DP just walked out on me and our 2 week DD - very long, sorry.

[SheWillBeLoved]

Because I had a moment of hormonal weakness and searched for some of his usernames on a swinging website that I have asked him to leave before.

He joined again, 3 months ago, claiming to be single and looking to meet with women. Full profile completed, complete with pictures of his knob in all of it's glory. Pictures to women sent, with said pictures attached. Messages on the forum asking if anybody needs a lift to a swinging club that night.

After much screaming and crying I finally got out of him that he did it 'because he was bored and likes attention'. And that me or the baby never got a second thought when he was logging in/out/sending messages - it was just something he did and when he did it, nothing else was in his head, and when he had finished, he completely forgets about it so therefore didn't think to mention it to me. Also claims he was just looking for a friend on there who he originally met on this site, because he 'just likes to talk to her, it has never been sexual'.

This isn't the first time I've known him to be on these sites. I just fail to see how he honestly could not have thought about me and how much it hurt me the last time(s), when he was signing up with a different name again, and sending messages to local women. He claims he hasn't been back on the site since the night he made the new profile 3 months ago.

He swears on our babies life that he hasn't met anybody from these sites, but he has been to a swingers party where he just watched, not sure if he said that was before we were together, or when we had split for 6 months a couple of years ago due to similar problems.

He now says that he doesn't trust me at all because I checked up on him. And I obviously don't trust him (wonder why) because I checked up on him. He's packed his clothes, smashed his phone against the wall because somebody kept calling, and has now left. No way of getting hold of him, until he decides he wants to see his daughter and knocks on my door (he's taken his house keys off his set).

I feel so foolish. I have always known that he likes attention, but the extent he goes to just to get it is just unreal. He doesn't like porn, and so this is the next best thing as 'it's more exciting as you know the person is real'.

Is it my fault? Have I made it okay for him to do this by forgiving him so readily in the past? I helped him pack his clothes this time, and part of me wants it to be over because I can't keep on doing this to myself, or our daughter now. But I want it to not be over so bad. Our relationship has been amazing since our daughter arrived, both agreeing we felt so much closer. And now it's gone, and i'm sat here watching her sleep in her crib and feeling like i've let her down so badly.

What do I do? I know what people are going to say. Just hoping to soak in some strength from any words somebody may have.

While he was bored and logging on, he could have been washing, shopping, making dinners, writing thank you notes...............

all stuff you'll have to do, on top of having a new baby.

whether he's an arse or not, (and I think he is) what you should focus on is that life can ONLY be easier without him.

And I'm sorry to say, that if his mum and sister TELL him he has to stay with you, then that's worthless and pointless.

Let him go and throw his case out after him.

I feel really bad for you b/c he's so clearly not going to change his behaviour. This is how he is going to behave. You need to accept that fact. Whether you accept it and keep living with him is your choice. I couldn't, I would have his bags packed and outside the door in a second but that's just me.

What is the reason to stay with this man? Seriously. Can you live with that behaviour. The rationalisation for it (he can't remember what he's done) is nonsense, I can hardly believe he thought it worth the breath to say it. But even if you take it at face value (he can't remember), can you live with that...? B/c that's what it's come down to...

"According to him, I've asked for advice on a website full of "man hating, bitter women".

, where does he get his information from? I'm sure if you did a straw poll of all the mners you would find that the majority are happily married and love their dh's to bits.

Only scumbags like MrSheWill do we hate !

He is saying this because he is trying to deflect the blame and make you think we are wrong. I really think he would struggle to find anyone (man or woman) that would side with him.

Hope you are coping ok with your dd through all of this - I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you with the sleepless nights and this. Take all the help you can xx

Im not a man hater either, I just hate men that behave like spoilt little boys and want to have everything...

Get rid of him. He isn't worth wasting any more time or trouble on.

I'm sorry he's too stupid and selfish to appreciate what he's got and I'm very sorry for you and your little DD that you have this useless deadbeat on your hands.

And I'm happily married to a lovely man I've been with for two decades.

That's what my x used to say to. But why he presumed that all women's default mode was bitter and man-hating I don't know!

Anyway, don't enter into too much debate about who violated whose trust more. HE knows.

And I'm not a man-hater either, I don't even hate my x anymore. I think I was unlucky and picked a wrong un and I still believe that most men are good (and I've been through a lot!)

he is such a liar and really quite stupid. to thikn you would buy the ' i did not realise i was doing it"

what, he accidentally took a picture of his dick and arranged to meet up with other women????

i am not a bitter man hater, but i am really not fond of men who cheat , decieve and lie to their partners and can't be man enough to front up and do the decent thing

yeah, tell him, do you know what, it's happened to LOADS of mumsnetters! only last tuesday I took a picture of my lula and posted it on a swinging site. By accident. He is not alone. The poor love.

shewill
so sorry you have discovered what you are living with.
If you have the strength to do it now, pack a bag for him and tell him you want him for a week for you both to think things through and then get you sisters to come stay with you.

SheWill

You really are wasting your energy trying to understand. You will never interpret his behaviour. Stop trying, it will fuck with your head.

He will never admit he was wrong

Or perhaps he will if he realises you are serious that your relationship is over, but he won't mean it, it will be meaningless, cos the next time he is "bored" he will start posting his cock on websites again

Please finish this. I feel he will keep you hanging, hoping he will "come to his senses" and you will try to change him. You will enlist others to try and persuade him that his best course of action is to stop sleazing and be a family man. He will not do this. He wants to be a "player", a "cock on the web".

Please tell me where you live, so I can come round and punch his fucking lights out. That is how much this pillock is winding me up.

Honestly love, if you stay with him, you are crazy (and actually, fucking stupid)

Anyfucker is right: don't waste your time trying to understand or work out a sure way of making him stop doing it. There is no such thing. You have one very simple choice - you either accept that he is going to have sex with other people whenever he fancies doing so, or you end the couple-relationship and get to work on building a functional co-parent relationship between the two of you. Whatever the past history, you cannot make this work as a monogamous, equal, fair, ethical relationship.
While you exhaust yourself suggesting counselling, offering more sex, trying to get him to talk about his feelings or whatever, he is sitting pretty: he gets his meals cooked and his washing done and all he has to do to make you scurry around like mad indulging his every whim, is to hint that he might like sex with someone else again.

sgb, you are spot-on

How are you feeling now SheWill? Hope you're getting some rest (or just enjoying newborn smell - yum)

Just came across this, and it was like reading my own story of a few years ago. I was with a guy who did this kind of thing,(exchanging filthy emails with strangers on chatlines, cruising dating sites using false identities,etc) and although he was distraught when I found out, and threatened to leave him - I could tell he was not really sorry. (He was just sorry he got caught!) He always said he had 'no intention' of meeting any of these women (I actually believe that - he was too fat and lazy to do it!)When pressed,he just said he was 'bored', and 'enjoyed the anonymity' and the 'free thrills'.We limped on for a while, but all trust was gone (I felt ill every time he disappeared upstairs onto the computer..) and I knew he was still doing it. I think they become addicted to this fantasy, 'other life', wherein they can pretend to be somebody they aren't - free, single, younger, thinner than they are - and they don't see that what they are doing is dishonest, shitty, hurtful and seedy. (Interestingly, my ex was later diagnosed as having 'Borderline Personality Disorder'...someone with a very hazy sense of self, and who did not accept personal responsibility for hurting other people.... Please, please - bin him! He isn't going to change, and can't give you and your DD what you both need.

I love men.
I really dont like this one though. What a complete waste of humanity.
Shewill. Please leave him. Pack up your stuff and go and stay with the nearest person who has room for you.
Your DD deserves to grow up in a secure and loving enviroment. Not one in which her father thinks it is acceptable to take pictures of his penis and broadcast it across the web.

He doesnt love you and surely that is more important than anything else he has to say!!!!!!!
Stay strong. It is his problem not yours.

mine was saying he was 'stiff bored'

SWBL he's a sex addict deep, deep in denial. I'm not trying to be flippant, the way he describes his online behaviour, especially the way he zones out when visiting these sites, is VERY indicative. Check out SAA for further info.

SheWill - hope you are ok. Is he still at the house? Please let us know how things are when you get a minute - difficult with a newborn I know x

He's still here. He was watching DD last night/this morning as I went out for a meal/drink last night, and almost a year of not drinking hit me hard lucky I had a stash of EBM

Going to type a long story now, it's stupid and pathetic but wound me up so much and completely ruined my night when I got home.

I got in last night, DD was asleep, so I sat down on the couch with my laptop and went online. I got talking to an old, once quite close (not in that way) male friend on MSN. Ex DP has never liked him, as he seems to think that any male friend I have wants to be with me. And I'll admit that this friend has expressed interest in the past when we first met, but has been firmly told that nothing will ever happen and I am not interested in that way.

So ex DP notices a chat window open, asks who I'm talking to - I tell him. He then starts saying "Ah, as soon as we have a problem you're talking to him, is he being a nice shoulder to cry on?" etc etc. Asked when I had last talked to him, I told him a week ago because I was bragging about our DD. He then very calmly flies off the handle, asking why I didn't tell him that I had talked to him when I know that he isn't comfortable with him. Basically saying that I have no right to have a go at him for doing something that I have asked him not to do (swinging sites) - when I am talking to people who he is not comfortable with, but has never directly asked me to not talk to. If he had asked me, he knows I would stop and he has said this. Not because I allow him to control me, but because I have/had respect for his feelings as my partner, and they were more important than some random bloke on my MSN.

I told him he can't compare sending pictures of his knob and claiming he was single on a swinging website, to me bragging about our family to a random bloke who lives hundreds of miles away on MSN. He seems to think he can. Everything is very black and white with him. It's just a case of 'pot, kettle, black' as he said.

Is that right? He's making me doubt everything. Can the two be compared? He believes so strongly that I am just as bad as him now, so much so that he was going to register on this site and give his side of events and tell the story I just have so that you would all see his point of view.

So exhausted with everything. Is it just a case of him projecting the blame onto me, or does he have a point?

I've been lurking on you're thread but this last post has really annoyed me.

He doesn't have a point, he's playing head games with you. Of course the two things aren't the same. He's just happen to have found a weakness and is exploiting it in the hope of distracting you from what he has done.

Stay strong.

Sorry, but he's messing with your head. It's not the same at all - he's looking for an excuse to pass the buck.

What dutchmanswife says is very very true....

Like dutchmanswife I've been lurking this thread, and had to come out and saysomething here.

He is seriously taking the ps. Your two actions are not the same. Not in the slightest!

He was posting pics of his knob on the www, saying he is single, asking to meet up and organising lifts to swingers clubs.

You were telling an old friend about your newborn daughter.

Seriously. Do not let this man make you doubt yourself. He is wrong. He should not be doing this to you. You deserve much better.

He's a typical manipulator, Don't let him convince you that YOU have a problem - this is ALL down to him and he knows it, unless he's SO delusional he's past the point of sanity!
Does the fact that not one single respondent has sided with him not registered, even slightly? Of course not, we're all bitter angry women with an agenda against the male race, despite loving our husbands deeply.
Do you want your daughter growing up with a man with zero respect for you ( or any woman)?

There is NO comparison. Is there a single word that comes out of this creature's mouth that isn't bull*t?

This is such an unhealthy relationship. Do you want your lovely little DD to grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat women?

The fact that you can even consider he could be right on this shows how much he has warped your perception of yourself already.

You have a choice. You can get out and work towards building a good, sane, healthy life with your DD, or you can stick with this useless waste of space and lose every shred of self-esteem you ever possessed. And you can watch him treat your DD as a second-classs citizen too.

Then, when he's reduced you to a gibbering wreck, he'll be off with the next person he can parasitise on.

I know it's hard, I know it's terrible timing, but reading this thread is like watching someone being pushed off a cliff in slow motion.

How long are you going to put up with this?? another week? a month? a year? the rest of your life?

Sounds fun.

Again this isn't your fault he is projecting onto you, if he can find something to make you feel shit he will, if he can compare showing his dick off to strangers to you talking to and old friend there really is no hope.