlier, when he knew i would be out with my family - i would come back tomorrow if you would have me. where's the 'sick' emoticon mn?

2 of my books arrived today (not the Lundy one), and i am going to send you one to read, and maybe we can pick some bits out that we find helpful. what do you think?

i know what you mean about the release after dcs leaving. i arranged to go shopping straight after they left, but I just needed an hour by myself first in the end. he is doing the spending loads of money on dcs xmas presents too, and ordering me to arrange storage for them..!

grrrrr men!

Hello ATA

I posted early on your thread and was so delighted to catch up now and see how far you have come.

You sound so strong, positive and decisive and I'm just over the moon to hear how well things are going.

I truly hope in your quiet moments, that you do reflect on how proud of yourself you should be. I'm sorry I didn't share more of your journey with you. You are the kind of lady I would be proud to call a friend.

I hope you and DS have the kind of wonderful liberated Christmas together you deserve.

(PS If you get into residency/contact stuff try giving me a shout. Hopefully Tuesday sees the end of my 3 year nightmare over it and I'd happily share anything helpful from my experiences with you if you think it will help)

Good luck ATA and hoping for a great start to the new year and your new life
xxMad

Another weekend of crap from xp.

I have drafted him an email and want a 2nd opinion before i send it.......

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I do not know what to say to you anymore.

I honestly thought that the abuse would stop once our relationship ended. However it has just continued and worsened.

I am trying to do my best to allow you to have the kids as much as you want to, but even this is not enough to make you stop.

I just want it to end, and only you can choose for that to happen.

If it doesn't stop now, I will do whatever I need to in order to protect myself and the kids too.

You haven't respected my wishes so far, so I will be seeking legal advice regardless of any promises you make.

It is not acceptable behaviour from you

to be spreading rumours amongst my friends and family

to be calling me names in any form of communication

to be calling me names in the presence of the children

to physically or verbally abuse me

to be implying that my parenting skills are not satisfactory

to be continually calling and texting me

to break or bend the rules with regards to access to my home

to make any more threats whatsoever

to not pay maintenance or meet your obligations for nursery fees

--------

any input gratefully received xox

Makkapakka do you already have a solicitor? If not you must go out first thing tomorrow and see one.

I wouldn't bother sending him it, it will just encourage further communication from him. I would take it to your solicitor.

It is you who was assaulted by your ex wasn't it????? (sorry if I have muddled this fact into your story) What is going on with that? Have charges been pressed? Is he still calling you all the time?

Refuse to communicate with him from now on, I would be reassessing contact too if he is just using it as an opportunity to continue his previous behaviour towards you. State you want a 2nd party handover or something? I really don't know but I am sure a solicitor would.

This will just continue he needs to realise you will no longer accept it. Do you have family locally? Anyone who could do the access handover for you?

I do have a solicitor who has helped me with previous divorce and I'm booked in on 5th Jan to see her. And, yes ATA it is me who was assaulted. Still waiting to hear from the Officers although I did chase on friday...

He has been saying something that has thrown me I think, that a contact centre would only be used for 2 months, then he would be allowed to resume weekend access.??? I'm confused about this one. when he was picking dc up he told them 'come on kids, lets get you away from the f-ing slag' (has been included in statement about the assault - also witnessed by ds).

I asked him to drop dc at my mum's today. She knows that I need the break from seeing him. So he just started calling and texting after he'd dropped them off. 5 calls so far, and 12 texts...