I'm not going to be popular, but I need someone to talk to

[veryconfusedandupset]

Have name changed for this, obviously. Married for many years but although we intellectually connect and have fun the sexual side of it has never been quite right. DH seems inhibited and isn't really up for anything out of the ordinary. Anyway, I'm on this committee to do with work and through it I met X who is a few years younger than me, overweight, totooed and into bling (really not my type)on his third marriage and very good company. Not obviously attractive but there is something about him. he is a nurse who holds an administrative position and has that nice empathic manner that male nurses sometimes do. Anyway one thing led to another and before I knew where I was I was being bombarded with texts, invited for drinks and we began to see each other.We do get on very well, not just sexually. It has really messed my head about. As we both have families ( though mine are teens, his daughter is 11) we agreed we would not run away togerther, but both said we would like to.He is an acomplished lover and I do want him physically but each time we get close to having sex he pulls back and says that is not as high on his agenda as it is on mine ( though he invites me round to his house when his wife is out), sends me porny pictures and tries to have sex in wierd positions, but never actually does very much. I've been really silly over this and I'm now unreasonably and stupidly totally in love with him and I think I'm scaring him off by being a bit OTT. I'm just so upset and want to be with him and I feel miserable because he doesn't think it is reasonable I think sex is so important and now he is off to Devon on holiday for a week and I just can't cope and he thinks it is unreasonable of me tobe upset.I've tried really hard with DH over the years but no oral sex, not much sexual activity and no talking in bed leaves me very frustrated. No one will have any sympathy with me but I just can't cope with this on my own. Lover thinks I should be happy just to meet for a grope every now and then in a car park - or to pay for hotel for our meets.(he seems to have no money despite earning more than me)What a mess, am I being unreasonable to want more from X - or is he right that I should just chill out and enjoy what is on offer? If I give him up I'm going to feel distraught, upset and lost, but I feel like sh*t anyway. Don't want to leave DH, love him but can't cope with barren sex life forever - I'm getting on a bit and this might be my last chance.Abit of sensible advice and insight please.

Thanks knockedgymnast.
Ok, I think I'm catching on here (TMSB sneaks out of sheltered life for a moment)

Maybe it's a Caveman costume? Conan the Barbarian-crushing his women.
Or perhaps: The Elephant Man?

Umm...dogs? And then you let him...to you? [puking emoticon]

I don't think this is a hoax. I just came across 'confused and upset' on another thread "So that's it then - I am destined to live the remainder of my life in misery......." where her message to the person who started the thread was "just taking a rest from another thread I am getting a lot of flak on" and then goes on to post a very warm and straight message.

Dear Confused and Upset - at some point in our lives we all find ourselves in situations that others cannot understand (and may not even believe they are so crazy). We all have moments (or months) of madness. You know what you have to do though. I wish you the very best of luck.

I'm back to say a bit more - Knockedgymnast, I saw him last Wednesday because he was off for a week from Saturday, will be returning next Sunday. Today I had a meeting with some of the members of the committee we sit on, and felt a bit guilty because everyone on it likes and respects him and at the end of the day I have strong feelings too - it is easy to list the things wrong with someone, but he is very kindly, has lovely hair and big blue eyes and the matrimonial background he has is a bit sad. Wife has chased all his friends away and doesn't let him pursue the outside interests he used to have, suspect it has made him a bit odd, has spent lots of money on kit for the hobby (the historical thing) that he doesn't get the opportunity to do. I've decided not to email or leave any texts while he is away - not even minutes of today's meeting. If he is at all cool with me when he comes back I'll just say I have a toe in the water with someone else ( which is not true) and if he is enthusiastic about seeing me some more I will lay down some rules and let him know that I find some of his behaviour offensive and upsetting. If you are in a relationship where there are problems that you just cannot solve whatever you do then I do feel finding someone else to be your friend and support and supply what is missing is not a bad solution, but when I look at it all the comment that I was being treated worse than a hooker is probably true. I really think he has no idea how yucky some of the things he says and does are - last week he said he saw some shoes at a car boot sale I would have liked! ( and if you knew my other name you would see I'm a Toast/Brora/Chie Mihara sort of girl)

Why waste any more time on him? Why put yourself through it? This isn't a long term relationship. It creates awkwardness at work. It might destroy your marriage. You've "been there" and "tried that", now it is time to move on. The holiday break is a good time to do that.

Sorry to say, but you need to walk away and you know you don't need to look back.

Oh crikey, don't fall for the wife's an ogress line. I doubt she's chased his friends away, it sounds like his unusual personality may have done that for himself.

It's very easy to like people in a work context, they're at their best - efficient, capable, friendly and professional (usually..) It isn't the real world, which is why so many workplace affairs end when the couple get a big fat dose of reality.

Where do you think this is going? The sex isn't even any good, and he's certainly not a long term bet, even if he were to leave his wife.

I think you're still in totally the wrong frame of mind about this - focus on your husband, not this idiot. Don't get involved in game playing, it isn't worth it, he isn't worth wasting any energy on. I doubt you'll listen as it sounds like he's got you hooked. God knows how, he sounds horrid.

Sounds like the classic situation - you're not happy in your marriage, you're looking for excitement and/or a way out, you latch on to whoever is offering a sniff of that and convince yourself you're in love with him.

Doesn't sound like love. Doesn't even sound like much fun.

Sort out your marriage / separation first, then see how you feel.

sometimes though MM people aren't actively looking- it just happens, often when you least expect it.

There is a lot of judging going on here, and life is not always black and white.

OP- I feel for you, but you have to ask yourself what you want. Are you wanting the OM to leave his family for you? Do you want to leave your DH? Do you need to leave your DH anyway if you are so unhappy? It looks as if you could be hurt by this man.

Just today with him being away and being lonely at work and thinking about him I want to leave home and be with him, but I don't suppose that is on offer - I may be "the one" but he doesn't seem to care very much.

"The one"? How old are you?

Yup, that's a classic way to find "The One"- just stick yer legs in the air luv while i think about me dogs shaggin'...Not quite the Rialto Bridge at sunset, is it?

bitoffun

I really don't think I'm usually judgey but it's difficult not to be with this situation - it just sounds so utterly sordid and one sided, and not in the OP's favour. It's like some teenage crush gone bad.

Sorry, wallowing in it a bit tonight, when you are as old as me it comes as a bit of a surprise to be as much an idiot and feel the pain exactly the same as when you get messed about when you are 16. Nothing anyone does makes me feel very happy at the moment - and as I should have had a great week last week with a birthday and DS1 getting into Oxford perhaps I really should go down the counselling route. I know this will only lead to unhappiness one way or the other but some of it was great fun - don't get asked to take my clothes off at picnics much these days! Will try to leave my thoughts alone for a bit now, but will post on what happens next week.

He treats you like shit!

Take control and end it FFS.

I think because your own H has a low libido (and presumably expects you just to accept this) your frustration has built up to the point where you are desperate for any kind of positive attention. So your H is not entirely blameless in this mess. However, much as I personally have lots of friends who are into historical reenactment, anal sex and porn (several of whom I have shagged), I don't think this man is the answer to your problems.
I would advise sitting your H down for a talk about how unhappy and frustrated you are with your marital sex life, and asking him how he feels about it and what he thinks you should both do to reach a working compromise that you are both happy with. As to Mr Doggy Pop Shot, every time you start thinking about his lovely eyes or whatever, follow it with a thought of his warty hands andbeer gut, and you will quickly get over him.

I take it that MrWarty isn't one of your beaux then, SGB?

I don't do dog-owners, BoF. Or anal, at least not on the receiving end

Or being messed around by someone who tells you you're sex-obsessed, and sends you photos of dogs shagging, I'll wager

Dittany - I don't know why I've fallen for it. I find making friends very difficult, I'm on the board of a charity and like my co trustees, but we never talk about anything personal, I've found this committee that I sit on with X really good fun ( although it is about something really stuffy) we are not
colleagues who work together, in fact we manage businesses that operate in the same field. He said he had fancied me for 2 years and done nothing but admire frm afar and then when we had to exchange emails on an almost daily basis through work for the committee we just got more and more genuinely friendly - nothing romantic, except perhaps the odd "miss you" when we were away. Then after one meeting we went for coffee to discuss a diversity handbook he is writing and I was just tongue tied and felt like a 16 year old with a crush. It was followed by frantic and relentless emails and texts, all lovely and morale boosting. Then we went for a drink and kissed in the care park. Since then it has been picnics, walks in secluded countryside and one trip to hotel, plus the odd meet up at his house, which I fell very uncomfortable about. To begin with I felt the intensity of his attenion almost off putting, but now it is like a drug I can't get enough of. I've kept the nicest emails, printed out and safe in a special place. I've tried to do a spreadsheet leading to the conclusion it can't work - if we left partners we would be very poor, 2 x spouses and 3 children would have broken homes and as he is over weight, sthmatic, smokes and has the most unhealthy diet you can imagine he might not be around ( or up for much) indefinately either. DH is not very romantic, never texts or emails me, does try - does great birthday presents and treats - but acts like a best friend or slightly goofy brother and spends most of time acting like a third son. I just feel lonely and unloved and as if I went out of the house and stayed away for a week no one would notice. I should know better, had an affair 15 years ago with a total rat who was alcoholic and horrid to me, loved him too!

I think this is so sad, and your DH sounds lovely, a bit misunderstood tbh. Is there really no way you could try and reignite any spark with him? If not, let him go as I bet he's miserable knowing he can't make you happy. It sounds as though you're trying to fill some void (no pervy pun intended!), but in the wrong way.

I don't think there's any point in doing spreadsheets, it's all based on a fantasy of what you want him to be. In reality he's an unhealthy, pervy man who's been round the block a few times, and will never leave his unfortunate wife.

Please please book yourself some counselling, either alone, or with your DH.

a spreadsheet won't give you the answers you crave

re. the OM, just a long, hard look at him should be sufficient

re. your marriage, if you can't be arsed to put more effort in, then of course it is probably doomed, cos if things don't work out with fat, sideways-shagging, anal-porn-boy then it will just be someone else who shows a bit of interest

from what you have said about your dh, there could be some promise there, but you would both have to put a lot of effort in (and stop getting your fanny tickled by sad losers)

You are not "The One" as long as he is still with his wife.

Please give the OP a break!

Okay, falling for a married guy is not ideal, but who are you all to condemn him in such a way? Talk about judgemental and holier-than-thou. "There but for the grace of God"...should be a phrase you all think on. a little more.

OP- you have to decide what you want. Does this man sound as if he is going to offer you anything other than a fling? Do you want more than a fling? do you want to rebuild your marriage? These are the questions you need to answer, not whether he likes porny pics, or how he wants to shag you.

If this relationship has shown you that your marriage is dead, then leave. If it shows it could be mended then mend it- with help. if you love the OM then go for it- don't ask us for permission- it's your life.