Shocking confession from new man..

[badheadache]

Namechanger here,regular poster, with a genuine reason.

We've been dating for about 3 weeks and getting on well. I;d say he was a grower.

Anyway. Today he has told me that he had a bad split from his girlfriend (this is some years ago). Essentiall his story is that he hit her, in self defence.

And no, I don't mean just a slap .

Of course there is more to it than that but bottom line is - he attacked her and I can't get past that

Bottom line is I am very freaked out by this and my instincts are saying leave now.

My XP did some pretty nasty things to me but one thing I will say - he never hit me.

I'm very shocked. Not sure what I'm asking for here but I needed to get it down and get some perspective and just talk it out. PS please don't out me if you recognise who this is. Thanks.

i think the fact he's had another relationship. which lasted 3 years and wasn't voilent is a good thing.

how does he describe the 3 yr relationship... was it another horrible nutcase or split. or just a normal relationship which went wrong and didn't work.

if it was the latter... then perhaps he wants you to know before you find out from someone else.

do you come from a small community? is there friends or family who would have been able to tell you this story and he wanted you to know so you weren't embarassed by someone else telling you?

it was 9 years ago. and nothing similar has ever happened? no other assault incidents?

hmmm.... on thinking on it...... re reading your op.

it wasn't just a slap... i'm assuming you mean it was something that involved the ow to end up in hospital or with cuts/bruises.

no matter what the situation. if it was anything like that then walk away.......

.... no matter how angry... or how provocated(sp?)........ could you be with someone capable of this.

myself personally.... could never imagine being angry enough to harm someone in this way. and could never be with someone capable of causing this type of harm to anyone... ANYONE... no matter what they had done, or in self defence. restraining/walking away/closing a door and calling police is always the option that should be natural..... not to attack them in return.

Do you know how many really nice blokes there are out there? Who would never consider hitting anyone or anything, man, woman,child, animal?

There are Loads and Loads and Loads.

Do not settle for anything less than that, your survival instinct is right.

Yes, I know what I'm going to do.

He said 'If someone hits me I hit them back'.

She had split lips (enough to spray blood over the walls)and broken ribs. This was because she aimed a punch at him but missed.

"myself personally.... could never imagine being angry enough to harm someone in this way. and could never be with someone capable of causing this type of harm to anyone... ANYONE... no matter what they had done, or in self defence"

Me neither. I mean no-one knows how they would react but my instinct would be to walk away or protect myself.

I've had my moments of feeling unbelievably angry (hasn't everyone) but I just can't, can't imagine doing that to ANYBODY.

right, badheadache

thre is now no question

bin this fucker, immediately

and tbh, you have been naughty of a bit of stealth here

if you had given those details at the beginning of this thread, the responses would have been unanimously "get rid"

instead, you got a few posters who attempted to see his side...

why did you do that ?

Hummm difficult one.

Think ib has it just right.

To his credit he told you early on in the relationshuo and l hope he has no other wee surprises up his sleeve.

Trust your instincts on this one.
If you decide to continue to see him tell him straight--he so much as threatens you with a finger you will be gobe.
Good luck

... broken ribs..

badheadache

do you have any idea just how hard you need to hit someone to break a rib.

never mind several

run run run run run

That's a definite reason for dumping him, I was all prepared to say give the guy a chance as I know my dp slapped his 1st wife once when he caught her in bed with his brother, but that was once and he has never raised his hand again, however your boyfriend certainly gave more than a slap and a level of violence like that would worry me.

"He said 'If someone hits me I hit them back'.

She had split lips (enough to spray blood over the walls)and broken ribs. This was because she aimed a punch at him but missed."

Dump the fucker. He cannot be trusted and he is testing the water with you.

Run for the hills.

why did you do that ?

Well I didn't intend it to be a stealth thread.

I don't want to be convinced to 'stay' if that's what you mean.

I thoughty people might be imagining maybe 'not so bad'.

I was also worried about providing identifying details but I don't think any of the parties involved would be reading mumsnet anyhow.

Oh, and I think it is very unlikely that that was was the first time he ever hit her.

There are very few instances when self defence is really necessary. She 'missed' hitting him, but she ended up with broken ribs? Doesn't sound like self defence to me...

Of course in the heat of the moment, people tend not to think clearly, but if his reaction was to lash out rather than leave (fight vs flight) then this is the sort of man who has the potential of being violent.

badheadache, they couldn't imagine anything that could be anywhere near the truth if you didn't supply the seriousness of the details in the first place

I don't care if I know you, that was a rubbish thing to do

The injuries aren't consistent with self defence. It's early days and you can get out of this unscathed.

Just the fact that it makes you feel uncomfortable is enough, you will always be worrying what would happen when you argue.

I don't know who you are but you do sound like a girl who has her head screwed on. I think you know what you need to do.

broken ribs is not self defence from a missed punch.

leave. Fast.

My ex told me his ex was a psycho too - she tried attacking numerous people, had abortions to wind him up(!) and sent him to a mental institution.....

turns out it was the other way round - he attacked her, like he did me....

listen to your insides. They're often right.

Split lips and broken ribs would have been born of a high level of aggression and loss of self control. This was not self defence by any stretch of the imagination and it was highly unlikely to have been an isolated incident.

I'm a self defence instructor, if that adds any weight to my opinion?

He may have expreienced a 3 year relationship with someone who did nothing to trip him off, hence no violence (how nerve wracking that must have been for her!) but at some point, somewhere along the line, his anger/control issues will surface.

I detest abusive behaviour in both men and women and have known several men who have been abused by their partners. None of them have made a reactive attack like this because the truly abused generally don't.

I think in choosing to walk away, you are without a doubt making a conscious, aware and positive move.

She aimed a punch at him and missed so he split her lip and broke her ribs? In what world is that self defence?

Vile - say goodbye and don't look back

An ex of mine eventually resorted to violence this was 3 yrs down the line. He too had had a 10 yr relationship without any incidents, turns out she was forever treading on eggshells and keeping things from him.

I also found at the there was violence in a previous relationship. These men are only safe with women who appease them.

I've got to ask cos I cant picture it, how do you get broken ribs from a missed hit at him?

• run , while you still can .

I'd ditch him immediately.