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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shocking confession from new man..

101 replies

badheadache · 06/09/2009 17:45

Namechanger here,regular poster, with a genuine reason.

We've been dating for about 3 weeks and getting on well. I;d say he was a grower.

Anyway. Today he has told me that he had a bad split from his girlfriend (this is some years ago). Essentiall his story is that he hit her, in self defence.

And no, I don't mean just a slap .

Of course there is more to it than that but bottom line is - he attacked her and I can't get past that

Bottom line is I am very freaked out by this and my instincts are saying leave now.

My XP did some pretty nasty things to me but one thing I will say - he never hit me.

I'm very shocked. Not sure what I'm asking for here but I needed to get it down and get some perspective and just talk it out. PS please don't out me if you recognise who this is. Thanks.

OP posts:
kittywise · 06/09/2009 17:47

Do you think he should have et his ex attack him and not defend himself then?

What is the issue? If he was attacked why should he not defend himself?

lou33 · 06/09/2009 17:48

i would say leave him now before it goes too far along

he isnt going to say it was anything but self defence is he?

luckylady74 · 06/09/2009 17:51

Why did he tell you?How did it arise in conversation?
I can appreciate you must feel vulnerable after a bad exp with ex and I would be very cautious if I was you.
On the one hand I've never had to hit anyone in self defense, but I know people who have-they never seriously injured the attacking party though, just restrained them forcefully.
Were the police invoved? Do you know any of his friends/family that could tell you more?
There are other potential partners out there if this has to end so please don't worry about that.

tribpot · 06/09/2009 17:52

I think it could go either way.

Why would someone, after only 3 weeks, admit to hitting a former partner (male or female)? Either:

  • he is (subconsciously or not) grooming you to future expectations
  • trusts you enough to hope that you will be able to see past this to the isolated incident it may be.

If he knows about your abusive past, I would be more inclined to option (a) to be honest, but maybe if you have told him he wants to be equally as honest in return?

If you haven't told him about your abusive past, I would definitely go for option (a).

Would he be happy for you to talk to any of his friends about "the incident"?

Original poster
badheadache · 06/09/2009 17:55

Well the whole relationship as he described it sounded hideously dysfunctional.

I find it very, very hard to get past the hitting someone. I find it very disturbing.

I'm very much a peaceful, gentle and easy going person.

OP posts:
dittany · 06/09/2009 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 06/09/2009 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrackFox · 06/09/2009 18:01

Trust your instincts.

Original poster
badheadache · 06/09/2009 18:04

Thank you everyone for your advice. I'm taking it on board.

He is aware of my abusive past.

His take is that he regrets doing it, wishes he hadn't, wishes he walked away and it has had a devastating effect on life.

That's not me making excuses but what he has said.

OP posts:
Original poster
badheadache · 06/09/2009 18:05

*his life, I mean to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
badheadache · 06/09/2009 18:10

Yes police were involved. She refused to press charges.

As he told it his ex girlfriend was also violent - he described a very disturbing incident (won't relate details in case it identifies anyone) where he had to restrain her from attacking someone else.

It's all just awful.

OP posts:
dittany · 06/09/2009 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 06/09/2009 18:16

oh dear, this is worrying

to his credit, he has told you before you potentially find out from some other source. MN is full of "well, he should have told you's......"

but like Dittany said, he may be testing your reaction to this news, and if you get past it, it could open the door for some sort of escalation on his part

oh, and you have been dating 3 wks ? That is not yet a relationship, so should be easy enough to walk away

unless you are one of those silly women (I might get flamed for this, I certainly have before, but it is truly my opinion) who thinks they are "madly in love" and have "found their soulmate" after just a few encounters

don't be one of those silly women, walk away if you want to, with your head held high

edam · 06/09/2009 18:16

that's what he says, suspect his ex would tell a different story.

Dittany's right, he could be testing you. And that's very worrying. You don't know him that well, I'd suggest getting out now before you are more involved.

Of course, it's possible he's a good guy, this was a one-off and he's being honest about how it happened. But do you want to take the risk?

ib · 06/09/2009 18:20

So if a guy doesn't tell a new partner about something bad in his past he's being deceitful and if he does he's grooming her for future abuse?

Sometimes I feel in this site that men just can't win. Can someone who has done something bad never ever have a relationship again?

His behaviour is not excusable, and it doesn't sound like he's making excuses - he told you what happened the way he sees it. Only you can decide whether you can be comfortable with him or not, in the end it comes down whether you will become so paranoid it will ruin the relationship or whether you think you can manage the fear (your history will have an impact on that, of course)

I would make it clear that if he ever so much as threatens to raise a finger at you you will leave, but then I've always felt that way (and did that with dh) even though no one I've ever been with has ever hit a woman afaik.

I'm totally in the 'one strike you're out' school with regards to violence, but that doesn't mean I can't imagine someone then going on to have a healthy relationship with someone else.

Original poster
badheadache · 06/09/2009 18:23

"unless you are one of those silly women (I might get flamed for this, I certainly have before, but it is truly my opinion) who thinks they are "madly in love" and have "found their soulmate" after just a few encounters "

No I'm not, I don't believe in soulmates. I used new man as it was quicker than typing man I've been dating for three weeks!

I agree Edam. I don't want to take the risk.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/09/2009 18:25

good girl badheadache !!

there are a surprisingly large no. of these silly women (and men) around, you know

I generally find that to be a total red flag too

Earlybird · 06/09/2009 18:28

How long ago was the incident?
Has he had a relationship since that was violence free?
Has anything like this happened before or since?

Trying to ascertain if it was a 'one off' - though the fact that it happened at all is worrying.

Original poster
badheadache · 06/09/2009 18:31

The incident was about 9 years ago.

He had a 3 year relationship that was violence free.

As you say earlybird the fact that it happened AT ALL is what bothers me.

OP posts:
lou33 · 06/09/2009 18:33

i know who badheadache is and she is defintiely not one of those people who think it's love after 5 mins of knowing someone

she has her head screwed on

AnyFucker · 06/09/2009 18:37

good

Original poster
badheadache · 06/09/2009 18:42

Thanks lou

It has all knocked me for six a bit really.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/09/2009 18:46

sorry badheadache, I probably know you, don't I ?

but I hope you know what I meant

if you have been seeing him for only 3 wks, if it makes you uncomfortable, just knock it on the head

simples

lou33 · 06/09/2009 18:51

this is what i said to her privately

HappyWoman · 06/09/2009 18:51

I too feel it is a shame that he is not able to open up to you about his past without people thinking there is some motive.

He seems to have had more recent relationships and it was long time ago.

people do make mistakes and maybe he is really sorry and has dealt with it.

But the fact that you do not feel right is not good and you need to feel comfortable above all else.