DP just walked out on me and our 2 week DD - very long, sorry.

[SheWillBeLoved]

Because I had a moment of hormonal weakness and searched for some of his usernames on a swinging website that I have asked him to leave before.

He joined again, 3 months ago, claiming to be single and looking to meet with women. Full profile completed, complete with pictures of his knob in all of it's glory. Pictures to women sent, with said pictures attached. Messages on the forum asking if anybody needs a lift to a swinging club that night.

After much screaming and crying I finally got out of him that he did it 'because he was bored and likes attention'. And that me or the baby never got a second thought when he was logging in/out/sending messages - it was just something he did and when he did it, nothing else was in his head, and when he had finished, he completely forgets about it so therefore didn't think to mention it to me. Also claims he was just looking for a friend on there who he originally met on this site, because he 'just likes to talk to her, it has never been sexual'.

This isn't the first time I've known him to be on these sites. I just fail to see how he honestly could not have thought about me and how much it hurt me the last time(s), when he was signing up with a different name again, and sending messages to local women. He claims he hasn't been back on the site since the night he made the new profile 3 months ago.

He swears on our babies life that he hasn't met anybody from these sites, but he has been to a swingers party where he just watched, not sure if he said that was before we were together, or when we had split for 6 months a couple of years ago due to similar problems.

He now says that he doesn't trust me at all because I checked up on him. And I obviously don't trust him (wonder why) because I checked up on him. He's packed his clothes, smashed his phone against the wall because somebody kept calling, and has now left. No way of getting hold of him, until he decides he wants to see his daughter and knocks on my door (he's taken his house keys off his set).

I feel so foolish. I have always known that he likes attention, but the extent he goes to just to get it is just unreal. He doesn't like porn, and so this is the next best thing as 'it's more exciting as you know the person is real'.

Is it my fault? Have I made it okay for him to do this by forgiving him so readily in the past? I helped him pack his clothes this time, and part of me wants it to be over because I can't keep on doing this to myself, or our daughter now. But I want it to not be over so bad. Our relationship has been amazing since our daughter arrived, both agreeing we felt so much closer. And now it's gone, and i'm sat here watching her sleep in her crib and feeling like i've let her down so badly.

What do I do? I know what people are going to say. Just hoping to soak in some strength from any words somebody may have.

How are things today SWBL?
Hope you are ok - sometimes the day after something like this is the worst x

If HE didn't want a monogamous relationship then HE should never have got into one and fathered a child.
"It's not my fault, it's just the way I am" - isn't that the excuse paedophiles use too?
He doesn't deserve a beatiful family if he wants to behave like a tosser.
What a hideous, vile "man".

Decent, secure men with self respect and commmitment to their partner DO NOT do this type of thing, ever.

Things are.. strange. He's still here, but purely to help with DD as i'm exhausted right now, physically and emotionally. His mum and sister came here last night, and basically told him to sort himself out and that he's an idiot for walking out on his daughter. Think it just went in one ear and out the other.

We had a talk for over 2 hours after they left. He said he can't and won't apologise, as he really doesn't think he has done anything wrong. He seems to think he has some sort of split personality, as he 'completely zones out and doesn't think of what he is doing' when he comes across these sites. It's purely down to boredom. It's a chain of events. He'll play Football Manager, then he will log onto a random forum he goes on, then he'll somehow see nakedness, then he'll look at porn, and then as it does nothing for him as it's too fake, he'll log onto a website were he can talk to real women. But he isn't consciously aware that he is doing it, otherwise he wouldn't do it. Once he logs off, he completely forgets what he has done, and doesn't give the site or women on it a second thought. He says he hasn't been 'bored enough' to get himself into the position of following that chain of events since the night he made that new profile 3 months ago. It isn't something he does daily.

He still maintains that he can't trust me. He still thinks that it's all my fault as I snoop(ed), an have in the past. Fails to see that he has given me reason to snoop in the past, I didn't do it on a whim with no reason to.

So I guess that's it. I don't have the energy to argue with him, even hate him. I just have to get on with concentrating on our daughter and moving on.

I'm thinking of letting him read this thread. Good idea or bad? I can see him throwing a hissy fit because I've discussed everything in detail on here, as well as telling his family. But I want him to see that just because he thinks it's okay to do what he's done - it really isn't. No one else would ever think that it is.. besides him.

Malificence: while I do not think this man's behaviour is admirable or ethical (he should have the guts to say to the OP that he doesn't want to be in the relationship, leave the house and make fair arrangements for child support and access, end of.) I do rather wonder if it wasn;t so much a matter of him deciding to father a child with the OP as the OP's preganncy occurring (possibly not-entirely-accidentally on her part as another desperate attempt to 'keep' him) and everyone telling him that he should get on with settling down, and him being too gutless and lazy to stand firm about his reluctance to be with the OP and insist on working out a fair and amiable co-parent arrangement.

Good idea. Tell him from me he's a selfish arse.

SGB - I never got pregnant to keep him. This baby was very much wanted by both of us, after a MMC 2 years ago. He was told he could never have children 11 years ago, and now we have a beautiful daughter who I know he adores. He isn't the type of person to do what people tell him to, quite the opposite. If he feels like he is being forced to do something, he won't do it. He has always made it clear that if he didn't want to be with me - he wouldn't be. He just can't seem to resist his little online vice whilst being with me, which is just not going to work.

Of course you're exhausted, you poor thing. You've just given birth, discovered your OH is a completely selfish tosser who just can't see right from wrong and who can't/won't apologise - get yourself and your DD out of there as soon as.....

Tell him from me that he really, really doesn't deserve you or your DD.

Would anyone buy the "I can't apologise for doing something which I wasn't aware that I was doing" line?

I said yesterday that it was scary how much he seemed to believe that, and after much discussion last night - he's sticking by that. It seems when he is at the level of boredom he needs to be at to go on these sites, he doesn't think of anything, so therefore doesn't know he's doing it. That's why he won't apologise. He asked if I would make somebody who had been diagnosed with split personality disorder apologise for something that their other 'personality' had done. I told him to go and get diagnosed and then ask me again.

Is it honestly possible to not think at all when it comes to certain things? In his case, finding himself on a swinging website, posting pictures of his knob and messaging local random women.

He is talking bollocks though i will give him credit for trying.

Again he is playing you.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Sorry, but what a loads of BIG FAT SMELLY HAIRY BOLLOCKS.

There really are better men out there - like 99.5% of them. Can't quite believe the tosspottery of his excuses and then to have the brass neck to blame you for snooping is vile. Please free yourself from this inadequate and build a happier life for yourself and dd - you are both worth so much more.

"Would anyone buy the "I can't apologise for doing something which I wasn't aware that I was doing" line?"

Absolutely not! What a load of bullshit - he wasn't aware of what he was doing - does he have a mental illness? No, thought not. I'd laugh in his face if I were you.

Show him the post - do you really care if he has one of his pathetic schoolboy hissy fits?

I am dumbfounded as to what sort of a father this man will become...............

I'm going to offer to let him read this now whilst I go and get a shower and get ready to go our for a meal with my sisters He'll probably decline, but then he'll change his mind and look. No doubt I'll get bollocks when I'm back from the shower, and be told that he didn't say what I have said he did etc. But I need him to read this. And see that I'm not insane for snooping, I'm not insane for reacting the way I did, I did what every sane, level headed woman would do when put in the position I have been put in so many times during our relationship.

Thanks again for the support ladies. Really am feeling quite positive today, and feeling reassured that I'm not a hormonal, snooping nutcase not worthy of anybodies trust.

SWBL - did you manage to get time to read the thread that Reality started - it really is quite inspirational.

Blondissimo - I did, and it's bookmarked it made the world of difference yesterday. Read it again this morning, and I'm sure it will get many more reads over the next few weeks.

He knows all this though. I think you want him to admit it, which seems unlikely as it's far more conveniant to blame you for everyhting.

I am still trying to work out what he'll come up with next..."Er, I was just walking down the street, and my penis accidentally slipped into this woman. But I hardly remember it really, it was practically an accident, you can't hold me responsible, it was my evil twin, waaaaaaaaah" etc etc

FFS!

SheWillBeLoved, first of all I want to say how sorry I am you are going through this. How utterly, utterly awful.

I am worried that with everything going on you are going to really struggle to find the strength necessary to end this relationship, which is what you need to do unless you are prepared to find some way of living with his behaviour and the lies that go with it. I think you need to change tactics here in order to ensure your own mental health.

Ultimately, the argument about whether or not he is wrong is a red herring. As is the discussion about whether or not you and DD enter his head while he is behaving like this. Even if he was in the right and was telling the truth (which I personally do not believe) the point is that you find it unacceptable. You have told him that you find it unacceptable and he has chosen to continue. That's his right. He may argue that your 'ultimatum' is a form of bullying (be prepared for him to level that accusation at you at some point in the not-too-distant future) and that he will not allow you to bully him. That's his right too. Your right is to say "ok fine, your choice - my choice is to end the relationship in that case. That's how important it is to me."

Don't get sucked into the "I'm right, you're wrong" argument with him. It will serve no purpose other than to feed your distress and exhaustion and could ultimately create an extremely bad relationship between you and your DD's father that your DD would no doubt pick up on. By not getting drawn into this you have more chance of creating a co-parenting relationship that is civil and hopefully friendly in the long run.

If it's any consolation, I left my XP with 4-month-old twins with only the clothes on my back and it was one of the best things I've ever done in my life. I have a wonderful relationship with the DC now and I can honestly say that being a single parent is far easier than bringing up a child in a deeply unhappy, dysfunctional relationship. Do not let fear of the unknown, worry about how you'll cope, and fear about other people's opinions prevent you from doing what's right from DD. Ultimately, I think you'll be very pleasantly surprised to discover how much easier life is and how supportive other people will be.

Keep going and hold your head high. You've done nothing wrong here.

SheWill - enjoy your shower and your meal

MrSheWill - what kind of a pathetic excuse for a man are you? Walking out on a job the week before your daughter's born? Being so bored that you can photograph and publish your dick on the www without 'noticing'?

MrSheWill, for example, is a twat.

He read it. He thinks I have twisted everything said to my advantage by only posting snippets of conversations and mini quotes of what he has said.

According to him, I've asked for advice on a website full of "man hating, bitter women".

He said "It doesn't even matter because I'm scum, a wanker, a tosser, a cheat... so you go on and live your life the right way an I'll be in the wrong" - or words to that effect. He has now gone out.

I haven't had a shower yet, I sat and watched him read it. He was expressionless the whole way through, besides the odd stifled laugh or smirk at something he obviously found ridiculous.

Or rang true because he is playing you, and tbh i don't think my DP finds me a man hater at all.

Are you sticking by him?

I love men. Real men. Not nobboid excuses for men, which is what he clearly is.

Waaaaah!!!!! Of course, we're all man haters on here, didn't you know????

Tosspot.

Get yourself out of there - you're on a losing wicket.

Actually, read Moll's post about her ex... makes for very interesting reading.

I'm with BoF - give me a real (quiche-eating) man any day

Well tell him from me, I'm neither bitter nor a man hater - I've been happily married to a wonderful, caring MAN for nearly 25 years.
He doesn't chat up random women on the net, send people pictures of his knob, look at internet porn or make pathetic excuses to justify his vile behaviour.
Normal, well adjusted men, DO NOT do this!
They are supportive and caring, especially when you've just given birth to their child.
If he has some sort of personality disorder, (other than being a manipulative twat), he needs psychological assessment and therapy.
How can he be a good father if he has no respect for you, his precious daughter's mother?