DP just walked out on me and our 2 week DD - very long, sorry.

[SheWillBeLoved]

Because I had a moment of hormonal weakness and searched for some of his usernames on a swinging website that I have asked him to leave before.

He joined again, 3 months ago, claiming to be single and looking to meet with women. Full profile completed, complete with pictures of his knob in all of it's glory. Pictures to women sent, with said pictures attached. Messages on the forum asking if anybody needs a lift to a swinging club that night.

After much screaming and crying I finally got out of him that he did it 'because he was bored and likes attention'. And that me or the baby never got a second thought when he was logging in/out/sending messages - it was just something he did and when he did it, nothing else was in his head, and when he had finished, he completely forgets about it so therefore didn't think to mention it to me. Also claims he was just looking for a friend on there who he originally met on this site, because he 'just likes to talk to her, it has never been sexual'.

This isn't the first time I've known him to be on these sites. I just fail to see how he honestly could not have thought about me and how much it hurt me the last time(s), when he was signing up with a different name again, and sending messages to local women. He claims he hasn't been back on the site since the night he made the new profile 3 months ago.

He swears on our babies life that he hasn't met anybody from these sites, but he has been to a swingers party where he just watched, not sure if he said that was before we were together, or when we had split for 6 months a couple of years ago due to similar problems.

He now says that he doesn't trust me at all because I checked up on him. And I obviously don't trust him (wonder why) because I checked up on him. He's packed his clothes, smashed his phone against the wall because somebody kept calling, and has now left. No way of getting hold of him, until he decides he wants to see his daughter and knocks on my door (he's taken his house keys off his set).

I feel so foolish. I have always known that he likes attention, but the extent he goes to just to get it is just unreal. He doesn't like porn, and so this is the next best thing as 'it's more exciting as you know the person is real'.

Is it my fault? Have I made it okay for him to do this by forgiving him so readily in the past? I helped him pack his clothes this time, and part of me wants it to be over because I can't keep on doing this to myself, or our daughter now. But I want it to not be over so bad. Our relationship has been amazing since our daughter arrived, both agreeing we felt so much closer. And now it's gone, and i'm sat here watching her sleep in her crib and feeling like i've let her down so badly.

What do I do? I know what people are going to say. Just hoping to soak in some strength from any words somebody may have.

Sorry because you are a nice and good person, and you are dealing with a user and a cheater who doesn't care about you or your baby at all. None of this is your fault he made a lot of terrible choices, and now please make him pay the price. You have a right to snoop better to find out through snooping than to come down with some nasty std and find out that way. The fact he tries to make you feel bad for snooping is proof he is immature and not taking any responsibility for his behaviour. He is a cheater and nothing you do, nothing about you, nothing about your history of loving him and forgiving him is ever going to change that. Clearly nothing about now being a dad means much to him either. You're dealing with a big overgrown two year old, throwing tantrums, looking for attention, blaming other people, minimising the hurt he has caused.. Get on with your life. You'll feel very upside down and inside out for a while, then it will get better. You don't need all this drama right now.

Hi again, just read the whole thread. Yes, SWBL, it is all BS, every word of it. What he is trying to make you do is believe his words and not his actions -- that is, completely doubt yourself and everything your gut is telling you, and instead trust a man who laughed at the idea of being a sex addict, who spent time and energy to take photos of himself and post them, make up passwords, talk to people online (and, oh yeah, not remember anything about any of the conversations), and then go to a swingers party but just watch . Do they have special chairs by the walls for the men who are there just to watch? If he's going to be in the house, even for a while, install spectorpro on the computer. But I think the majority opinion here is throw him out soon.

Please get rid of him. He will make you miserable for a long, long time if you let him. Yes the things he has done are shitty but more than that he is never thinking about you. All you have said about him makes me think he only thinks about himself.

You really do just have to ask him to leave. He can go to his mothers. You will not start to heal, you will not start the rest of your life with your wonderful daughter until he is out of the house.

There really are much better men out there.

You will feel a 100 times stronger if you just make a decision and get him out. You know in your heart that this is what has to happen.

Ok, here is what I would do now.

Tell him that you accept his apology although it doesn't "cancel out" what he has done.

Tell him that you need to be apart from him and that he needs to

a) grow up - seriously grow up and accept that he is a grown man with a family to love and support

b) go out and find a job, any job, so that he can financially support you, find some non cyber friends and most importantly stop him from getting "bored"

c) take some time to think about how he would feel if the boot was on the other foot, and also what he wants out of life.

d) arrange himself some counselling to sort out his mess of a life

Then take all your things and your dd and go to stay with family, if you can.

Avoid contact with him as much as possible, and then call him in a few weeks to see what conclusions he has come to.

It would then be up to you if you wanted to give things a second chance or not.

I, personally, don't think I would be able to live with someone who had to put post its on his pc to remind himself not to go on swinging sites. What happens if the post it falls off? I can see it now as an excuse....

SheWill - if you don't do anything else, please take some time out from this - you really need some space from him. It makes me feel smothered just thinking about it.

Hope you are ok - we are not meaning to be harsh towards you, it's just that sometimes when you are in a situation like this it is difficult to see the wood for the trees .

If he needs a fucking netnany, he is not mature enough to use a computer.

Ban him from using it.

It is not your job to go looking for swinging sites, check if he has an account, and ask for it to be closed.

What the fuck is he thinking? He wants so subject his own wife to the smut he has used to cheat?

This man has no sense of reality. He must be seriously deluded if he thinks his suggestions are good.

agree with QS. I'm very sceptical about the poor me I'm a helpless addict line of defence he's taking. And I think it's disgusting he's expecting you to trawl swinging sites.

So he apologised. Big deal. Took him long enough - Wednesday to Friday night?

I myself did something wrong in my relationship very recently and although I was very confused at the time, the first thing I did was to tell my DP because I knew being honest straight away would be a big factor in our being able to move on.

Only when he realised you weren't buying the "forgot" line did he bother

He's reduced you (a good woman) and your (no doubt gorgeous) DD to a fucking post-it note

(Anyone else thinking NPD: idealise, devalue, discard?)

He whooped at being labelled a "sex addict"?
He wants you to do his dirty work by clearing up after him online as well?
He doesn't respect you and never will.

Your moment hasn't passed: if you want him out, you still sound strong enough to do it... are you going to be as strong when it happens a third time?

He's told you what he thinks you need to hear in order to get you stay with him.

It's more manipulation.

I'd be looking at his actions, rather than words, in all areas of your relationship to see if he means what he says.

Does he do housework, does he provide financially, is he supportive of you.

You do know the answer but it may be difficult to accept.

wow, notplaying, "(Anyone else thinking NPD: idealise, devalue, discard?)" I knew my x was a narcissist, but the idealise, devalue, discard, that really strikes a chord. Well, I left him, but he'd already 'discareded' me years ago. I was an incompetent domestic expense to him. (he was so mean finincially, but he still saw himself as a marvellous benefactor to me, providing a temporary roof over my head. NO more than that though).

DOn;t fall for this one, either. If he puts you in the position of his 'keeper' then he will simply carry on cheating and once again it will be your fault for not having managed to remove all the passwords, or not having realised that he would not be able to help his poor wickle fingers from hacking into the account.
He has no respect or compassion for you at all: he thinks you are a domestic appliance and childminder. When he says he 'wants the relationship to work' he means he quite likes the domestic service and enjoys the idea of himself as a happily married dad but he wants to carry on with a sex life that doesn't appeal to or include you.
I get the impression you have let him get away with selfish inconsiderate behaviour for a long time and now he thinks that you are so desperate to keep him that you will believe any old bullshit he comes up with, so all he has to to is fib a bit, flatter you a bit and carry doing what he likes. OK he might have to tune out some inconvenient crying now and again but on the whole you will keep feeding and caring for him and raising his DD...
You have to get out of this before your self respect is totally destroyed.

a man who needs a post it note on the computer to remind him that he has a partner and newborn is not a man

i cannot believe the stuff he is coming out with

you cannot commit to a future with a man who put you and your child so easily out of his mind

I think it's good that he finally apologised, but his solution is not going to last. If he can install a net nanny, he can uninstall it right? If he is unable to control his behaviour then he needs therapy, and/or SAA.

You can't be held responsible for his quitting, he must take the responsibility, and I'm pretty sure he's long past the point of being able to quit it alone. The way he set it up really does make you responsible doesn't it? That's not a fair burden for anyone, never mind the exhausted mother of a newborn. You have far more important things to do than policing his sexual dysfunction.

You wouldn't expect an alcoholic to quit just because you threw out the booze and accompany him to the pub. He'll find another way to feed the addiction, that's what addicts do. Alcoholics will hide booze about the house. He'll end up going to net cafes, using friends and work internet access, phoning sex phonelines, casual sex hookups in bars, prostitutes.

He needs help. He needs to take responsibility for getting that help. He needs to care for you and your babe, not burden you.

You need to be able to concentrate on you and your baby. You need time to bond and rest. You will not get that until this changes. I still don't see any evidence change, just more manipulation.

I'm not suggesting this casually, I know it'll be a massive upheaval, but you need to get out or kick him out until he can man up to what he's done and get meaningful help.

I'll be honest, I'm concerned about you developing PND from this. Your ONLY priority right now should be settling into new motherhood, he is only going to harm and distract from that. This disruption may well affect this vital bonding period, and you and your DD do not need that right now.

Wow he's certainly got what he wanted. Attention. Get rid of this man-child before your self-esteem goes entirely. If he's bored have a list of jobs ready. Or send him rond here - I need a patio laid. To quote from another thread - 'I hate him and I don't even know him'.

SheWill - we need an update! Hope you are ok xx