DP just walked out on me and our 2 week DD - very long, sorry.

[SheWillBeLoved]

Because I had a moment of hormonal weakness and searched for some of his usernames on a swinging website that I have asked him to leave before.

He joined again, 3 months ago, claiming to be single and looking to meet with women. Full profile completed, complete with pictures of his knob in all of it's glory. Pictures to women sent, with said pictures attached. Messages on the forum asking if anybody needs a lift to a swinging club that night.

After much screaming and crying I finally got out of him that he did it 'because he was bored and likes attention'. And that me or the baby never got a second thought when he was logging in/out/sending messages - it was just something he did and when he did it, nothing else was in his head, and when he had finished, he completely forgets about it so therefore didn't think to mention it to me. Also claims he was just looking for a friend on there who he originally met on this site, because he 'just likes to talk to her, it has never been sexual'.

This isn't the first time I've known him to be on these sites. I just fail to see how he honestly could not have thought about me and how much it hurt me the last time(s), when he was signing up with a different name again, and sending messages to local women. He claims he hasn't been back on the site since the night he made the new profile 3 months ago.

He swears on our babies life that he hasn't met anybody from these sites, but he has been to a swingers party where he just watched, not sure if he said that was before we were together, or when we had split for 6 months a couple of years ago due to similar problems.

He now says that he doesn't trust me at all because I checked up on him. And I obviously don't trust him (wonder why) because I checked up on him. He's packed his clothes, smashed his phone against the wall because somebody kept calling, and has now left. No way of getting hold of him, until he decides he wants to see his daughter and knocks on my door (he's taken his house keys off his set).

I feel so foolish. I have always known that he likes attention, but the extent he goes to just to get it is just unreal. He doesn't like porn, and so this is the next best thing as 'it's more exciting as you know the person is real'.

Is it my fault? Have I made it okay for him to do this by forgiving him so readily in the past? I helped him pack his clothes this time, and part of me wants it to be over because I can't keep on doing this to myself, or our daughter now. But I want it to not be over so bad. Our relationship has been amazing since our daughter arrived, both agreeing we felt so much closer. And now it's gone, and i'm sat here watching her sleep in her crib and feeling like i've let her down so badly.

What do I do? I know what people are going to say. Just hoping to soak in some strength from any words somebody may have.

No, he doesn't have a point - he is trying to make this all your fault so that you are apologetic and he can worm his way around you. How pathetic (him, not you). And you've done nothing secretly, or underhand.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and with such a young DD too. The other posters are right, get this sorted now while she's too young to know any different. When she's older he'll be able to twist things and have the same effect on her (I know someone in this situation sadly).

get rid of him please... FFS what starts off being this will probably gaed knows what in a years time

so he's not making an effort to try and sort things then? And still thinks he did nothing wrong?

Tell him to fuck off, find a job and to start providing, he's not 17 and to grow the fuck up and come back when he has.

Sorru Ive had very little sleep and I am not truning into a cross mess...

"I told him he can't compare sending pictures of his knob and claiming he was single on a swinging website, to me bragging about our family to a random bloke who lives hundreds of miles away on MSN."

He's minimising, trying to shift the blame, just like any addict. Addicts still in the throes of their addiction wont take responsibility for their actions and will try to find reason why it's someone else's fault, that someone else is to blame for their behaviour.

His telling you off was laughable, he's still looking for a way to blame you for his actions.

You were quite right in what you said to him.

If I were you, and he wont leave, I'd move in with relatives until he's ready to address his behaviour in therapy or in a twelve step group. Right now you need to focus on you and your babe, not him and his selfish asshole narcissist behaviour.

And, no, I'm not a man hater. But I do have a LOT of experience with addicts.

Dizietsma - I have just made him do the Sex Addict test, this is what it came up with -

· Loss of control: inability to stop behavior despite commitments to self and others and despite problems caused by behavior
· Relationship disturbance: sexual behavior has created significant relationship problems
· Affect disturbance: significant depression, despair, or anxiety over sexual behavior

Pretty spot on. He also got Level 10 out of a possible Level 20.

friend of a friend's H did this , swinging/dating sites. pics of his dick. said it was nothing, just felt neglected, blah blah blah. he left her for a woman he met via the web.

he cannot compare talking to an old friend with what he has done.

please stay strong and don't let him bully you

for christs sake, you have a tiny baby, he should be crawling over broken glass to make this right, not shifting the blame onto you

Please, please, please don't let him use: "I am a Sex Addict,I can't help it," as a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card.

You need to get out now. If you won't do it for your own sake, do it for your DD.

there is help for addicts. so it is not an excuse, he needs to grow a pair and get some help.

Agree with most other posters I'm afraid, this sounds like one to get rid of. I think because of what he's like you may have ended up with pretty low expectations of a partner. Putting pictures of his knob on swinging websites and then blaming you for "not trusting him" () is just off-the-scale unacceptable - but I'm also thinking wtf was he doing on the computer ANYWAY when you have a newborn? When my DS was that age, my DP spent every evening pacing up and down soothing him while I tried to get some rest, and that's when he wasn't cooking, doing the washing, being sent out for more babygros or dealing with visitors.

You can and will have so, so much more happiness than this twonk could ever bring and it's fab that his family are on your side. None of this is your fault and you really must not perpetuate it just because you feel like a fool for getting this far. That would be throwing your life away.

Lulu - I know. I wish so badly that it hurts that he could turn to me and say "I did wrong, but I want to make our family work and i'll do whatever it takes".

But he won't. He never will. Because he still maintains that he has done no wrong. He still says that he doesn't realize what he is doing or has done once he logs off - and so how can he apologize for that.

I know it's just an online test and not the opinion of a qualified psychologist, but he just laughed and whooped at being classed as a 'sex addict'.

I'd be tempted to send the swinging site profile and a copy of your chat transcript to this bloke to DPs mum, and let her decide what's worse. I be interested to see how he'd talk his way out of that one, it being so innocent and everything.

I also agree that the 'sex addict' title will just be used as a free pass to act how he likes. Tell him firmly that you cannot be in a relationship with someone with such a disorder, it is not conjusive to a happy relationship. He either needs to get treatment or get out. And for the short term at least, probably both.

shewillbeloved Im really concerned that he will think of he keeps blaming you, that you will put up / shut up with it, and that will give him the ability to go on and do other stuff...

So, he disconects with himself enough to post a picture of his cock on the net? How about him posting his cock into another woman?

Be strong for the sake of your DD - he sounds like a bastard

SWBL - so sorry you're going through this shit - you must be so knackered anyway and with this as well...

You should point out that he has contadicted himself. His argument is that because his online antics don't mean anything to him they shouldn't mean anything to you. Therefore, by his reasoning, the fact that your online chat means nothing to you it shouldn't affect him iyswim. He can't have it both ways.

If he realises that what you do has the capacity to hurt him, then he should realise that you can be hurt by his actions.

Lulu - I know. I wish so badly that it hurts that he could turn to me and say "I did wrong, but I want to make our family work and i'll do whatever it takes". You can wish all you like - but it's not going to change anything

But he won't. He never will. Because he still maintains that he has done no wrong. He still says that he doesn't realize what he is doing or has done once he logs off - and so how can he apologize for that. He's lying....

I know it's just an online test and not the opinion of a qualified psychologist, but he just laughed and whooped at being classed as a 'sex addict'. He whooped????? How absolutely bloody pathetic can you be?

But the thing is - what are you going to do about it? Are you going to sit there and be told (and accept) that it's YOUR fault? Because you and the rest of the world know that it isn't. He's making what should be the most wonderful early days with your DD absolutely bloody miserable, and that's not on.....

SheWill - it all boils down to this:

Whether or not he thinks he has done wrong or not is irrelevant.

He has repeatedly upset and humiliated you and for that he should apologise.

I cannot believe that he is not bending over backwards to make this right. Is he not concerned that if you split up he may only see his dd occasionally? Does he not realise that if you leave him, he has got fuck all chance of meeting another woman who will be as understanding as you?

The longer you stay in the same house together, the more he will try to twist things against you, and think he has "won".

He sounds incredibly manipulative and I'm concerned that you may end up giving in to him.

I have been treated this way by someone - luckily we did not live together, but at the time, all my friends were saying, "get out now", but I was so wrapped up in him that I believed his lies when he stayed out all night and told me he had slept on a park bench ( it was November), etc. He genuinely thought he had the right to do these things - he called me one night from abroad to tell me he had snogged 3 girls - he thought it was funny and that he had done nothing wrong, but that he'd better tell me !! I think the fact that he was away on holiday made it easier at this point to make the decision to split from him - which is why I think it might be an idea for you to tell him to either hop it or take yourself off to some family. It will strengthen you to be apart from him.

Interesting that everyone thinks his being a sex addict is an excuse for his destructive and hurtful behaviour, would all these people think being a alcoholic is an excuse for destructive and hurtful behaviour? I certainly wouldn't. Reasons are not excuses.

I think it indicates that he is psychologically unwell and needs to get help. I also think that means SWBL needs to disengage from him, leave him or kick him out, until he is able to address his behaviour.

I think it's a terrible shame that he seems to think being an addict is a badge of pride, I suppose that is another indication of how unwell he is, and just how far he is from being the kind of partner SWBL deserves.

SWBL- I really think it's time you understand that he will not stop this. He clearly thinks it's funny. This is a very bad sign. How would you feel if he discovered he was an alcoholic and laughed it off? Don't let him shred your self-esteem by emotionally abusing you with his infidelity. Don't wait until he gives you an STI, and/or gets another woman pregnant to get rid.

Get out/kick him out now, let him bottom out on his own. You have a little one to think of, his self-destruction will bring you all low unless you draw the line. You and your little girl deserve better.

what diziestma says

Get out/kick him out now, let him bottom out on his own. You have a little one to think of, his self-destruction will bring you all low unless you draw the line. You and your little girl deserve better.

I had a similar situation earlier this year, although this was the first time i had been aware of it.

my dh of 6 years had been have chat room conversations with lots of people through swinging and extra marital sites. he also went along once to watch some people shagging. i found out and was shocked as it seemed so unlike him. It had been going on for 45 years. the meeting had been when i was 6 months preg with second child. i found that very hurtful as i was struggling at the time.

i have had pnd and started therapy a week after fionding out conincidentally. My wonderful, knowledgeable therapist has suggested I do nothing until I am "stronger", pathetic as it sounds. We have also talked about my husband, and although he can't really be too certain as they have never met, he says this behaviour is often a result of anxiety, int he same way people, drink, drugs, gamble etc..

i don't really have any advice but thought y experience may help. we are still togther, happyish but sex is a bit of a problem as i can't help rereading his mails to the other people.

we do however have 3 small dc and maybe this gives us more reason to stay together. i do love him too, he is a good person who has lost his way a bit. i like wine, he likes chat rooms, but we are good together most of the time.

i do feel for you. it is such a shock. just think a while before doing anything. two weeks post birth is hard at the best of times. wishing you all the best.

4 to 5, i'm quite that old

re the not remembering what he did online...........i bet if he had spent £5000 on ebay he'd remember after he logged off

the fact he made arrangements with women after he logged off means he fully remembers and the denial is staggering

SWBL: he doesn't want to 'make the relationship work'. He's happy enough to have you cooking, cleaning and raising DD but he's not going to exert himself in any way to make you happy or even to not make you unhappy, he simply doesn;t think you are important enough for him to make an effort other than to mutter a few feeble excuses and (I'm afraid) expect you to swallow them because, from his point of view, you are desperate to 'make the relationship work' so you will put up with anything he does as long as he says sorry now and again.
There is no magic potion that can make a person love you, no matter how hard you try. You can either accept him as who and what he is (which I wouldn't recommend in this case as it will pretty much destroy you) or you can call a halt to it. Enlisting his family to tell him to love you and behave himself will not work. The best outcome of that would be that he will be obedient in a resentful fashion for a while then get up to his old tricks again only covering his tracks slightly better.

Quickly updating before DD wakes for her next feed.

He apologized tonight. Said that he wants his family to work more than anything. Promised that he would actively stay away from these websites, and asked me to go on every site he could think of, and request passwords to see if he had an account, and then it was deleted. Insists on installing NetNanny and blocking words like 'swinging/dating' etc, and having only me know the password so he can't take off the block. Said he would put post-its on his monitor, reminding him of me and DD so that if ever he was tempted, he would be reminded of why he shouldn't.

Opinions appreciated. Go on, tell me it's all bullshit

I've no idea what to tell you shewillbeloved. I do know that 2 weeks after having a baby i personally was incapable of making even small decisions, let alone something like this.
So Others will no doubt shout me down but i might well take him up on the password blocking offer to get some breathing space and time to think BUT
i would watch out for the manipulative behaviour and turning things into your fault when they're really his actions. That is the path to abuse by a partner and really can't go on. Dont let this become a habit.
And i might ask him what he would think of his daughter (when she's older obviously) knowing about his behaviour.
I don't hate men either but you need to have a reasonable degree of trust in a relationship for it to work.

And try to enjoy your beautiful new baby - focus on her instead of all this crap.

What the fuck??? He needs a fucking post it on the computer to remind him that he has a wife and child???????????

Oh my god this guy is the biggest fucking arsehole in the entire world!!!!!!!

I wounld need to have a goddamn fucking full lobotomy/brain removal to forget about my family.

I have been following this thread and could not let this one pass. Ok so the guy has a compulsion to look at porn online, not out of the ordinary BUT signing up to online swinging sites and saying you are single then adding photos of your cock. Bullshit!!

He doesn't value you or your relationship, his apologies aren't worth a damn thing either. He is just trying to get you off his back and make life easy for himself.

Another thing that really gets me is that he was bored online... Well here's a suggestion
get a bloody job to fill your time and support your family.

And casting my mind back to the days of having a newborn in the house there was always something to do other than piss about online. Cleaning, laundry, cooking, tidying, shopping and looking after baby so you can have a break.

If my DH pulled any shit like this he would currently be trying to figure out where he was going to live while picking up his clothes from the driveway!!!

Get rid! This will not magically get better no matter what he says. Unless he gets himself some help you will be replaying this script over and over. You will be miserable.

Sorry this is happening to you and apologies for my swearing - this has really pissed me off.

Oh and with regard to passwords and netnanny, I would just smash the bloody computer up or ban him from using it!
Have a password to turn the thing on so only you can use it!!!!