I'm not going to be popular, but I need someone to talk to

[veryconfusedandupset]

Have name changed for this, obviously. Married for many years but although we intellectually connect and have fun the sexual side of it has never been quite right. DH seems inhibited and isn't really up for anything out of the ordinary. Anyway, I'm on this committee to do with work and through it I met X who is a few years younger than me, overweight, totooed and into bling (really not my type)on his third marriage and very good company. Not obviously attractive but there is something about him. he is a nurse who holds an administrative position and has that nice empathic manner that male nurses sometimes do. Anyway one thing led to another and before I knew where I was I was being bombarded with texts, invited for drinks and we began to see each other.We do get on very well, not just sexually. It has really messed my head about. As we both have families ( though mine are teens, his daughter is 11) we agreed we would not run away togerther, but both said we would like to.He is an acomplished lover and I do want him physically but each time we get close to having sex he pulls back and says that is not as high on his agenda as it is on mine ( though he invites me round to his house when his wife is out), sends me porny pictures and tries to have sex in wierd positions, but never actually does very much. I've been really silly over this and I'm now unreasonably and stupidly totally in love with him and I think I'm scaring him off by being a bit OTT. I'm just so upset and want to be with him and I feel miserable because he doesn't think it is reasonable I think sex is so important and now he is off to Devon on holiday for a week and I just can't cope and he thinks it is unreasonable of me tobe upset.I've tried really hard with DH over the years but no oral sex, not much sexual activity and no talking in bed leaves me very frustrated. No one will have any sympathy with me but I just can't cope with this on my own. Lover thinks I should be happy just to meet for a grope every now and then in a car park - or to pay for hotel for our meets.(he seems to have no money despite earning more than me)What a mess, am I being unreasonable to want more from X - or is he right that I should just chill out and enjoy what is on offer? If I give him up I'm going to feel distraught, upset and lost, but I feel like sh*t anyway. Don't want to leave DH, love him but can't cope with barren sex life forever - I'm getting on a bit and this might be my last chance.Abit of sensible advice and insight please.

no purple, I cannot accept "there but for the grace of God..."

even in my darkest days there is no way I would be cavorting with this bloke, he sounds like an utter wanker

Thesecondcoming - I'm getting a bit cross about people accusing me of being a troll - I've posted on other threads in this name and there are plenty of clues there about who I really am too. Maybe I have ben a bit harsh in my description of X ( and the warty things are psoriasis growths) in some respects but I've just tried to tell it as it is - I keep thinking it is just me being silly about all these negative things, which in the full context of our relationship are odd to me but more due to his sense of humour than being totally pervy. I've posted before about the problems of living in a house with 2 x DS who are really good company, and DH who becomes another member of the boys club, it is one of the reasons I get lonely. I know you mught think my problems are funny but they are real and serious to me.

tsc, I think vcau is for real

some of it is so awful, it has to be true

the situation that is, and the shit that she has put up with (but not her, unless she kicks him into touch, if not she is as bad as him)

I think the rule on MN should be "if you cannot be helpful and supportive, don't post anything."

AF- the quote There but fot the grace" etc is meant to show that sometimes we do not have free will be be who we want to be and choose what happens to us. I think you need to understand the depth of that quotation, not just look at it and say "I wouldn't do that" - you miss the point.

I do not agree purple

sometimes a situation is so patently bad that being "helpful" or "supportive" would be called collusion

sometimes what is needed is a swift dose of reality

I think the OP in this case, as painful as she has probably found it, has had her eyes opened. I see the only thing she has taken offence to is being suspected as a troll

and I believe you do have free will to kick a wanker like this into touch

I'm sorry but I would never encourage nor facilitate someone having an affair. I have been the OP's OM's wife in this situation and what she is partaking in is awful. I am being supportive when I say, either leave your husband or leave this OM. Have some self respect.

Have a break from both of them if you need time to sort out your head.

It is never right to have an affair. You could potentially ruin a perfectly innocent person's (two in this case) life.

It's hard but not impossible to a) ensure you are single before you get involved with someone else and b) choose someone who is single themselves. (It is totally different if the OM had lied to his new partner and said he was single when he wasn't)

There is a lot of sense in some of the posts here, but there is also a l ot of nonsense.
And a lot of judging.

If this guy likes to send pics of copulating dogs to the OW/OP it might not be to YOUR taste ( or mine come to that) but it doesn't make him a BAD PERSON- it's just something that turns him on and he thinks the OP will like it too.

If you want to give helpful advice you have to take your own prejudices and sexual preferences out of the equation and just look at the facts- married woman, not happy, meet smarried man. Falls in love, as she thinks it is, ( whether he is wanker of not is your perception)and wants to know what to do.

No one can possibly know this guy through a forum, so it's not very helpful to do a character assassination on him- just try t o help the OP with her dilemma.

pointing out that the guy is a wanker and frankly, fucking weird to think that a pic of dogs shagging will "turn her on" is helping the OP with her dilemma

that is a fact

Some thoughts on one of the original questions about why he chose those particular sexual positions - possible reasons, not mutually exclusive

a) They are his favourite and he presumes you will like them
b) They are his favourite and he doesn't care if you like them and sees you as an object to try them out on
d) They are deep penetration positions, he thinks this is what women want
e) They are deep penetration positions, this is what he wants
f) They expose your arse therefore moving him closer to achieving his fantasy of anal sex

well there is nothing much I can do about it this week. I'm old enough and wise enough not to believe in "the sisterhood" quite a few other women have been quick enough to f**k up my life in the past - so I take the view that in this situation X and I are individually responsible for decisions concerning our respective families. I think with the odd positions maybe he did want to impress me - said he wanted to see my face and get in deep but I just thought it was a rather "unfriendly" approach for the first time together and it hurt my arm and back a bit ( not his intention obviously). Now feel can't finish it because I feel I love him, can't be with him because it is a more problematic life not a better one - couldn't cope living in tiny place with the dogs (not a bredd i like very much) and aggro from his family and all our friends hateing us - and
not much point going on like this even if it is an option - too much hassle, not enough reward in the long term. Will have big talk when he gets back as I've said before, looked at counselling today, and will explore further tomorrow.

what do you mean you don't believe in the sisterhood and women have fucked up your life in the past

do you think you are being given duff advice on this thread ?

No, by "the sisterhood" I mean the way some women think that we should all take care not to upset other women because we are in the same boat - I sort of agreed with this until I was in my early 20's and had more than one boyfriend "stolen" by other females.

huh ?

so you think just cos some women did it to you, it is ok to do it to some one else ???

you can go off people.....

Op, I had some sympathy for you earlier on this thread, albeit more in a feeling sorry for you that you thought this wanker was good for you

now I think you deserve everything you get

No! No! No! I'm just saying that we each have to accept individual responsibility for our families. I do understand his dd is especially precious to him and he sill almost certainly choose to stay in his marriage for her sake. WE have both promised to be absoloutely discreet unless and untill we decided to makefuture together, which I realistically think is very unlikely. I'd just hoped for mutual happiness and support.

i dont know what you should do either.
imagine him having a shit?
imagine him on the loo,
cutting his toe nails.

you will get over him, if you let yourself .. you can't seriously want to split up 2 familes for this weirdo sexual technique THREE times Married ffs person?

It's not an affair.

You are not even getting a decent shag.

If he was your actual boyfriend and neither of you were married he would be a total dud.

vcau, you are backtracking somewhat, that is not what you said

although I agree his family is his own responsibilty, you quite clearly implied that because you had had boyfriends "stolen" by women in your 20's then that somehow excused your skanky behaviour now

Sorry, didn't mean it to come across tht way - even I'm not so scarred by my past that things that happened over 20 years ago are a motivational factor now.I will let everyone know the outcome but unless something is said that I feel I need to comment on I'll try to stay away for a bit 9 which was my intention a couple of days ago) as it makes it hurt to pick at it!

anyfucker and dittany- I think you are misinterpreting completely the point that the OP was trying to make. You'r e doing the class ic 2+2 = 6. (TBH I think the OP is not terribly good at explaining how she feels and this results in alot of confusion and her having to come back and "explain").

She was NOT saying that she had been dished dirt by other women and therefore this was some kind of payback- ie seeing a married man. What i THINK she was saying was that she doesn't necessarily want to listen to/take all the "classic" advice here from women, as women aren't always as supportive or non-judgemental as we would assume, and sometimes have another (selfish/biased) agenda. That's a million miles away from saying she is having an affair and excusing it because she was hurt by other women .

OP_ you know what you need to do. The things you have written recently show that you do not love this man as you might be imaginiing you do- to dismiss a future relationship becasue of the size of his house or the breed of his dogs is just plain daft. It's been a flirtation that's gone too far- just step back and decide if you want your DH or not.