Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

DP just walked out on me and our 2 week DD - very long, sorry.

164 replies

SheWillBeLoved · 12/08/2009 15:46

Because I had a moment of hormonal weakness and searched for some of his usernames on a swinging website that I have asked him to leave before.

He joined again, 3 months ago, claiming to be single and looking to meet with women. Full profile completed, complete with pictures of his knob in all of it's glory. Pictures to women sent, with said pictures attached. Messages on the forum asking if anybody needs a lift to a swinging club that night.

After much screaming and crying I finally got out of him that he did it 'because he was bored and likes attention'. And that me or the baby never got a second thought when he was logging in/out/sending messages - it was just something he did and when he did it, nothing else was in his head, and when he had finished, he completely forgets about it so therefore didn't think to mention it to me. Also claims he was just looking for a friend on there who he originally met on this site, because he 'just likes to talk to her, it has never been sexual'.

This isn't the first time I've known him to be on these sites. I just fail to see how he honestly could not have thought about me and how much it hurt me the last time(s), when he was signing up with a different name again, and sending messages to local women. He claims he hasn't been back on the site since the night he made the new profile 3 months ago.

He swears on our babies life that he hasn't met anybody from these sites, but he has been to a swingers party where he just watched, not sure if he said that was before we were together, or when we had split for 6 months a couple of years ago due to similar problems.

He now says that he doesn't trust me at all because I checked up on him. And I obviously don't trust him (wonder why) because I checked up on him. He's packed his clothes, smashed his phone against the wall because somebody kept calling, and has now left. No way of getting hold of him, until he decides he wants to see his daughter and knocks on my door (he's taken his house keys off his set).

I feel so foolish. I have always known that he likes attention, but the extent he goes to just to get it is just unreal. He doesn't like porn, and so this is the next best thing as 'it's more exciting as you know the person is real'.

Is it my fault? Have I made it okay for him to do this by forgiving him so readily in the past? I helped him pack his clothes this time, and part of me wants it to be over because I can't keep on doing this to myself, or our daughter now. But I want it to not be over so bad. Our relationship has been amazing since our daughter arrived, both agreeing we felt so much closer. And now it's gone, and i'm sat here watching her sleep in her crib and feeling like i've let her down so badly.

What do I do? I know what people are going to say. Just hoping to soak in some strength from any words somebody may have.

OP posts:

Original poster

SheWillBeLoved · 12/08/2009 17:10

Do you think some men honestly don't understand when they have done wrong? Or is that just their excuse for not accepting responsibility?

He genuinely seemed to believe that what he had done wasn't wrong. It was quite scary to see. I seem to have done more wrong by snooping 'when I have no reason to' as he was never going to act on what he was saying, it was just all for attention.

Failed to understand that besides what he was saying to these women, just being on the site under a different name when I have asked him to leave it in the past hurt me just as much.

He can't be that stupid can he I so wish he was as naive as to think like that. But he's not. And I know deep down that he knows he has fucked up big time.

I also know deep down that I have done nothing wrong. I shouldn't have snooped, I wish I never did. But he should never have given me reason to. I don't enter into relationships and start snooping around from day 1. You need a reason, and you need to be desperate to do that in my opinion.

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 12/08/2009 17:13

He sounds revolting. Not the sort of man I would want around my daughter. Sorry.

Tamarto · 12/08/2009 17:22

Oh he knows, he's trying to play you.

You are a strong capable woman you nor your daughter need this kind of shit.

Jux · 12/08/2009 17:28

He can't be that stupid can he - no, he's very clever as he has almost convinced you that he really doesn't understand. He does. He knows exactly what he's done. He also knows that if he can get you to believe that he doesn't understand you are far more likely to believe that it's all your fault and you'll get over it and take him back. Prove him wrong.

Now is a 'good' time to split up with him, because you will eventually anyway as he will continue to do this sort of stuff and one day you will kick him out. Doing it now means that your daughter won't be traumatised by it, which she will be in a few years' time.

Keep strong. Remember your moral values as they are the right ones. Take the opportunity he has given you to make a happy life for yourself and your daughter. You will not regret it.

OnlyWantsOne · 12/08/2009 17:34

if he really felt he had done nothing wrong, he'd be at your feet begging you to understand. Not stomped off and left his keys

VinegarTits · 12/08/2009 17:45

You snooped because you don't him, and have every reason not too by the sound of it, what if you hadn't and he had meet up with these women, and had unprotected sex then passed on a STD to you?

Your relationship will never work if there is no trust, and if he had done nothing wrong, he wouldn't be projecting his guilt onto you, he knows he is doing wrong, but trying to manipulate his way out of it

BitOfFun · 12/08/2009 17:52

You don't need this dipshit in your life. I would change the locks.

So sorry he has let you down like this though- you deserve so much better.

OnlyWantsOne · 12/08/2009 17:59

Go and stay with his sister, tell them every thing, Then tomorrow - pick up the pieces, sort it all out. Tell your family. This is not your fault.

and as easy as it is for me to say it - move on

and...

""Our relationship has been amazing since our daughter arrived, both agreeing we felt so much closer""

your DD is two weeks old, two weeks is nothing if he's been doing this for months.

Sorry

nje3006 · 12/08/2009 18:11

I think you did absolutely the right thing telling his mum and his sister. They need to know what kind of person he is.

You snooped b/c you didn't trust him. You were right, he's not trustworthy.

He's completely unrepentant. That to me is a big red flag. If he really can't see what he's done wrong (rather than just being too embarrassed right now to admit it) then you're in for this for the rest of your life. This isn't an emotional affair by a man missing something in his life. This is a sordid attempt for sex by a man missing something in his brain.

Take care of yourself at this time, you don't deserve this at all and no it definitely isn't your fault. This is down to him. And unless he has a complete change of personality very quickly, I think this looks pretty seriously terminal. I'm so sorry to say that b/c you've got such a young baby but this man is not there for you and I'm not sure he realises what he needs to do to change...

Hugs to you...

Original poster

SheWillBeLoved · 12/08/2009 18:16

He is back. He is upstairs registering his new phone he came back, stood in the doorway, and said that he had been trying to think of a way to make this work. He went to get a new phone so that we could talk, but couldn't use it until it was registered.

There just isn't a way, is there? He doesn't respect me. As much as he claimed to earlier by saying "If I didn't respect you I'd have left by now" - he doesn't. Otherwise, he'd be honest with me about his online 'flirtations', and he wouldn't be able to say that he didn't give me a second thought when he was on these sites. I should be the first thing that came to his head whenever he came across a swinging/dating website. He should have thought "SWBL hates me doing this, it has hurt her so much in the past - I won't do it." But he didn't. And he did it. So many times.

Bollocks. I've given so much to him, to our relationship. I fought everyone off when they told me it'd never work. Maybe that's why I'm so reluctant to say to them "It hasn't worked. After 5 years, everything we have been through, even a baby - it hasn't worked, and you were all right."

OP posts:

nje3006 · 12/08/2009 18:21

Yes it's so tough when you think other people are going to say "I told you so". But what would you be doing if you didn't have that fear? If that issue (told you so) didn't exist? Whatever it is, do that. What other people are going to think is the least of your problems.

I'm really sorry to hear that he is still unrepentant - he's trying to find a way to make it work? Seriously? All he has to do is be a decent, trustworthy, faithful, honourable man. That's the way to make it work. Can he do that? Only you know whether you can trust him on that one...

OnlyWantsOne · 12/08/2009 18:22

I still suggest you pack some stuff and go to your SIL... tell him to make arrangements and leave

chickybabe · 12/08/2009 18:31

You have a 2 week old baby, he left after smashing up his phone, he knows you are hurt/scared and angry, and what does he do......buys a new phone???? with internet connection I wonder????

I wouldn't normally say this so bluntly, but considering you've already had so many problems and your DD is young enough to not know any different....GET RID....you deserve so much more (but if you decide to go the other way we're all still here

Northernlurker · 12/08/2009 18:32

Finding a way to make it work is his way of saying he wants to find a way to con you into keeping the relationship going whilst he does what the hell he pleases.

If you let him stay with you - how many times do you think you will be having this conversation over the next 40 years? THe chances are this won't be a one off - can you bear to do this over and over?

ideasplz · 12/08/2009 18:37

sorry for you shewillbeloved.
i just read a thread named: Right, listen up everybody.
sorry i cant do link now. but read that one, it can help you.
best wishes.

VinegarTits · 12/08/2009 18:38

I would suggest you tell him to leave again and think long and hard about his actions, then when he is ready to take responsibility for them, then maybe, just maybe, you can talk, i wouldn't have even let him back into the house, he thinks he can talk his way out of it and walk straight back into your life

His little plan of leaving of his own will, in the hope you would beg him to stay, has now back fired, so he will try other ways to turn it around to put the blame on you, remember YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME, tell him you don't trust him (his fault, not yours) and you want him out of your house, if you let him back now, he will think your a walk over, and he will be right.

Call your sil if you need back up to get him out

VinegarTits · 12/08/2009 18:49

I think ideaspiz is talking about this thread, please read it shewillbeloved, and remember, you have done nothing wrong

NormaSknockers · 12/08/2009 18:51

Don't let him walk all over you or make you think this is your fault or that what he did was ok.

He lied, he signed up to a site claiming to be single....men like that are not worth having in your life. You deserve better & so does your teeny DD. I would still go to your SILs you need some TLC & lots of hugs. Go, pack a bag & go & tell him he either owns up to being a complete prick & changes his ways or it's over. There is no shame in ending a relationship that is making you unhappy, you deserve better. Don't be ashamed to tell your family, I'm sure none of them will be saying 'I told you so' they'll be wanting to make sure you & your DD are ok.

Thinking of you at this difficult time.

BitOfFun · 12/08/2009 18:51

Here is that thread

BitOfFun · 12/08/2009 18:52

Required reading Vinny, I'm sure you'll agree!

bramblebooks · 12/08/2009 19:10

You have done nothing wrong. I'm as concerned about his anger issues as I am about his control and his sexual 'issues'. Having your child grow up in this atmosphere would not be what she would need.

Good luck with your future. Enjoy your baby and stay strong where he is concerned.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2009 19:13

Dear God, I (almost) have no words.....

This dirty bastard is going to drag you down if you let him. It doesn't matter if you feel embarassed because people will say "we told you so..."

Better they say that now. Because if you take this man back, he will continue to disrespect you and your dd. He is a liar and is suffering from some sort of impulsive sex addiction (no excuses at all for this). He is clever though, and appears to know which of your buttons to press to weasel his way back.

He has continued to be a skank, knowingly against your wishes because he feels entitled to do it. He doesn't care about you, it's all about him. Attention-seeking fuckwit, what is he? Three years old?

I think you should get checked out at the GUM clinic.

I can say this hand on heart, and I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but if you take him back, you are a mug.

Morloth · 12/08/2009 19:14

Change the locks and call a lawyer.

Man is a complete and utter twat - you (and by extension your DD) will be much happier and better off without him.

What a fucking wanker! He can't trust you? Snort.

VinegarTits · 12/08/2009 19:17

I just hope she is off reading the other thread or gone to her sil, and not stood there listening to his pathetic, twisted, bullcrap

I bet he tells you its your fault because you are not loving/affectionate/attentive enough, i know his type, he will not admit blame for this

Original poster

SheWillBeLoved · 12/08/2009 19:20

He's sat on the sofa, in silence, playing with his phone. I feel like bouncing that one off his head.

I can't even look at him, I almost want to physically wretch whenever I do.

The stupid, stupid bastard he had it all, he really did. Things weren't perfect but I gave him everything he said he ever wanted, including our daughter. And all I get in return is a partner who can't resist sending smutty messages and pictures to strangers on the internet.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7