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Original poster

DP just walked out on me and our 2 week DD - very long, sorry.

164 replies

SheWillBeLoved · 12/08/2009 15:46

Because I had a moment of hormonal weakness and searched for some of his usernames on a swinging website that I have asked him to leave before.

He joined again, 3 months ago, claiming to be single and looking to meet with women. Full profile completed, complete with pictures of his knob in all of it's glory. Pictures to women sent, with said pictures attached. Messages on the forum asking if anybody needs a lift to a swinging club that night.

After much screaming and crying I finally got out of him that he did it 'because he was bored and likes attention'. And that me or the baby never got a second thought when he was logging in/out/sending messages - it was just something he did and when he did it, nothing else was in his head, and when he had finished, he completely forgets about it so therefore didn't think to mention it to me. Also claims he was just looking for a friend on there who he originally met on this site, because he 'just likes to talk to her, it has never been sexual'.

This isn't the first time I've known him to be on these sites. I just fail to see how he honestly could not have thought about me and how much it hurt me the last time(s), when he was signing up with a different name again, and sending messages to local women. He claims he hasn't been back on the site since the night he made the new profile 3 months ago.

He swears on our babies life that he hasn't met anybody from these sites, but he has been to a swingers party where he just watched, not sure if he said that was before we were together, or when we had split for 6 months a couple of years ago due to similar problems.

He now says that he doesn't trust me at all because I checked up on him. And I obviously don't trust him (wonder why) because I checked up on him. He's packed his clothes, smashed his phone against the wall because somebody kept calling, and has now left. No way of getting hold of him, until he decides he wants to see his daughter and knocks on my door (he's taken his house keys off his set).

I feel so foolish. I have always known that he likes attention, but the extent he goes to just to get it is just unreal. He doesn't like porn, and so this is the next best thing as 'it's more exciting as you know the person is real'.

Is it my fault? Have I made it okay for him to do this by forgiving him so readily in the past? I helped him pack his clothes this time, and part of me wants it to be over because I can't keep on doing this to myself, or our daughter now. But I want it to not be over so bad. Our relationship has been amazing since our daughter arrived, both agreeing we felt so much closer. And now it's gone, and i'm sat here watching her sleep in her crib and feeling like i've let her down so badly.

What do I do? I know what people are going to say. Just hoping to soak in some strength from any words somebody may have.

OP posts:
Original poster
SheWillBeLoved · 12/08/2009 19:26

And our next door neighbour has taken it upon herself to play depressing Celine Dion love songs through the wall.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 12/08/2009 19:27

Why is he still there? open the front door and say off you fuck

You know he is waiting for you to say sorry for snooping, or for you to say look lets work this out, he hasn't even got the bollocks to make the first move in trying to resolve it, ffs woman tell him to leave, say i'm done talking to you, you can leave now

VinegarTits · 12/08/2009 19:29

BTW have you read that thread? as bof says, it is required reading, you don't need to put up with this shit, honestly

Morloth · 12/08/2009 19:32

He will continue to do whatever the hell he likes whilst you continue to let him.

Grown up men with wives and children do not fuck around on the internet flirting with strangers. If they do so then they are neither properly grown up nor men.

VinegarTits · 12/08/2009 19:34

And they do not sit there messing with a fucking phone while your relationship is in tatters, how old is he?

Scorps · 12/08/2009 19:43

sounds like such smug behaviour, sit there twatting about with a phone.

MaggieBelleVirgo · 12/08/2009 19:49

oh boy. I can't believe that he has mentioned HIS not being able to trust YOU!

AGree with all the other posters, you haven't let your daughter down, this isn't your fault. Change the locks and move on. It'll be hard to start with, the adjustment is the really hard part, not the rest of your life without him. He would drag you down. He needs attention?? lol at putting his knob on swinging site because he feels neglected! HOW much attention have YOU had while you've been looking after your small child?!

MaggieBelleVirgo · 12/08/2009 19:51

Agree with scorps.. sitting there fiddling with his phone isn't even remorseful. Not that that undoes it all, but even so... he's done it and all he feels is irritation that he was caught.

nje3006 · 12/08/2009 20:16

Sat there fiddling with his phone is the act of a teenager - he needs to grow up.

blondissimo · 12/08/2009 20:56

He sounds just like my BIL - even down to the fact that he was making arrangements with women and then said he had no intention of following it through. They must have read the same book - "The Twat Manual".
He sounds incredibly immature and you sound lovely - I think you would be much better off on your own, and it sounds like you have a lovely family to help you.

Original poster
SheWillBeLoved · 12/08/2009 21:46

He's still fiddling with his phone. I wish I had the strength right now to just open the door, toss his keys at his car and tell him to fuck off. I'm just too tired, physically and emotionally to put up such a fight with him and my emotions. Does that make me a weak idiot? I'm sure it does.

We aren't together in any way. The thought of being with him right now makes my skin crawl. I never thought I'd say that about him How can you love someone so much, but hate them so much that it makes you want to scream and cry and hit them until you collapse from exhaustion?

He doesn't have anywhere else to go, besides his mums or sisters, and he knows that if he goes there he'll get hell. He has no money to get his own place, or even a hotel for a while as he quit his job a month before our baby was due. He sounds like a bigger catch by the minute, doesn't he?

I've always been so strong, so sure of everything and myself. Not now. Just feel like a worthless lump right now. Can't believe I've allowed somebody to make me feel that way.

His sister is coming here when she finishes work at 10. He said that 'If she says anything she'll get a slap' - not literally, I think it just means he won't listen and will tell her to mind her business.

Thanks again for the replies means a lot, and I am taking in the advice and feeling a lot stronger than when I first posted, so your words aren't wasted by any means.

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 12/08/2009 21:58

que the SIL....it's 10pm

Tamarto · 12/08/2009 22:00

He deserves to get hell, you deserve some peace. Ask if your SIL will take him with her when she goes home to give you some space?

MaggieBelleVirgo · 12/08/2009 22:05

Is your baby really only 2 wks old?

Have you got a member of your family to come and stay with you. I nearly broke up with my child's Dad when she was only about 6 wks old because HE felt neglected and I was acting wierd and distant. I was stunned by that accusation. I soldiered on for years because I couldn't face being alone with a child. If only I'd known then that being alone with a child is definitely not the hardest thing!!!

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 12/08/2009 22:07

The only person who has let your beautiful baby daughter down is the sad, weak, sick piece of crap that donated the sperm to make her.

You and she are worth so so much more.

mamas12 · 12/08/2009 22:17

Yes would recommend someone to come and support you at your home and him to go elsewhere for a few nights tonight if you can manage it, because the situation will still be there in the morning and it will be sooo much better for you to not face him in the morning.
Let someone look after you, you need it.

Kitsilano · 12/08/2009 22:19

You and your DD deserve better than this.

OnlyWantsOne · 12/08/2009 22:22

you and your DD do deserve so much better than this - if things are not going to improve / change, then seriously whats the bloody point?

Original poster
SheWillBeLoved · 12/08/2009 22:25

Maggie - she is 2 weeks today. I know I could bring her up alone, as I wouldn't really be alone. I have amazing family literally around the corner from me.

Just always imagined when I had a baby, she wouldn't be getting 'visits' from her dad.

I can deal with not being with him, I'm just so sad for her. But I am grateful that she's too young to be affected by this. And I am grateful that she won't grow up seeing her mum constantly in tears in front of a computer, because she's found yet more website memberships and messages.

Because even if we stayed together, went to all the Relate sessions we could grab, I doubt he'd change. You have to want to change. And I don't think he does - why would he when according to him he has done no wrong. He'll always need the attention I can't seem to give him. I'll never be enough. Breaks my heart to think that, but it's true, and the sooner I accept it the better for all of us.

Still waiting on his sister, she lives half an hour away so should be here any minute.

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 12/08/2009 22:28

I'm just so sad for her

^^ its for that reason that I stayed with my lying, cheating, violent and abusive ex - and it took 8 months of him treating me like utter shit whilst i looked after our DD for me to realise that if she got old enough to understand what he did to me it would cause more damage in the long run.

i know it is hard, but be brave x

MaggieBelleVirgo · 12/08/2009 22:41

I know, it takes a while to readjust your image of your future. To go from waltons, white picket fence, to fluid round the edges, contempory in under 2 weeks is HORRENDOUS...

But for what it's worth, the shock and the feeling of being let down so badly, that's as bad as it gets. The actually being a single mum, once you've got USED to it, isn't bad. LIke you I have family support.

mx

ps, my story is more like OnlyWantsOne's. And... now, only now actually is he anythign approaching a good dad.

Heated · 12/08/2009 22:43

He makes you miserable and sad and that is never going to change.

40 years of that?

No way. You and your new dd deserve so much better. A bright and better life awaits you as soon as you turf him out - & I think you DO realise that. Stubborn pride because people said he was no good is no reason to hold on him - getting rid of this deadbeat IS the action of a strong woman.

There will also be lots of good advice on here about what you will be entitled to financially and if you share bank accounts etc.

MaggieBelleVirgo · 12/08/2009 22:44

ps, my daughter has never really known anything different *that she can remember properly). I promise you she is happy, confident, loved....

It isn't the 2.4 ending with the labrador and the volvo in the drive!!! but it's a different ending which you have more control over now.

Unlike you, i didn't know from day one that I could do it alone. it's been a shock to me to discover that! you sound really strong and brave. SUCH a blessing to have family round the corner too.

MaggieBelleVirgo · 12/08/2009 22:46

very true heated, I stayed an extra while because I didn't want to prove people right! (that he was bad news)..

Well that was clever of me wasn't it?, prolonging my misery.... when the people I'd thought would be smug and say 'told you so',a ll they did was shower me with support and love and not one of them even implied they were thinking 'i told you'.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/08/2009 23:01

He is not going to change, and if you want a monogamous relationship then you are not going to get it with him. There is no escaping this truth.

I appreciate that you are feeling very raw right now and I agree that he is being and has been dishonest and selfish but I wonder if you have been doing the equivalent of baning your head agaist a wall for some time in thinking that there is a way to make this man 'love' you, be monogamous and stay with you when he has been saying and indicating by his actions that he is not monogamous and doesn't want to be? No matter how hard you try, you can't make someone love you when they do not. I am getting the impression (perhaps wrongly, I will admit) from your posts that you and the rest of his family have all been telling him that he must be and remain in a monogamous relationship with you and ignoring anything he says to the effect that he doesn't want to. There was a thread a year or two bag from a poster in a similar situation: again she had been determined that 'love would win through' and had enlisted everyone else in the man's life to tell him repeatedly that she was his perfect partner and that he had to stay in the relationship despite his reluctance to do so - he left, in the end, and he didn't behave very well over it but there was a sense in which his desperation to be heard, and have his viewpoint acknowledged, made his harsh words and dishonesty a bit more understandable.