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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shocking confession from new man..

101 replies

badheadache · 06/09/2009 17:45

Namechanger here,regular poster, with a genuine reason.

We've been dating for about 3 weeks and getting on well. I;d say he was a grower.

Anyway. Today he has told me that he had a bad split from his girlfriend (this is some years ago). Essentiall his story is that he hit her, in self defence.

And no, I don't mean just a slap .

Of course there is more to it than that but bottom line is - he attacked her and I can't get past that

Bottom line is I am very freaked out by this and my instincts are saying leave now.

My XP did some pretty nasty things to me but one thing I will say - he never hit me.

I'm very shocked. Not sure what I'm asking for here but I needed to get it down and get some perspective and just talk it out. PS please don't out me if you recognise who this is. Thanks.

OP posts:

ninah · 06/09/2009 20:36

if you are looking, check out the fit interesting thread on lone parents
thrills and spills guaranteed

Original poster

badheadache · 06/09/2009 20:37

Just wanted to add...thank you everybody.

OP posts:

dittany · 06/09/2009 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lou33 · 06/09/2009 20:44

well done

and as for bringing him into her dc's lives and needing ss, they have never met ,just for the record

and now they never will

Original poster

badheadache · 06/09/2009 20:47

Well tbh I can really understand why people have a strong reaction to this.

I had no indication before today that he had done anything like this which was why it shocked me so much.

But his reaction confirmed that I did exactly the right thing. Apparently I was wrong to be upset by it and had no right to hold it against him, because it happened ages ago.

I have also been getting abusive texts so switched my phone off.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 06/09/2009 20:48

Glad you took swift and decisive action.

Am curious though, what prompted him to confess to you so early into the relationship? And, the amount of explicit and gory detail he gave when describing what happened seems very creepy....or was that him attempting to be 'completely honest' with you?

ninah · 06/09/2009 20:49

god you really are well out of this one, thank goodness you found out

TheCrackFox · 06/09/2009 21:04

Well done. The whole thing sounds very upsetting. Now you are free to meet someone lovely.

ravenAK · 06/09/2009 21:10

It's quite easy to split someone's lip & spray blood everywhere - I did it to my late dh#1 once: he'd punched me, I punched him back...not a healthy relationship, but I didn't hit him very hard at all - I happened to be wearing a very heavy & ornate ring, though.

Breaking a rib, OTOH, requires quite a bit of impact. Several would certainly suggest a sustained barrage of punches.

You're well out of it OP, & the abusive texts only go to prove it. Good for you.

AnyFucker · 06/09/2009 21:15

well yes, alwayslookingforanswers

I did say I would wait for someone to come along and prove me wrong wrt to the "I've met my soulmate (but I've only known him 3 weeks......)"

there is always an exception to the rule

but that is just it, it is the exception...

and I do hope you know what you are doing

if you were my friend, I would be telling you to be cautious

but then I expect you wouldn't listen, would you ?

alwayslookingforanswers · 06/09/2009 21:17

well I hope I know what I'm doing after 10 1/2yrs living together .

(I didn't know it at the time but my mum's relationship was also as brief before she got engaged - though she's still with him I think she married a twat - but there you go).

AnyFucker · 06/09/2009 21:21

always, do you admit that you are the exception to the rule ?

alwayslookingforanswers · 06/09/2009 21:27

I suppose I could be - but I know quite a few of us exceptions in RL. I know some who were the opposite of me and ended up with horrible men too so it doesn't always work any better the other way round either. My shortest relationshp before I met DH was 7 months.

However this isn't what the thread is about and is distracting from the actual seriousness of it, I only wanted to pick up on the point to say I'm not a silly woman

AnyFucker · 06/09/2009 21:28

fair point always

I am surprised I wasn't jumped on more

but like you say, this is not the point of this thread

Original poster

badheadache · 06/09/2009 21:38

Earlybird...what prompted him to tell me. No idea. But I'm glad he did as it prompted me to stop things going any further.

And thanks again everybody for being supportive and giving me a boot up the bum when required

OP posts:

Remotew · 06/09/2009 21:39

Oh Badheadache don't reply to him at all.

I think he probably told you because he would be worried someone else would someway along the line.

Earlybird · 06/09/2009 21:42

badheadache - It is a blessing in disguise that he told you about this after 3 weeks. It could easily have not come out until much later on in the relationship when you were deeply involved emotionally.

Think I'd count it a narrow escape!

LyraSilvertongue · 06/09/2009 21:53

I was attempting to see his side, was prepared to say give him credit for his honesty, until you mentioned the split lips and broken ribs.
That is not 'hitting someone in self defence'. That is a full-on violent attack.
I'm quite shocked that he actually told you about this so soon into a new relationship.

Original poster

badheadache · 06/09/2009 22:00

Don't worry eve I'm not replying. No intention.

And thankfully no more texts, yet so fingers crossed.

OP posts:

Remotew · 06/09/2009 22:08

Hope you are feeling OK with all this.

mathanxiety · 06/09/2009 23:44

Drop him like a hot potato. He is telling you in a subtle way what you can expect from him in the future (the self defence line is crapola, ime). He is conditioning you to accept little abusive acts, which will build up. Telling you this is testing the waters. There will be further testing...

PortBlacksandResident · 06/09/2009 23:56

Can i just say that your line in your op "My XP did some pretty nasty things to me but one thing I will say - he never hit me. "

Kind of sets a very low bench, mark about what you would or wouldn't accept from a bloke.

You deserve better all round i would say...

LyraSilvertongue · 06/09/2009 23:58

Mathanxiety, she's already dropped him like a hot potato.

hatesponge · 06/09/2009 23:58

FWIW I think you have done entirely the right thing.

I suspect my Ex has either not told his current girlfriend anything about our relationship, or if he has mentioned any of the stuff he did (not much physical violence, it was more threats, spitting, breaking things, and nasty verbal abuse) he would say it was because I was emotionally abusive to him & 'drove' him to it! He used to tell me that a lot.

I would warn her about him, but as I've seen her stand about 6 inches away from him and scream and swear in his face (which I would never have dared to ) all because I had come to DS's football match when she didnt think I should be there, I'm staying well out of it - she clearly doesn't like me so I don't think anything I told her would be well received or believed.

hatesponge · 07/09/2009 00:02

Sorry, meant to add, any man I meet now who says overly derogatory stuff about their Ex, or that that their Ex 'drove' them by her awful behaviour to do XYZ, sets off all manner of alarm bells ringing for me.

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