Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

Oh and I didn't end up ordering a washing, but have just ordered an oven! Can't wait to have a proper cooked meal - I am a real foodie and like cooking from scratch so it's killingme not having an oven. It's coming on 14th

ATA

re your comments:-

"Will not be deleting my FB account as I have two close relatives in Aus and I like to talk to them on there and see their cute little kiddies growing up. If I delete ex it will cause a row"

Fair enough (general point this, just ensure you have set all the privacy settings on FB).

But as for your last sentence why would deleting ex cause yet another row?. He cannot force you to put him back on your fb account once deleted.

"I have preferred texting or emailing and he has preferred phone calls, most of which I have avoided as I want anything important that is said in writing. When he picked DS up on Saturday he was making snidey thinly veiled sarcastic comments about me going out, and beng able to go buy a washer. I pulled him up on this and he apologised"

I would now be putting all future communications between you in writing if he keeps acting like this. Block his calls as well.

Making snide remarks about you as well in front of his child too is both not adult and not on. It just drags you down which is what he wants really. He reagrds you and your son as mere possessions. Well done for pulling him up on snide remarks, that probably was not easy at aall to do but that shows how much progress you have made since.

Best of luck with the delivery of the new oven on the 14th.

All 3 children were stood listening attila, and the reason I pulled him up on it was that the eldest has clearly been told the I cleared him out poor me line as he (eldest) made a comment the saturday before. I said I was going to buy a washer and he said 'oh it's all right for some' this was after his sly digs about me going out which I ignored - so I stood up to him and pointed out I have been struggling with no money and no household appliances (which I listed) as I was kind enough to leave them with him. He soon shut up. I think he was really taken aback I told him off but I wasn't having it, I don't have to put up with his shite any longer.

His comments are all said either behind my back, or as thinly veiled sarcastic digs. Previously these comments would have bothered me but now I will just call him out every time he does them. If he does it again in front of dcs I will be telling him it is bad for DS and that I will stop contact if he cannot behave like an adult.

He wanted to put me in a bad mood for my night out - he failed.

I have put my privacy settings on FB don't worry.

AtA-glad you got a cooker-I went for months without one whilst pg with dd2 and it was hard.
Re:Facebook, I have to say-Why do you care if it causes a row? No offence but he doesn't need to be on your friend list, I'm sure you'll be able to communicate via text and email re DS.

Personally, I feel as though to have someone on my FB is like having them in my home, giving them an insight into my life, and I wouldn't want my ex on it. Just my opinion of course, but remember you've stopped not doing things to prevent rows for years, you don't have to anyomre, you have your liberation.

just read my last post, sorry if i sounded harsh, had long day and could have put it more eloquently

It's ok needcoffee

I need help. Have had an email off him about maintenance agreeing to pay me it (!), at the end he has put:

"On a personal note I am so sorry it didn't work out I love(ed) you so much I thought we would be together for ever

Sorry
name x "

I don't know how to respond to this, can anyone help me think of something dignified (or something)?

Liking the name change.

You know the answer to your question - don't respond. Every time you do, he knows he can still get to you.

They never stop pushing the boundaries. My ex's latest is that we inform each other whenever we're out of the country. I can see why when one of us has DD, but otherwise why on earth does he need to know which country I'm in for the next 14 years?

Remember the mantra: what's in it for me.

I need to reply to the email though regarding the maintenance - do I just completely ignore the 'personal note' part?

ATFA, have emailled you.

Don't comment on the personal note.. this was probably added just to provoke a response to keep him in control,

Answer the part of maintainence only, dont engage in converstion on any other topic or ask any questions which will result in ongoing unnecessary conversation,

Thanks Doha, will reply just talking only about maintenance.

Renderedspeechless - thank you for your kindness and generosity

QoD - How ridiculous! Yes I feel boundaries will be an issue here too as it was even before I left (e.g. being in a strop if bathroom door locked)!

Am doing a round bus trip to my mums today (four buses) with my laundry as I told ex I no longer needed a key and posted it through door. I had done two loads of laundry there since leaving but both times it instigated contact from him that I can do without so would rather struggle (he was more than happy for me to have a key and do laundry there but I don't want to feel I owe him any favours and don't want him ringing and texting me asking if I have been round all the time). Am hoping community care grant comes through sooner rather than later.

Last night I had a major crying session, I can only like it to the feeling you have when someone dies.

Hi ATFA,

I would only answer the part about any maintenance (well isn;t that nice of him to agree to pay you it). I say because he is legally financial responsible for his child and should not even attempt to shirk his obligations. My guess is longer term he will get very nasty re maintenance and withhold it (again to punish you for having the gall to leave him). I would still get any such financial details now on a legal footing rather than an informal one and same with regards to him seeing his son. He is too slippery a character to actually want to play nice.

Ignore the "personal note" bit at the end. He still wants to control you doesn't he, this is just another example in a long line of manipulating you and or the situation to his own warped ends.

Attila: EdPsych has finally agreed to assess DS for statement!! Should have his medical DX soon too.

Oh yes he is definately still being controlling and manipulative.

ATA

Oh I am sooooooo pleased to read this for your son, this is indeed good news for both of you . Thank you for informing me of this development, nice of you to do so.

Would gladly advise re actual content of statement at a later date but would say to you now that Parts 2 and 3 are the most important in that doc and therefore have to be completely correct.

And yes your ex is still being controlling and manipulative. It will be ever thus. BTW if you have never read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft I would suggest you do so. He writes at great lengths about such abusive men and how they operate.

momrning ata, like i said, 'dont mention it!'.

hope you are feeling better today. glad to hear the news about your son re the statement. do allow yourself to cry if you want to; will do you good to get it and him out of your system. it will be tough at times and fully understand that the pain is akin to grief. agree with other posters, wise to sidestep his attempts to personalise his communication with him. he's trying to press your buttons as a way to ascertain how to keep some kind of hold over you. pls be prepared and aware that if nice doesnt work, he may try 'nasty' to achieve that hold. i also thunk that formal agreements re access and maintenence are the way forward. it will send him a clear message that you are resolute in your decision. good for posting his key, a clear message that you are commited to your decision.

you are doing brilliantly, well done to you and your DS. x

Renderedspeechless - you have email (as does QoD if she reads here before checking her inbox).

Atila, thanks. I don;t know if you remember but you helpedme on my very first thread regarding DS here in May 2008.

Mumsnet is such a big support for me, I dread to think what situation I would be in right now without the support i have had on here over the last few years!

Am feeling a bit lighter today after another cry fest last night. I think I just need to get it out of my system when I feel like that, like it's a way of letting it all go. I even cracked on with a bit of DIY this morning.

ATA

You're more than welcome, honestly. Glad to be of help.

A Happy Christmas and New Year to both you and your lovely son.

My crush has been on my mind thisweekend .

I know I shouldn't be thinking about anyone right now but I can't help it!

Ex had DS overnight on saturday and called me up and let DS sob down the phone to me instead of actually trying to comfort him. I think it is the first time ever there had just been DS and his dad on their own for 24 hours. He is so fricking useless, how can DS have got to 5 yrs old and he still not know how to comfort him?! Grrrr.

ATA,

Letting your DS sob down the phone to you has lowered further my already very low opinion of him. What purpose did that serve, it must have upset you hearing your son distressed. This was a both nasty and manipulative on his part towards both of you.

You ex only cares about his own self, no one else really matters.

I think you need to carefully reconsider any future overnight stays. Infact I'd be now looking into legally formalising any contact arrangement now between your DS and ex. That probably sounds beyond the pale to you but he will keep mucking you around otherwise.

A crush whilst not in itself harmful is something you really do not need currently. You need time on your own and to heal from the ex. This can be achieved as well by showing ex you are not to be trifled with.

Uurgh I have just lost long post.

Don't know if I have energy to type it all out again.

You haven't posted for a while - how are you?

Hi QoD, I am okay DS has been really ill all week and so I have had him clung to me sleeping, coughing, crying and being sick. I am pretty shattered as he doesn't sleep a full night anyway and have been very sleep deprived this week.

I also have had my date for my operation on 19th Jan so have been feeling very apprehensive about that between worrying about getting stuff done in the house befre xmas and getting debts paid, etc etc.

Ex has been his usual selfish idiotic self. Has bought a two seater van as it suits his hobby, not thinking of the fact he has 3 dcs. Also told me he was sitting two older boys in back of van with their bikes on Wed eve! When I said to him in a very firm bossy voice "Don't you ever sit DS in the back", he replied "Oh no I wouldn't" as though shocked he thought I needed to point it out to him! If he can put the older two in there why wouldn't he think I would worry about him putting DS in there?!?! He has also changed his overnight this weekend to Friday instead of saturday as his friend wanted to have a birthday party in his games room and ex "wasn't being selfish but just didn't want to miss out on a really good night". He is a knob.

I hope the little fella gets better soon and that you manage to catch up on your zzzzz's

Hi everyone, just checking in really. Got my christmas tree put up today and watched DS in his school carol concert.

I am feeling a bit flat personally/emotionally. Think I am feeling down about this op I need to have. Am also worried I am going to end up an old spinster {slaps self pity away}.

I am trying not to think about / contact crush too much mainly because if things didn't progress how I want them to I don't think I would bounce back from it as he is kind of my rock.

Feeling a bit sorry for myself at the minute can you tell! I still know I did the right thing leaving, I guess it will just take me a while to find my feet and feel confident in my new life. I mentioned on another thread but I have painted my living room walls white - ex would have hated it.

Oh and DS is 'better' but not recovered. He threw up in his classroom doorway this morning (coughing not contagious bug BTW).